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Name: stephani
[ Original Post ]
hi my name is stephani and i'm 22 pregnant with my 2nd due in about 5 weeks. I have a son from a previous relationship who turns 4 in august and my partner also has a son from a previous relationship who turns 4 in december and now we have our son on the way. Both of us are going through court proceedings and the moment cause my sons father wants more visitation rights (which his new girlfriend will be watching him most of the time cause he works long hours) and my partner wants custody cause his ex is always dropping their son off at HIS mothers house while she goes out and parties. I'm getting so scared that its going to fall apart i mean we have both excepted each others child and except them as our own and treat them the same and we haven't had any problems yet but i would like to hear about other blended families working. I mean i love hte family that i have right now and am glad its about to grow one more and am so determined to put in the hard yards to make it work but just wnat to know how herd its going to be.
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Name: Jessica | Date: Aug 10th, 2005 9:05 PM
I'm 26yrs old, have 2 stepdaughters and 3 little ones with my husband. No sugar coating ~ it's going to have it's bad days and good days with a bunch of horrible days. Most of it will have to deal with how the other parents cope with your new blended family. Birth parents (especially of the same gender as the child) have a LOT of influence on how the child behaves in general and especially towards the step-parent. It is definitely not easy being a step-parent when you know that a child is acting out and they are intentionally trying to be cruel just because you are not "mom" or "dad". The better your relationships are with birthparents the better it will be for your blended family. It's hard work but I'm sure you'll do great. Good luck to you and your new family! 

Name: juman | Date: Sep 11th, 2005 3:43 PM
i think every thing will go somth just ask god to help you and you will see after that 

Name: Laura | Date: Dec 20th, 2005 4:37 PM
I am 35, I have two children from my previous marrage (12 & 8), am remarried with a 16 month old & am pregnant again. I have joint custody of my 12 & 8 year old children, although I have ended up with them 90% of the time. I decided on joint custody because I didn't want to go to court & have not asked for child support because I didn't want to make spending time with the children about money. This was fine and worked well until I started a new family, my current husband & I decided I would stay at home for a couple of years to care for the kids & he now supports us all. I do feel he resents my x- husband not spending time with the kids or paying support. I should mention that my current husband pays support for a child he had with a woman he had a 2 week relationship with. He does not get to see his daughter, as his x makes it very difficult. My advice is to always put the childrens best inerest first, It is not always easy to put aside resentment & anger towards an X, but in the end I never want my kids to be angry or resentful towards me when they become adults for choices I made in regards to the situation I caused them to be apart of. I HATE my X, but he is my kids Dad & I must keep my feelings to myself....at the end of the day, I made the choice to make him the father, that was my mistake, not his or the kids. Good luck.....I could use some myself on most days, but in the end I am happy with the way my situation turning out. 

Name: S | Date: May 14th, 2006 4:55 AM
Happy Mothers Day to all Mothers Step and Bio Moms!! I know you do not get the thanks you all should get . So I am Thanking you all for all your kindess and careing that you give your loved ones every day.I also thank you for the care ,advise and time you give to others on this board!!!
I know you do not need me to tell you all this but I too am thankful to so many of you!!!
May God bless you and grant you peace and joy now and always!!!
Ps Happy Mother days to you Dads that are doing double duty!!! 

Name: candytuft | Date: Jun 1st, 2006 9:25 PM
I too am a blended family member, I am the stepmom of a 5 yr. old girl, with 0 childern of my own, so I can only imagine what you are going through, all i have to say is, why does anything have to get bad, if it is going good now, than obviously it can get better, just make the best of your time with all the children, talk to your partner about your fear of possibly "falling apart" and maybe make a promise to always remember why your together in the first place, and vow to not have your new baby have to go through what the other 2 boys are goin through, Just keep trying, and take deep breaths 

Name: stacie | Date: Jul 19th, 2006 7:21 PM
Sounds like you and your children are going through a lot. Your ex and his wife seem to be making life tough for you. Not many people take the necessary steps to help solve the issues you are currently experiencing. I applaud your outreach to this forum.

I'm actually working with a psychiatrist right now. His name is Dr. Keith Ablow, and based on his experience and likeablity my cpompany has given him a new daytime television show debuting in September. Dr. Ablow is a renowned psychiatrist who's goal is to advise, educate and inform, not to judge or sensationalize. The opposite of Dr.Phil's approach in every way. He's younger, approachable and genuinely interested in helping people strategize and take away tools for a healthier life. You may have seen Dr. Ablow on TV, he's a frequent guest on Oprah, Good Morning America, CNN, etc. as an expert. He was also a practicing psychiatrist in Boston. To find out more about Dr. Keith please visit www.keithablow.com

I'd love to hear more about your story and you're under no obligation to appear. You can reach me toll free at 1-888-372-2569 ext 4347 or email me your contact info at [email protected] 


Name: question | Date: Jul 31st, 2006 4:58 PM
what the hell is all this??? 

Name: michelle | Date: Aug 2nd, 2006 2:33 AM
It's going to be rough for awhile, but in the end it all will work out for the best. Just keep on giving the children the love and affection they need and what ever you do don't bad mouth the ex's. It's hard to do but think happy thoughts. Those children are stuck in the middle and they need a comfort zone and what better place to start than your home. I am a mother of seven. Two of my own and five that are my husbands. Its rough but it does get better. 

Name: Mokneeky | Date: Oct 2nd, 2006 11:44 PM
I go through a custody order with my oldest daughter (different dad than my 2 lil ones) and she is here with us one week and gone the other week and we exchange on Monday (I guess the smart people at the court thought that cant affect a childs mental state)...When we started about 2 years ago you could tell it was hard on her and she was about 4 when we started and it took us a lil over a year to finish the order, and now she is almost 8, but you can still tell kids are smart and they WILL figure out how to play the opposite parents...It's so hard that her teacher last year was able to tell who she was with on which weeks...So if your gonna do it prepare for the long run and good luck!! 

Name: Ceine | Date: Oct 10th, 2006 4:59 PM
I have a blended family. I have my bio daughter and two of his. Mine is 17 going on 18 and his are 13 and 15. We have been married for 6 years and had his for 5 years due to a CPS court action that took the kids away from his ex. We both have older kids. For the most part the two oldest have buddied up and the youngest has done nothing but cause trouble thinking her real mother really wanted her back. Her real mother actually told her and us straight out (after the child caused untold amount of trouble with everything from the school to the cops for us as a family for 5 years) that she had absolutely no interest in any of her kids cause she now had a new life without them and didn't want the hassle. Now the kid has maybe decided to come around but old habits are hard to break. So unless everybody agrees that the most important relationship is the core relationship (parent's) then I do not see it working. It is always your child(ren), my child(ren), and seldom ours. 

Name: Lesley | Date: Oct 25th, 2006 2:31 AM
Oh blended families!!!!!!!!Joy after joy.I was told that it would be the hardest thing to do in my life!And they{councellours,drs,teachers,etc,}were absolutely right!Dont get me wrong it does have its rewards but in my experience,unconditional love can really only be shared by biological parent and child unless your kids were very youg when the process of blending begins.my son was 10 and my husbands son was 7 both too old to in our situation to just adapt without problems.Expecially when you have interference from the other parent.Our kids are now 13 and 16 and things are really no diferent.We dont have one of our own because of the difficulty with the dinamics as they are.Very sad sometimes for me as i did want more children but i am so sick of sharing my husband i will look forwrd to our coming years{alone} without kids{under our roof]It has been very hard,I love my husband very much and i care for his son.I did not marry to be someone elses mother{and it is not expected}You do your best and hope for the best.Personally i have always been angry with the fact that my stepsons mother does nothing{dad has had him since he was 2}but went ahead and had another baby 3 yrs ago so he could stay on welfare!Anyways too much drama,i guess i just want to say i hear you and understand what you are going through! Good luck!Lesley 

Name: winnmom | Date: Oct 25th, 2006 5:45 AM
Lesley,
I do not agree with you. We are a blended family and I do have unconditional love for my children from Hubbies first marriage-my step kids-. Hubby has the same unconditional love for our daughter from my previous relationship-his step daughter-
Yes it is expected that you are a parent to your step children, not at first, but for us this came natural over time.
I am not saying it is easy, it was the hardest thing I have ever done, but If I could go back I would do it all over again.
My "step"kids are MY children, between hubby and I we have 5 children, and all are treated like ours. 

Name: winnmom | Date: Oct 25th, 2006 5:50 AM
some things hubby and I had to learn was that "our" relationship comes first. All the children are Our children, did this come easy?NO!!!! BUt after a million fights, a thousand tears, we finally got it right!!
We are the couple,
there is no sides-his and his kids vs-mine and my kids
the children are ours
and once again we are the couple.
If the children see division they WILL play it, they need security, they need to see the parents are a team working together.
These are musts.
It is emotional rollercoaster, many ups and downs, somedays alot more downs,
Good luck and if you need to talk just hollar 

Name: Jewel | Date: Dec 7th, 2007 3:58 AM
I agree with you re: "The couple comes first" If your solid at the top than it is a trickle down affect. My boyfriend and I are struggling with that and are in crisis mode right now after a great 4 year relationship. I have 2 boy's 13 & 8 and he has a 10 year old boy. He gets along grat with my boy's and vs versa. The problem is hs son and I don't get along and he told me if our relatioship does not improve than we have to split as he will chose his son over our relationship. I have been raising my boy's by mysef for along time. We have rules and everyone works to help in the house. His son is spoiled and catered to. He is in a tug of war between his mom & dad of "who can be the better parent" that parent wins his affection for the week. He manipulates both his parents and there are never consequenses. I have tried to build a relationship with him but he does not repect his parents so why respect me. The whole situation is complicated and you all are getting bits and pieces. All I know is that My boyfriend and I love each other but I can;t compete with the tug of war between he and his X. We start counciling tomarrow so maybe that will shed some light. 

Name: jshubert | Date: Feb 2nd, 2008 11:10 PM
Stephanie...my name is jacque. I am 44yrs old. I have aan 19yr & a 12yr old. I have a 10yr old stepduaghter. Sorting out the details of the visitation is really just the beginning. I wish you all the best. Find a good friend to confide in and a soft place to land from time to time. The truth is......living togehter and finding and holding on to your relationship with your husband will be difficult. Never comprimise it. Make it a priority. Making the marriage about the kids and only the kids is an easy pitfall. You will find yourself where I am at. Married to a "single dad". I dont remember why I got married 5yrs ago. You can always contact me. Keep your chin up and know....it wont be easy. Protect the marriage. 

Name: jshubert | Date: Feb 2nd, 2008 11:19 PM
I have been looking for a source of support. i married 5 yrears ago....I have 2 kids and he has 1. We have his daughter 4 days a week. no one prepared me for "being invisible" when his daughter is in my home during those 4days. His schedule...everything he does revolves around her. I am embarrased by my hatred of this. Do any of you experience the same. I have no voice in her behavior in my house or something as simple as table manners. I am told that I butt in too much. Please tell me there are more in this crazy situation. 

Name: Adriana | Date: Feb 6th, 2008 3:58 AM
When they are at a young age it is easy. I am 39 years old and have 3 kids of my own, 19, 17 and 12, I am a stepmother of 3 kids who are twins 19, and a 22 year old. My husbands children are with us 24/7 365 days a year and my kids have visitation with their father every other weekend. We've been married for 9yrs. I can't remember when was the last time we had a good family time. At one point everyone was getting along then all of a sudden things started to fall apart. 

Name: cherie | Date: May 14th, 2008 11:04 PM
When there 4 years old it is easy to treat them as your own then if they were 8 and10 years old. I have been raising my husbands kids for 5 years and on mothers day my husband 12 year old son decided to hit me. 

Name: ANN | Date: May 16th, 2008 5:04 PM
HELP I have a full-time blended family and sometimes I just don't know which way to turn. Your the mother the step-mother full time and the one who makes the rules. We have 5 children between us. Two girls 13 and 3 boys 12, 16 and 21. The girls have their hormones racing. The boys are just boys! Each set of children go to their parent and not to mention pitty from their step-parent 

Name: LB | Date: May 27th, 2008 5:25 PM
Stepdad needs HELP! We have been married for 18 months and have my stepdaughter (7) full time and my 2 (girl 11, boy 7) every other weekend. I have given up many things I used to enjoy with my kids to be with my wife (and hers) during the week. They moved into my house, I pay all the bills, etc and when I have to miss my stepdtr's function for my own I get the cold shoulder and the pleasure is NOT worth the p.i.t.a. We love each other minus kids but my guilt for taking better care of my step family than my own is killing me!! Stepmom's please advise!!
LB in SC 

Name: .M. | Date: May 28th, 2008 2:28 PM
hey I would like a friend really. I am a stay at home mother to 3 and the days are long and lonely. Anybody here? 

Name: Peaches | Date: Jun 27th, 2008 3:39 AM
I am a forty year old that is at the end of her rope. My husband and I have a blended family. There are 9 children total. I brought four children into the marriage ages 18,16,13 and 7 and my husband adopted the youngest of them. He has two daughters ages 9 and 7 that live with us 15 to 17 days out of the month, and we have three sons together ages 3, 1 and 2 months. We will been married for 4 years in October 2008. My husband and I are on the verge of divorce. We argue constantly about the children. He says that I am too devoted to my older three children and that I disconnect myself from the family when his girls come home. He says that I don't love on them and shower affection on them. I say that he is unfair and treats his girls better than the rest of the children. (esp. my older ones). Because of the tension and strain in our family and my husbands temper my 18 year old move in with her father and spent the last two years of high school with him. Those were the most important years for her and I and now she is in college and those days are gone. He and my 16 yr old son got into an altercation and he put him out because he said he was smart mouthed and lazy. And now my 13 yr old wants to move because he is always on her case. He rarely has any conversation with them and he does alot of things that are unfair. His daughters are mean and spiteful. They lie constantly and do and say mean things to me and my 7 year old. The nine year old is very disrespectful and doesn't care if she is punished. I am beginnig to hate my husband and I don't know how to fix this situation. SOMEBODY HELP!! 

Name: C.A.B. | Date: Aug 4th, 2008 2:22 AM
.m.
I know what you mean .M. I work from home with a 10 month old and my step daughter comes in around 3-5 each day. I don't get out much and really know no one around me. Let me know if you are still around.

C.A.B. 

Name: C.A.B. | Date: Aug 4th, 2008 2:34 AM
Peaches.
I would like to say it would get better on it's own, but I really think couples counseling would be best if you want it to work out. Remember YOUR children come first, you don't want them being resentful because you chose someone else over them.

As for me my "blended" family is not doing so hot. Issue is an 8 year old girl who's mother who has one set of rules and her father and I have another. I know it's tough on her, but she spends 90% of her time with me and I have a 10 month old with her father as well as work from home all day. I have always felt more like her baby sitter because her mom works all the time or dumps her off with us. And her father changed jobs and is working longer hours. The change for her father to not be here all the time is getting to her and she is taking it out on me. I on the other hand just do not have that "mother's" love for her and always have a distance between us. I myself am looking into counseling. I think the problem is that I have to give her rules and her mom lets her get away with murder because she feels guilty that she is not around and her dad and I don't always see eye to eye on parenting. So when I say something and he doesn't agree he lets her do what she wants... but then I am with her all the time so when I ask something of her she throws a tantrum or argues because her mom or dad would let her. I don't know... I think I am just as lost. Maybe the counselor will work as we can get our feelings out without pointing fingers... if you find something that works please let me know. GOOD LUCK. 

Name: gilbert | Date: Nov 11th, 2008 4:53 AM
hello, its not goign to be easy its a very long process, could last for years, have to be strong and do not give up , thats what the ex wants,,, 

Name: Clad | Date: Nov 11th, 2008 10:25 AM
hello 

Name: dfgdfgdfg | Date: Mar 25th, 2009 10:45 PM
dfgdfgdfg 

Name: Bounty2009 | Date: Mar 26th, 2009 5:21 PM
Hey hun, it all sounds really tough for you. you need to relax in your condition and take it easy, thats the most important thing You might want to take a look here http://www.bounty.com/newarrivals.aspx as there is lots of advice to get you through the stressfulness associated with a new baby. best of luck hun xxx 

Name: Leigh | Date: Apr 26th, 2009 11:50 PM
Coming from experience I have two children from a previous marriage and married a man 6 years ago who had three children. I will not lie it is so hard. i beleive if you have a supportive husband that helps you become an active step parent it is great. But if you have a husband who is only used to being the single parent and does not let you fully take the role it is hard. i have two stepsons who are teens and very disrespectful and the response i get from my husband is I do not want to be caught in the middle. 

Name: Allie | Date: May 10th, 2009 11:44 PM
Hi i am 17 yrs old and i live with my dad stepmom and two step sisters...i moved in with them almost 2 yrs ago and i feel like i dont belong..especially when we have parties at my house and we have my step moms family come over that she hasnt seen in a while. they dont know who i am . and treat me like one of my sisters friends. i dont know if i just feel jealousy or if i am just crazy...i love my family i have nithing against my stepmom i love her like i love my mom. although i do not talk to her. i also love her close family and i know that they all like me...butr i just feel that i did wrong moving in with themm...

help me...

you can email me at [email protected] 

Name: Heather | Date: May 30th, 2009 12:42 AM
I am with a really nice guy. It's been 2 years. He has a 11 year old biological daughter and has been caring for his ex-wifes (they were married/together for 6 years) 17 year old daughter. She has a father that was a dead beat in the beginning but has been trying to be apart of her life for a few years now. The ex wife hates her X so she wont allow her 17 year old daughter to see her biological father and brainwashed her to not want to see him. In the meantime my significant other is fathering her, paying for her and he is over his head in debt and can't even take care of himself or me- I'm taking care of him! I feel he has been such a nice guy he is enabling his ex wife to not have to deal with the biological father and therefore causing major problems in our relationship. I am angry that I am giving him money to live and paying for everything and he is handing her money. We have talked about getting married and having a child but because of this mess with this 17 year old child we are at a stand still and near splitting. Another issue I have is that I am 35, never married and no children, good career. It will mean a lot to me if we do take the next step together. I am afraid to though with all these loose ends with the X. The 17 year old wants to legal change her name to my significant others last name too! I am very against that!! Its a mess!!! Any advise? 

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