Hi All:
I am a stepmom to a 12 year old girl who does not respect her father and who ignores me. Her dad does not know how to say No to her. Part of the problem is that when she was 3 she had kidney cancer, so naturally, her parents spoiled her because they did not know how long they would have her in their lives. In my opinion, this has not served the child well. Her older brother (19) dropped out of school and has been in several involvements with the law and jail. Last year, her and a friend were caught at a dance with alcohol, so I see her heading in the same direction as her older brother. Her mother is of very low character (adultry, alcoholic, habitual liar) and is not a good role model, even though my stepdaughter thinks she is the best.
My question is: How am I going to survive this? I obviously need to adopt a new kind of thinking, because I will have to be the one to change if this relationship is going to work. When she is at our house, I feel invisible, like I don't count for anything. I have tried to make changes like Rules of Respect and an Allowance Chore List (to promote responsibility) but the first night this was supposed to take effect, my husband did her chore, the dishes, because "he dirtied the dishes, too".
I am so angry right now because even though he knows we have to get her headed in the right direction, he refuses to do any of the work. He is afraid that she will be mad at him. Last week, she tore up a love poem he had written her years ago, because she couldn't go to the movies because her room wasn't cleaned, as was the deal. Then this week, she called to ask if she had to come to our house for the week, which broke my husband's heart and of course is promoting all kinds of Yes's to keep her happy this week. Are all adolescents of divorced families so manipulative? ↓
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| Name: Lizzi | Date: Sep 13th, 2006 7:47 PM |
| I am not in nor do I envy your position. I can in a way understand her parents catering to her due to the illness she had but now that that is long in the past,they certainly need to set rules,limits,and boundaries for her or else they are raising nothing short of a monster. This girl knows she has both parents wrapped around her little finger and is definitely using their feelings for her and her past illness to her own selfish advantage. However,if her parents won't stand up to her and lay down the law then there really isn't anything you can do about it short of fleeing from the situation altogether yourself which that is only a decision you and you alone can make. Sorry I can't be of any more help. ↑ |
| Name: Kimmie85 | Date: Sep 15th, 2006 1:46 PM |
| Lizzi: Thanks for lending an ear and a voice. It is a breath of fresh air to know someone empathizes with me instead of telling me that maybe I am the one who is wrong in my way of thinking of how to raise a child. And you are right about my choices. I just can't bring myself to flee. I love my husband and we have a great relationship in every other way. I pray we can work through this. ↑ |
| Name: missy | Date: Sep 19th, 2006 6:15 PM |
| I know exactly how you feel. Even though my stepdaughter has never been ill, she is very spoiled. I have tried to implement chores, etc. and she will not conform and rarely does my husband back me up. Her real mother does not make her do any chores, and I just don';t know what to do without becoming the '"wicked step mother".... ↑ |
| Name: to kimmie85 | Date: Sep 29th, 2006 2:40 AM |
| try putting her over your knee and spanking her then take away things she likes I know spanking work because that what my dad does to me when I don't respect him im 14yr old ↑ |
| Name: EllieW | Date: Oct 20th, 2006 5:35 PM |
| My younger sister was goin' through the same thing. Our parents got divorced when i was 22 and my sis was 9. My dad re-married just 4 months later.We are very close and she would tell me that she felt like SHE was beeing ignored, or picked on by our step-mom and my step-mom would say the sam thing. Maybe it's a miscommunication? But my sister is older now and they get along great. ↑ |
| Name: Jennifer | Date: Oct 20th, 2006 6:30 PM |
| I would have to say that this kind of behavior is typical of a kid who has always gotten her way. That in no way excuses it. You need to sit down with your husband and work out a parenting plan. As the step-mother, you have to deal with this horrible behavior. You have to step up and be the bad guy, and your husband needs to learn that he needs to back you up. As parents, you have to show a united front. If that doesn't work, then you can't be afraid to be the wicked stepparent, and if her biological parents take issue, then you can sit them down and tell them that at least someone is caring enough to lay down some rules. And yeah, it sounds like she does need a spanking, although I would not recommend it, since this behavior in reality is not her fault, but the fault of some HORRIBLE parenting skills. But she should be grounded as well as anything else that might work. Above all, be FIRM! Don't give in. She needs structure, whether or not she realizes it. Good luck. My thoughts are with you. I know this will not be easy. ↑ |
| Name: stepmom19 | Date: Jan 21st, 2007 4:41 AM |
| Hi there ... I have a 15 year old step daughter... I hear ya!! My husband has been a single parent - and a wonderful one at that, for the last 7 years. His wife left him with their 2 children. She is back in their lives now and recently we had to move our 15 year old to live with her mom to try to start over. She just completely changed in the last year and half and has no respect for herself or anyone else. Went from A and B student to smoking pot everyday and experimenting with other drugs and skipping enough school to be kicked out... such a sad thing for such a smart beautiful girl. It has broken my husbands heart to have so send her away but there was just nothing left to try... we have my 11 year old stepson and our 3 month old daughter as well and it got to the point where nobody wanted to be in the house anymore when she was around... ↑ |
| Name: MADDIE | Date: Feb 4th, 2007 8:05 PM |
| Hi Kimmie85, I can relate to your story 100%. I have a wonderful husband in all areas but dealing with issues that come up with his daughter. I have a 17 year old daughter and his daughter is about to be 15 in a month. We faught for custody to get his daughter from her mom because she was never around, her partner was raising her and not so well I may ad. We won, I thought.Megan was told all kinds of horible things by her mom and her partner.That was when she was 10 now she is the most manipulative , deceiving Lier I have ever met. Her mom onlyn comes into the pic when it is conveniant for her. My husband would let her get away with murder and so I had no choice but to step up to the plate and be the one to discipline her, that is not fare, even thouhgt It still didn't happen but maybe 1 week out of her life and couple of time sent to her room. She is now grounded for3 weeks because she was caught lying and sneakung around with a boy that is not so good for her, verry disrespectful to he. What doesn't help is her tells her on the phone that she shouldn't be grounded and she wouldn't have done that to her. T o her grounding is just a bandade. Her mom althought has been in Megans life very little thinks she knows what is going on by what her daughter tells her and she hasn't got a clue. There for it is nothing but sabatage. Megan will come us and say to her dads face my mom says it is stupid that you are grounded for that. All the while we have just found out she is having sex, sneaking out of the hous drinking and her grades went from b's to f's all of them in 1 6 weeks.for 10 years I have watched her dad and mom do nothing now me and my daughter have to live with the consiquences and I cant anymore. Dad says after all these years that he has to do something now but I almost think it is to late. Megan is si sisrespectful, to her dad no matter how good he is to her. He has given her about everything she wanted and was alwys there for , help her with her home work etc, only to find out from her mom that calls him a FAG when she to see her. He is so hurt and angry and I never thought that would see the I would want to leave. This is so hurtful I feel she has caused all the pain in our family, She has been the only one my husband I ever had a fight about in 10 nerver anyother subject. We are best friends ans so close but I cant take it anymore. ↑ |
| Name: Amber | Date: Aug 9th, 2007 11:51 PM |
| My stepdaughter is! She is a miserable brat! Her dad also doesn't want to discipline her and if I tell him she is rude to me he says he doesn't think she would do that! He is constantly believing her and telling me to change. Other than her we have a great relationship. I just am ready to work the days she is here because it ruins our whole day. She sat in her room for 4 hours when he went to work instead of apologizing to me for being mean. ↑ |
| Name: Roller Coaster | Date: Dec 4th, 2007 2:15 AM |
| I am a stepmom too and it can suck at times. Men of divorce don't want to put rules in place because children are almost always devoted to there mothers. No matter what they do or have done in front of them. If there mother has showed them how to only love the man of the house conditionally so will the children. It is a disfunction from the marriage. You on the other hand are sane and know that kids need order and tough love. Once you get him on the same page he may realize the monster they created. You have to put tough love into it and let the kid fall on there face while they are still young enough to recover. It isn't a wonder why this world sucks so much. The are more kids of divorce raising themselves so parents can make end meet and date like a teenager. Our world is in trouble if these parents don't stop and think about there kids well being. Would there parents tolorate this behavior out of them. Ask him that. ↑ |
| Name: Roller Coaster | Date: Dec 4th, 2007 2:18 AM |
| Hey James...You might get it when you get to your third wife. The attitude you have is going to get you there and I am sure it will be with a few kids that act just like you. ↑ |
| Name: dee | Date: Dec 8th, 2007 10:31 PM |
| As long as she knows her father is under her thumb your stand will be in vain and becoem a build up of resentment and then some. It MUST be your huband and your committed decision together to stay consistant. Your husband is trying to be her friend other than her father. That is the problem. ↑ |
| Name: og217 | Date: Mar 4th, 2008 7:49 PM |
| Why is everyone tiptoeing around these kids? Who cares if they like you or not? If she doesn't like you or respect you, she can piss off and quit wasting your time and money. You married her father, she's just an appendage. And if your tolerance is being tested, you have every right to speak up. Where are the husbands in this? what kind of man allows some brat to abuse his wife? Why aren't you furios that you allow some unwanted brat into your house, waste your time and money and get treated poorly? You have very right to be livid! I just dont understand why these kids are allowed to act like monsters and the step mothers are supposed to love them, forgive them, and feel guilty for marrying the dad. ↑ |
| Name: Kevin | Date: Mar 16th, 2008 2:41 AM |
| You need to put her in a room lock the door and paddle her white ass until you think she has lerned her lesson. ↑ |
| Name: Amy | Date: Mar 25th, 2008 3:38 AM |
| It has been my experience that until you can get your husband on the same page that you are on nothing will change. I have been a step mom for 10 years now. My step daughter is 12 and it sounds as though we are going through some of the same things. I finally put my foot down and told my husband and my step daughter that I would not be doing nice things for her until she started showing some respect for me (ex: buying clothes, taking her to the movies, washing her clothes, planning birthday parties, etc...) My husband and I have two other children but allie (my step daughter) is an only child at her mom's house and has no responsibilities there. She has started coming around but it has been a long even tearful road at times. ↑ |
| Name: James | Date: Apr 1st, 2008 4:23 AM |
| I have daughter who is 14,My wife her stepmom and my daughter are at eachothers throat all the time. I am in the middle! I have to leave most times as they say they are just talking! I can't handel their talking as they call it. They want eachother to have respect ,but they both don't respect each other. To one it's the others falt and vise versa ↑ |
| Name: Lee Ann | Date: Aug 20th, 2008 3:16 AM |
| I think we live the same life!!!!! I get so angry with my husband I search the net for apartments for me and my (our) 7yr old! My husband was married before and he has 2 daughters from his fist marriage. One in 18 and lives with her illegal alien "girlfriend"! She is so smart, even graduated HS early! But is she going to college, NO!!! SHe doesn't even work! And the other one is the problem. She just turned 16. We found out that she has been sneaking out her bedroom window, we found pot in her room and we just found out that she has been having sex since she's been 14!!! She lies all the time. She is never where she says she is, and my stupid husband still believes her!! She has always been his "favorite" She is an incredible softball player and he is so proud of that that he lets everything else slide! For instance, we decided that she can no longer have friends sleep over in fear that they will sneak out and get into trouble and then we have angry parents at our door asking us ?'s. Well, right now she is in her room with a friend who is spending the night. I HAVE NO SAY!!!!! It's so nice to know that i'm not alone. I'm not happy that you have to live in a similar situation, but it feels good to get it out with someont who understands. We have to keep in touch. ↑ |
| Name: viv | Date: Dec 20th, 2008 8:39 PM |
| It does not sound like manipulation on the girl's part to me, it sounds like she has had no decent parenting from her father and now is expected to put up with a control freak of a stepmom. Maybe you should worry less about getting her under control and take a look at yourself and your husbands behaviour. ↑ |
| Name: cr | Date: Dec 21st, 2008 6:22 AM |
| OMG! I have been a stepmother to my 10 year old stepdaughter for 10 years! So there is no "you stole my dad from my mom" resentment. But there is you "get attention from my dad" resentment. Every time he even hugs me or talks to me, she literally gets in between us. She has not always done this but for the last 2 years it's been bad. My husband does not want to EVER dissappoint her in any way so he is a total push over. She has just recently started sleeping through the night at our house. Yes, she is 10! She stays with us EVERY Friday night so it's not new to her. My husband is afraid she'll have a bad dream or feel scared so when she wakes us up every time he coddles her and takes her up to her bedroom to make sure everything is okay. I was out of town a few weeks ago and she told him since I wasn't there he could sleep with her. When he told her to sleep in her own bed she actually had the guts to say "yeah, but I'll be coming down in the middle of the night." Does he not see the manipulation!! ↑ |
| Name: baby-951 | Date: Apr 29th, 2009 9:11 PM |
Wow !
Thats crazy im 12 also and i have a stepmom. We get along great and me and my dad have a great relationship ! if i ever treated them like that i would have a broken heart because i cant treat people i love like that.
Its just not right.
Good luck ! ↑ |
| Name: Enlightened Stepmothers' Group | Date: Aug 4th, 2009 5:35 PM |
The Enlightened Stepmothers' Group is for ALL stepmothers to join, regardless of age, sexual orientation (Lesbian Stepmoms Welcome!), race, religion, or background--the ONLY rule for membership is you must be a stepmom.
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WELCOME HOME, STEPMOMS!!! [3 ↑ |
| Name: matt | Date: Aug 14th, 2009 12:08 AM |
| you guy's have sex right how old id here kid? have sex with your kid ok ↑ |
| Name: sandra | Date: Sep 27th, 2009 1:55 PM |
| Spank her on the bare bottom! ↑ |
| Name: robyn pedlow | Date: Sep 28th, 2009 10:18 AM |
Hi Kimmie 85,
I too am a stepmum to a teenage daughter. This is both our second marriage and my husband has a 17 year old son and a 15 year old daughter and they both live with us. I have 3 children a 21 year old and an 18 year old son ( who both live with their girlfriends) and I have a 15 year old daughter who lives permanently with us as well.
We have been together for 2 years and married for 6 months. The problem I have is dealing with "daddy's little gir". I find that my husbad expects to treat my daughter the same way as he treats his daughter but that does not extend to me. I set down rules about their rooms and chores and his daughter just ignores them and then when I say something everything gets turned around onto me.
I find that there is n o consistency and I find that I am in a constant battle.
I don't know if I have any real advice other then to say that teenage daughtersand their fathers are a solid block , and trying to get between them is throught with danger.
I have taken the stance with my stepdaughter that rather then beat myself up about all the inconsistencies I have decide that I cannot force a relationship between us and I have stated both to her and her father that our relationship will only be what she allows it to be.
I have a fantastice relationship with my own daughter and we talk about everything but my stepdaughter cannot develope a relationship with her own mother because she tries to disapline her so what hope do i have ↑ |
| Name: Melodi | Date: Dec 27th, 2009 3:14 AM |
| I completely feel your pain. I am not married but I live with my boyfriend who has 2 kids from his first marriage and his daughter is so manipulative!! She fakes being sick so she doesnt have to eat the food that I cook and then buys it and cooks her something else. She has her dad wrapped her finger and it drives me nuts cause I see right through her crap and its a tough situation. I tell him all the time that it upsets me how he lets her get away with things and it helps. I think just being open with how you think things need to be handled would help. Since you are apart of this parenting combination he needs to value your opinion. ↑ |
| Name: susan | Date: Jan 25th, 2010 1:10 PM |
| If your husband does not take control of the situation this will cause misery for everyone.I would suggest a spanking from your husband may be in order.Occasionally i was spanked by my father and this brought home how i had to behave,i knew if i stepped out of line over his knee i would go and no it has not caused any lasting damage ↑ |
| Name: minnette | Date: Mar 1st, 2010 10:33 AM |
| my husband says i dont no how to be a good step mum ↑ |
| Name: minnette | Date: Mar 1st, 2010 10:35 AM |
| i dont no what to do can some one help me please ↑ |
| Name: jon kilbe | Date: Apr 12th, 2010 6:33 AM |
| have daddy stick her in her orphuses and cum up inside of her maybe try druging her if he wont then call me ↑ |
| Name: khalid | Date: Apr 27th, 2010 8:56 AM |
please take my e-mail and i will give you nice advise and its right and truth because i have diploma in advises
( [email protected] ) ↑ |
| Name: think10 | Date: May 3rd, 2010 10:16 PM |
Hi Kimmie85
My husband is identical to yours. He doesn't know how to say No to his daughter. It has been a nightmare for me living with them. I am considering getting a divorce. I am really tired of wasted my time of someone else's kid who neither loves or respects me. Think your situation over before committing to a lifetime of unhappiness. ↑ |
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