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This is my first time typing my dilemma online to share with others. I suppose I never have for fear of mean criticisms I may be too sensitive to receive/accept. My husband(47) and I(34) have been together for 4 years and of those 4yrs married for 2. We have both had previous failed marriages and I have a son(14) and he has 2 sons (21 & 23). His 21 yr old is married and his wife is now pregnant. I married my husband knowing that he did not want any kids and that he had a vasectomy back when we were dating. I too have told him how much I wanted to have a child with him and I love him and will deal with it. But I have been struggling with dealing with it every month. 2 weeks out of each month I go through huge desires, praying, hoping for a miracle, having the greatest maternal instincts and needs. And then when my cycle comes along, I get so upset, disappointed, and then angry, and in denial and then depressed. It's a vicious cycle. Every so often I can't deal with it anymore (approx 5months, we talk about it and it never really gets resolved. He reminds me that he made it clear that he never wanted anymore kids and that I have failed on my end keeping up with my promise to get over with it. The last conversion we had he said that he cheated on his first wife after the birth of each of his 2 sons and that perhaps he needs to go for counseling to get that negative feeling out. He never did. Yesterday, my husband calls me to tell me his son and his new wife are pregnant. It just tore me up and broke my heart. I couldn't even stay on the phone anymore I had to go. I cried, I trmbled, I threwup.... I felt like God's joke; I've been praying for my husband to change his mind, to get pregnant and have a child together and not a grandchild 1st and yet I get exactly what I have prayed not to have 1st. I feel like a very selfish person because I should be celebrating the news with him and his son, but I am in so much pain that I can't seem to do it. My husband expects me to go through this and wear a smile and act like everything is ok. It's almost like torture. I want to be able to do what he wants but I'm hurting so much. I love my husband soooo much. Other than the baby issue we have no other problems. This marriage is still young but I think it is a good strong marriage. But I feel like I'm such a loser and a party pooper but of my extreme desire for a child. I am so lost and confused that I don't know what to do. He yelled at me over the phone and said he hates babies. How can anyone hate babies. They are beautiful and innoncent like angels. I know coz I have a son. I feel like a brat wanting another one when I already have one. But I am getting old and I don't want to let this pass me by. I so want to have a child with my husband and I love him so much and I have never felt this way before I met him. It is just killing me. I can't stop thinking about it or praying for it. I start in the morning when I wake up and continue on through work and even when I go to bed. So many nights I have cried myself to sleep. I don't want my husband to hate me, but I know he is very angry at me for ruining his good news from his son and his happiness of a grandson. But if he can be so happy to receive a grandson (whom he will probably have to help support since they are young(20 & 21) and financially unstable with no college/tech school/skills), why can't he be just as happy to have a child with me? I feel like the bad guy in the picture. He told me yesterday that if he gave me what I wanted that he would resent me and not want anything to do with the child. And that how could I be so selfish to ruin this marriage and want a child despite that fact that he doesn't and hence to ruin a child's life. And that how could I say that I love him and want a child with him and yet to be willing to raise a child by myself. I don't want to raise a child by myself. I 've already done so withmy son since he was 4yrs old. I just want a somewhat normal home and I want my husband to be part of my whole entire life. But at the same time I am willing to not bother him with any little details that I can handle myself. He doesn't want to be bothered with raising a child and I said I am willing to do it all. But by saying so, I'm now being selfish to him and the child. I'm soo upset and so lost. Please help me. ↓
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