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Name: salinahall
[ Original Post ]
This is my first time typing my dilemma online to share with others. I suppose I never have for fear of mean criticisms I may be too sensitive to receive/accept. My husband(47) and I(34) have been together for 4 years and of those 4yrs married for 2. We have both had previous failed marriages and I have a son(14) and he has 2 sons (21 & 23). His 21 yr old is married and his wife is now pregnant. I married my husband knowing that he did not want any kids and that he had a vasectomy back when we were dating. I too have told him how much I wanted to have a child with him and I love him and will deal with it. But I have been struggling with dealing with it every month. 2 weeks out of each month I go through huge desires, praying, hoping for a miracle, having the greatest maternal instincts and needs. And then when my cycle comes along, I get so upset, disappointed, and then angry, and in denial and then depressed. It's a vicious cycle. Every so often I can't deal with it anymore (approx 5months, we talk about it and it never really gets resolved. He reminds me that he made it clear that he never wanted anymore kids and that I have failed on my end keeping up with my promise to get over with it. The last conversion we had he said that he cheated on his first wife after the birth of each of his 2 sons and that perhaps he needs to go for counseling to get that negative feeling out. He never did. Yesterday, my husband calls me to tell me his son and his new wife are pregnant. It just tore me up and broke my heart. I couldn't even stay on the phone anymore I had to go. I cried, I trmbled, I threwup.... I felt like God's joke; I've been praying for my husband to change his mind, to get pregnant and have a child together and not a grandchild 1st and yet I get exactly what I have prayed not to have 1st. I feel like a very selfish person because I should be celebrating the news with him and his son, but I am in so much pain that I can't seem to do it. My husband expects me to go through this and wear a smile and act like everything is ok. It's almost like torture. I want to be able to do what he wants but I'm hurting so much. I love my husband soooo much. Other than the baby issue we have no other problems. This marriage is still young but I think it is a good strong marriage. But I feel like I'm such a loser and a party pooper but of my extreme desire for a child. I am so lost and confused that I don't know what to do. He yelled at me over the phone and said he hates babies. How can anyone hate babies. They are beautiful and innoncent like angels. I know coz I have a son. I feel like a brat wanting another one when I already have one. But I am getting old and I don't want to let this pass me by. I so want to have a child with my husband and I love him so much and I have never felt this way before I met him. It is just killing me. I can't stop thinking about it or praying for it. I start in the morning when I wake up and continue on through work and even when I go to bed. So many nights I have cried myself to sleep. I don't want my husband to hate me, but I know he is very angry at me for ruining his good news from his son and his happiness of a grandson. But if he can be so happy to receive a grandson (whom he will probably have to help support since they are young(20 & 21) and financially unstable with no college/tech school/skills), why can't he be just as happy to have a child with me? I feel like the bad guy in the picture. He told me yesterday that if he gave me what I wanted that he would resent me and not want anything to do with the child. And that how could I be so selfish to ruin this marriage and want a child despite that fact that he doesn't and hence to ruin a child's life. And that how could I say that I love him and want a child with him and yet to be willing to raise a child by myself. I don't want to raise a child by myself. I 've already done so withmy son since he was 4yrs old. I just want a somewhat normal home and I want my husband to be part of my whole entire life. But at the same time I am willing to not bother him with any little details that I can handle myself. He doesn't want to be bothered with raising a child and I said I am willing to do it all. But by saying so, I'm now being selfish to him and the child. I'm soo upset and so lost. Please help me.
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Name: jamie_ogren | Date: Jul 10th, 2009 4:46 AM
maybe its the fact that you had to raise your
son like that, and hes now grown, you feel
that you should do it over again to make
things right? could that possibly be it?

i understand your feeling.
im in the same spot..
i have a very bad history in relationships,
and my sex life took years to become stable
because of things that have happened to
me, and i recently had a miscarriage, and
now have the same feelings you do..
every month, the two weeks before i start i
just think "maybe if i make him accidentally
lose control, he wont pull out." and when he
does i cry and get very upset.
he always has to come check on me when i
get in the shower because he absolutely
hates when i go in there and toward the end
of my shower i sit in the tub and just start
weeping.

i understand its a very hard situation.

i was told i may never be able to convieve
again.
so yes, its very hard.
because i always, ALWAYS, hope my doctor
was wrong.
and when i start my period every month i feel
like a failure. and like i have no purpose in
life anymore. i feel like its unfair that im so
young and i cant concieve.

and part of me just wants to prove my doctor wrong.

but every month when i start i think more negatively about it..

its all so hard to explain. 

Name: uneak 1 | Date: Aug 21st, 2009 1:01 AM
i so kno how u feel im right there my husband dosent seem to kno how bad this is killing me i love my husband very much and i want to have his child i dont have any children he has one......idk what to do cause everytime we talk about this i just end up angrier........ 

Name: VINEETH EMMANUEL | Date: Oct 23rd, 2009 1:23 PM
prayer to God in the name of Jesus is the best solution 

Name: ? | Date: Dec 17th, 2009 3:11 AM
I too am going through this very problem .My husband and I met almost eleven years ago. We both had previous marriages. He had one son who is now 23, I Have a daughter 23 and a son almost 18. From the very first I wanted to have a child with my husband. He refused .I now have 3 Grandchildren age 6,age,16months, and 2 months. I am only forty and my husband is only 43. I asked him again after 11 years together .I tried explaining how i felt and the reasons why i wanted a child with him so much. he has told me in the past that if i ever got pregnant i would have to basically go do something to take care of the problem. It makes me wonder what was so special about his first wife to make him make that commitment with her. I believe in my heart that he really loved her and he really doesnt love me. I really feel for you I know what you are going through. anyway His son has been in and out of trouble for years. my kids have turned out way better, Thank God ! The thing is he still loves his son unconditionally .I cant figure out why he couldnt have loved one of our children 

Name: meme | Date: Mar 7th, 2010 4:08 PM
Why don't you ask him about adopting?

Not to sound blunt, but sometimes women who are in such a desperate situation where they feel they "must" have a child (even if the husband says beforehand that they do NOT) are trying to fill some kind of void..such as.."i must have a child so I have 'something' from him incase he leaves me later on."..which would make sense since you have a very bad experience with your son's fathers before.

It may also be your age..you're still young, but you might have hormone issues with feeling you must conceive since you are reaching 40.

Overall, it seems as if we have to respect men as well as us. I'm pro-choice and would HATE if my husband forced me or pressured me to have a baby when I don't want any. So try to see the other side..sometimes men only want a certain amount of children.

You must respect his decision, or this will never end.

What might help is adopting a child, or adopting lots of pets--that helps..and maybe you just need extra attention rather then a baby. 

Name: Amy | Date: May 3rd, 2012 3:27 PM
As soon as we were married my husband went and had himself fixed. He told me that there will be no kids by him. Plus if I wanted kids find some one else to father them and pay for them. 


Name: heather-mummy-to-be | Date: May 22nd, 2012 9:07 PM
My hubby didnt want a child either and when i first told him about me being pregnant he was upset as he didnt want 1 but when i had the little baby girl he was overcome his fears and was deliegted to have 1.Now only 3 days to go until my 2nd 1 due, guess what tonnight, he packs his stuff up and leaves the house saying he never wants 2 see me ever again.
Can anyone give me advice on how to cope through this tough time and how to cope with 1 teenager and 1 newborn kid?(going to be born in 3 days time, don't know what it is or what the name is going to be but will let you all know.
Thanks
Heather-mummy-to-be 

Name: nini | Date: May 22nd, 2012 9:17 PM
this sounds familiar to my situation, except I am momentarily pregnant. My boyfriend has a child and now I want one too! Except he is telling me abortion is our only option. I pray for you and your husband to come to agreement with one another because love, marriage, and being a team is all about compromise! if you have any help for me please let me know as I am in an awful situation and need any help! 

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