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I have a 27 month old daughter with autisim. I love her so much it hurts. She is the sweetest little blond haired blue eyed munchkin. We are doing so much therapy everyday. I get so sad thinking of the easy times we use to have. Sometimes I turn on the Kenny Loggins CD I used to rock her to sleep to and it brings backs such wonderful memories of when our world was perfect. She was perfect, life was perfect. I would rock her to sleep and was the happiest I had ever been in my life. Recently, I have been turning the CD on and cuddling with her before bed. It brings back such good memories, but it makes me sad. I have been dealing with this situation well, however I can't get over my saddness. I don't think I will have more children, and I will never be that happy, go lucky person I used to be. I guess these feelings are coming from shattered dreams. I can't love my daughter any more than I do, but I see the relationships my friends have with their daughters, and I fear I will not ever have that. It's difficult not knowing how your child is feeling because they can't express themselves. The only word I have to describe it is heartbroken. ↓
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| Name: aussie Lee | Date: Apr 25th, 2006 3:02 AM |
You are not alone . Every parent experiences what you are going through-it is grieving for the future you thought you would have. It is 18 months since my son ws diagnosed and it took a year before I began to lessen my feelings of sadness, resentment, anger, envy of other families etc etc. you haven't lost your future it may well be different from what you expected, but I know from talking to other parents of "normal" children it is NEVER what you expect. No family gets through life without some sort of drama with their children-teminal illness, drug problems unwanted pregnancy, learning difficulties- the list is endless. All we can do as parents is prepare our children for their lives the best way we know how. you are already doing this, and your daughter is reaping thebenefits as we speak.- in time you will almost stop thinking about what might have been and rejoice in the unique and special qualities your daughter has and the special relationship you have with her that your friends will never have with their own children.
+autism can be very cruel in lots of ways- if i could choose a disability my son would have to have- it would not be autism. But It also has special aspects that I treasure in my son- the intense love he has for me, his wish to be social with everyone and his single minded determination and focus he shows when he is trying to do or learn something-its a journey like no other.
so try to look forward LK- I also would suggest a support group where you can talk face to face with parents that really do know exactly how you feel.
P.S. don't discard the idea of having other children just yet ↑ |
| Name: LK | Date: Apr 25th, 2006 11:48 PM |
| Thank you for your kind response Aussie Lee. Your right about questioning "what really is normal"...actually now that I think about it, I hated and argued with my parents about everything from the ages of 11-18, although now they are my best friends. My brother has NO relationship with them, and he is "normal". Your so right! What is normal anyway? I just hope that my daughter has the intense love for me that your son has for you. So far, I think she loves me, however she has never said MOM or Ma Ma, that does hurt me, especially when I see all the other kids running to their moms for a hug and a kiss. It's painful, but as you said... in time I will acclimate. ↑ |
| Name: aussie lee | Date: Apr 26th, 2006 1:58 AM |
I can guarantee that your daughter does love you. she just may not be able to express this in the "normal" way. You are the centre of her life- the one constant she can rely on-this is true of all children but especially so in children with autism. Its fantastic you have a great relationship with your parents-take the time to educate them about autism (you probably already have done so) they will be a fantastic support for you and your daughter. I am lucky I also have siblings and parents that I am very close to, and without their unfailing support (along with treasured friends) I would not be surviving-don't spend time with people who judge your parenting skills-they will drag you down. You will still have bad days in accepting everything-but hang in there-I'm sure you'll do a great job
the best of luck and kind regards from
Aussie Lee ↑ |
| Name: LK | Date: Apr 26th, 2006 5:12 AM |
| Thank you so much...I feel better know...thanks. ↑ |
| Name: Donna | Date: Apr 29th, 2006 7:03 PM |
| I can definitely relate. I am sitting here now crying. Mostly I am okay with it, but some days (usually when I am hormonal), the sadness is just overwhelming. My son Julian will be 4 in May. I also have a 6yr old daughter, Madison. I resent when people tell me things like "who better to deal with it than you. You are so strong." I feel like it denies my grief. Then there are the people who look at you with such pity that you want to scream... Sometimes I wonder if it isn't just being tired and overwhelmed and struggling that just catches up. I started seeing a psychiatrist and while I know that some people are resistant to meds, they help me to cope. I can tell that you love your little girl, and it's okay to get a little meloncholy from time to time. I'm sure that that happy go lucky person is still there. ↑ |
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