I've read a lot of messages here. It seems that tons and tons of women have problems with their BF or husband's ex wife all the time. If anyone is interested in helping a young person who's not used to dealing with this, here goes:
I'm 26. No kids. No weirdo exes that cause problems. Just a wonderful beau of 9 months with an ex wife (they were married for 10 years) and he has a 5 year old.
Now, when I met him, she had been gone for over 6 months and they were just waiting for the divorce to be final. Clearly, their romantic involvement was over. She lived in an apartment and he lived in the house that they had bought together, 7 years prior.
She found out about me through the little boy. She called my guy and went off about me, making it very clear that she was NOT cool with him dating before their divorce was final. She deems me a "skank whore" (although she knows little or nothing about me), and does not want me around her son.
Without going into too much unnecessary detail, the jist is this:
She hates my guts because I was dating him before their divorce was final, although they were very broken up and NOT getting back together. She has come to my work to tell me to stay out of HER house (the house that they owned together where he lived alone. It was up for sale), spoken to my father (who is also my boss. She knew my Dad from church way before my guy and I ever met) and told my Dad that I am "screwing her husband." She's called me names, gives me mean looks when I run into her around town, gives my guy an earfull every time she finds out that I've been around her son, and told my guy that he is "ruining their son's life" by having me around him. My BF and I are together pretty much all the time except when he has his son. We do not live together and I do not spend the night with him when he has the boy.
I have known for months that she hates my guts, and I wanted to have a conversation with her to try and resolve the conflict. My BF does not think any good would come out of that conversation, so he asked me not to talk to her and I have respected his wishes.
Everything came to a head the two nights ago when he had a seizure and went to the hospital.
He was with his little boy in the parking lot of a grocery store when it happened. The little boy got a grown-up to call an ambulance, call his mom, and her parents. When my BF got to the hospital, she was already there. She's a nurse and she works at the hospital my BF was taken to. Also there were her parents and her sister. My BF was glad to have her there because he was afraid, she's a nurse, she knows all his medical history, and he knew that she would ensure that he would get the best care he could while he was there. He called me from the emergency room to let me know what happened. He then got off the phone and had his friend call me to tell me that my BF didn't want me to come until she and her family were gone.
And I have my feelings hurt.
When I got a phone call that my Man was in the emergency room, I wanted to be with him! I didn't want to be told to go home and wait because his ex was there instead of me! It would have indeed made the situation uncomfortable for him if I had been there so I understand why he asked me not to come. But this conflict should have been taken care of months ago!
She and I are both a part of his life and there are times when our paths will cross. Should I have to take a back seat at times of medical emergency, when she is qualified to take care of him and I am not? I told him I want to talk to her, and he told her that I do, but she said she does not want to talk and she has nothing to say to me. She told my BF that she and I have a conflict but she will not say what it is.
He says there's nothing else he can do about it. He wants me to leave it alone because he doesn't want any more conflict. But when he goes to the hospital, she's there. Her parents are there. Her sister is there. And guess who's left on the outside? ME! I'm in his everyday life. I'm in a relationship with him. He spends more time with me than anyone in the world. Is something wrong with this picture?
I'm thinking HE should be the one to talk to her. I don't want to be standing up to an ex wife my whole life. HE's the man. HE should do it. Especially if she will not talk to me.
How do I deal with the ex wife? And is having a healthy, loving relationship with a great guy worth all the headache of dealing with the ex family? ↓
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| Name: pattyl | Date: Mar 16th, 2007 8:24 PM |
"is having a healthy, loving relationship with a great guy worth "
I dont' know if you are having a healthy and loving relationship with this guy. It is his responsibility to stand up to her. Sounds like he is allowing his soon to be X to run his life. This is probably the same life they had when they were together. She probably didn't want him anymore until he found you and then she got very jealous. If she is coming on your job or your life you have a right to stand up for yourself, but I would not go looking for trouble. Is the way that you want to live for the rest of your life? She isn't going anywhere and he is not going to make it any easier fo you. ↑ |
| Name: T | Date: Mar 16th, 2007 10:10 PM |
Wow! Thanks for your reply! I've been torn up about it today and it was cool to get a response in the same day.
I think he and I DO have a healthy and loving relationship. We communicate well most of the time and he treats me well. We're having a little trouble right now but that's bound to happen in any relationship.
And she is not his SOON to be ex. The divorce is final and has been for several months (guess I forgot to mention that!). She IS his ex!
I will go to the hospital today and talk to him. I want him to handle this. I don't think I should have to do it. No, I absolutely do not want to live the rest of my life this way, or even another second, but I'm going to give him a chance to fix it.
We'll see what he says after I talk to him....
Thanks a bunch for your reply!! ↑ |
| Name: pattyl | Date: Mar 17th, 2007 12:09 AM |
| Another thing, he probably did want you at the hospital, but did not want a big scene with her in a public place. If you are going to be married to him he has got to stand up to her. If you are married how would you feel if he was sick and he told you not to come to the hosp because of her. I was curious about the BF is he an epileptic? I can't believe the whole family had to congregate at the hospital for an X husband. WOW!! Just so you know: I too am a stepmother just like you will be. The BM will always be scared to death that the boy will love you more than her, X will love you more than her, his family and everybody. Sounds like she does have a lot of mental problems, but the issue is, she is the mother of his child and if you hang around you will see that some men let the X walk all over them just to be able to see their child and have a relationship. She will probably hate you for a long time because she thinks you are prettier and obviously easier to love than she is. Some X wifes just hate to see their Xs happy with someone else. Most importantly its about control. She knows that she is losing control over him and the situation because of you. Unfortunately, for all us of SM it seems BM has the power through BF to make our lives a living hell. ↑ |
| Name: T | Date: Mar 20th, 2007 3:52 PM |
He's out of the hospital. They don't know if he's epileptic or not. They're still running tests.
I think I may have some things confused. Does BF stand for Baby's Father? I thought it stood for boyfriend. I do not have any children so I may be at the wrong site. I was just looking for advice on how to deal with an ex wife and I found some info here.
I talked to him over the weekend. Just as you said, he did want me there but didn't want a conflict. They were married for 10 years and together for 15. They've only been apart now for about 15 months. Maybe she's not ready to see him with someone else yet. I can sort of understand the feelings she must be having toward me. Jealousy. Anger. Etc. Truth is, she will probably NEVER like me just because I'm with the guy she was with for 15 years. No matter how nice or great I am. I just wish she'd act like an adult! I don't want to be insensitive to her feelings, nor do I wish to step aside every time my presence makes her uncomfortable. I just wish she and I could solve this conflict so it doesn't have to be such a struggle when our paths DO have to cross!
He said that because she's a woman, she has a major advantage in court. He has joint custody now and he's afraid she has more power to take that away because she's a female, and because she's a nurse who works with children. My presence upsets her and makes her uneasy, so he's afraid that will "inspire" her to try to get full custody of their son.
My guy says that when/if we get married, she'll have to be more accepting of our relationship. He says it won't be this way if we were married. But how do I know that unless I marry him and see for myself? No such thing as a "trial marriage!" Once we get married, and things don't change, it's too late!!
What can I do to ease this tension between she and I? Maybe I should just stay away from her for a while until she's had more time to get used to me. She won't talk to me. She just gives me dirty looks trys to talk bad about me to my guy.
She does not have mental problems. In fact she is a very stable, intelligent person in all other areas of her life. Most people like her and have good things to say about her. She only starts acting like a psycho when it comes to ME!
Is there anything I can do ? ↑ |
| Name: pattyl | Date: Mar 20th, 2007 5:22 PM |
BF=birth father or boy friend
I think she is a very good actor in public and around other people. Because of what you said in your first paragraph I don’t think she is a stable person where her X is concerned.
The critical thing is to keep the lines of communication open between you and the boy friend so you will know why he is always trying to keep the peace.
There isn’t anything you can do to improve the relationship with the childs mother and maybe with time she will accept the things she cannot change. I would give her more time to get used to you being around BUT, if he allows her to run you off she will do the same thing to all the others that come along. You’re BF will never have a life and she will maintain control over him which is what she wants. Like you said there is no such thing as a trial marriage so hopefully you will see a improvement as time goes along. ↑ |
| Name: T | Date: Mar 20th, 2007 6:15 PM |
| Thats good advice and I'll try to concentrate on that. Thank you. ↑ |
| Name: onlykim1 | Date: Mar 20th, 2007 7:58 PM |
DO YOU WANT TO BE FINANCIALLY STABLE. WORK FRM HOME AND EARN GOOD INCOME:
REPLY TO: [email protected] ↑ |
| Name: tb4 | Date: Mar 27th, 2007 1:14 PM |
T---Sorry to hear about your situation! I understand how difficult this is to handle. However, I wanted to let you know.....his soon to be ex is very jealous, upset and confused. Even though they haven't been together in over 15 months, she's having a hard time accepting the fact that he's met someone else, who he wants to share his life with and become a part of her son's life, too. Some people find that hard to swallow. Perhaps she will get over herself and move on with her own life or maybe she won't. Either way, your bf is with you....now!!! That counts for something. I understand your bf not wanting to cause conflicts b/c it would make things worse on his son. Yet, he's giving his ex time for her emotions to settle down b/c he's afraid of losing his joint custody of his son. Yes, even though she's a female chances are he won't lose his joint custody since he already has it. He's obviously a good father to his son and hopefully, no judge in this world would ever take that kind of relationship away. Judges try to push for joint custody unless there is specific proofs in being a horrible parent and even that is sometimes very hard to prove. For now, you may feel like your on the back burner but you have to think about the broad picture. If you sit back to avoid the conflicts with the ex will only benefit you in the long run. Plus, your bf will appreciate how you've been able to overcome this roller coaster ride and experience a life with a man and his son, whom you truly care about. Sure, the ex will create all kinds of waves for you but you have to try to not let her get under your skin. It's YOU....your bf wants to spend time with.....not HER. They both made their choice 15 months ago. She's always going to be a part of his life b/c of their son but alot will depend on you being able to tune her out. Sure, she may not want you around her son but she can't stop that. That's your bf's choice and well, he's willing to spend his time with you....then so be it. I know it really hurts you that she's there taking care of him while in the hospital but it shows he doesn't want to hurt you in these difficult moments. Since, he's spent a lot of years with her, he seems to know her reactions and attitude alot better than you may think. Keep in mind that what your experiencing is only temporary. Right now, he's thinking of his son and doesn't want to lose him. You have to think of that too as much as it hurts you. When she causes a scene in front of you or in the presence of other people....try to to hold your head up high and put a smile on your face b/c she's purposely trying to tear you down, hoping that you will walk out of your bf's life. Don't give her the satisfaction!!! When she does these things to you....it only makes her look like such a fool. It shows that you are a much better person to be able to handle a sticky situation like a responsible adult. Just keep smiling with no response. Trust me....you will win this battle!! She will eventually see that there is nothing she can say or do to make YOU go away. Yes, having a healthy, loving relationship with a great guy is truly worth all the efforts b/c sometimes we don't get these opportunities to be happy with someone so wonderful. It's YOU he enjoys, it's YOUR qualities that you have that he fell in love with. Think of the positive things that he does for you when your together. Trying to talk with ex will do you no good. She has to come to her own realization. The best way to handle her is to not let her see that she's getting the best of you. After she makes her scenes, communicate with your bf privately about the incident but try not to dwell on it and let him know so much of how it hurts you. Find a good friend to talk with about this or a family member or even vent here on this site. Eventually, you will see that this time has passed and things will turn out for the better.
I've been in a similar situation and I know it's not easy to go through but as I look back on it all.....I worried all for nothing. To this date, my ex still can't stay out of my life but I'm alot better at handle things than I was. The only difference from me to you was that I was the one, who meet someone new. Even though, I didn't find out until after I filed for divorced that my ex had cheated on me. Even though, my own family members had sided with my ex and wanted me to give up the chance of being truly happy with a man I dearly love.....I wouldn't give in. Now, almost 4 years later, I got re-married, had a baby girl and completely happy knowing I made the right choice being with someone, who treats me better than himself.
I do hope the best for you. I'm almost certain things will work out. You have alot of love and kindness to share. So, keep your head up high, smile and focus on the future. I can tell ya, it's never easy when there is an ex involved but it's what you and your bf have together that's so important. Best wishes and please, keep us posted. ↑ |
| Name: tb4 | Date: Mar 27th, 2007 1:36 PM |
| T----I also wanted to tell ya that my ex tried everything on me. Even though I was married to him for 12 years, he tried using my new relationship in court to gain custody of our three kids but it didn't work. He's tried bad mouthing me all over the neighborhood to everyone who would listen but eventually, people got tired of listening to him complain. He tried turning our children against my ex and perhaps he may have succeeded a little bit with my oldest son but for the most part, we are one big happy family. Now, he's trying very hard to work on all three kids to get them to live with him. Maybe he'll succeed and maybe he won't but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. Overall, my new husband and I have a wonderful relationship and despite all the snares my ex as put in front of us....we still are madly in love with each other. Since, I've had to go through all the negativity and worried about what people thought of me, it came down to the fact that I didn't care what people thought. Now, after all this time, people are coming and telling me that they completely understand why I divorced my ex in the first place. They realize that I've must have been an extremely patient person to have put up with a man such as him. I've been told that my ex would take me back in a heart beat. Probably because he can't or won't find someone, who took care of him like I did and well, sure that maybe what he thinks but it would never happen. He had 12 years to make things work and yet, he chose to throw it all away. Initially, I was scared to death about leaving him, worried about losing my children but it was the best decision I've ever made. ↑ |
| Name: T | Date: Mar 27th, 2007 8:25 PM |
Thanks tb4! This IS a very good place to vent and what you said ("You will win this battle") makes me feel a lot better. She has him so stressed out right now that it is definately making an impact on our relationship in a negative way. We're not getting along very well lately and he's very touchy. Long story short, she caught him with a small amount of marijuana at the hospital. (Which I don't do but I don't care if he does. That small amount is only a misdemeanor in my area so whatever.) She said he can't have the boy until he quits. He can come to her house to visit the boy, but my beau cannnot take his son home with him. So my guy agreed to quit immediately. Of course his son is more important than smoking weed. He agreed to refrain from taking the boy home for one month until he can pass a drug test, and after that he will take a drug test for her every month...
But thats not good enough for her. She's telling him he cannnot take the boy home for one full YEAR! And after that year (submitting to a drug test every month), if he passes, then he can have his son!
I think she's nuts. She can't take his son away because he USED to be a pothead! I think he's being more than reasonable but she's acting like a total crack-pot!
And its got him REALLY stressed out. The new hospital bill. Not being able to have his son. Plus other things. And he and I aren't getting along so well.
Could it be that she's putting this stress on him purposely? I don't understand how someone could be so awful. ↑ |
| Name: pattyl | Date: Mar 28th, 2007 12:06 PM |
I agree with you I think she is nuts too. “Could it be that she's putting this stress on him purposely?” Of course she is doing this on purpose anything to get rid of you.
This is an extremely bad case of dictatorship and she has convinced herself that she is the judge, jury and executioner. The reason that you two are having problems is because all the problems with her are reflecting on your relationship. I WOULD BE FINDING OUT HOW MANY WOMEN THAT SHE ALREADY GOT RID OF AND HOW LONG THE RELATIONSHIP SURVIVED.
Your BF has a choice either he can be part of the solution or part of the problem. He’s got to get his balls out of her pocketbook and start standing up for himself. If he lets her start telling him when and if he can get his own child he might as well bend over and take it up the but without the Vaseline.
On a much smaller scale I have dealt with some of the same issues. The X did not let it go until she found someone of her own and got a life somewhere else. Maybe you could sign her up for a dating service or pay someone to go out on blind dates with her.
After I got married I found out something that I did not know before hand. On the marriage license it will have 2 visible names, but it definitely is a package deal. The X and the children are on that contract too you just can’t see it when you sign it. If I were you I would take it very slowly and see if it improves. The problem isn’t between you and the X the problem is between the BF and the X. More than likely all the time they were married she was running the show and he always gave in. She knows that she is losing control and a control freak cannot allow that to happen. Even if she does not want the guy herself she will not allow someone else to have him.
If the X forces him to choose between the child and you, you are going to lose because most people will not give up their flesh and blood for a relationship. If he allows her to force him to choose then you really don’t want him anyway.
I think the BF needs to give the X a test just to prove my point. He should say to her,’ If I give up the GF or make sure that she is never around my child, will I be able to get back on the old schedule that I had before all this happened?” As far as the pot goes, that’s only an excuse to get what she wants. Ask him if he smoked a little bit of pot when they were married all those years. If he did how did she feel about it then.
Good luck to you. Either way its going to be bumpy ride. ↑ |
| Name: tb4 | Date: Mar 28th, 2007 9:51 PM |
Hi T----As far as your bf smoking pot, well, that's really none of the ex's business but it is a misdemeanor and having it in the presence of minors could be a problem. However, the ex demanding him to take a drug test every month is something I don't think she can legally make him do. If in fact, she did find the pot on him while he was in the hospital, she could get in serious trouble for not reporting it in the first place especially being a nurse. So, she could get into just as much trouble as he can. Especially, if she ever tries to bring this issue up in court. Seriously, whatever written agreement they have on paper in regards to custody, visitation and child support should be followed faithfully. Legally, I don't think the ex can change how or what he does during his visitation unless she's brought the issue up in court or have it in writting. Perhaps it could be a good idea for him to consult an attorney regarding this matter only to protect himself. Another thing that puzzles me, if she did find the pot, then why was her family members with her at the hospital? Why would they even care if they are getting a divorce unless she's still in love with him? All that you've told me so far is that she's trying every angle to control your bf. Think about it, there are people, who have drinking problems. I haven't heard someone having to take a test all the time to prove they aren't drinking anymore unless they have been in trouble from it repeatedly. I understand pot takes longer to get out of your system but it's kind of the same thing. She can't control what he does on his own personal time. Atlhough, having his son present while having the stuff around isn't a good idea. This may explain why he's so stessed b/c he maybe worried that she might try using this issue in court. Also, if they ran any blood tests on him while he was in the hospital, the marijuana might show up in the results. Yet, if his ex didn't report that she found the stuff on him.....he may have something to bargin with if he gets in trouble over it. Even if it did show up in the results, he could easily say that he did it when he didn't have his son present. She's trying to pull the stunt that she's covered for him only to expect him to play by her rules. She's grabbing at anything she can to make sure that you are not in her son's life. She's had to of known that he's smoked weed before so why is it such an issue now unless it has something to do with you being in his life? This could explain some of his frustration and the arguements with you.
People do the craziest things over children. She's using her son as a bargining tool to get her way. Legally, I really don't think she can do it. Yet, I don't know the law that well so I'm only speculating. Perhaps if he requests a copy of his medical records to see if any of his blood test show results of pot in his system, then take this information to his attorney to find out what he can do about this situation. It's good that it doesn't really matter what you think about him using but it's the ex that's trying to control everything about you and him. If I was him, I would not commit to any changes she requests unless he's told by a judge. Then, I would seriously try to kick the habit or perhaps enroll in a rehab center to help him. This way it will show that he is trying to change only to make his life better with his son. I don't know if I've offered much advice but maybe it's something you both can discuss together. It will show that your are trying to help while standing by his side.
I'm very sorry your having difficulties. This time will pass. I hope everything will work out for you all. Try to hang in there and if nothing else, just listen to his pain and sorrows. I'm sure he's feeling alot of anxiety and you, too. ↑ |
| Name: T | Date: Mar 29th, 2007 2:45 PM |
He doesn't need to go to rehab. He's already quit. He's got a lawyer and he's getting prepared to go to court if she decides to take him. She knew that he smoked when they were married, but she hated it and she crucified him every time she caught him. That's part of the reason they got a divorce. He's being smart and doing everything he can to make sure he doesn't lose joint custody.
Its hard to believe that she would put up a fuss about "little ole me." Perhaps I'm arrogant to entertain the idea that this could be about me. The world doesn't revolve around me. Its very likely that this has nothing to do with me... she's just nuts.
I'm the first girl he's been serious about since they were divorced/seperated, so I'm the first one she knows about. She hasn't had the opportunity to ruin his "other relationships" cause this is the first one he's had since her.
But I do think the test thing is a good idea. I'll run it by my guy and see what he thinks.
Thanks, guys!! ↑ |
| Name: tb4 | Date: Mar 29th, 2007 8:43 PM |
T-----Yes, your right, it really isn't you at all. It's funny how it's always the crazy ones that create such a fuss over nothing that's none of their business. She's in total denial to think that he may never meet someone else in his life. I'm sure whether it's you or someone else.....all would still get the same treatments. Sorry, she's being such a pain. Yet, since, she hasn't seemed to move on with her own life, she finds your bf's life more interesting.
In my case, when my ex did meet someone, he paraded around like a proud peacock. Hey, koodles to him, I was glad that he met someone but the relationship didn't last very long. She figured him out in such a short amount of time instead of 12 years like it took me.
I wish you the best and hope things will get better soon. ↑ |
| Name: T | Date: Mar 30th, 2007 5:27 PM |
| I think everything is going to be fine. I just have to accept the fact that if I'm with him, she's always going to be in the background. He knows its hard on me at times, and he appreciates me sticking with him anyway. I got a book about "how to deal with the ex wife" and that's helping too. I just hope that any ex wife who reads this will understand the stress and damage she can cause, even after her and her baby's Dad have split up, and try to be a decent ex instead of a crazy or mean one. Thanks for listening and offering your time and advice. It is much appreciated. ↑ |
| Name: Amyjohnson | Date: Mar 30th, 2007 9:29 PM |
Hi T
Ok It's pretty obvious that she still loves and cares for her ex very much, other wise she would be able to meet u and let thier son be around you. I can understand that she doesn't want you to spend the night when her son is over, but it should not be a problem if you are a round him. Your bf also sounds like he is scared to stick up for u on how you feel about all of this. I would be upset too. She needs to let go and move on with her life. ↑ |
| Name: tb4 | Date: Apr 1st, 2007 9:07 PM |
T--- I undertand your reading this book but the ex doesn't care about what you think or feel. She feels threatened buy you because you are the one person that is in her ex's life that can make him happy. That's all that she is going to see for now and that you may become a step parent to her son........scares the hell out of her. So, just consider her own issues and deal with her own anxieties. It's not you, it has nothing to do with literally, she doesn't want her only son to enjoy his father and his girlfriend, afraid of being replaced by you. It's a maternal istinct because I felt the same way when my ex met someone. Granted, I wanted him to meet someone buy I never wanted someone apart of my kids lives. Yet, I can only imangine how he feels when I remarried the man I met after I left him. I try to look at all angles......it's hard on everyone.,,,,,no matter the circumstance. So, please understand, I'm not coming to ex's defense but I'm trying to understand if it was me in her shoes. Alot of people don't look at things like......yet you have a compasssionate heart........you can see it from both sides. That's something you have to look at. Ask yourself, what benefit can you bring to both your bf and the boy? Well, there's alot of qualities I can think despite what his ex says and does. Girl, excel on these qualities.....if it's meant to be...you will know it inside your heart, Your boyfriend will see these qualities, too and then the son will be sure to follow with time.
The ex is using the relationship you have with her ex but you as example of being with her ex. She's not willing to accept that he has someone in his life, therefore, she can't handle you being apart of her son's life. So, yes, she make you her personal vendetta but no, it's not just you. It's anyone who steps into hers son's life that she's afraid of............and that's sad because I know you can give him qualities she's never thought of. I do hope for the best, and please understand.....you're welcome to vent anytime you choose to do so.. Goodluck to you all ↑ |
| Name: T | Date: Apr 3rd, 2007 7:42 PM |
I know what you're saying. "Try not to take it personal." I do try, its just kind of hard sometimes. NOW she's gone to a judge and set up a custody hearing. In the mean time (until the court date), my guy cannot see his son AT ALL because the boy is in her possesion and "possesion is nine-tenths of the law" as they say. Can you believe this? Over a tiny bit of pot that he's since QUIT using? She's keeping him from his pride and joy because he USED to smoke pot!! The main idea here is to do what's in the best interest of the child. Is it in the best interest of the child not to see his father, who is now clean and sober? I don't get it. And I can't talk to my guy about it because it makes him upset. It seems to me there's only two explanations here:
-Either she's a selfish bitch who would sacrifice the well-being of her son to take a shot at her ex husband
or
-Somewhere in her crazy deranged mind she actually believes it is in the best interest of the child not to be around his father because he used to smoke pot.
She's been an absolute nightmare. And the bf and I are having some hard times because of it. I can't believe that anyone would act this way. She's acting as if he were some kind of hardcore criminal but a little bit of pot just isn't that big of a deal to me. Especially since he's not even using it anymore!! I wish I could confront her myself and ask her what the hell her problem is, but as we know that would do more harm than good. GRRRRRRR!!! I know this isn't about me but it sure is affecting me. Geeez, can't we all just get along? ↑ |
| Name: tb4 | Date: Apr 3rd, 2007 9:11 PM |
hi T---"Possession being nine tenths of the law!" Whoa, this a human being we are talking about not material possessions. I agree, what the hell is wrong with the ex. She's interferring with the child's relationship b/c of a flaw she finds in the father. Well, everyone has a flaw doesn't matter what it is but the other party is always trying to find fault somewhere. Like I've said before, if she discovered pot on him while in the hospital....it was her duty to report it and she failed. That could possible jeapordize her license as a nurse. Although, she could deny it but how can she ever prove otherwise that your bf was ever using unless that his blood records prove otherwise or there was another incident she found it? She has to have legal grounds. She has to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that he was using or is in fact using. Therefore, him speaking to his attorney about all of this is the only thing that can help him through this. He needs the proper legal advice about this. I guess it depends on where you are from, what kind of judges you go in front of (meaning what they tolerate b/c each one is different). I'm sure your bf is upset and worried b/c his one mistake could cost him his time with his son. Granted, you may not think it's that big of a deal but for someone to have this kind of vendetta is looking for anything to pull all the strings regarding the boy. When it comes to children and divorce....you have to walk on a the straight and narrow path b/c no matter what you do.....it will always be brought up in court about every little mistake. Unless the judge could careless out minor details....everything always matters when there are children involved. It's sad what you all are going through. You both are trying to move on and create something happy and wholesome but someone is always trying to pull or hold ya back. I don't know what state you live in but it might not be a bad idea to learn what the father's rights are in your state. Soon to be ex's always try to make it out like it's against them even though, they refuse to see it's the child they are hurting. This is something you both need to overcome. If she has copies of his actual blood records which how did she get them without his verification because of the privacy act in place or can she really use this or specify these records to be apart of court records, then she has to have other specifics to back her accusations up. She has to prove beyond a reasonable doubt. This is general but he has to be willing to go that extra mile no matter what the outcome is. I can understand why he's keeping you at a distance b/c he's worried about the outcome. Usually while in the trial process of custody.....you have to make sure there is no question on your parental abilities. Even though you don't find fault with him smoking pot a judge might. That's something legal only they can handle. I hope the outcome works out but please keep us posted.
I'm sorry......I hope things work out for the best. It's not going to be easy and there are tough roads ahead but one mistake shouldn't prevent him from ever having any contact with his son. She may get punished from keeping contact with him until the court hearing. That's what happened to me, therefore, my ex ended up with more visitation time than me.
Try to be strong and understanding. It's all you can do for now. He may feel upset at you b/c he lost his time with his son but it was him that made his choice....not you. I do hope he regains his time back b/c he loves his son so much. ↑ |
| Name: T | Date: Apr 5th, 2007 5:30 PM |
| He lost! They just got out of court and he lost. He has to have supervised visitation for a while because he used to smoke pot!! The lawyer told him he should lie that he ever had it, and it would be her word against his. But instead he told the truth and now the judge has ruled for supervised visitation!!!! Can you freaking believe this? ↑ |
| Name: pattyl | Date: Apr 5th, 2007 6:21 PM |
| Yes, I do believe it. How long is this supervised visitation going to last? I do think all of this is going to have a big impact on your relationship with him. Is the X wife the one in charge of the supervision? If so, then she has total control, which is what she wanted all along. This means his child can never spend the night with him or do the normal things that parents do with their kds. There is one ray of sunshine, she bit off her nose to spite her face. Every weekend for a long time she is going to be sitting home with her child. She wont have every other weekend off to do what she wants to do. ↑ |
| Name: T | Date: Apr 13th, 2007 3:27 PM |
No, she is not in charge of visitation. He is so mad at her that he can't stand to be around her. They agreed on a mutual friend. She will drop the boy off at the friend's house and my guy will stay there all weekend with them. She says she's "protecting her son," but when my BF asks her what she's protecting him from, she replies, "you had marijuana in your pocket." That's not a real answer!! My BF's lawyer went to talk to the judge, and the judge said he didn't feel comfortable giving the boy right back to him because he admitted to having marijuana in his pocket. It sounds like even the judge doesn't appreciate honesty! You hear people say our legal system is messed up all the time. Well, here's a good example. My BF would have faired much better in court had he just told a lie! What a shame.
My guy is doing a good job of keeping a better attitude. Like he said, she's pulled all her tricks out of the bag. There's not anything else she can do, so its only uphill from here. Hopefully the judge will be reasonable and give the boy back to his father.
I wonder if he and I were married, would that make any difference in court? Do most courts frown upon remarriage, or do they prefer it? Or does it even make a difference? ↑ |
| Name: T | Date: Apr 13th, 2007 8:02 PM |
| Well the lawyer talked to the judge today. Judge said he won't give the boy back right now (even though the hair test and urine test came out clean). Judge said he's going to have to "prove himself." What the hell does that mean? Is this just another way to make more money for the court? Why won't he just give the kid back? The judge said they would have to go to court again (and who knows when that will be) and my BF will have to have witnesses. But who's a credible witness? This is insane. THIS WOMAN IS A FREAKING NIGHTMARE!!!!! ↑ |
| Name: Lory | Date: Apr 14th, 2007 3:49 PM |
Hi T! Honestly....the courts don't see you one way or another! At least in my case they didn't! (unless you are a negative influence on his child, which obviously your not!) I have been w/hubby for 13 yrs. his oldest is 21 & his youngest w/ the x is 16! The courts have never acknowledged myself or our daughter! Even "our" attorney treated me like I didn't belong there & who the heck was I!!! I find what has happened to your bf sick & disgusting! And...I'm sorry you all are going through this at the hands of a controlling x & the courts!
It sounds like she will always try to keep the so called "upper hand" on him. Those types don't really have their child at heart...oh, they act like they do but, some of the things they put everyone through shows different! And...unfortunately as long as your are with him...you will always be indirectly involved. It is a very long haul to be honest! I can tell you if you feel in your heart he is a "good guy", you will pull through together! The good will begin to out weigh the bad over time! She can only have so much control...and only for so long! Although I know it is hard for you at this time....I have to say just comply with the order and courts for now. (you both know he is not a pos father) That does not mean to not stand up to her either! Keep a ledger of everything...as far as a credible witness', he can get letters from his employer, family, etc. Most employers understand the situations! Believe me...been there! Continue to do what you both know is right in your heart & best for his son! And, yes alot of times the courts do not have the child in their best interest as they claim! It is alot of times a $$ thing! Including with the attorneys! I'm sorry I could not offer you positive advice...but again I can tell you...you both have to stand strong...stick together....be each others support! And...over time...her control will get less, and less. And....there are some great people here in this forum....that have helped me get through some of my roughest days! Even though it's the internet! Hang in there...and best wishes to you both! This is a great place to vent! ↑ |
| Name: T | Date: Apr 15th, 2007 9:12 PM |
I keep hearing horror stories from stepmoms!! Are there any goods things about being a stepmom? The kid is not the problem! I like the kid a lot. And he likes me a lot. Its his mother that's driving ME insane!! When my BF asked me out for our first date, I didn't know he was asking if I wanted to date his ex wife too!! LOL!
I just wish there was something I could do. Or something he could do. In the mean time, he's not allowed to be alone with his son until... who knows how long? I just can't believe all of this. Everyone I talk to thinks that she's being totally unreasonable. But SHE doesn't think she's being unreasonable. She thinks she's "protecting her son" or so she says. She absolutely will not budge and there's nothing we can do. He's going to stay away from pot and continue the supervised visitation for now. Is there anything else he can do?
She smokes ciggarettes and he doesn't! Can't he take the boy away for THAT? Seems about as logical as what she's doing! Just Kidding. Any ideas? ↑ |
| Name: pattyl | Date: Apr 15th, 2007 11:34 PM |
| There isn't anything that you can do about the situation. When she found him with the pot he gave her the excuse that she was looking for. She will always be a thorn in his side. He won't be able to cut her lose for 15 years and 15 years of hell is a long time. ↑ |
| Name: pattyl | Date: Apr 15th, 2007 11:36 PM |
| BTW=I am sure she is very happy because 2 weekends a month he isn't around you. ↑ |
| Name: T | Date: Apr 16th, 2007 3:30 PM |
| Hmmm... I hadn't thought about that. If her goal was to keep the boy away from me, well she certainly accomplished that didn't she? And you guys sure aren't very optimistic!! 15 years of hell? Geez!! People tell me she will chill out when she meets someone and has a relationship of her own. At least now that she's dropping the kid off every other weekend that gives her some time to date and find a man! Fifteen years of hell sounds like a long time!! ↑ |
| Name: Tammy | Date: Jul 29th, 2007 5:06 AM |
| Hi, I would not deal with it at all. She is controlling you throught what is taking place. I would ignore her. She chose her path and who cares if you were not yet divorced. To bad for her if she can't handle it. You will drive yourself nuts trying to please a witch like this. I think your new boyfriend if he is truly what you want needs to step up to the plate and quit being afraid of her and let her know how its going to be. His personal life is none of her business and as I see it she is only jealous of you. Let her know that she is not going to come between the two of you and that you are here to stay. If she chooses to use the child in the middle then that is her own fault and all she is doing is hurting the child in the process. Call her on the carpet on things. If you are a good person and they are divorced she has no legal ground to stand on except her jealous immature behavior and opinions. I would put her aside and have your partner let her know that the only thing they will ever have to discuss is there son and it does not matter what she thinks of you she lost that right when they divorced. Stay strong and good luck. ↑ |
| Name: went throug it | Date: Oct 30th, 2007 7:45 PM |
| get out....it is not worth it because as long as they have their son she will never be out of your life....I know from experience..... ↑ |
| Name: LM | Date: Jan 4th, 2008 4:04 PM |
My new partner and I live it every single day. We are just beginning to share our story at http://www.thepsychoexwife.com
It takes a strong person to deal with an ex-wife who wants to cause chaos for all. I still don't know how my partner continues to deal with it all to be with me. ↑ |
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