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Name: Trying2cope
[ Original Post ]
I've read the other posts suggesting to just ignore the ex's antics, but how can you ignore when the kids tell you they "don't have to listen to you"? My husband has a bio-daughter and a stepson with his ex wife. They spend every other week with us. Coming into this, I knew my husband was taking care of a son that wasn't biogically his, so I was prepared, or so I thought. We've been married almost three years now and my stepson is now telling me he only has to listen to his real mom and dad. This child eats my food, sleeps on the bed I provided, has the 2nd biggest room in the house, the list goes on. If you couldn't tell, I am very angry over this. He's 10 and I know that has to do a lot with it, but his mom supports this notion that I cannot be a parent to her kids, even in my own home! Sorry, but I am not going to simply "be nice" to her while she instructs her kids to walk all over me in my home. Talking to her means my getting cursed out and not getting a word in edgewise. Her own family acknowledges that she is clinically crazy. HELP!?
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Name: Lory | Date: Apr 16th, 2008 9:40 PM
Trying2cope---In my experience...(a long time)...your hubby should not be allowing this disrespect. It puts you in the middle...I'm not saying to not discipline.....but.....if it's driving you crazy...which it seems it is at this point. Hubby needs to step in and tell him to stop disrespecting his wife....that you are a part of his life and will be. As far as the x....it seems she is doing this vindictvly...I can't say she will stop either. If your dh's x is anything like mine....there is no talking to her about this either...she's always in the right....hahahaha! But...if he can discuss this issue with her...him..not you....then it may be worth a shot too. I've found that trying to stay out of the proverbial middle....seems to "half way" keep the x at bay. After all....it is the control they seek. I hope some of this helps...GOOD LUCK to you. Believe me...completely understand where your at. 

Name: Trying2cope | Date: Apr 16th, 2008 10:05 PM
Thanks Lory. My husband has stepped in and told the ex that it's our house, our rules, but as you mentioned she's always right in her eyes, so sometimes it's like talking to a brick wall. We have an appointment with a mediator tomorrow since that's the only way I will talk to her. Too many times has she flown off the handle and gotten out of control when we tried to "talk" in the past. I won't waste anymore time like that again. She's extremly vindictive and has told me before, "Rememember, I had him first". Kind of freaked me out because I am well past junior high school! ha ha ha! Thanks again for the well wishes, I'm sure I'll need it! 

Name: Lory | Date: Apr 17th, 2008 12:09 AM
Best Wishes w/the mediator hun! I hope things go y'all's way....Have a good one! 

Name: Lory | Date: Apr 17th, 2008 12:11 AM
P.S. I'll tell ya...if she continues to "fly off the handle" she will someday...end up cutting her own throat in court...w/a mediator..etc. They always do....... 

Name: Trying2cope | Date: Apr 17th, 2008 1:51 AM
My plan is to hold my tongue tomorrow (to an extent) and let my husband do most of the talking. As you said, I'll let her hang herself. It's really pretty simple, when the kids are with us, they live as we do and by our rules; which are oh-so unfair, things like wash your hands, clean your room, just terrible, huh?! And I will celebrate afterwards by foregoing the diet for a hot fudge sundae! 

Name: mari4him | Date: May 8th, 2008 10:19 PM
I had my ex-husband's daughter from a previous marriage tell me once when she was about 5 years old that "she didn't have to listen to me because I was not her mother"... this statement led by what her mother told her. I simply looked at her and said.. "you are absolutely right, I am not your mother, but I am your step-mother and this is my home and while you are here you will follow the rules your father and I have set up and you will show me respect." It only happened that one time, because when her daddy got home, I informed him of what had happened and he backed me up. That is what it boils down to. Hubby needs to back you up and insist that his child show you respect. He also needs to address this with his ex-wife and let her know she is not helping her child any by doing this and that one day she may have a man in her life and will want her child to show him respect, as he would too. 


Name: Gwin | Date: May 9th, 2008 3:00 PM
Mari3him is exactly right on. Responding clearly, having your husbands support, and being clear with your shared child and the mom if necessary in regards to the future is key. This process does help me not get lost in what the mom's intent was but focused on doing what is right for the child and my family moving forward. But it is a challenge! Sometimes I feel as though everything is a life lesson (like I'm always "on")...like I'm personally responsible for the greater good....does that make sense? 

Name: Trying2cope | Date: May 16th, 2008 10:24 PM
Thanks Mari4him/Gwin-

Since my entry, we've had a meeting with a mediator (since that's the only way I agreed to communicate with her) and I basically told her that in our home, WE run the show. And I would not be the "silent partner" as she suggested. It's funny that our home is the healthy one with washed hands and church on Sundays! Yet, she points fingers at us while she lets the kids listen to music and watch movies that we consider inappropriate for their ages and has them out at all hours of the night. My husband has stepped up to the plate even more saying that he was tired of all her crap. Thanks again, wish us luck! 

Name: Biscuit Tin | Date: Sep 17th, 2008 10:16 PM
Talk to the kids more. Kids look for and need disipline. Try talking to the kids at their level. At 10 the stepson is old enough to know right from wrong. He would not behave this way in a strangers home so why in your home? I can be easy to slip into talking to him and ending up belittling his mother but if you remain calm and in control you can hopefully explain to him how the situation is, at a level he can understand. She will never change but children are able to absorb both the bad stuff she is feeding them and the good stuff you are teaching them. Persistance with the kids is key. It's what I'm trying and I think it seems to be working, fingers crossed!. Best of luck with everything. 

Name: knowshowitis | Date: May 19th, 2009 3:34 AM
Well, all of you need to try and realize this is hard for the children in these situations. I was raised with my Dad and his girlfriend and "I" felt as if I befriended this girlfriend I was not being loyal to my own mother. The children act out this way toward the "new" mate sometimes as a way of letting out anger but also as a way of being loyal to their biological parent. I honestly believe, after being in one of these dituations as a child, the non'biological person needs to step to the side and let the real mother and father handle the children. 

Name: ashly | Date: Jan 8th, 2011 10:08 PM
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Name: ( . ) | Date: Mar 23rd, 2011 9:18 PM
wAIT A MINUTE, This 10 year old isn't his bio son. Ask that woman who the kids real dad is. She isn't basing her facts on true information. His real dad is he paying child support. The ex should be happy someone at all is helping. She has nerve to control you in your home because he is not your son or your husband's. That woman is not helping the confused son. He should be removed comepletly from mom's home before he get in trouble. He need stable home which you can provide. Maybe son secretly want you for his real mom and his mom know that. You say she clinically crazy. No good for growing boy. 

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