In the beginning of my divorce, my daughter acted up in school and at home. However, I sent up an appointment with her to meet with the social worker at school on a regular basis. Plus, after me telling her REPEATLY that only she can change her behavior for the better. No one can make her do it. If she choose to continue to do bad behavior she will get punished alot harder down the road. Once the social worker explained to exactly what I had been telling her all along, she started to change for the better. Now, my daughter is 12 and tells me how she remembers being a pain in the butt. She told me thankyou for sticking with her to make her realized how she was behaving was wrong. She was allowing the wrong influences to cloud her thinking and better judgement. Now, she comes to my fiance and I for advice. Sometimes, she doesn't always agree with what we say until she asks another adult, who tells her the same things we do. She starting to learn to trust what we say. So, you have to be repetitive in teaching your 9 year old how to behave. Let her talk to you, if you have to approach her with questions that will make her talk to you. Be sure to just listen with no response. She might want to vent to you and your husband but is afraid of hurting both parents. Try taking her to a counselor so she can have a neutral party to talk with. Explain to her that all parents love her but sometimes people say negative things because they are angry. Explain to her that her mom shouldn't say those kinds of things but when she does, don't make excuses. Be honest with your daughter--tell her straight up. She will learn to appreciate your honesty. If something gets a little to personal that you aren't ready to talk with her about--just tell her, you will explain it better when she's older. She needs to feel your home is a safe haven, one she can feel completely comfortable it. Her mom will always be her mother and she will never lose sight of that but you can point out that her mom's thinking is not on the right path. Explain she needs to be a kid and enjoy the best life she can have. My daughter looks at my fiance has her father instead of her biological father. She sees he is more reasonable. You and your husband have to do the same. Whatever you do, be repeatative (sp?) and follow through with things. As long as you have good communication with her, you all with get through this. Sometimes, you have to put the examples like it's her friends saying the things her mothers does. Ask her what she would think of her friends if they talked to her the way her mother does? If she tells you no than you have something to work with. Believe me, sometimes you want to beat your head up against a wall with the way the ex behaves but all you can do is try to guide your daughter in the right way. I hope this will help you all and good luck. Keep us posted. ↑ |