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Name: toughingit
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Almost 3 years ago my husbands ex cleaned out thier bank account, told him she wanted nothing to do with thier daughter ,that he could keep her, who is now 9 and took off with her mothers husband to another state. (2nd time). She was gone for about 2 years and had very little to do with my step daughter except when we call and offer to pay for the trip when my step daughter wants to see her. She calls her maybe once every 2 to 3 months. She does not pay child support for her or offer any other assistance for her or the other two children from another previous marriage who also live with thier father. We pay for all of her travel to see her when my step daughter wants to see her and try to keep her visitation as close to the divorce papers as possible. My husband recently took a better paying job in Florida for the better of the family. About 1 week before we moved she called and said she was moving back and wanted the child. She knew we were planning to move prior to that. She has only had 2 jobs in the past 11 years since my husband paid her child support the whole time they were married and is clearly looking for child support so she doensn't have to work. She would even take the child to day care during the day so she didn't have to be bothered by her. They have joint custody my husband having full custoday and she has visitation. She didn't even bother to show up in court for the divorce to discuss child custody. We have been in Florida for two months now and my step daughter is with her mother now on her 1 month summer visitation. The problem we are having is that she fills her head with trash while she is gone and even when speaking to her on the phone like : you would be so much better off with me, your family is here, and your dad took you away from me". What can we do to help my stepdaughter. She is becoming confused, has very low self esteem, is acting up in school and doesn't seem to have a sense of where she really belongs. She tries so hard to please her mother who seems to be unpleasable and selfish. She feels obligated to her mother but has basically been raised by her father and feels obligated to him too. She is only 9. HELP.
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Name: pj754 | Date: Jul 12th, 2006 6:53 PM
In the beginning of my divorce, my daughter acted up in school and at home. However, I sent up an appointment with her to meet with the social worker at school on a regular basis. Plus, after me telling her REPEATLY that only she can change her behavior for the better. No one can make her do it. If she choose to continue to do bad behavior she will get punished alot harder down the road. Once the social worker explained to exactly what I had been telling her all along, she started to change for the better. Now, my daughter is 12 and tells me how she remembers being a pain in the butt. She told me thankyou for sticking with her to make her realized how she was behaving was wrong. She was allowing the wrong influences to cloud her thinking and better judgement. Now, she comes to my fiance and I for advice. Sometimes, she doesn't always agree with what we say until she asks another adult, who tells her the same things we do. She starting to learn to trust what we say. So, you have to be repetitive in teaching your 9 year old how to behave. Let her talk to you, if you have to approach her with questions that will make her talk to you. Be sure to just listen with no response. She might want to vent to you and your husband but is afraid of hurting both parents. Try taking her to a counselor so she can have a neutral party to talk with. Explain to her that all parents love her but sometimes people say negative things because they are angry. Explain to her that her mom shouldn't say those kinds of things but when she does, don't make excuses. Be honest with your daughter--tell her straight up. She will learn to appreciate your honesty. If something gets a little to personal that you aren't ready to talk with her about--just tell her, you will explain it better when she's older. She needs to feel your home is a safe haven, one she can feel completely comfortable it. Her mom will always be her mother and she will never lose sight of that but you can point out that her mom's thinking is not on the right path. Explain she needs to be a kid and enjoy the best life she can have. My daughter looks at my fiance has her father instead of her biological father. She sees he is more reasonable. You and your husband have to do the same. Whatever you do, be repeatative (sp?) and follow through with things. As long as you have good communication with her, you all with get through this. Sometimes, you have to put the examples like it's her friends saying the things her mothers does. Ask her what she would think of her friends if they talked to her the way her mother does? If she tells you no than you have something to work with. Believe me, sometimes you want to beat your head up against a wall with the way the ex behaves but all you can do is try to guide your daughter in the right way. I hope this will help you all and good luck. Keep us posted. 

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