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Name: Bnnyny

[ Original Post ]

We have 4 children and have been in a relationship for 21 years now and I am very unhappy. No matter how much I try to accept him he cannot accept my other child which lives in different province and was raised by my parents. I know that this a very unhealthy relationship by worries do not lie with him or me but with our children. I know a divorce or split is never easy on the children but I think it is worse for them to live in family where mom and dad do not get along because the tension would be worse. The other issue I have is that I have tried to separate before and he said he would never leave me which scares me because he does have a violent temper and that is why I have always stayed. My friends tell me to leave but I am truly scared of him. So any advice beside going to woman shelter which I have done and still ended back in this situation. ↓

Name: Tamara | Date: Feb 9th, 2011 9:34 AM

Divorce is never easy for anyone, but sometimes it's the correct option to take. You kids will someday agree that their lives improved once you are safe and able to craeta a happy life for yourself. Even my four year old daughter thinks that I am a hundred times happier to be around since her father and I split up.

You have every right in the world to be happy. But, you have a DUTY to keep your children safe and it seems that at least one of them will not be if you don't separate yourself from the man has difficulty accepting him/her.

The thing is, you and your children don't have to be treated like this. I don't know you personally, but I do know that you are deserving of being loved and TREATED WITH RESPECT and kindness, and that there are many many people or potential partners out there who will treat you well. Sometimes when we've been in an abusive relationship for a long time, it's hard to realize this or to believe this. Sometimes we are afraid that we are not good enough to find someone else who will treat you well. That's just the years of abuse talking. It's not true.

Think of it this way, if you take your power back, and find the happiness you've lost over the years of abuse, your children will have at least ONE parent that is stable and available. That's worth so much more than two people that are making life crazy for them. ..

Go to a therapist who deals with battered women or find a different shelter. Report him to the cops or the authorities. If he goes to jail, that will give you a little time and space to round up your affairs and get you and your kids out. Move to a different state. Stay with some relatives until you can find a new job or research some benefits you are entitled to as a battered woman. Look at some church groups or see if you can find an elderly person that can give you room and board in exchange for taking care of them. Or find a family that needs a live in nanny that will allow your children to stay on, perhaps your older children can stay with friends until you get back on your feet.

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