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Name: VeggieMom2B
[ Original Post ]
We are mostly happly married but, when we fight and I cry or get emotional, he gets upset and say mean things to me like that his ex used to do it as well. I am very offended to hear that after being a wonderful stepmom for his doughter. I also made it clear to him when we were not in fight, that I DO NOT LIKE IT!!!
It hurts my feelings the fact that he compair us becuse I know we are very diffrent.
I wish he was more sensitive sometime, and not so cold hearted.
This is bacically it. I am sick of hearing that during our fights. Why do people have to say mean things when they fight? I am very careful of not to be this way with him, I just get very emotional sometime and I need lots of hugs and reasurenses. Insthead of giving me all that, he becomes mean and cold hearted wich makes me feel worse and depressed :-( How can I break that pattern?
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Name: VeggieMom2B | Date: Sep 6th, 2006 7:17 AM
BTW: English is not my first language and I did not have time to correct typos...sorry :-) 

Name: pj754 | Date: Sep 6th, 2006 12:57 PM
Sometimes people always hurt the ones they love the most. However, your husband shouldn't be saying mean things like he does. It's still not right. It sounds like his ex wife has hurt him deeply and you are feeling the brunt of it all. He's being very cautious to not let his emotions get the best of him again. You need to keep explaining to him that you are not his ex wife, you are your own person with different qualities. Thats why he married you, right? Tell him you love him very much but you are not going to stand for such treatment. Then, if he continues, you need to think of what's best for you in the long run. When he starts in on his mean comments, ignore him with no response in return. Tell him you are not going to listen to it because you don't have to. Tell him you will speak to him when he can learn how to be civil. You are not a little kid and he shouldn't treat you like one. When he can learn to talk like a mature adult, then you will talk with him. Otherwise, walk out of the room and not listen to him. Perhaps you already tried this but you don't have to put up with it. I hope things get better for you. Keep me posted. 

Name: VeggieMom2B | Date: Sep 6th, 2006 3:51 PM
Thanks pj754!
Yes, he always say something mean when we fight, then, afterwards he feels so bad but he says he has no control when he is he gets hungry. (he is hipoglocimic) I usually get very emotional and depressed. We did talk about the "ex thing". He is awear that I do not like hearing, and I know he uses it to hurt me when he gets fastrated with me.
If I'm not up to make him someting to eat anytime of the day, he can threw a temper tentrum, and I can not always give up to that. Right now he is the only one that goes to work, and I am a staying at home wife. I am preg. His work is near by, not sressfull at all, even if he does not have to be there he will still get paid. He will never be send back home because there is no work there at the moment. Yet, he is failing to be there on time and bring more money home. I told him he should not be so hard on me when he is not perfect about being on time. I never spend mony on myself, and now we are digging into our savings He had that job for a long time way before we have met. I moved to another state, and gave up a good job. We had a businnes together for a while but now I am at home. I do love it. besides cooking I am doing laundrey (he produce a lot!!!)all house cleaning...The only down side here is that psychologically he thinks that if he has a job and I stay home then I shuld cook all the food. I am also good at it. I cook him about 90% of the times. I always cook breakfast & lunch before he goes to work. I wrap it up beautifully, ppl at his job commint how good the food looks. When he comes home I will usually make him a smoothy and later dinner. He hates dealing with the food part so even to put something in the micro, he needs me. He can not hear if I am not up for it even though I never tell him he has to be at work on time because we are living off of our savings now. 2) He complitly believe that because I am a staying at home wife then I should not treat him bad if he asks me to cook food for him. I feel like I don not want to be treated bad if I am not up for it every now and then. I wish he would not make a big deal out of it. I do not think I am treating him badly. I cook really most of the meals even on weekends. I feel like he is being a pain in the butt. Ok, I will end this here. I neded to vent. Other wise we both loving birds. How strange. 

Name: pj754 | Date: Sep 7th, 2006 12:52 PM
to veggiemom2b---since you are pregnant, I know some days you don't feel like getting up. You need to explain to your husband that you can't always do things. Just because you are a stay at home mom does not mean he should take advantage of you. He should appreciate the things you are doing. Obviously you are very capable to working and that would be an issue if you do decide to go back to work. I wouldn't use his medical condition as an accuse to treat you badly either. You have to put your foot down otherwise you are in for a long haul down the road. You will soon have a baby to take care of and that will take up alot of your energy. Get him into shape before the baby comes. If he's depressed perhaps he should see a doctor, who can prescribe him something to help with his depression. He should be happy about his life and not treat you like a slave. He's a grown man, he should be able to fix a sandwich or run the microwave on his own. I'm sorry if I am sounding harsh but he's trying to control you and that isn't right. You too can love each other all the same, he just needs to help out a time or to. Stay at home wives/mom is hard work too and he needs to recognize that. Let's just say for one week you stopped doing everything you did, then what would he do. I'm sure he would get very angry. When he should be concerned with maybe your not feeling well. He needes to learn to be understand of your needs too. Well, sorry if I sounded blunt, I just don't want to see you hurt. I wish you well and a healthy baby. Keep me posted. 

Name: Lizzi | Date: Sep 7th, 2006 5:14 PM
Get to the root of the problem and find out whats really going on. He compares his ex to you because he is purposely tryingto hurt you and it gives him a sense of satisfaction when he knows he has successfully done the job. Do you fight often? If so you need to either get some marriage counseling or if he refuses then plan to leave him. You don't need the mental abuse,thats exactly what it is,don't put up with it. Go have a chat with his ex,you may find you have more in common than you think where your husband is concerned. That may very well be what led to their divorce in part. I mean after all there ARE 2 sides to every story,maybe you should listen to hers. Good luck! 

Name: VeggieMom2B | Date: Sep 7th, 2006 6:57 PM
Thanks for responding pj754 and Lizzi.
I agree with a lot of what both of you are saying. My husband suffers from hypoglycemia, means his moods and attitude can change due to imbalance blood sugar levels. I heard other stories from other wife’s that live with hypoglycemic husbands. They describe exact same situation. The only remedy for it that we know is to eat a lot of small high protein meals during the whole day. He can be an angel one moment and then change to a devil. He knows his evilness coming out when it happens but he says he cannot control it until he eats. We will go to counseling. He does not like to see me suffer and now even more because of the baby. It is hard to tell before happens but it is usually when he is hungry and I am not up for making food. I spend a lot of time in the kitchen trying to help him out but I am not his mom. For some reason he cannot assert himself, even if it is psychological. I want to find out with a therapist what to do at those moments because the burden of responsibility drives my depression deep down. I want to make him happy but I do not want to feel like a slave. I know how to cook well and I am happy to do it for him a lot. What I do not like it his demanding at times when I am not up for it. He thinks I am treating him badly when he asks me to make food for him anytime of the day. His mind is twisted a little bit when it comes to that mutter. My only hope is that with a therapist he will be able to learn how to control his reaction to me when I say "Not right now" or " I want to rest first before I start cooking again". It is weird but if I will get real sick he will let me go and be understanding. Sometime I fake a little just so he will live me alone :-) I know it is crazy to say it after a said all this but I do love him to death and so does he. I hope the problem will get better. 


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