I married a divorced woman with three teenagers two years ago. The boys are ages 18 and 14, the girl is 16. Our life has it's occasionally tribulations but everything works out fine. Recently, my wife has been have issues with her daughter about lying, curfew, grades, etc. and my wife addresses those issues. That is our agreement.....she wants to discipline her kids herself. However, yesterday my step-daughter didn't get home until 2AM when she was supposed to be home at midnight so my wife and step-daughter were going at it again in the morning. My wife seemed exasperated and had chores for the boys to do. My youngest step-son hadn't done his three hours after he was told. My wife wasn't around when he asked to do something, so he asked me. I asked him "Do you have your chores done?" He said "Yes". I said, "I know for a fact that they aren't done. Go get them done". Anyway he went downstairs and started yelling at my wife. It was so loud I could hear it upstairs. I started heading downstairs and could hear him calling me an a--hole again and again and yelling at his mom non-stop. I came around the corner and told him to stop talking to his mom that way or he may have to go live with his dad (my wife has the kids for two weeks then her ex has them for two weeks) He said, "Fine, I don't want to live here with an a--hole like you!!". My voiced raised, I said, "You don't talk to me or your mother like that. You have luxury items here at this house that you are going to have if you continue to talk like that" He continued with the swearing. I went into his room and started unplugging his TV and computer and told him his dad would not tolerate him talking like that, his teachers would not tolerate him talking like that and I wasn't going to tolerate it. I told him to get packed, he was going back to his father's house. He called me an a--hole again. I said I was also going to tell his father how he talks to me and his mother. During all this the other two kids had come into the room and my wife was witnessing the whole thing. My wife then gathered up all of the kids put them in her vehicle and left. I begged her not to leave.
If I had it to do all over again I would have done things differently. Something inside me snapped. I couldn't imagine me talking to my parents like that and I wasn't going to take it from him. I also had some disgust that my wife did nothing except leave me.
I called her an hour later. She says they had voted and the vote was that she was going to divorce me. WHAT????!!!. I begged her to talk about this. She told me she was in an impossible situation and she chooses her kids. I can't believe it. It's disappointing. I have let her do all discipline since we got married and the one time I speak we're getting divorced. I don't know what to do......I would love to turn back the hands of time. Advice....... ↓
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| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 22nd, 2006 8:22 PM |
| In this type of situation,I think your wife knew she had a choice to make because she probably knew there would be no way in hell you would continue to allow her son talking to her or you that way and she also knew she wasn't about to start letting you discipline her children either.So she did the only thing she thought she could do and that is choose her children over you.Relationships can get very tricky in these kinds of situations.Although I think your wifes solution is a bit extreme because it's not like you went in and started beating on her son or anything,you were doing exactly what you should have done. Maybe your wife has been thinking of divorcing secretly for other reasons and this was just an easy way out for her. ↑ |
| Name: emilymccoy | Date: Oct 22nd, 2006 8:46 PM |
| Personally, I understand her wanting to be the "primary disciplinarian," but that shouldn't mean that you never get to put your two cents in, especially when the situation effects you directly. Even if she was upset about what you said to her son, she had a responsibility to stand behind you and show her children that you are their elder and they need to respect you. If she didn't like what you did or said, then that should have been a discussion saved for just you and her, out of the earshot of the kids. Honestly, I think what your wife did shows exactly what Lizzi suggested-- I think she had a secret intent and desire to leave you anyway, and she saw this as the perfect opportunity. There has to be more going on than her just leaving you over yelling at her son one time, and if there's not, then your wife seems a little unstable anyway, and perhaps she's not a person you should trust with your future if she's going to fall apart so easily. ↑ |
| Name: drock | Date: Oct 23rd, 2006 3:56 PM |
My wife came home the next morning and didn't talk to me. I tried and then I thought "whatever". By midafternoon I decided to go to our vacation home (my old house) at the lake and let things settle down some more. She called and asked if I was going to stay there that night (last night). I said yes. At 10PM she called and said she loved me and I said we'll talk about all this tomorrow.......
This morning I swung by our main house on my way to work and there are boxes everywhere and it appears the kids were there packing their stuff too. I called my wife at work and asked her if she is leaving and she has no choice.
I called our marriage counselor and she just told me to let her go. There is so much confusion on her part that our counselor believes we need counseling once a week for 6 months. I agree. We have had plenty of issues over the last 2 years (her ex, her credit cards, the kids, pregnancies that didn't go to term---I suspect her of having two abortions---because all she talked about was how a baby was going to affect HER kids)
I think a separation and possibly a divorce might be a relief. I have no voice in my own house and I'm tired. ↑ |
| Name: winnmom | Date: Oct 23rd, 2006 4:40 PM |
We are a "blended" family. We had many problems until we seen a counsellor. We were told to stop taking our childrens sides, and to put Our relationship first. Once we started to do that everything slowly started falling into place. We were the couple, and our kids are the children, both of us discipline our children because once we are married they are "our" in your case your children.
You stood up for your wife, you are not in the wrong. With what your wife did she gave the children the upper hand, and they will keep taking and playing the upper hand until you and your wife decide that you 2 are in charge not the children.
No matter how hard it is let your wife go. If she really wants your marriage to work she will be back. If you give in you will contunue to have no voice or opinion in your home and that is a hard way to live. You are in a marriage, her children become your children and you 2 are in charge not the children.
Good luck and keep us posted. ↑ |
| Name: drock | Date: Oct 23rd, 2006 5:28 PM |
| Thanks winnmom!! I'm looking for any input. We've worked too hard to let all of this go because of this incident. I spend today doubting myself. The funny thing is I work with kids all day long. I'm a pedodontist. And I would never yell at anyone else's kids but I do know the "art" of voice control, eye contact, being clear, trust, etc..... I know my expertise in my job doesn't mean that I would automatically have it at home. I'm at a loss..........and brokenhearted. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 23rd, 2006 6:14 PM |
| Maybe a breather would be good for both of you at least for a little while. Try a 3 month separation but while you are separated attend marriage counseling,if the both of you will go.At the end of the 3 months see how each of you feels then and which direction you want the marriage to go. You will either still love each other very much and have missed being in the same house together,or you will have grown further apart and desire your new independence. ↑ |
| Name: jillw | Date: Oct 23rd, 2006 6:33 PM |
| drock you were in the right - telling hime he had to go stay with his dad. You should ahve talked to your wife about that first. The problem is that she is allowing her children to speak to her that way and has bee becasue kids don't jsut start cursing at their parents one day out of the blue. I think that you her and her ex all need to sit down and talk about what is expected of the children and all 3 enforce it so that they can't play one side aganist the other. You wife has to put you forst and demand that her children respect you and her no questions ask. I she wants to be the one to set the punishment then that is find, but she should talk to you about it too on major things. It is very clear that she is not effective in this area because her children are out of control and walking all over her. I hope this works for you, but you have every right to not allow you or your wife to be disrespected in your own home by anyone. Good luck ↑ |
| Name: Francine | Date: Oct 23rd, 2006 6:52 PM |
| Funny how you end up being the bad guy when the wife didn't have control over the kids.....let her cool off and spend "quality" time with her kids alone....she will realize that she has no control. Or send her the books "boundaries with kids" and "boundaries in marriage". Taking a vote with kids over your relationship - any counselor will tell you that's messed up. ↑ |
| Name: drock | Date: Oct 23rd, 2006 7:13 PM |
Thanks ladies. Went home for lunch. She was home from work. She had put her stuff back in the closet and the dresser and we had a long talk. I apologized to her. I said I would apologize to her son. But I was going to have to have a sincere apology from him, he will have to earn my respect back, and there will be a significant punishment regardless of the apology. She said he may not apologize because he is stubborn. I said, "Fine. Then he has to go live with his dad and you have to back me."
My wife also told me that his father is very upset with his son and that is why she is in such a limbo because she feels like she needs to find a place for her and the kids to live. I told her that it sounds like his father and I are on the same page and allowing him to control our lives cannot happen. We have to stick together. She is coming around. She might need to see our counselor or an independent counselor to get some advice. What does anyone think? ↑ |
| Name: tweetybird4 | Date: Oct 23rd, 2006 7:29 PM |
| Wow!! I'm afraid your wife does have issues. When you both got married, you became one. One, who stand unitied on every decision you make. That includes children. It is your home, too, and you should be allowed to have a say in it. I, too, was divorced with 3 children and when I re-married, I explained to my new husband that I want him a part of my children's lives. If I felt he was coming down too hard on one of them, I would pull him aside and talk with him privately about the situation. Then, we would come to a mutual understanding of what we both want to teach the children and work from there. So, far it's been working out great. Although, in the beginning of our dating, I would do most of the diciplining and he would sit back and watch. But, he would give me incite as an outsider looking in to help me to pass down my judgements. Now, that were married, I've explained to the children that he is the provider of the home and therefore, his rules apply just as mine does. Oh, sure, there are times that my oldest son will call him names to his dad about him but he usually doesn't say anything to his face. So, I agree with you totally. What you did was not wrong at all. The boy needed to understand that he shouldn't disrespect you or his mother. I just can't believe that your wife is willing to throw your whole relationship away because you voiced your opinion. Then, taking votes about your relationship and letting the kids get their way? Gees, there's no doubt the children control her unstead of her controlling her children. When the daughter or one of the boys brings home a date their mom doesn't like, is their mom going to throw a temper tantrum and make them go away? I would give her some time to cool down but I don't think I would be calling her to apologize. I would wait for her to do it and if she doesn't then you know her thinking is way out of line. You were not in the wrong at all. Perhaps she acted like this when she was younger and has taught her children to act like this, too. As much as this hurts you, don't give in to her. If you do, she will probably do the same thing again and again to you and it will drive you crazy. Wait for her and if she doesn't come around, I'm sorry but she shouldn't expect you to take that kind of behavior. I don't know if my advice has helped but goodluck and keep us posted. ↑ |
| Name: drock | Date: Oct 23rd, 2006 7:58 PM |
| Tweetybird you are right. She told me that she used to swear at her mother. And her ex husband used to swear at her in front of the kids. As I've stated before I disrespected my mother once and called her a name. She said, "Fine" and proceeded to inform my dad when he got home from work. I never did it again. ↑ |
| Name: jillw | Date: Oct 23rd, 2006 8:24 PM |
| drock- I think that your wife may be still feeling some guilt over her divorce from her ex. My mother went through this for a while and thought that if she was our friend then things would work out. She felt "bad" if she had to punish me or my brother. She has to come to understand that she is helping her children to become respectful accomplished adults and citizens she is not being mean. I am not sure if you and her ex are on good terms, but maybe you could talk to him about the behavior issues. You do no sound like the man who just nit picks the children because they are no yours it sounds like you honestly care about your wife and the children and want what is best for them. Hopefully you wife and her ex can see this in you too and see that you are not making anyone "choose" but that you are trying to help raise their children proplerly because you love them. I am a step mom so I understand a little, but my step son is much much younger. His father and I got together when he was 4 he is now 8. Both my husband and his ex were and still are well awart that I have house rules and any minor in my house will follow them including their child. I have very high expectations, but I am very loving and fair. We had a bit of problem in the beginning, because my step son was rude to people that he did not know and treated them poorly. I told his parents about this and they had "never noticed" it before. At first my husband thought that I was trying to change his personality. I explained that it is ok to be shy, but he was being rude and that is not ok. after I pointed it out they both saw it and the behavior changed almost instantly. I think that it was over looked because was only with his dad on weekends and his mom has 3 older children to be busy with. ↑ |
| Name: tweetybird4 | Date: Oct 24th, 2006 2:00 PM |
| To drock---It's ashame that she has condoned that kind of language/behavior but she should have more respect for you. I'm sure you've told her about how you were raised. She could have tried to meet you in the middle on that regard. How ever she chose to take it to the extreme? How have things been? Have you spoken to her lately? Is there any progress? Perhaps when you do speak with her and tell you that you can't allow that kind of language because you were not brought up that way. Yet, you always stand back and let her dicipline the children on everything else. Tell her much you love her but would appreciate if she would meet you in the middle. I'm sorry your going through this. Sometimes we do rational things and don't realize how silly they were until a few days later. I hope she does come around and admit to you that she was wrong. Yes, it's a definite point to argue over but just maybe she'll realize it. I wish you well, hope your doing ok and keep us posted. ↑ |
| Name: drock | Date: Oct 24th, 2006 2:48 PM |
tweetybird---Doing better today. I think she is coming around. We're supposed to drive 600 miles tomorrow (round trip) to go to a back doctor for my wife. She'll probably have to have back surgery. I really don't want to get in the car and start arguing.
I did talk to my step daughter yesterday and explained my position on curfew, etc. She seems like she is good. Still haven't talk to the step sons yet. They were still at football practice. I'm still pretty emotional about all this because I don't know if talking to him is the thing I want to do until I know my wife is going to back me and the discipline that will have to be handed down.
I think my wife would like all of this to just go away. But that is what has been happening. Break the rules---sweep it under the rug; ignore the rules---no enforcement of any reprimand. I can't ignore it anymore. And I don't think I can stay quiet anymore. I told my wife that this is an opportunity to redefine all of these relationships and get moving forward. That will require that she will have to share these parenting responsibilities with me because they are walking all over her. That is what our counselor has told us repeatedly. My wife has always denied that it is happening. ↑ |
| Name: drock | Date: Oct 24th, 2006 9:17 PM |
| Talking to my wife again..... She says that she talked to her son last night and he said he would apologize but if I was living in the house he wouldn't stay there. I said fine. His father has a perfectly good home to live in. My wife says she is so torn. I asked, "So if I apologize for raising my voice and explain to him why it is wrong to swear at an adult and dish out his punishment, if he says he's not going to live here-----what are you going to do?" My wife said, "I don't know" I said, "I think that is all I need to hear" So I guess I'm living at my old house because I still can't count on her to back me. Disappointing. My 14 yr old stepson is controlling this situation. ↑ |
| Name: Texas_Mom | Date: Oct 25th, 2006 2:36 AM |
Drock,
I can totally sympathize with the awkwardness of your situation. My boyfriend will not tolerate my daughter talking to him or me with disrespect and venom. I made it very clear that I will NEVER allow a bratty 14 year old girl to control and manipulate the entire household. We have a solid partnership in our household. We back one another 100%. We discuss everything in great detail and maybe you shouldn't have went off in anger, however, mom should have took immediate control of the situation and reprimanded the son for using such language against you or anyone. If she doesn't allow the kids to talk to total strangers like that, why on earth would she allow her own flesh and blood to treat someone she loves like that? Communication is the key. I would never allow my boyfriend to discipline my children, however, if they blatantly lied to him, I would expect him to expose the lie and ask them to stay in their room until I got home. The kids already know that they can triangle you and it will forever be a thorn in your relationship unless you and mom really sit down with the kids and explain to them the way things are going to be. If the kids don't like it, fine, let them choose to go live somewhere that will make them happy. My daughter recently moved to her dad's house because she was sick and tired of my "controlling" boyfriend and me. Well, the only thing he controls is his household and will not put up with her lies, manipulation, deceit, disrespect, and her nasty disposition. I wish there was a magic formula to cure all these problems that we have with mixed families, however, I believe a huge advantage adults have is that we can communicate and negotiate. Maybe talk to mom about being a united front so the kids will never be able to triangle you again. They got away with it so far and they'll keep making mom feel guilty for choosing you. Mixed families can be a blessing or a curse. It all depends on how you perceive it. Good luck to you. ↑ |
| Name: tweetybird4 | Date: Oct 26th, 2006 3:08 PM |
| Drock---Glad to hear things are better!!! However, your wife is avoiding the issues. It sounds like she is trying to decide between you and her children. Since, she is unwilling to listen to the counselor or you, then what is holding her back? Is she afraid her children won't love her anymore? You mention she may have to have surgery. Just for sake of discussion, if something serious went wrong with the surgery, please, God forbid it, but what will happen to the children? Has she ever discussed that with you? Do you know what the biological father is like? Would or does he put up with that kind of behavior? For the son willing to move in with him makes me think, he doesn't give a hoot or let the children do whatever they want. Especially, if he's talked negatively to your wife and them. Maybe you could explain to her that things didn't work out with her and her ex and she, now has an opportunity to make things better, to be united on a family front. Explain to her that you realize about all the troubles she's had before and with you helping her to correct things for the better, you all can live a much happier life. The kind of life, I'm sure she's always wanted in the first place. Giving is an easy way out, therefore, she needs to fight for what is right. Tell her she's not alone, she married you to compliment each other. Explain to her, you are only looking out for the best interest of everyone. She's allowed her children to treat her in such a way, that you said she's in denial. She's giving in to not have to handle things at hand. She's probably at a loss on just how to handle it. She's afraid of losing them. Reassure her she has a support system now, something she probably never had. Granted, it's her decision if she decides to let the son go to his dads and that's why she is baulking at the things you are trying to enforce. She's trying to be her children's best-friend and doesn't want to create waves in putting her foot down. She needs to realize that children do need dicipline and there is nothing wrong in providing it. If she gives into them now, it will only become worse in their adult lives. Honestly, her children are old enough to know better. I'm sure they all enjoy the finer things of life that you provide for them but they feel your not allowed to dicipline? No, that's inappropriate thinking. They should have respect for you and their mom. It's sad that your wife doesn't see this. What where her goals when she first met you? Did she think that family life was going to be easy? You can tell her she did a wonderful job in raising the children but having you to help her can make things better. I do hope she will realize all of this. Talking is a good thing. Keep me posted. ↑ |
| Name: drock | Date: Oct 26th, 2006 9:26 PM |
Tweetybird--my wife and I went to the neck doctor yesterday. Thankfully she doesn't need surgery. However the 300 mile ride home was interesting. She told me I couldn't move back in the house becuase she thinks everybody should be around each other in small increments. I disagreed. It sounded like the boy was once again controlling the situation and then I found out some other lies that he was telling his mom. I said I may not move back in because I'm terrified about being alone with the kids. I don't know what they are going to make up!!
She told me that she sat all three kids down the night before and told the youngest that has been acting "tyrannical" lately. Example, yelling at his sister, dogs, brother, talking bad about all his teachers, coaches, etc. I guess the oldest told the youngest during this sitdown that he was in the wrong for yelling at their mom and all I did was protect their mom from him. Then the oldest told him that if he didn't change his behavior he was going to mouth off to the wrong person his own age and get beat up. I thought all of this was interesting.
My wife called me last night and told me she had a talk my stepson and told him that she married me and all I did was defend her and that if he ever talks to her or me like that again he was going to have to live at his fathers. She told me then, "You should have seen his face." She then said he replied, "I want to stay. I don't want to live with dad". I said, "Sounds good. Looks like we have made the first step. You backed my position and set new boundaries for him. And called his bluff about moving out if I moved back in" I told her I loved her and I appreciate how hard that was for her, but the kids need boundaries especially when they are teenagers.
We'll see where we are at tomorrow.... ↑ |
| Name: Layne | Date: Oct 27th, 2006 2:16 AM |
drock oh my goodness i am so sorry to hear this. but your wife isnt even doing those kids any favors by not holding them accountable for there behavior. children need disapline period!
my husband didnt disapline my son either but he certainly minded him. But if he needed a swat on the but I did it.and he never was aload to speak poorly to my husband. NO WAY! You cannot live like this you will have a heart attack Goodness. I hope you are getting the help you need to make this life choice. ↑ |
| Name: tweetybird4 | Date: Oct 28th, 2006 2:02 AM |
| Drock---I'm glad to hear your wife doesn't need surgery!! That's a relief. I, too, disagree about you not moving back in. You can't stand as a united front if your living apart. She's not facing the situation head on. Your wife does love you but she's afraid to admit to the problems at hand. At least, you have her oldest son on your side, who realizes how rude his brother is being. Honestly, he is right, the youngest son will cross the wrong person and will get his clocked cleaned. Then, your wife will feel horrible because she could of prevented it from happening. It sounds like the youngest son has issues going on more than what your wife knows or is afraid to admit. Especially, if he's lashing out at everyone and everything. Something is going on that he isn't talking about to you all. He's seems angry, perhaps his parents divorcing, perhaps his father not being the responsible father like he should be. Unfortunately, you are getting the brunt of it all. Maybe your wife sees that there is something wrong but just doesn't know how to handle it? Hang in there and stand your ground. If nothing else, suggest getting the youngest son into counseling. Although, it doesn't seem like it would help if your wife isn't willing to accept what a counselor says. Giving your wife the credit and praise about talking with the children was a smart choice to make. If you continue to let your wife know she is/has done a great job in raising the children but the both of you can help to make things better. Keep emphasizing this to her. She's probably been told numerous times that she's not a very good person and a failure, who won't amount to anything with her life. Hearing that constantly, she sometimes believes it. She just needs to hear the reassurance from you that she's a good mother, a good person. She sounds like she's afraid to trust in you because of what's happened to her in the past. All I can tell you is keep telling her how much you love her and that your not out to hurt her or her children. Hopefully, she will see just how much she means to you and not be so willing to push you away. I hope today has been a good day. Hang in there. Keep me posted. ↑ |
| Name: momof3 | Date: Oct 29th, 2006 3:55 PM |
| Drock, I hope things are going well. I am a stepmom of a 6 year old. Yes he is young and I have been in his life since he was 10 months old, but he has issues with me. He has his moments where he is hugging and lovey, and other moments where he will ignore me to no end. My husband admits it is a very hard posistion to be in but he always backs me up. This is how I see it you one of those kids parents. He needs to listen to you as well. It is your house to and you need to be respected. Would it help if the two of you, your stepson and you went to conseling(sp) maybe the problem would come out. If he is having mood swings real bad could there be another issue? He plays football right? My cousin went through a period like that, he was an athelete, and it turned out he was on steriods, Not trying to scare you, but it may be something. Good Luck I hope all is well and works out. ↑ |
| Name: tweetybird4 | Date: Nov 5th, 2006 1:50 PM |
| Hi Drock---How have things been with you? Have they been better or worse?? Just wondering how you are doing?? Please respond if you can. ↑ |
| Name: billy22 | Date: Nov 8th, 2006 2:15 AM |
| As a mother of 2 kids from a previous marriage and remarried to a wonderful husbadn/step father....I may have a little advice. I too choose my children first over a lot of things because that is what I have always done, but never do I support them disrespecting my husband in anyway shape or form! He also does not allow them to disrespect me. We also do not allow them to disrespect their Dad or step-mother to us. This doesn't always go both ways with them, but I do have peace of mind knowing that some day they will repsect us more for it. It's unfortunate that your wife made such an abrupt decision, but it sounds like maybe that had been the plan for a while. I can't imagine my husband up and leaving to only turn around and call me a few hours later to tell me he wanted a divorce. He has had to leave for a cooloing off period before, but then came home so we could calmily discuss what we were to do next. I am sorry of your misfortune and I hope that she will see the light. You did the right thing by trying to enforce the rules that your wife had enforced to begin with. ↑ |
| Name: drock393 | Date: Jan 7th, 2007 4:06 PM |
Tweetybird4
Been OK. I think my wife and I are getting a divorce. She says she is moving out next week. There are too many problems anymore. I do believe she is a pathological liar and my homelife is now me by myself and her with the kids. I'm alone. I might as well be alone. ↑ |
| Name: tweetybird4 | Date: Jan 7th, 2007 4:31 PM |
| Oh, drock---I'm so sorry to hear this. I guess she hasn't been willing to work things out with you. It's a shame because she is losing something that was so beneficial to her and the children. Why on earth would should want to give you up? All because you were trying to help her with the children. Helping each other is what marriage is all about. I'm sorry she doesn't understand this. ↑ |
| Name: f17rc010 | Date: Jan 15th, 2007 6:44 PM |
| This is very sad. She is not doing her son any favors, he is going to have a real hard time functioning in the adult world. If he is 14 then she is looking at 3-4 years and she will then be alone. Thats what I always try and remember when my Husband and I are fighting over something the kids said or did. Him and I will be together long after they have gone and started their own families. I think you are the right road as painful as it seems. You know what, sounds like the way she is raising these kids, they probably won't be going in a couple of years because they will be unable to function on their own. Count your blessings now. Good luck to you. ↑ |
| Name: Burn4Me, | Date: Jan 15th, 2007 9:49 PM |
On one hand i think you did the riht thing standing up for yourself, disaplinning him and well trying to teach him manners, sorry it blew up in your face..
BUT on the other side of the argument i would hate my mums Boyfriend disspalinign me and id swear at him too, and i would choose my kids aswell.
I do think your wife was a bit rash and well headstrong, at the moment give her and her son time to cool down, and its no good wishing cause it wont work, beleive me ive wished my brain silly. ↑ |
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