I have been divorced for 3 + years now. I have a 11 year old daughter and a 15 year old son. I pay my child support religously and I've tried tremendously to be part of their lives. Seems the only time I hear from them is birthdays' and Xmas. My ex wanted me back twice and I've said no way both times. I was the one who raised my children.... cooked, cleaned, coached, homework, etc.. and I feel like I've been used. I'm tired of trying to do nice things for my children and them forgeting about me. Incidently, they never remember anyone on my side of the family. Her parents were the outspoken ones during the divorce and my parents minded their own business. Also, she was the cheating one and remarried 2 months after our divorce. I had thought that my children might have been turned against me, but they do have minds of their own. Father's day I didn't even get a phone call. I've had it. I will never buy another thing for them, nor will I remember birthdays or holidays. I'm going to move a few states away and start a fresh life with my fiance. Thanks for letting me rant and rave. I needed it. It did help, however, I still feel very cold toward my children.
Well, I spoke with my daughter last night. She informed me that she had bought her step dad a pair of shoes for father's day. What did I get? Zilch. I had sent her 5 SAES's to use from time to time and she lost them. I offered my son a pickup truck but he's not allowed to keep it because it was mine. I'm so tired of all this BS. I love my children very much, but I don't know how much more I can take. They always forget about my side of the family, but not her's. I try to call and get nothing but and answering machine. I leave messages, but they are never returned. I think I'll have to go on without my children, but it's very hard. It's something I'll have to face. Thanks for listening and letting me vent. ↓
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| Name: pj754 | Date: Jul 12th, 2006 7:12 PM |
| You sound like a great dad so don't give up on your children. Do you get any visitation time with them at all? It sounds like the ex is trying her very hard to keep you out of their lives. She sounds like she is controling everything they do or say. You know what, despite what she thinks and does, you need to keep communicating with your children. You are allowed reasonable phone calls with your children. You are allowed to keep a relationship going. If this ex is stopping these things, you need to keep a calendar journal and write all these details down. It may come to a point that you have to take her back to court to prove you are willing to be an important parent in your children's lives and you have the right to exercise your rights as their father. Granted, she probably doesn't allow them any money for them to buy you presents. Especially, if the son is not allowed to have a pickup truck from you. You can keep the truck with you when he comes for visits for him to drive. I would keep calling almost everyday if you have too. It's not your children's fault, it's your ex's. Their phone conversations with you are probably being monitored by your ex, so they have to be careful what to say to you. Yet, how are they when they do visit you? I bet they remember all of the good times you have. There may come a day when they are one their to seek you out. My own mother kept me from my biological father for 20 years. It wasn't until I was 25 that I did some serious research and got a hold of him. When my mother found out, she was furious. Yet, I told her I had the right too. So, there was nothing she could do about it. She may have succeeded in all those years but now my father and I have a relationship. This maybe the same case with you. Don't ever give up. I was a little upset that my dad didn't try harder like I thought he should have. But, I don't resent him for it. Things happen. I can look towards to future with him. Send your children notes/cards throughout the year other than holidays and birthdays. Who knows, they may intercept the mail one day and get one. This way they will know you are there. I wouldn't take the way the treat you personally, they could be struggling in dealing with the own mother. Hang in and try to keep communicating. In the long, things should turn around. Good luck and keep us posted. ↑ |
| Name: Dear SAD DAD | Date: Jul 13th, 2006 1:21 AM |
| You are NOT alone guy! My brothers ex treats him the same way. They have a 16 year old daughter and everything you have said in your story pretty much sums up our story too. My brother loves his daughter but has pretty much cut himself out of his daughters life because her mother made things so difficult for him to see her. Our family rarely hears from the girl unless its b-day,x-mas,or time for school clothes. It's really sad but her mom engineered all this to have things HER way. All we can do is hope that somehow someway someday she will get hers. My brother has told his daughter she is welcome to come over and call anytime she wants but it rarely happens. I just hope that when the girl turns 18 she will no longer ASK her mom to see us but rather TELL her she IS going to see us. But if she doesn't once she's 18 it will no longer be her moms fault but her own. it's sad that there are women out there that have to use their child as a pawn just because they want their evens on their ex's.No one gets hurt more than the child but some women hate their ex's more than they love their kids. That's sad but absolutely true. ↑ |
| Name: Layne | Date: Jul 13th, 2006 3:38 AM |
Im so sorry to hear this. I never did that to my child he is 24 now. when he was youg I used to call his father because at times he wouldn't call for months. It just pissed me off. i though hey this kid needs his father. and yes i remarried 5 years later and to a wonderful man. He loved Brandon and alaways treated him as his own.
I do want to tell you if these kids are in theteen age years that could be the trouble. They are just so selfish at that time. They will come around. I would send a card and small gift of money for christmas and birthdays then write and say your door is always open and you love them. Then you wont have any regrets. I am so sorry for you situation and I hope i helped you. hang in there. ↑ |
| Name: SAD DAD | Date: Jul 13th, 2006 4:21 PM |
| Thanks to everyone for your support. I'm kinda in turmoil right now, but I'll figure it all out. Thanks again. ↑ |
| Name: Layne | Date: Jul 14th, 2006 2:05 AM |
| That is what we are here for and we come here to vent as well. you hang in there sad Dad. your goodness will be known. The kids will see the truth. I promise ↑ |
| Name: Layne | Date: Jul 20th, 2006 7:56 PM |
| Sad dad How are you I have been thinking of you. ↑ |
| Name: SAD Dad | Date: Jul 24th, 2006 12:19 PM |
| I'm OK. Just kinda sad and mad rolled into one. I'm searching myself for a direction. Thanks for the thought. ↑ |
| Name: SAD DAD | Date: Jul 24th, 2006 12:40 PM |
| I'm tried to call my kids all last week, left messages but never received a call back. I'm slowly building a wall. It's a shame. I never thought my children would ever treat me this way. It's hard to swallow the fact that their mother caused the divorce and I get the short end of the stick. Thanks again for asking. ↑ |
| Name: SAD DAD | Date: Jul 26th, 2006 5:25 PM |
| Well, I've tried to contact my children everyday for the past 10 days. I don't understand it all. I've been nothing but nice in everything throught out this whole ordeal. I'm really building an extensive wall around my heart. Do most ex-wives' treat their ex-husbands with so much animosity. Like I said before, she's wanted me back for 2 years now and went as far as leaving her present husband in hopes that I would take her back. I've always told her I could no longer trust her and I have been nothing but nice. Do most ex-wives' turn their children against their fathers'? Was wondering.... ↑ |
| Name: Layne | Date: Jul 26th, 2006 7:04 PM |
Some do Im sure. But I am so sorry to hear this. I have been thinking of you. I wish they would wake up. I bet your x is mad because you are rejecting her. But putting the children in the middle is not good. Most kids will see through this.
When you call do you leave messages? anddoes your x have caller ID? because its a good possibility that they are not getting your messages. ↑ |
| Name: Layne | Date: Jul 26th, 2006 7:07 PM |
| I also understand the wall you are building up. This is how we protect ourselves from pain. i had a pretty good one up in my lifetime. My first husband did a real number on me. But time does heal all wombs. The thing is it does take time.That isnt easy either. ↑ |
| Name: SAD DAD | Date: Jul 26th, 2006 7:34 PM |
| I always leave a message. Yes she does have caller ID. I know that her and her husband shut the phone off during the day due to creditors calling. ↑ |
| Name: Layne | Date: Jul 26th, 2006 7:51 PM |
| she could be erasing the messages is why i asked. So this probibly has nothing to do with the kids feelings towards you. I bet they dont even know you've called. Do you live in the same town or close by. I would stop by. If someone has something to say about that. Tell then this was the last resort after no one returning your calls. ↑ |
| Name: Layne | Date: Jul 26th, 2006 7:54 PM |
| You could take one of your family members with you. Like your folks. this way she'll most likely be on good behavior. ↑ |
| Name: pj to Sad Dad | Date: Jul 28th, 2006 9:33 PM |
| Not all ex wives are like yours. I be very reasonable and tried to be as understanding as I can be. Granted, we have our disagreements and anything I try to do means nothing in his eyes. Usually, when I tell him about the kids schedules it goes in one ear and out the other. He ends up calling back several times to understand all the specifics. Now, he has my 13 year old son living with him. When he left on mothers day weekend, he hasn't bothered to come for a visit or called me. I've called to speak to him but he seems very distant and cold. This morning I talked with him on the phone and this was the first time, he didnt' tell me he loved me. I'm like you and tried several times. When I had my vacation will the children scheduled in advance, my ex wouldn't let our son stay. When I asked my son why he didn't want to stay, he replied that he felt uncomfortable. When I asked about what, I couldn't get a straight answer. Yet, while spending my vacation time with the other two children has been great, I still miss my son. However, their father hasn't bothered to call and speak to the other two children. My daughter is hurt by it but she doesn't really care. She knows that she's in a happy home. She doesn't care for her dad too much because of his abuse towards me. Yet, my oldest son thinks that kind of behavior is ok and he pushes his younger brother and sister around. His father tells him that's how children play. Your ex is taking things out on you because you won't take her back. Unfortunately, she is using the children. Keep an open mind in regards to them. Obviously, she is the master mind to the whole thing. They might not be hearing about your phone calls or see your letters. Your ex might be opening your birthday/christmas cards and keeping the gifts without them knowing. One day, they will come to you for straight answers. Hopefully, it will be sooner than you think. If your ex is having money problems, she is keeping all the money and not telling them anything about it. Do you get vacation time with your children? If so, that's when I would present them with gifts or presents. You have to find out what's going on. I agree with Layne about taking someone with you to see your children. Things might be different than what you think. I hope this helps and I know it's hard to deal with. ↑ |
| Name: moshecathy | Date: Jul 28th, 2006 10:49 PM |
Your wife might have turned your kids against you. Since they live with her they probably saw all the tears (even if it's not your fault) and all the anger and they probably heard so much bad stuff about you. Love your kids unconditonally. Wether you get anything in return or not call them and remember them as much as you can. Even if its just messages, it's important for your kids to always remember .. dad tried to be there for us. It makes so much sense for you to move on with your life but the little relationship you have with them will be cut off too. Dont do it to your kids even if it doesnt seem to pay off. You're a good father. Its all that matters.
P.S.
Have u tried talking to your kids about it?
Ask them why they act that way towards you ... ↑ |
| Name: SAD DAD | Date: Jul 31st, 2006 12:33 PM |
| Well, I've tried to contact my kids 6 times over the weekend. Left messages to no avail. Spoke with the stepdad and he said they were out and about and that he would give them the message. I'm gonna resort to writing letters. Maybe one will sneak through. Hopefully god will assist me. Thanks to everyone for your concern. ↑ |
| Name: M | Date: Jul 31st, 2006 1:15 PM |
I am sorry to hear about your story but it makes me furious that everyone would respond that your ex is the one keeping the kids from seeing you or keeping in touch with you. I have the opposite problem. My daughter doesn't want to see her Dad and she is eleven years old. It's the same story in court that I am the one destroying their relationship when I did nothing but try to encourage it. It is always blamed on us when in fact none of it is true. It seem to me that you are a great dad and you were involved in their lives. My ex didn't see my daughter for three years and expected her to be with open arms at five. If you are a great dad and you are getting the cold shoulder then know that you did try everything possible to keep your relationship with your children. I am sure they do think about you and do love you. Think about their ages, I am sure just get so caught up with friends and the family that they are in that they don't think about their relationship with you unless you call them.
Maybe you should sit them down before you leave town and talk to them about it. Have you tried counseling with them? I wouldn't give up unless that's what the children really wanted and it doesn't seem that way. They do have minds of their own so, try to remember that. It might not be your ex doing anything. Talk to your kids, acknowledge how they feel. Don't assume it. That is all my daughter wants from her dad is acknowledgement but he ignores her feeling and doesn't talk about anything with my daughter which makes her even more upset! Hang in there and I hope you take what I said at heart. ↑ |
| Name: liven4luvin | Date: Dec 14th, 2006 8:10 PM |
| I' had a wonderful relationship with my daughter when I divorced my first wife. She was seven years old when I had to leave. From that point on every weekend I saw my daughter. I had found someone I wanted to be with afterwards. She had a 2 year old son who had no father to be with. He didn't want a child and never saw him after he was born. We got together and had many good times even though my ex didn't like it. In the end she knew she had to accept thing's.Then my ex-wife finally found someone. Thereafter the ex started to make thing's difficult by first moving to Lake Elsinore. Miles from me. Then she moved to San Diego. Then to San Bernardino. It was all happening every 2 years and they excused it by saying they had to sell their house to by a bigger one. I had told her it was not fair to my daughter and I because I had only a weekend and by the time I reached her and got home, I would have to driver her back with no time for having fun on our visit. Sure we called each other a lot and I tried not to be difficult. But there we're times I couldn't afford the gas and had to go without seeing her. In front of my daughter she would say she could drop her off once in a while because she came out this way to see her family. The first time I asked-she said no! I knew it was a game she loved to play called manipulation and lying. Then the final blow came when she asked me to sign some papers so she could move out of state and it was in my daughters best interest! I was sad and mad and by then my daughter kept thinking I didn't want to see her anyways and I told her consistantly that it seemed unfair that all this was taking place. Between working, my new family financials including child support, I was still paying, it left me with hardly any extra funds. Now I was faced with this excuse of " it was in her best interest." Then when I saw her for the last time she was 17 years old, she seemed okay and she said we would work something out. We talked and hugged and her mother came to get her, I cried that night on the way home and saw my ex with the papers the next day. I defied signing and she threatened to get me for back child support. Little did I realize at the time when I gave her what I could afford to which left me $20.00 for two weeks till my next check I was within the limit of what I could pay. Then my job kicked in and started paying me well and I started paying that sum as requested. If I had checked I would have found out that I didn't have any back support because it was done by a percentage of what you make. She said the rate was $300.00 a month and I was shorting her and that was for one year. I told her she made me take all the bills and even a stupid one from the IRS because she never mailed our tax papers and they made me pay $300.00 for back taxes and my ex never told me she forgot to mail our tax return because I trusted her. All she had to pay was the rent and her car at that tiem and I was left taking everything else. I didn't want to get in trouble and was doing the best I could with my new obligations so another bill would have been too much and would cause me to default on bills I already had and wanted to keep a good credit rating. Well, I stupidly agreed and signed. From then on I was emailing her regularly and she wouldn't reply right away and then all of a sudden it stopped. I started writing with no answer, a whole bunch of emails from my work and home went unanswered. Little by little I was realizing my mistakes. And the kicker came when my father was dying and I called her to see if she could please see her grandpa for the last time. She was close to my parents till all that and now she didn't feel the need to come down. Of coarse the tone of my ex's response was that of delight and she said she would not interfear and that I could change my daughters mind if I talked to her. No way was I able to and since then I've never seen or heard from my daughter. There was so much I could have done had I had the knowledge and pushed my rights as a parent. Don't let this happen! Don't let people like this take your child away and think you'll forget! You will regret it forever. You will go on but not without thoughts that bring very sad states of mind when you least expect it. My second marriage has gone bad now and I have my 2 and 8 year old here. But when we we're parting I told her no way was I going to let her take my children away from me and would fight for my rights to keep them in my life. I didn't care what threats she made I said fine, let's go see the judge, I'm ready to exercise my rights and know about the law. Yes, now I know what I should have known back then. Don't do this thing because someone is forcing you. Stand fast-pray for help-talk to your children and make sure they know what is happening. If you can, understand something just listen, a court has a responsibility to make sure everything is fair, seek out some legal help with this. Don't be afraid of anything because----a child has a right to see both parents and they weigh the cost. If the burden lies on one parent too much, they will make it fair so that you can see them. Please find out for yourself. Look under legal advice on the internet. You'll see forums of people asking questions and go to the that states court library on the internet. There's also web pages with information on what's possible. Don't leave your children thinking you don;t care. It possible to keep thing's where you'll be able to see them. Also, children are sponges and can be manipulated by parents with small hearts and selfish motives and they won't come around as they get older. It's something you'll see when it's too late. I long for my daughter now but have no money to find her and have tried on the internet without luck of anything for free. I also feel it's been too long and she would probably still blame me for everything but it's not exactly the truth. Find out first what can be done and don't be afraid. It may be possible to stop them as I hear courts are aware of Parental Alienation NOW! And this is something they don't tolerate. Do it now. You'll save the most important thing in your life. Your peace of mind and have no regrets. Trust me, I have a life but I also have something that never stops hurting. It makes me cry now thinking of it. Do it-their your children too! ↑ |
| Name: liven4luvin | Date: Dec 14th, 2006 8:14 PM |
| I meant the IRS made me $3000.00 not $300.00. Sorry I was writing fast. ↑ |
| Name: Courtwinner | Date: Dec 15th, 2006 6:57 AM |
| Document everything you send, keep receipts, document every phone call. Continue to call at least twice a week to speak to your children. Document time, date, and what happens. If you speak with your children document conversation. Once you complie enough evidence take her into court. Don't forget to document all holidays missed visiations. Go back as far as you can remember and document. Try and remember they are your children, dont do drastic things to look back in a courts eye. Do not move!!!!! You need to get documentation, witnesses if you have them and file for change of custody immediately. If you have visitation then she is in contempt, go file!!!!! Dont take it out on the children they hear two sides and mainly the parents they are with. They will come around, give them time, their brains are not developed enough to determin logic of things like adults. Remember the kids are in the middle, you do what is in the best interest of the children, keep at in mind at all times. As adults they will remember these times and the one parent that withholds from them is the one they will turn on. Good Luck ↑ |
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