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Name: Chrissy
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I am dealing with an ex that doesn't know how to be an ex!! She just won't stay out of the picture! We are planning on getting married soon and she uses every opportunity to bring up "what they used to have" They have a child together and I think there needs to be TOTAL co-operation when it comes to taking care of him but other than that there is no reason for her to be calling him to let him know personal stuff that does not affect their son what-so-ever. My Fiance has addressed this to her repeatedly, he has responded to over personal emails in a nice-but-firm manner that his only interest in regards to communicating with her is about their son but she continues to do these things. She also hangs out with his family all the time!! She take it upon herself to take their son to visit my fiance's family. We have JOINT custody, we have him as often as she does, and we are perfectly capable of taking him to visit the family. She made a quilt for my fiance's mom for mothers day and the quilt included her son from a previous relationship, her son and pictures of my fiance and his family. When my fiance said something about it being inappropriate she said she left a space for my daughter but if this is the case why wouldn't she have brought it up herself. I mean she calls or emails for every other reason under the sun so if this "gift" wasn't meant to exclude my daughter why wouldn't she have let us know about it before we have always gone out of our way to work with her on stuff. I just wish her manipulating would stop. I feel like she is just hovering around waiting for my relationship to fail so she can have her make-believe life back.
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Name: pj754 | Date: Jul 10th, 2006 10:09 PM
Wow, sad to say but the ex isn't ready to let her ex-hubby go to another woman. She is trying very hard to upset you. She's definately using the family and the son to stay connected. Your fiance did the right thing but telling her to stop but the next time she starts talking about personal stuff other than the son, he needs to cut the conversations abruptly. As far as the emails go, I wouldn't reply back at all. If she starts the phone conversation about something personal, have your fiance abruptly ask her if the son is ok. If she says fine, then he needs to tell her he has to get off and hang up. As far as the family goes, he needs to talk with them privately and ask them not to invite her while he is present. If she shows up unexpectly, then you all need to get up and leave. After a couple of times doing this, this ex will get the message. Your part---keep a happy positive spirit about your while in her presence. Reach over and hug or kiss your fiance, whisper in his ear, etc... Show him you love him in front of her. Have him do the same to you, if you already don't do this. Kill her with kindness. She will not know how to react by it. She's expecting you to get angry and she is feeding off of it. Don't show any signs of anger or disgust in front of her. When she irritates the both of you, just leave without anything being said. I wouldn't explain anything to the son about it, make an excuse, you or him had a headache, belly ache or something. Your are right, she is waiting for your relationship to fail. Don't give her the satisfaction. Even though you are burning up inside by the site of her, just keep putting on the bubbling personality. This may take a while but it will work. Praise her on her gifts she gives. Tell her she did a wonderful job. Turn the charm back onto her. Give this a try and let us know how it worked out for you. Believe me, I hear yeah loud and clear. My ex tries to do the same thing to me and my fiance. It burns my fiance's butt. However, it just grins and shows me affection in front of him and we know it gets under his skin. The kids end up telling us later on how much it bothers him. Good luck and keep me posted. 

Name: Chrissy to pj754 | Date: Jul 11th, 2006 12:04 PM
Thank you so much for your kind words and advice!! Sometimes it is just VERY frustrating. I am trying to be the bigger person but I have to admit I am NOT very good at it. I let things get to me more than I should and I take personally stuff that I know I should just let roll off my back. I have come to love my soon-to-be stepson more than I ever thought I would so I think that makes dealing with this situation even harder. I REALLY would like to get along with her. It's not about taking over her role but about us all working together to raise"our" son to be a healthy, happy adult. And while like I said I don't want to replace her as his mom, I do want to be acknowledged as someone who helps to raise him and loves him like her own son - I don't want to be treated like I'm just his nanny..if you know what I am saying??!! 

Name: pj754 to Chrissy | Date: Jul 11th, 2006 12:30 PM
Remember, you are not just a nanny. You will soon become a wife and a mom despite how the ex may treat you. Of course, you are not trying to replace her but you will be able to offer the boy things that she can't. As much as you would like things to work out between all of you, it might not. She's resentful of the idea of you all being a family. Don't let her get you down, she's not looking at the whole picture. It was her fault, not yours. If she wanted to be part of the family, then she should have worked things out before your fiance and her split. Don't bend over backwards in trying to make her happy, either. That will tear you up inside. She will crush you like a bug. Keep your dignity and keep in mind, you are a better person. You can love her son like your own and down the road he will be very thankful for it. Yes, it's hard to deal with someone like that. Your trying to do the right sensible thing but she doesn't see it. Even if you get along, I doubt you will be able to change her thinking. Be cautious of her actions. You can be civial but keep in mind, she's hurting inside, too. That's why she acts the ways she does. You have alot to be thankful for. A man that loves you and wants to marry you and to share his son with you. Look at the positive things of what you have. Other than being the boy's mom, she is insignificant to you. She puts her pants on the same way we all do. She is no better than anyone else. I hope things get better for you but keep me posted. 

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