This is my story. For five years, I have been in and out of court with my ex who lives out of state. My daughter who is now eleven years old doesn't want to see him anymore. When she was young, he didn't see her for three years which I feel is one of the reasons why she doesn't have a bond with him. Since she was five, she has been ripped out of my arms and forced to have visitation with him. He would always force her to talk to him on the phone, forced her to say that she loves him, to hold his hand and to hug him. She can't stand it but is scared that she will get into trouble if she doesn't listen to him.
He is now married and raising two step children and a son from a previous marriage. He tells her that is her family but she doesn't feel that they are. They are much older than her and tease her if she is crying when she is with them. His recent wife doesn't help the situation either. She will roll her eyes and talk about me in front of my daughter. The whole family does. It hurts my daughter when they do that and makes her not want to be with them even more. His wife sees my daughter crying and begging her Dad not to make her go with them but she doesn't try to comfort her or encourage her that the visit will be fun. Just sits there, huffing and puffing. I bite my tongue everytime. There are many more stories that I can tell you but it will take me all day. Anyways, I tried to talk to him about his relationship with her but he just hangs up on me and doesn't want to hear my side of what I know would help their relationship. Every summer, we are in court. My daughter saw two therapist that both said these visits are not healthy for her but the courts don't listen. She saw two mediators that turned her stories around. With my daughter being eleven years old, she is already affected by these visits and refuses to go again. She keeps telling her Dad that she doesn't want to go but he doesn't want to hear how she feels which she expresses all the time but he doesn't listen. The Courts just keep awarding him visitation because the mediators say that nothing is wrong here but if anyone can see how much my daughter is suffering from these visits and how emotionally affected she is by it, the court would listen. Therapist say that she is being emotionally and mentally abused by her Dad. I just don't understand why the courts don't listen!
All we were asking for is that the visitation to be cut in half instead of four weeks but it didn't happen. I understand all the BS about how she has to see her Dad but not if he is the way he is. I could see if he was a good Dad and made the right choices in his actions but she has witnessed him lying, not keeping his word to her and many more.
He got his way again, Saturday she was suppose to be on a plane to see her Dad. She refused to get on the plane. She was crying hysterically and wouldn't go with the attendants. I called her Dad and he said that I made her that way, now reverse it. Whatever that means! I had him speak to the attendant and she told him what was happening. He spoke to her and instead of making her feel comfortable and encourage her to get on the plane, he threatened her by saying that if she didn't get on the plane, he was taking me to court and taking her away from me forever! It made my daughter even more uset. Well, she didn't get on the plane and I will find out what the court and attorneys will say today. He thinks I put her up to this but she does have a mind of her own. Please help me? Anyone out there that understands my situation? I am not guilty of this crime, he is.......so, why wont the courts listen? ↓
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| Name: Layne | Date: Jul 31st, 2006 2:39 PM |
Ok first if the court says she has to go there is nothing you can do for the time being. But in most states at 13 or 14 they can decide if they want to go.
Now here is how I would handle the visitation from here on out. I isnt in the best interest of the child to hear any negative talk about her father. I am not saying this is happening but if it is stop. I mean if you are dragging this into court all the time more then likely she knows the situation. This is only hurting her by helping her form a opinion about the father. As well if they do this about you, Well of corse you have no control over this only yourself. so rise above it. in the end you will be glad you did. Because I know from life experience that the child eventually resents the person talking bad not the one being talked about.
just say Honey i know you dont like going but try and have a good time. Then possible mention some good points about going like something that is fun there to do. whatever that may be. then tell her how you'll be waiting and you'll do something special when she comes home. something you enjoy together.
Maybe e-mail or if that is possible write her letters. keeping them light and positive. maybe its you and your spouse that are feeding this feeling for your daughter even without realizing your doing so. Or it could really suck to go. But just try and be as supportive as possible. Thats what makes a fantastic mother one that can nurish the needs of your child. I hope i helped you and in no way judging. ↑ |
| Name: Layne | Date: Jul 31st, 2006 2:51 PM |
| M I just read your post on the end forum. and I can see you do have her best interest at heart. I think you and I are on the same page. I would not complain o the father. Or as sane people call communicate with him about your daughters feelings. It is clear they arent wanting to hear it. Just keep everything possitive as possible and I know it seems like it isnt working but in the end and your daughter is raised and mature enouph to hear it talk to her about your efforts. But I believe 11 is to young they just dont have the understanding of time. they want everything fixed now inthere lives. I would really try hard to bond someway with the step mother. Maybe her resentment comes from a losey marrage. you say he is a jerk. I hardly think much has changed 2nd time around. Maybe send valentines from your daughter birthday cards, xmas cards. so on start a bond with that family through your daughter. This will break down the wall that is there now. In other words KILL THEM WITH KINDNESS. This wont be affective right away but if that doesnt work then I dont know. But as i said before she can decide later. she'll just have to hang on a few more years. ↑ |
| Name: Layne | Date: Aug 1st, 2006 3:28 AM |
| Thank you for your response. I have tried to encourage my daughter by saying all the things you mentioned. I did this since she was five years old but now that she is older, she has a very strong mind of her own. I sent her letters and notes with encouraging words but her Dad would never give them to her so, I gave up on that. Honestly, I have never talked about her Dad in front of her. Like I said, she found out how he was all by herself. Telling her that when she was ten, she didn't have to see him unless she wanted to but he went back on his word. Anyways, I apologize for going on and on but it's been years of repetition of this problem. I am so tired of it all, just tired for trying to make things better between her and him. He refuses so, I am not going to try anymore. I did all I could. Thanks again! ↑ |
| Name: M | Date: Aug 1st, 2006 3:29 AM |
| Oops, the response was suppose to be for Layne. ↑ |
| Name: Layne | Date: Aug 1st, 2006 4:18 AM |
| THAT REALLY IS DISCOURAGING. IM SORRY YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS. BUT I AM GLAD YOU DONT TALK ABOUT IT IN FRONT OF HER. YOU'LL SEE THE PAYOFF SOMEDAY. UNTILL THEN HANG IN THERE. ↑ |
| Name: M | Date: Aug 1st, 2006 2:34 PM |
| Thank you. As of right now my daughter is still with me. Thank God! We are on pins and needles waiting to hear what he is going to request next but thanks for you good thoughts. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Aug 2nd, 2006 3:47 AM |
| It's really sad that children are always put in the battlefield of visitation. Both parents should try to make things as easy as possible for the kids sake but they don't.Parents need to accept the fact that they are divorced and the kids are as much the other spouses as they are theirs. I hate it when children are treated as a piece of property and are in a tug of war between their parents. Parents need to grow up and be mature about visitation and encourage the children to have their visits with the other parent because like it or not ,those kids are the other parents children too! Instead of saying,"Well Sally and Johnny are crying and don't want to come with you.),You should be saying to your kids,"Well,that's your mom/dad,and you're going,so get used to it!" The only acception to this sould be if the reason the children don't want to go is because they are being beat or molested by the hands of the other parent or someone that lives in the house with the other parent. But if the kids don't want to go simply because they favor one parent over the other or find it boring at the other parents house,then thats not a good enough reason to help them not go. ↑ |
| Name: M | Date: Aug 3rd, 2006 7:56 AM |
| Thank you Lizzie for your reply. Although, that isn't the situation. I have made my daughter suck it up for many years and unless you are a parent yourself, you would understand how difficult it is to make your child be with a parent that she does not care for. (He was out of her life for a number of years.) It is sad that parents put their children in a tug a war but I know how my daughter feels and what he is putting her through is wrong on his part. My child or no child should ever have to be in a situation of abuse whether it is physical, emotional, mental or verbal. Believe me, if I had it my way.... I would love my daughter to have the best of both worlds but reality is, she only wants one of them. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Aug 16th, 2006 7:58 PM |
| All you can really do is pray the day gets here quickly that she can decide in court for herself that she no longer wishes to see her father and why. If he pays child support and has fits about paying it then maybe you could make an agreement of she doesn't have to go but he no longer has to pay support either? It's just a thought! ↑ |
| Name: janis | Date: Aug 21st, 2006 1:22 AM |
| i know someone who is in the same cituation, kind of and she was herself mentaly and physicly abused by this man she can not find anyone to help her .she had her for the first five years of her life up until about amonth ago.he now has her the majority of the time .it is so heartbreaking to see how up set she is when they take her away ↑ |
| Name: jackie | Date: Sep 6th, 2006 5:04 AM |
| I know exactly what you mean. Why aren't the courts listening to the children. I feel it is a violation of the first amendment. My daughter is 9. My daughter did not know her dad. For for years he was never there. After four years, he took me to court to try and get custody. The judge granted him supervised visitations in which he showed up two to three times out of three months. My daughter cried and sreamed for over a year because she never knew him. I could not make her go. He took me to court for contempt. The judge told me I had to make her go. My daughter hates her dad and does not want him at any of her school functions. She goes on the weekend, but cries until she returns. The court system is creating a society full of angry children waiting to explode. I f they could only see this. Do they not know this is consider mental abuse? I am going to fight this. ↑ |
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