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Name: Lory
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I'm married to the greatest guy with the worst ex! We've been together 12 years and have an 11 yr. old daughter. My husband has 3 children with his ex. And loves them dearly! Of course he's been faithful with 15 years of support payments and all the fun stuff that goes with that. I truly don't like to ex "bash" but, I am so frustrated right now. First, let me say he is in the process of "trying" to have his support modified. His oldest daughter is 21, (2) kids, and pregnant with another. His middle daughter turned 19. His son is 15 and lives with his mother. He went to his initial mandatory meeting yesterday, and she is requesting orthodontics care for the 19 year old. We know she needs dental care, and that's not the issue. The poor girl has needed dental work for years. They were never taken unless she was trying to create some drama. Let me mention we've always had insurance for them. And, let me say that she is remarried and neither one has worked in the 12 years I have been around! I don't even know where to begin on the hell that woman has put on my husband, the children, including our child, and myself. The lies, the manipulations, the unexpected "bills" etc.,etc. We have spent many days, and sleepless nights trying to stay 1 step ahead of her constant unnecessary crap! She seems to ask for more all in the name of the children! Both of my husbands daughters were kicked out of the house @ 15. They did not want to come live with us because I'm the "evil" one. I already said what has happened to his oldest daughter. I cannot get into all of the years of the ridiculous stuff. We keep looking forward to the end of the support . Which should be 3 years from now. But honestly, I don't think she will ever be out of our lives! Now that my husbands oldest daughter has taken over her mother's roll! I would just like to talk to someone who has lived in our shoes. I don't really know anyone who is or has. I know they are out there. Thanks!
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Name: Francine | Date: Nov 2nd, 2006 2:01 AM
Set up some boundaries...if the oldest daughter is becoming her mother perhaps you should keep her at a distance. Definitely have the child support modified. Obviously, this has become the game of life for his ex - stop playing if possible. Don't give her the response she is expecting. I am in the same mess but with younger kids. Ex is still trying to get control. We are thinking of moving to put some distance between the homes. Maybe it is time for you and your family to live the life you wanted and not wait for her next move. 

Name: Lory | Date: Nov 2nd, 2006 2:01 PM
Hi Francine! You know, I know the old deal about she didn't want him and doesn't want anyone else to have him. But it still makes you wonder why a mother would use her children as pawns. (tools) I could never in a million years tell my daughter her father doesn't want or love her! No matter what the situation was with us.
We have contemplated moving a dozen times over the years. But, we didn't want to take our child away from our families. As you can imagine "visitation" ended years ago. It ripped my husbands heart out! He couldn't stand dealing with her to see his kids. And she woud use his money against him. "The kids aren't coming this weekend, they're going to "Waterworld." We have never really had the "extra" money to allow us to buy all of the kids "Waterworld passes!" etc.
I surely agree that we need to start living our lives. And for the most part we try to. Some days, are just harder that others. And belive me. We knew these last years would be the hardest when the well starts to run dry for her!
Do you have children with your husband? Sorry about the whining. And thanks so much for your response. 

Name: tweetybird4 | Date: Nov 3rd, 2006 3:10 PM
Hi Lory---I hear what your saying. It's a constant mind battle. Is the middle 19 year old daughter still in school? If, not, then why does your husband have to pay dental work for her? Isn't the ex suppose to pay half of the expenses after the insurance pays? If your husband does pay for services rendered, make sure he makes payments directly to the orthodontist. If nothing else, have him take her himself on the initial visit and make arrangement with them that copies of all bills come directly to him. He can have them send copies of the bills directly to the ex. This way, you will be sure the daughter gets the work done and the ex can't get her hands on the money and spend it. As long as your husband follows his divorce papers to a tee, the ex really can't do much of anything. Does she have to reimburse him for have of the costs of such things? Or does she just not pay anything because she doesn't work?

I'm sorry your going through this. It's a tough sitiuation and like you posted before, alot of us going though similiar things. Feel free to vent and post as often as you need to. Some one here is always listening. 

Name: Lory | Date: Nov 4th, 2006 4:51 PM
Hi tweetybird4! No, N. actually graduated in May. She turned 19 in August. At that time we took her off our insurance. I know that sounds bad, but every little bit helps for us. And, N.( the middle girl) is actually employed as a CNA and makes decent money. We figure it's just the x's way of pronlonging modification. Her games! We filed in Sept. and nothing's been accomplished yet. Except a court date with the judge! Apparently, at that time the judge decides what happens! We payed our initial retainer and that's been eaten up already. You know how much attorneys make p/h! And, how little they do for you!
You know we would like to be able to help with things for once on our own. Without the courts telling us we have to pay her to do it! She's done things in the past like take the kids to a dentist not on our plan. Not tell us, and let it go to collections! I've spent countless hours on the phone to Dr. & dentists to explain the "situation!" Yes, she's responsible for 30% of services rendered, and co-pay. I thought that was what "child support" was all about. Huh! And... she's "supposed" to inform us first! She likes to use my husbands name and have him living at her address so the offices don't question anything. By the time the bills get to us at our address, they just want their money! And, he's the "father!" I know wah, wah, wah. Sorry. It's alll crazzzyyy! We look forward to one of these days taking a "real" vacation. Lying on the beach somewhere, doin nothin! Just like the ol' Kenny Chesney song! lol Thanks for the listening ear. 

Name: tweetybird4 | Date: Nov 5th, 2006 1:38 AM
Hi Lory---Wow, your dealing with a real winner!!! Sounds like a dead beat to me only in a female version. Keep all your records and proof of everything she is doing wrong and not doing according to the divorce decree. Even a written journal of all the events you encounter with her will help you in court. Keep all your receipts, it may sound like a royal pain in the butt but in the end it will pay off. All of this takes lots of time and patience. Since, the daughter is off the insurance and she has a job of her own, then you would think, she should have to pay for her own dental work? I know I did when I turned 18. This is where your hubby needs to put his foot down and say no. I know it's hard because you always want your kids to have the best but the ex is is taking advantage of the situation. Perhaps, your can go after the ex for fraud. Especially, if she's claiming that your ex is still living with her. I know someone, who did the same thing to her husband, except she racked up thousands of dollars on a credit card bill in her ex husband's name. Needless to say, he filed suit against her for fraud. Now, the bank is going after her over it. Hopefully, her children will be seeing their mother through plexy glass. It's sad to say but she gets what she deserves. My ex tried making me pay for one of my kids medical expenses but he took him to a different doctor without consulting me to use my insurance. I refused to pay it. It wouldn't have costed us a dime, if he would of mentioned something to me so we could use my insurance. I'm hoping that when you go back to court, the judge will see that she is creating unnecessary expenses for you and reprimands her for it. Maybe he will order her to pay of all the expenses herself. I'll keep my fingers crossed for ya. I know, all we do is shell out money to attorney's and all for what? Nothing that seems to be fair. It's a vicious cycle. I'm sorry, I do hope things will get better for you all. Keep your head up high, she's the one in the wrong and you can't change her no matter what. Hang in there, you and hubby are the good parents. Keep me posted. 

Name: Lory | Date: Nov 5th, 2006 7:17 PM
Hey tweetybird4! It's taking us a very long time to realize that she will never change. I do have a huge folder that I call "THE _____FILE!" And....it will be going to court with my husband this time! We pray the courts, (judge) finally sees her for what she is, and has been. This time it will go the distance! No more agreeing for the kid's sake. Being they never reap the benefits anyway! Thanks for all of your wonderful input. I will keep you posted. 


Name: tweetybird4 | Date: Nov 6th, 2006 12:28 AM
Hi Lory---I hope you will have a great day in court. I wish you both the best of luck and will keep my fingers crossed for ya's. Stand firm and hold your ground. Be sure to keep your composure no matter how much she gestures or snears at the two of you. Don't let her see that it's getting the best of you. Hold your heads up because you both are not in the wrong. I wish you well and please, let me know how it goes. 

Name: wabbit867 | Date: Nov 6th, 2006 8:30 AM
I need some advice or just to put it out there and here someone else's opinion on it. My parents divorced in 2004. My dad cheated on my mom for 3 years and married the lady that he cheated on my mom with. Since then I married my husband. He treats me very well. It is just that he does things that just gets me in a tizzy. Like his dad got him hooked on porns at an early age. I am not one for them. Since we have been together he gave up strip clubs and porns but I have caught him two times in almost a three year time period downloading them to our computer. When I ask him about it, I get the answer of well I dont know how they got there. Then after drilling him for it, I get the answer of well its not cheating. I am not doing anything but looking at it. Recently I logged on as his user name for a messaging system and come across a name that I dont know. He only talks to one person and that is the only name that is in there. I asked him about it and he gives me an answer of well I just used it to freak the friend out that he normally talks to. I even asked him that if he is telling the truth then log into that name. There have been other issues involving his family. He takes there side of every issue. His family, well mainly his sisters, telling me things to my face and I tell him and he doesnt believe me. I dont know what to do any more. I love him and it hurts me to have to go through these things. We havent even been married for a year yet. I dont know what to do anymore. He always says that Im not your father and I am not cheating on you. I dont know if I need to just talk with someone about what happened to my parents and deal with some issues that I still have or if it just the fact that he needs to out of my life. He has two guy friends that i dont approve of, only for the simiple fact that they have and are still cheating on there wives. To top all of it off, im having problems not producing a period but im not preg. I know he wants kids some day and I guess I am scared that he will leave me if the doctors says that I cant have any. Im only 20 and I dont know if maybe I made a mistake on marriage. What if I married him only because I felt loved and that I wasnt getting enough from my parents that I married him because I was getting attention, love, and someone to talk to out of him? Any comments would be great to this. I could sure need something. I really dont want to divorce him but some times I think I need to just because of all that I am having to go through. 

Name: tweetybird4 | Date: Nov 6th, 2006 12:48 PM
To Wabbit867---Hi, I'm sorry your going through all of this. In my opinion, downloading porn on the internet would be degrading to me and our marriage vows. My ex did this to me and would deny it all the way. Yet, I was smarter than he thought because I rebuilt him a computer and networked both computers to the internet and I would always check his history and temporary internet files on the computer and discovered he was viewing such sites more often than I thought. Plus, he would go over to a buddy's house, who had a web-cam so they could view live stuff. Also, when my daughter, age 7 at that time, discovered him looking at naked girls on the internet is when I approached him about this subject. Needless to say, he would deny the actions and yelled and screamed at our daughter for lying. Then, when we moved, he promised me he would never do it again. Once again, my daughter caught him. Well, I would come home from work and he would blame the porn sites on the babysitter. There were some nights I didn't have a sitter so how did the stuff get on there? He was lying to me constantly about it. I was really upset by his actions. I wondered why he felt the need to view other woman, that he knew he couldn't have, to feel aroused? I don't know, some people feel there is nothing wrong with it and other people do. As for me, I didn't like it. I didn't do it to him so why should he do it to me? It got to the point, I didn't care what he did, I worked my way to get a divorce. There were several other issues that pushed me towards divorce but this was one of those factors. My ex would get very angry with me when I caught him doing something wrong. He went as far as trying to choke me while telling me that what he was doing was no big deal so just to forget about it. Nope, in the back of my head, I wasn't going to tolerate it.

My advice to you is to follow what your heart tells you to do. I think he is sneaking around. If he truly loved you, he wouldn't be doing this to you. I would wonder if he's meeting someone personally on the side. I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh to you. I'm just a little skeptical because of what I've been through. I didn't like the fact that after he viewed this stuff, my ex would wake me up in the middle of the night and expect to get his groove on. I just feel if you truly love your partner, you wouldn't need someone elses stimulation to want to be with them. This is sad because you are young and newly married. But then, how would you have ever known right? My ex tried telling me that he talked with a member of the church, who said it was no big deal in what he was doing. I disagreed with that too because the church would put out articles about viewing pornographic material. Even though, he isn't touching someone else physcially, he EYES should be exclusively on YOU, not something else. If you want to talk some more, I'm willing to listen. Has your hubby told you he will stop viewing this stuff after you questioned him about it? Tell him exactly how you feel and ask him not to do it anymore. Then, leave him be for awhile and check your computer's history and temporary internet files. Print out the logs if you have too and store them in safe keeping. Because, if you do decide to go for a divorce, I believe you would have grounds for one. I don't know, you would have to consult an attorney. First, talk with him and tell him how you feel and then go from there. I understand this hits to close to home for you. Your father did this and now your husband. Your not wrong in your thinking, you just feel it isn't right. Well, your not alone. If you would like to you can email me and we can talk some more. [email protected] 

Name: BrookeW | Date: Nov 8th, 2006 3:08 PM
Wow, is this what i get to look forward to?!?! I am only 20 years old and in a realtionship with a 36 year old man. I love him to death. we have been together for some time, and he is in the process of being divorced. Times are already rough for me. I'll admit, I am very young to be in this situation, but stuff happens. I would say that I am a bit more mature than the average 20 year old, obviously because i have to be! But, it was and is my choice. I was just wondering, how hard has it really been for you, and was it worth it? 

Name: Courtwinner | Date: Dec 13th, 2006 6:23 PM
Why is he supporting children over 18? They must be in school for him to pay until they are like 23 or so. If out of school then he must file in court to stop support. Support does not stop automatically it must be filed in court. Many people do not know this. Even if divorce papers state support until 18 or 23 whatever it has to be filed in courts to stop the monthly amount that is court ordered once they are out of school. I personally went thru the same thing you are now. First off merging families is very hard, go with the flow, as the children get older in their 20's they will come around. Let them have their own feelings, remember alot probably coming from their mother, which they love. As far as the teeth, remember the kids will blame themselves for parents fighting over billsfor them. Dont let this happen make arrangements with the Dentist for payments, be honest with them and tell them your situation and what you can afford. Many dentist will work with your side if they know whats going on. I delt with horrible ex's finally put my foot down, I married their ex but did not give birth to their children or their debts. Any unjustified debts incurred by his ex with the children should be noted and addressed in court. Make sure you document document document, every phn call, date, time, conversations, comments by children ect. This log is crutial in court. Unfortunately you married into a premade family, the children will always have same mom and dad just part of the packaged deal. Its always best to support your spouse on his decisions with his children from past marraige this is sticky ground for any step parent. Remove yourself from the stress emotionally and let him take over where he left off before you came into the picture. Believe me its the only way for you to go. Washing your hands of the ex is empowering, let your husband deal with her. After all he knows her best. If needed cut off communications with you and her make her deal with him alone. It is so easy to get caught up in the "drama" but refrain from this, live your life and be happy let his ex life hers in drama. If legally your husband still has to pay for his children then try going thru your local child support enforcement to submit income proof to lower support. They should have authority to lower it and its free. 

Name: Lory | Date: Dec 14th, 2006 6:50 PM
To courtwinner-- I actually haven't been here in quite awhile. It's funny I thought I would come here today. Anyway, I've been dealing with these issues for almost 13 years now. I know all the b.s. that comes with these issues. We had our "big day" in court a few weeks ago. It was b-e-a-utiful! Although we still have approx. 3 yrs. left to pay support. The courts finally recognized her for what she truly is and has been. Justice was finally served! I'm probaly sick to feel this way but I felt truly satisfied that she looked like the incompetent, useless, idiot that she is! And she only has herself to blame. You can't argue with state statutes or the judge for that matter! Ha, ha, ha Obviously (without getting into details) things went our way for once. YEAH!!! 

Name: tweetybird4 | Date: Dec 16th, 2006 6:50 PM
Lory----I'm glad you had your day in court. Good things come to those who wait!!! Koodles to you all. Keep in mind, what goes around comes around and the one that is wronging you will get it back 10x harder. Just keep your laughter to youself, it will only aggreivate her more. Also, go on living your life to the fullest. No matter how rude the ex can be, you know in your heart you can hold your head up high because you are doing right. Congrats to you all! 

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