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Name: worried wife
[ Original Post ]
The day has finally arrived where my "break" from my husband's ex (which occurred when my two stepsons were old enough to drive themselves over for visits and as they became adults, now 20 and 24) is over :-(
My oldest stepson became a father of a beautiful baby girl and now my husb. is a grandfather and I am a step-grandma. Because of this new baby, we will need to start being at the same places, in t the same room with the ex, starting with the baby's baptism in a few weeks and then the marriage of her parents in a couple of months. Yikes!
Mind you, this is the worst divorce case EVER, ex was so mean, bitter, talked trash to the kids about me, their dad, etc., even violent toward me a few times. Never could communicate in a civil manner with her and now we have to be at the same family ceremonies?? Plus, now my husb. and I have two children of our own, who will also be at these family functions and I am worried about how the ex will be around them.
Any advice on how to make it through these moments without grinding my teeth to nothing?? Help!
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Name: molly | Date: Jan 3rd, 2006 8:57 PM
why are u worried for your children around her? it seems to me maybe u need to grow up a little and accept the fact that shes in your ex life whether u like it or not. No one said u have to comminicate with her just be an adult and avoid any type of contact with her when u find yourselves in the same place... for his children's sake. besides what divorce isnt bitter, just imagine what it will be like if you and your husband get a divorce, maybe, just maybe, it had something to do with him. It cant be all her fault. 

Name: worried wife | Date: Jan 4th, 2006 12:22 AM
Molly -- Guess I should have been a little more specific about my worries. My husband's ex has been in a mental hospital THREE separate times for violence to others and herself. When her kids were little, she would leave them at home and drive her car into trees. She once tried to run my husband over and was convicted of assaulting him and later, me. Each time, she would be given probation only and the kids were allowed to stay with her because she promised the judge she would get better!
My worries for violence with my kids is that she tries to claim that my kids ruined her marriage, when in fact my kids were born four years and nine years AFTER her divorce from my husband! I never even dated him or knew him when he was married. Where she gets her crazy math, I don't know, but I don't want her violent tendencies to come out in front of my kids. Acting adult-like is completely reasonable, and it's what I plan to do, but this woman is like a loaded gun -- you never know when it will go off.
So I am glad you know not of what I speak. I don't wish it on anyone, just hoping to run across someone on this forum who does know what this hell is like and who might offer some similar situations, i.e. family events with the ex there, and how it went.
You are right, it takes two to divorce, but I feel my husband really was a victim. Believe it or not, sometimes the man is the victim, too. The ultimate victims were the kids and that is very sad -- no one will argue that point. 

Name: Ann | Date: Jan 4th, 2006 6:17 PM
SImilar situation just not as bad. My husband is the good one and his ex is ridiculous. What we do is be nice. We have a good marriage and we don't let her moments of histaria into our home. When she is wacko , we ignore it and we are nice to her. We know this probably drives her nuts, but what can she do to us anymore? She knows we don't care. I am not saying that niceness fixed everything, but it sure changed a lot. Also when she is a witch to you, do your best to not let it ruin your day and just let it go. Good luck and hang in there.P.s. meant to tell you that a friends ex wife was in and out of a mental institute too and she was always given custody even after sexual abuse on one of her kids happened while in her care. She finally lost custody when her own doctor testifeid that that the kids would not be safe in her care. She is now confined to mental hospital. So, I hope all goes better for you 

Name: worried wife | Date: Jan 4th, 2006 8:42 PM
Ann, I want to thank you for your thoughtful reply. I think the being "nice" thing is actually an excellent way of handling things. Hey, it will protect my own personal kharma on top of being the right thing to do. Now if it drives the ex nuts, well, she already is nuts, so no loss there. Still, Molly was also right about acting like adults. That's what we're going to do and we just have to realize that we can control how she acts -- the whole serenity prayer thing, i.e. wisdom to know the difference of what we can and cannot control/do, etc. We CAN control ourselves and we CAN enjoy the family moments. I am still concerned about my own children, too, of course, in this woman's presence, but that's because they are still very young, the ex is very unstable and this animosity has nothing to do with my children. But, again, can't control that aspect, so we'll just do our best. My husb. and I do have a strong marriage, too, and he reminds me that the very best way to handle all this "junk" is to live our lives to the fullest and not let his ex take away any joy because that's exactly what she wants. Thanks again for your views -- I really appreciate them! P.S. The ex's great-grandmother recently passed away at age 95 or something and even though she and her husband divorced something like 55 years ago! no one in the family was allowed to ever mention the man's name because this old lady still held such bitterness and hatred -- so, it really runs in the family, the whole, can't-let-it-go issue! Uggh ... 

Name: bianca | Date: Jan 5th, 2006 2:43 AM
you said it, grinding your teeth is what youre gonna have to do. its easier said than done, but if you made it this far you can make it even farther. just remember you can only kill people with kindness no matter how much its killing you. at the end of the day it will make the other person even more mad because they couldnt get to you. 

Name: Laurels | Date: Jan 22nd, 2006 4:15 PM
You think your case it the worst? Well you haven't heard my story.

I'm the new wife. My husband's ex wife has four problems that I have narrowed it down to why she continues to abuse the children mentally, physically and emotionally. The abuse to the children has been taking out her anger she has for her former out on defenseless children. In fact, he now has primary care of the children and she only gets weekend visits every other weekend.

She likes to keep us in the courts and how she lies. Even her affidavits are loaded with lies that can be proven and she just denies, denies, denies. The children are at the point where they can identify her good choices from bad choices.

A psycologist, recently told us while we were seeking his advice. His ex wife has one or all of the following problems they are: 1) she hopes he will come back, 2) she still loves him though it has been 8 years, 3) she can't let anyone move on and be happy, 4) she has mental illness and can't see past herself.

In social gatherings we have been told, even though he is the father of the children, keep your distance. You don't have to talk to one another, but you don't have to try to say something either that will set the other person off.

We haven't come to the point of graduations, weddings, or births of children. But maybe by then....she won't be around? :)

My main point is keep the adult issues out of the picture. Act in accordance to what is in the best interest of the children. BE THE BETTER PERSON! 


Name: emily | Date: Jan 23rd, 2006 7:02 AM
My husband & I have been married for 9 months. He has a son, who is now 8, from a high school relationship. My stepson is awesome...but some days I cannot handle the ex & sometimes I take it out on my husband. I understand what molly says about being an adult...and thatís what I have been trying to do. But lately the ex has been bringing up things about her life with my husband. My husband thinks she is just trying to make me jealous...but I still get so angry. She has never abused my stepson, so I am thankful for that. But my question is do I confront her about the things she is saying or do I just let it go & keep taking it???? 

Name: ann | Date: Feb 11th, 2006 12:06 PM
well you have the upper hand - the only reason for her acting that way is because she is jealous of you. By you not responding to her rudeness is only showing her that you are very secure in your marriage - which i'm sure makes her even more jealous. But i would not allow her to be rude to your children, if she does treat them badly, I would calmly pull her aside and tell her that you are really flattered by her jealously but you would appreciate if she did not take it out on your children. I've been on both sides before - and nothing pleased me more than my ex husbands new wife calling me out of the blue to talk ugly to me for no reason- it only showed me that she wasnt secure with my ex's feelings for her. 

Name: skeeter | Date: Mar 17th, 2006 1:41 AM
your not the only one with an EX.... i would rather deal with the boys losing their mother ... then deal with ex until they turn 18. 

Name: Lisa | Date: Mar 21st, 2006 7:38 AM
sorry to hear about it. Unfortunately, you cannot control the Ex...all you can do is damage control and speak to your children and explain to them that their step brother's mother doesn't like YOU...and unfortunately is jealous about them. Explain that she really doesn't hate THEM, but is emotionally immature and cannot help herself. Explain that it is NOTHING that they did and unfortunately, that is how it is. Sometimes people won't like other people for no justifiable reason at all. But know in their hearts that they are good kids and that as long as they are good to others and have self respect, that is all that matters. Know that you and your husband love them very much. 

Name: kitkat | Date: Mar 21st, 2006 7:25 PM
Man, just when 18 was getting close I read this ....OY VEY!! 

Name: Donna | Date: Mar 25th, 2006 4:30 AM
Stay close to your husband! He won't let anything happen to you or the kids. Keep telling yourself it'll be over soon and talk to GOD the entire time. Smile and NEVER let her know you are a bit concerned about her thoughts, actions or motives. Be civil and keep your distance from her, not the kids or grandkid. 

Name: vanessa | Date: Apr 10th, 2006 5:32 PM
my husband was talking to his ex wife, and she's been writing him emails, and he told me that she was just a friend. please help 

Name: Donna | Date: Apr 13th, 2006 2:47 AM
Hi Vanessa,

Do you see the emails? Are they more than parenting together? I email my ex husband. We don't get personal. It's about the kids we have together ot just a funny joke. No harm done! We will forever be in each other's life and know we must have some sort of friendship for our kids. My husband doesn't get jealous. There is no flirting or going back in the past. Strictly treating each other as freinds. Afterall I liked him enough to marry him and have children with him. At one time there was something I liked about him. Divorce or seperation doesn't mean ending a freindship. It means you've moved on emotionally.

Good Luck! 

Name: ymo4ever | Date: Apr 16th, 2006 11:11 PM
Okay - my husband's ex lives in the same town, and my two stepkids live every other week with her. We attend birthdays and school functions together, but spend major holidays apart. Since we have been married, my husband and I have tried to take the high road, and ignore her insults and obvious insecurities, both in person and e-mail. We do not respond to her e-mails unless it involves something that is listed in the divorce decree as having to be agreed upon by both parties, and we screen our calls, both at home and work because she calls us constantly. She also calls to "borrow" things they owned together. I find the whole thing pathetic because all it does is hurt the kids, but I have to admit that there are times I would LOVE to let her have a piece of my mind about the things she does. Since I have entered the kid's lives, she has started trying to copy the things I do for the kids - keeping track of their homework, making sure that I am aware of and plan for every school event. She was usually hit or miss with this stuff before. At least the kids are now receiving the attention she should have been giving them all along even if it is for the wrong reasons. My husband and I just tell ourselves that in the end the kids will truly know what each parent did and who had their best interest at heart. We also count the days down until the kids are adults and we no longer have to deal with her at functions. It helps a great deal to have other moms to talk to about it. I get so tired of the conflict and garbage - and being nice. 

Name: Juicyfruit | Date: Jun 5th, 2006 4:28 PM
It's so nice to read about others in the same boat. My fiance's ex is a landmine waiting to happen. Their divorce has been final nearly 2 years. She kicked him out, demanded a divorce and insisted she keep everything. He said fine and has continued to pay the mortgage plus additional money for household expenses. Part of their property settlement was that the marital home be sold and after she received X dollars off the top of the equity, they would split the rest. Well, she assumed he would continue to be her maintenance man and called every time she needed something done ("Oh, I'm having a party - you need to come mow", etc.). Even though he'd tell her no, she has continued to call for just about every household chore you can imagine - even telling him he would need to hire a cleaning crew to clean the house after she moved out. When the house finally sold recently, it sold for way less than they ever anticipated, so she didn't get her alloted amount of money - so, now it's b/c he screwed her out of everything and wouldn't come out there and continue to take care of her house. He continues to communicate with her b/c of "the children" - who are both in their 20's. She has told the children every nasty thing that ever happened in their marriage but blames the divorce on me - even though I wasn't even in the picture. She tells everyone what a happy marriage they had (even though they were separated 4 or 5 times in the last 15 years) until I came to town. She physically assaulted me just over a year ago - in my front yard and has called me and him both every nasty thing you can think of. The "children" feel sorry for "poor mom" and constantly tell us how bad she has it even though she screams & yells at them and then is always sorry b/c of all she's been through. They only call dear old dad for car maintenance and money. The oldest child recently had a baby and there will be joint family events in the future. I am having a hard time dealing it and dread of all it. I KNOW taking the high road is the thing to do, and I certainly don't want to sink to her level - but it's hard. 

Name: Ashley | Date: Jun 15th, 2006 5:24 AM
I know EXACTLY How you feel, because I have been dealing with my husbands ex for a year thankfully she moved but all of a sudden she decided she was going to move back so she could be closer to her son. She is Bi-polar and doesnt even seek help for her disease. She caused alot of drama within our family however I dont like dealing with her, im just hoping she will give up one day. 

Name: Serina to Ashley | Date: Jun 19th, 2006 1:31 PM
She will move back in town and out of town, the instability and moods swings are part of the disorder. My Husbands ex is bioplar and my step son 14 has it too.My step daught 12 does not have this disorder but it think she has some of her mothers personality.
Very best of luck !!! 

Name: Rebecca | Date: Jun 21st, 2006 12:28 AM
My husbands ex-wife hates me with a passion, and is still in love with my husband. She tells him she loves him, and a couple of times I caught him saying he loved her back over the phone. I think there is something wrong with this situation. Am I alone? They have one son together, and because she hates me he doesn't allow me to go to any school functions to see my step-son. He says she is too immature to understand that I am a part of his life too, and it just makes it worse on her if I'm there. We have got into a total of 3 fights, and she gives me dirty looks everytime I see her. She is really mean to me, and I always have tried to be really nice to her until now. I don't really understand what I did, because her attitude has just changed recently in the past few months. She used to be nice unless it was just fake.. It's crazy. I wish my husband would say something to her like she doesn't have a chance with him ever, but since he is nice to her for my step-sons sake she is thinking that he still wants to be with her. She is a very weird person. 

Name: Danan | Date: Jun 26th, 2006 9:25 PM
ya give her a big smile and a huge and say HAY LETS GET TOGETHER FOR LUNCH SOMETIME'

She would be in a state of shock with you doing and saying that. She wouldnt know what to do or say. LOL 

Name: lynn | Date: Jun 29th, 2006 6:44 PM
i just got married recently my husbaand refused to tell his ex that he is married to me or even mention my name to her .he claims that if she knows we are together she will keep his daugter from him and will end up asking for child support or be nasty about everuthing.So, i dont know his daugter she doesnt know me i would like to be a part of them but my husband wont let me.He attends the daugters functions alone without me but my question is why alll the secrecy to the ex wife.When i bring up the topic he tells me that i am not allowing him to be a good father to his daugter.So when the ex calls she will ask him where he is or what he si doing and he lies about it.So i'm so worried and concerned as to what is going on and what might come out of this , he has been separated from her for 3 years, he dated someone else prior to me.someone please help me understand this situation. 

Name: Jenny | Date: Jun 30th, 2006 11:06 PM
Dear worried wife,
I am in the same situation you are, although my stepkids are a little younger, 11 and 14. My husband I have been together since the youngest was 3-years-old. I have been through hell and back with their mother, also talking trash about me to her kids behind my back. She is nasty and cold and always finds faults in my husband and I with the way we raise his children in our home. The only thing I can say to you is remember that she is their mother and that is it. She has no ties to you or your husband and your children. Big deal, they had children together. So do unmarried parents that don't acknowledge eachother. Rise above her and let your husband's children know that you will always care for them despite whatever they hear and literally IGNORE anything the ex says to you. I do this to my husband's ex and it drives her nuts because she wants to argue and I refuse to stoop down to her level. I reassure my husband's children that I love them are care about their well being and his kids will realize that the older they get. 

Name: SCR | Date: Jul 12th, 2006 9:35 PM
Hi, I have only been dealing with my husband's ex for just over a year now - prior to us being married I had little or no involvement with her. My advice - keep you head held high and remember you are better than her. That's what keeps me going every day!
Best wishes,
scr 

Name: f17rc010 | Date: Jul 19th, 2006 4:50 PM
yikes, and I thought I was alone. I wish I had an answer for you. I've not made it to where you are yet. I am dealing with this now, the step-daughter in question is only 6 (we have a long way to go). Ready your entry made me realize something. I have been saying all along that this is going to be the way it is for the next 12 years, but that is not true. After that we will have to deal with weddings and grandchildren. How did you handle it when the kids where smaller? I can't stand this woman, she has been physical with me as well. I think my biggest problem is that my husband refuses to stand up for himself. She runs the show and he lets her. When they divorced it was supposed to be every other week with each parent until she started school and then my husband was supposed to get her every other weekend. Well she started school last year but they made a verbal agreement that they would continue with the every other week. For the most part it worked out great except when the ex would get pissed off about something and she would threaten to go back to the visitation in the papers if she didn't get her way. So now he won't challenge her at all because he doesnt want to lose the time with his daughter. I tried to talk him into taking her back to court to have the visitation modified but he is too scared. We have six children between us, five live with us full time and this one is 1/2 the time. This is the only one we struggle with. I don't know how to let go of it, I'm afraid that I'm going to let it ruin a wonderful marriage. Looking for help from someone who has experienced it. 

Name: lynn | Date: Jul 20th, 2006 8:14 PM
Dear wife,

Well, i wish i can even begin to help you but i cant my husband is a coward too he wont challenge the ex at all.What the ex needs to realise is she cant use the child as her negotiating tool to have her way.Sometimes ignoring them helps alot, just do not stoop low to her level. 

Name: amazing | Date: Jul 24th, 2006 5:44 AM
I commend you for even thinking of going to same functions. I have discussed with my husband that once his daughter turns 18, we will NOT be involved in any situations where the mother will be around. I have put up with her garbage for too many years and will no longer put up with her. If being there for his daughter is more important than giving our son and myself some peace, after she turns 18, then he can go on with his daughter. I know it sounds horrible, but for 12 years my son has had to also endure the BS of the ex for the benefit of his daughter and I will no longer allow it after she turns 18. Sad to say, but honestly, it will be over for us and I couldn't care less what anyone says, including the daughter. 

Name: shelly | Date: Aug 2nd, 2006 3:44 PM
I know how all of you feel. I thought I was the only person in the world dealing with a nasty ex. My hell has been going on for 8 years now. I have 2 ex-wives to deal with. The first one is a little easier to deal with, she understands that the child is the most important and she is at least tolerable. The 2nd ex-wife is another story. My husband pays his child support, keeps health insurance on the kids, we used to see them all of the time. But his ex won't even let us do that anymore. She won't let us see the kids because their dad doesn't call them every single day. He doesn't call them because every time he does, she always wants to argue with him. I mean it gets nasty. They do not get along at all, so she calls me. Which all she wants to do is argue with me. I refuse to do it anymore! I am divorced myself with 2 kids and my ex and I are very good friends. After 8 years you'd think they would grow up! I love my husband, but things just keep getting worse and worse. I am dying inside, I feel like I am taking away from my own children fighting for his. The situation will never change!!! I have tried not to care at all, but that is not my nature. I love his kids as my own. I feel like I have to make a decision on whether or not to continue to be unhappy and keep arguing or move on and enjoy my life with own children. Anyone understand? Any advise? 

Name: f17rc010 | Date: Aug 3rd, 2006 4:31 PM
Shelly, when I read your comments I felt like you were talking about me. I have struggled with trying to not let it bother me but like you, I can't. I love my Husband more than that. I can't get him to see that my intentions are for him and his daughter, not to get even with his ex. He feels like I am trying to make her life miserable because I dislike her. Which is very true however not my motivation. We are now at the breaking point and I believe I'm losing my Husband over this. 

Name: shelly | Date: Aug 14th, 2006 7:50 PM
f17rcO1O, I really do feel for you. Maybe in order to save your marriage, you may have no choice to let things be the way they are. I personally have done that for so long and trust me, it does not get any better. It's unfortunate that your husband does not understand your motivation. Hopefully he will realise at some point that you do have the best intentions for him and his daughter. Best wishes! 

Name: girly29 | Date: Aug 14th, 2006 8:17 PM
Worried wife.....Hold your head up high knowing that you have rights to be there also....Stay clear from her and try to keep out of her way...Be there for your family and have a good time. Be the bigger person and by the sounds of it, you are by not allowing some bitter ex to ruin this special memory for you and your husband :)...Take care 

Name: girly29 | Date: Aug 15th, 2006 1:18 PM
Rebecca...I'm sorry but if I heard my husband tell his ex wife that he loved her on a couple different occasions I dont think I'd be as supportive as your being! Yes somethings wrong with this picture...You should be invovled in your step-son's school activities no matter how hard it is on the ex wife. I think your husband is playing to two of you's. You against the ex wife. Him telling his ex wife he loves her knowing she still loves him is wrong, its disrespect to you....If he truly loved you he wouldn't care how hard it was on his ex, he'd tell her to adapte to the situation because your his wife and you'll be here forever.....This kinds stuff went on with my ex and I, he would tell me he loved me on the phone and also kept his girlfriend away from school activities etc. knowing I'd be at our childrens events.He didnt want to rub it in and hurt me this was only because we were still sleeping together, he promised me he was going to leave his girlfriend and come back to me etc. Only for me to find out he was trying to have his cake and eat it too..I think you should sit your husband down and have a serious talk with him..because there is definitaly something wrong with this behaviour......take care I hope this helps :) 

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