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i have 3 very young children w/ him...we've had an awful past together where he cheated on me . i went thru couseling...separated for 3 years then eventually worked it out...renewed our marriage and got back together. lately we've been having problems. which i thought were small problems..for ex...fighting over where to eat out...can't make decisions and it infuriates him that i can't just pick a place when he doesn't know where to eat either. basically wants me to make all decisions even when i don't know. ok to me that was a SMALL issue. he finally ends up telling me i irritate him and he hates my personality of not being able to make decisions...got super angry and started to scream at me while i'm there sitting shocked he got angry over that instead of just talking to me about it first. so ever since we started having fights...when we do fight...he curses me out...tells me i have mental problems or i have issues w/ myself...while i'm just trying to calm him down and sticking up for myself that i don't have problems. major picture here...when we fight...i have a calm voice or maybe raise my voice just a little..but w/out ever putting him down or cursing back. he on the other hand is slamming doors in my face...calling me names and putting me down. i want couseling...he doesn't. can't seem to change his mind...i know some will say divorce him or leave him...but i have 3 young children and i have no job...nowhere to go...what do i do? ↓
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| Name: molly-may | Date: Sep 25th, 2006 5:54 PM |
| If it didn't work out the first time than it shouldn't surprise you that it isn't working out again. It sounds to me that your husband needs to grow up. I know personally I am the most indecisive person in the world so when it comes to eating out I let my other half decide. Next time he asks you were you want to eat, tell him a place, it isn't anything worth fighting over. If you are dead set about staying with this man, then you are going to have to take charge and make more decisions. Good Luck! ↑ |
| Name: winnmom | Date: Sep 25th, 2006 11:37 PM |
A marriage is worth saving.
you need to pick your battles, dont sweat the small stuff.
When deciding where to eat, take time to think about it, then give an answer.
Do not put up with the verbal abuse, when ever it starts, calmly tell him I am going for a walk I will be back in 30 minutes. If you come home and he starts again, say the same thing, I am going for a walk....This may take some time, but he will learn that you will not tolerate this kind of verbal abuse.
When it comes to making decisions, if neither of you are able to make them, this must get frustrating, so YOU need to make them, make all the decisions until he can learn to help with this.
I do not know if any of this will help, but I believe marriage is worth saving.
If worse comes to worse, and he will not change you will have to leave because you do not want your children learning to be have like him.
Good luck, and I will be adding you to my prayers. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Sep 26th, 2006 3:25 PM |
| Go apply for an apartment where they base your rent on your income. Go to your local welfare office and apply for you and your kids only to get medical,foodstamps and cash. Do not stay in this relationship,it won't get better. Your kids do not need this in their lives and all it will do is break you down into nothing and you will feel worthless,so please,please,please get out! your welfare office may be able to tell you what apartments to go to or you can call your local housing authority and they can help assist you. Maybe if you explain your situation,you can get in an apartment quicker. Whatever you do,don't stay,you and your kids deserve better than that and you know it. ↑ |
| Name: pj754 | Date: Sep 29th, 2006 1:34 PM |
| Yes, it's hard to make such a drastic step with 3 children to care for but if you put your mind to it, you can do it. Perhaps you will have to go without somethings but you and the children will not have to be subjected to such enviornment. You can try walking away from your husband when he starts his rampage of yelling and screaming. Just tell him you are not going to sit there and take it. He doesn't have the right to treat you in such a way. Ignore him. Don't listen to what he says until he learns on his own to calm down and speak to you in a manner that's appropriate. Personally, I can tell ya, this will only take you so far because he will figure out a different way to treat you. I, too, went through the same kind of b.s. with my ex. For about the last 6 years of my marriage to him, I kept myself busy without including him. I didn't like that kind of environment. It was draining every kind of energy I had inside of me just being around him. He would try to make me feel uncomfortable in front of friends and family by giving me nasty looks or making nasty comments. I would ignore him and pretend he didn't exist at that time. Later, I told him if he was trying to ruin my fun, I wasn't going to allow it. So, if I wanted to go to a picnic or something like that, of course, I always took the kids with me but I felt like I was a single parent. I did it all without his help. When I realized that I truly didn't need him in my life, I left him. Oh, he tries to still punish me every chance he gets but he's not living inside my home which gives me great peace of mind. If your husband gets angry because you won't pick a place to eat, just pick one. If he puts up a tiff because of what you picked, then tell him to forget it. You don't want to go out or he can go by himself. If he starts arguing with you in public, get up with the children and walk out to the car. Make sure you have a spare set of keys with you. You don't deserve to be treated this way and definitely not in front of the children. I did this for a while but turned into just a physical body living inside the home. He does alot of this to get a rise out of you. He wants to embarass you and may you feel so low. Don't let yourself be subjected to it. It takes two of you to make a marriage work but if you are the only one, who is giving 120%, then you need to rethink your future with him. There's a saying, "A leapord doesn't change it's spots!" This is true because I've experienced this with my ex. I don't know if my advice has helped. But you can always come to this site to vent. I hope things get better for you and if you do decided to take the step to leave him, listen to Lizzi's advice. ↑ |
| Name: JESSE | Date: Sep 30th, 2006 4:41 AM |
| i wish I can help you. I am self employed and not bringing in any money with a 5 month old. We have nasty fights too. He hits on every weak point that I have which sends me into a crying mess. One thing I can tell you though, as a product of divorced parents, they separated when I was 21, staying with someone just because of the children is not only hard on you, but your kids as well. It is hard to pick up your pieces when you have someone shattering your self repair job. I don't have anywhere to go either. i wish you the best. I know leaving is much easier said than done. Nobody wants to have to go to a shelter or a safe house. If you can find a way to bring money in for yourself, your husband might realize that you are not going to stick around because you will be able to take care of yourself, and maybe he will change his tune. That is what I am trying to do to end the stupid fights that turn into brawls and episodes of him belittleling me. ↑ |
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