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Name: Jen
[ Original Post ]
So, I have been dealing with the whole step mom and unreasonable ex wife thing now for a short while now and having a hard time figuring out my place in this new role and marriage. What it means, how come I don't seem to matter, why my kids are always coming in behind his,and etc.
Fortunately, I have a wonderful Aunt who"s advice over the past year has kept me sane. Her latest piece of reassurance put me into a new mind set and want to pass it on.
She said: Don't look at your new marriage and family as a blended family because it is not. When you use a blender you throw in all your ingredients and in seconds you have a finished and very yummy smoothie and you are done. Your marriage is like a crock pot. It takes 7- 10 hours to complete a meal and when it is done it is tender and juicy and a family favorite.So give your second marriage one year for every hour of that crock pot and in time your marriage will be deeper and stronger than you ever thought it could be.
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Name: Serina | Date: May 14th, 2006 1:34 AM
I found this on the web and thought I would share it with you .I am sorry it is so long but here it is...

Stepfamily Rights and Responsibilities

Bill of Rights
1. I will be a part of the decision making process in my marriage and family at all times.
2. I have every right to my feelings and to express them in a respectful manner.
3. I will NOT be responsible for the welfare if children for whom I can set no limits
4. I must be consulted about children that are living with or visiting us, whom they can visit and when, etc.
5. I will not be solely responsible for housework, chores will be distributed equally and fairly. 6. I will be consulted in all matters concerning this family.
7. Others may not violate my private space, nor take or use any of my possessions without my permission.
8. I will NEVER be treated as dirt in my own Home.
9. My stepchildren will ALWAYS treat me with respect, even if they don't like me.
10. I have the right to my privacy regarding all issues.
11. I have the right to choose what a child is allowed to call me, or not call me.
12. I will be consulted about all financial issues regarding this family i.e. child travel, schooling etc, as long as it affects me too.
13. We will never discuss marital issues in front of children, nor will we disagree about discipline in front of children. We will Always show a united front and discuss later out of earshot of child our disagreement.
Our marriage is our FIRST priority, and we will address all issues together.

The Biological Parent’s Bill of Rights
1. I will be a part of the decision making process in my marriage and family at all times.
2. I have every right to my feelings and to express them in a respectful manner.
3. I will NOT be undermined in my parenting decisions of the children.
4. I must be consulted about plans involving children that are living with or visiting us, whom they can visit and when, etc.
5. I will not be solely responsible for car maintenance, house repairs, yard work; chores will be distributed equally and fairly.
6. I will be consulted in all matters concerning this family.
7. Others may not violate my private space, nor take or use any of my possessions without my permission.
8. I will NEVER be treated as dirt in my own Home.
9. My children will ALWAYS treat me with respect.
10. I have the right to my privacy regarding all issues.
11. I have the right to expect my children to call me dad or some variation of dad.
12. I will be consulted about all financial issues regarding this family.
13. We will never discuss marital issues in front of children, nor will we disagree about discipline in front of children. We will Always show a united front and discuss later out of earshot of child our disagreement.
Our marriage is our FIRST priority, and we will address all issues together.

The StepChild’s Bill of Rights
1. I will be allowed to discuss and make suggestions in the decision making process for things that directly involve me, i.e. my schooling, my visitations, etc.
2. I have every right to my feelings and to have them addressed to learn to express them in a respectful way.
3. I have the right to have limits that are set within reason and basic enough that I can understand and follow them.
4. I must be allowed and/or earn reasonable “privileges” while living with or visiting, i.e. whom I can visit and when, etc.
5. I will not be solely responsible for housework, chores will be distributed equally and fairly.
6. Others may not violate my private space, nor take or use any of my possessions without my permission or reasonable suspicions.
7. I will NEVER be treated as dirt in my own Home.
8. I have the right for my father’s home to feel like my own home.
9. My parent and stepparent will ALWAYS treat me with respect, even if they don't like me.
10. I have the right to my privacy within reasonable limits.
11. I have the right to be part of the process of choosing what I am allowed to call, or not call my stepparent.
12. I have the right to be completely oblivious of financial issues, marital issues, etc. unless I am a direct cause of such issues. i.e. asking for too much additional stuff. NOT child support, etc.
13. If I am the cause of above issues I have the right to be involved in a discussion regarding them in an unthreatening manner.
14. I have the right to believe my biological parents are the best people in the world.
Our family is our FIRST priority, and we will address as many issues together as possible.

Responsibilities

The Stepparent's Responsibilities
1. I will be an active part of the decision making process in my marriage and family at all times.
2. I will express my feelings in a respectful manner.
3. I will set resonable limits and goals for my stepchildren, spouse, family and myself
4. I will be conscious of consulting my spouse (and stepchildren when appropriate) about children that are living with or visiting us, whom they can visit and when, etc.
5. I will do my fair share of chores without complaint.
6. I will consult everyone involved in all matters concerning this family.
7. I will not violate others' private space, nor take or use any of their possessions without permission.
8. I will NEVER treat others as dirt in their own Home.
9. I will ALWAYS treat my stepchildren with respect, even if I don't like them.
10. I will respect my spouse and stepchildren's (within reason) right to privacy regarding all issues.
11. I will compromise and come to a fair determination of what a child is allowed to call me, or not call me.
12. I will discuss openly all financial issues regarding this family i.e. child travel, schooling etc, as long as it affects me too.
13. We will never discuss marital issues in front of children, nor will we disagree about discipline in front of children. We will Always show a united front and discuss later out of earshot of child our disagreement.
Our marriage is our FIRST priority, and we will address all issues together.

The Biological Parent’s Responsibilities
1. I will be a part of the decision making process in my marriage and family at all times.
2. I have every right to my feelings and to express them in a respectful manner.
3. I will be responsible for my children's actions and the consequences administered.
4. I will be conscious of consulting my spouse (and children when appropriate) about children that are living with or visiting us, whom they can visit and when, etc.
5. I will do my fair share of chores without complaint.
6. I will consult everyone involved in all matters concerning this family.
7. I will not violate others' private space, nor take or use any of their possessions without permission.
8. I will NEVER treat others as dirt in their own Home.
9. I will always treat my children with respect.
10. I will respect my spouse and children's (within reason) right to privacy regarding all issues.
11. I will act worthy of being called dad or mom and not try to be my children's "buddy".
12. I will discuss openly all financial issues regarding this family i.e. child travel, schooling etc.
13. We will never discuss marital issues in front of children, nor will we disagree about discipline in front of children. We will Always show a united front and discuss later out of earshot of child our disagreement.
Our marriage is our FIRST priority, and we will address all issues together.

The StepChild’s Responsibilities
1. I will abide by the decisions made in family discussions even if they were not my suggestions.
2. I do my best to learn to express my feelings in a respectable manner.
3. I will abide by the limits set for me and accept the consequences gracefully for testing the limits.
4. I will do my best to maintain and/or earn reasonable “privileges” while living with or visiting, i.e. whom I can visit and when, etc.
5. I will do my fair share of chores without complaint.
6. I will be respectful of all discussions and issues involving the family.
7. I will NEVER treat others as dirt in their own Home.
8. I have the right for my father’s home to feel like my own home.
9. I will always treat my parent and stepparent with respect.
10. I will respect other's privacy.
11. I will compromise and come to a fair determination of what I am allowed to call, or not call my stepparent.
12. I will not butt my nose into financial and/or marital issues.
13. If I am the cause of above issues I will do whatever I can to help come to a reasonable solution.
14. I will accept the fact that even if I think my other parent is the best person in the world, there are at least 2 other people who care for me and deserve to be acknowledge sometimes.
Our family is our FIRST priority, and we will address as many issues together as possible.
I really hope this helps! 

Name: Hezz | Date: May 15th, 2006 4:34 PM
Thanks, Jen. I needed to hear that today. Good advice! 

Name: pam | Date: Sep 7th, 2006 8:05 PM
thanks so much for this, it helps alot 

Name: VeggieMom2B | Date: Sep 7th, 2006 9:28 PM
I am a step mom myself for 5.5 y/o girl. I am preg with my first biological child. She stay mostly with her mom. We have her every second weekend and once a week we are taking her out for dinner. At first it was very strange. My feelings were confused about where is my place and role in her life. The ex is extremely jealous and trying to make her think that she (ex) is number one in her life and not her dad. Before he met me he did not have much confidence with her and I could tell that she(ex) did not give him encouragements and push the "father daughter" relationship. I lover my husband and know he can be a good dad. I took it as a challenge to make their relationship better no mutter what the ex do, think or say. It is very obvious that she is jealous when we are a family now. My husband has way more confidence now and we are both a great team when it comes to raising her. I am very proud to have his kid now, and I extremely happy that my kid will have a big sister (she does not know yet).
I say- stay focus on your life with your hubby and step kid. Treat them like if they were your own, make her them loved. Also never badmouth the ex in front of them or even when are around. Kids are smart and can figure things out. Try to be civil and polite to the ex (even if she wont be the same to you) it is very important for the kids, after all the ex will always be in your life rather you like it or not. If the kid(s) see that you love them and respectful of their mom they will appreciate it. Your step kids are a gift like every child is. Just love your hub and help him be a good dad, the ex will try to sabotage but do not let her intimidate you, just always smile and be nice to her and the kids. That is all J 

Name: VeggieMom2B | Date: Sep 7th, 2006 9:31 PM
by the way, they were married for 17 years, and we are married 1 year and 4 month now :-) 

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