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Name: lucie
[ Original Post ]
Being Bulimic isn't fun, tasting bile as I wretch promising it will be the last time i make myself sick.

Months ago compared to taday I can see that my tendancies are changing.

I'm sorry but I am going to just write about a normal day its sick the detail that I am going to go into, I just need to get it off my chest.

6.00am Breakfast I eat 2 small apples & have 2 appetite suppressing tablets.

12.30pm Lunch I eat a salad sandwich no butter & on weightwatchers bread (50cals per slice)

6.00pm Dinner as I prepare my salad sandwich for the following day i consume a large amount of cucember ( to line my stomach )so when I make myself sick later I Know when I have emptied my body of junk food because cucumber comes up!
After I have made my sandwich I cook chips, have a microwave lasagne, crisps, anything that I can get my hands on.
When I am full to the brim I go to my bedroom where I have hidden food I purchased earlier from my local supermarket- consisting of aerosol cream ( squirty cream! ) to go with chocolate cake and doughnuts.
I start to eat the chocolate cake with lashings of cream, I eat and eat and eat barely even tasting the food but making sure I drink enough diet coke inbetween so I have peace of mind that when I am sick it is 'sloppy' enough to come out with ease.

I then line my carpet with newspaper and open a carrier bag which I vomit into I can't seem to mak myself sick using my fingers anymmore so I have to stick something else down my throat- I buy these hair curler foam things which a bendy and they cost about 5 for 12 which las me a couple of weeks.

The food comes out of my body through my mouth so easily because like I say I drank enough diet coke and chewed food very well so it just comes out sloppy. After most of the food has came out I stuff more choclate, more cake, more crisps till I am full and then I make myself sick again until this time I see the cucumber come up which means I can stop making myself sick.

I have tissue to wipe my hands and the hair curler as I can use that for the next days session.

I tie the carrier bag and put it in another and tie that, then I place it in a black bin liner and keep it in my wardrobe until I can get rid of it.

After all that it's about 9.00pm and i'm tired cus of just making myself sick, so I go in the shower and straight to bed waking up at 5.30am ready for the day that lies ahead, i get ready have my 2 apples for breakfast and as I leave the house for work I take that black bin bag and dispose of it in our dusbin outside.

I drive to work like nothings happend and start thinking about what i'm going to binge on tonight............

At the moment I am at work I can't wait to finish at 5.00pm although I am going to so as soon as I am finished at about 6.30pm I will stop off at the supermarket on the way home- stocking up on junk food and go hone to a night of binging and purging all over again.

I hate that I even know whats foods are best to eat as they come out easier when I make myself sick, like chips with mayo, crisps and cheescake.

Well thnk you, I just needed to actually write that down and like I say get it off my chest because I have no one in person I can speak to and on here I have told people bout my problem but never all of it not all of it exposed- so there it is thats me that is what I do as disgusting as it that is my life.


Thank you

Lucie
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Name: ally murphy | Date: Nov 10th, 2006 10:38 AM
You done really well to post it on the site. I dont think i will be able to do it. I would like to but im to ashamed and horrified by what i do. Im bulimic to and have been for 6 years. I like eating all the junk food and then watching it come back up it the best feeling. Knowing that all the bad has gone away.

The only person that knows about me is my bf and he hates it i don't tell him everything and even lie when he asks if i have or not. I just dont want to hurt him. And what he doesn't know won't.

I dont eat anything all day and then i stuff and stuff myself when im home and then im sick for about an hour coz i want it all to be gone.

I want to say well done again.

Ally :o) 

Name: lucie | Date: Nov 10th, 2006 11:05 AM
Thank Ally that means a lot x

Why don't you post your story on here it will make you feel alot better????

No one even knows who you are-that's the best thing cus you can pour your heart out and get help and advice and its up to you how much personal info you give out.

Is your bulimia a result of a weight issue or control do you reckon?



Name: ally murphy | Date: Nov 10th, 2006 11:48 AM
Thank you.

I did write a bit about myself called need to talk but someone said if im pregent i should get help but im not so don't know what they were talking about.

I think its a bit of both.

I always feel fat and ugly and i can control it so that makes me feel better.

I had alot of issues when i was younger and this has been the only one i can control and do it because i want to.

My bf always says im beautiful and stuff but i just smile i cant even say thank you because i dont belive him.

I dont no what to do next.

x x 

Name: lucie | Date: Nov 10th, 2006 12:29 PM
I think i read your post and i was a bit baffled when that woman said summat bout being pregnant! lol

I knpw that there is more tendancies than just one with bulimia cus when I was 14 I would just throw up every meal I ate but now I am binging on food to then be sick?!?!?! its weird

Why do you feel so bad about yourself for? its tge inside that counts remember!

what are u up to at the moment- i am at work on my lunch just munching through that salad sandwich.


Name: ally murphy | Date: Nov 10th, 2006 12:49 PM
Thats what people dont relise their is more to it than just being sick its in your head. And you eat loads and loads so you feel really sick and then be sick.

I dont understand when people say just stop because i cant just switch it off but everyone thinks you can.

Im at work going on lunch in a minute but wont eat anything.

I don't know why i feel so bad about myself. When i was 8 my mum and dad split up but that didn't bother me. But when i was 12 i moved im with my dad he used to do some horrible things to me that i haven't got over yet.

I like the control i have over myself when i do it. I feel like no one else can touch me.

Where do you live and how old are you?

x x 

Name: lucie | Date: Nov 10th, 2006 1:02 PM
i am really sorry to hear that you have had troubles in the past with your family-if you ever want to talk bout them im hear to listen, if not them i wont mention it again.

I see wot you mean, it's not something you can just switch off because I also view it kinda like an addiction- dunno if you can see what I mean but it's like an addiction everynight-thats how mines feeling at the mo.
And on the weekends I am just constantly binging and throwing up.

I'm sure my ED is about control rather than weight cus i'm not that unhappy i'm 5'11 and am size 10/12 but then again everyone has wobbly bits don't they.

Im 19 by the way and live in staffordshire England, i'm guessing your not from america]?!?!


Name: ally murphy | Date: Nov 10th, 2006 1:59 PM
Thank you for being there. My Dad was really horrible to me when i was younger. He used to beat me and then he raped me when i was 16 the only person who knows about that is my BF i have never told anyone as i think people will judge me.

It is an addiction i would agree its like a relif from everything.
Im only 5f4 and size 6 but i feel fat i wear baggy clothes to hide it and noone at my work have a clue what i do.

I hope you don't judge me by what i told you. I cant belive i told someone.

Im 19 to and live in reading in England.


Name: lucie | Date: Nov 10th, 2006 2:33 PM
well it means alot that you've told me. sorry for everything you went through- im not gonna say what everyone says like "i know how you feel" because i do not know how you feel. But damn that sure is a terrible thing.

Size 6 is diddy chick have you always been that size?
People can tell you all day long you have a great figure but it won't change how you feel bout youself will it......

I promise you i won't and have not judged you.

xx 

Name: ally murphy | Date: Nov 10th, 2006 2:45 PM
Thank you for not judging me.

It was horrible but hopefully i will get over it.

Yer but i dont see it as little i have been smaller than what i am i had to wear a 10 year olds tops before coz i couldn't find a size to fit me.

People can tell me all day that im tiny and this and that but it wont make any difference. I feel like they are lying and just saying it to please me.

Sorry if i sound like im going on a bit but i've never spoken to anyone in so much detail before and im getting it all of my chest now i feel really guilty.

Sorry.

xx 

Name: lucie | Date: Nov 10th, 2006 3:00 PM
don't worry bout it get it off your chest, ive bin babbling bout myself all day so you go ahead. What job have you got are you enjoying it.?

My control issue is because my life is all crazy at the mo, my aunty is ill, my sister in-law is ill, and my brother in-law is ill- they are all in hospital, my job is stressing me out, ive just been promoted but i have also been accepted to Uni so don't know what to do.

And cus im working so much ive hardly been able to go out with my friends and im missing that so whateva time i have on my hands is taken over by my ED.

Have you had breakfast today?


Name: ally murphy | Date: Nov 10th, 2006 3:12 PM
I work in Admin got a promotion to about 2 months ago really stressful but i like it.

Ahh you poor thing that must really suck.
How long have they been in there for long and will they be ok?

Its going to be a really hard decission but you will make up your mind. What do you think will give you the best future? What course did you get accepted for?

I never go out anymore i never have any money left because to be honest with you i think i spend it all on junk food and then it ends up down the toilet.

No i never eat breakfast cant bring myself to coz if i do i feel really sick and then throw up.

Why do you ask that?

What job do you do?

xx 

Name: lucie | Date: Nov 10th, 2006 3:26 PM
i work with stocks and shares, just been promoted to Assisstant Registrar of the Company . YIPEE!

my UNI course is a nursing diploma totally different i know but my dream is to do child pyschology.

The family that are in hospital ranges from bone marrow treatment to clots on lungs which as you can gather is quite serious.

I bet we spend a fortune on food don't we and we are literally throwing our money away.

I only asked if you ate breakfast cus i know you mentioned you didn't think you were gonna have lunch and i was just a bit concerned if you hadn't eaten all day.

I get in seriously bad moods when i eat nothing- i snap at everyone but when im in the middle of binging im the happiest gal on the earth- i wish my emotions weren't all tied in like this but they are.
im dredding this weekend cus i have plans to go out saturday but i honestly haven't been out for months, i don't know if i've got the confidence in me still.

So wot you up to when you finish work?

xx 

Name: ally murphy | Date: Nov 10th, 2006 3:39 PM
My dream was to be a midwife but i got scared of meeting new people so chickened out plus i didn't get brill grades at school and i didn't want to retake things.

Ahh bless them i hope they will be ok.
My throughts are with you and if you need to talk about them thats fine.

I bet its a fortune on food i bet we could buy a house with all the money. lol.

I don't really eat in the day and if i do it comes back up coz i hate the throught of food being inside me. I only eat chewing gum coz it starves my hunger.

I know what you mean i hate my emotions being all messed up i wish my life was easy but oh well thats just how i am.

I think you should just go for it you may love it or hate it but you dont know until you try. Just try to enjoy yourself.

Im not doing anything after work prob just being ill like always.

You up to anything?

xx 

Name: lucie | Date: Nov 10th, 2006 3:51 PM
Well i am meant to be going to the gym straight from work thats all, then i will probably start the cycle of binging of as soon as i get home.

Hasn't you family or anyone ever questioned your eating habits.
My mom does she either says put weight on or her other favourite is " i don't know how you can eat all that and not put weight on"

I know she knows bout my ED cus she found out years ago. and i am 100% sure she knows its back, she has mentiong a couple times asking if ive been sick.

what do you usually binge on. and if you don't mind me asking how often do you see your bf, like do you only binge on the nights your not with him??

You should be proud you have a bf to stick by you honestly because my last bf knew i had problems with food (my mom told him i had been bulimic in the past which was embarassing and shamful trust me!) but i found i was looking for the control in our relationship, i just pushed him away that much that we had to break up, i have had relationships since then but they've never lasted longer than a couple of months :-(


Name: ally murphy | Date: Nov 10th, 2006 4:13 PM
When i first started i was living woith my Dad and he didn't give a toss. But when i moved back in with my Mum she knew and tried to help i said she did and that i've stopped but i haven't i don't know if she knows that im doing it again. Everyone at work say that like why "why don't you eat" or "have mine if you have no lunch" so to shut them up i do then im sick.

I binge on things like chocolate, crisps, chips, doghnuts anything that i can grab really. I've even had a kebab and indian together coz i wanted to eat it quick.
I see my bf most days but i dont see him until about 8 and i get home at about 6 so thats when i do it. Ihave a load of food kept in my room under my bed and my mum always buys stuff for her and then she will ask where it has gone.
I drink loads of water whilst im binging because it comes up easier.

He has stuck by me alot but i don't tell him half the time coz i scared that it will push him away coz it has taken over my life.
That must of been so embarassing when your Mum said that i would of died.
Does your Mum understand it?
That must of been hard. My ex didn't understand he would say if you dont stop we are splitting up.
There will be someone who will understand you if i found someone you will trust me.
Do any of your friends know?

xx 

Name: lucie | Date: Nov 10th, 2006 4:43 PM
yeah i found the key is drinking loads of fluid cus it softens the food.

My mom doesn't understand and like will all fear our friends wouldn't understand cus they are not going through this. i honestly have no one face to face to confide in, ive tried but haven't got the confidence.

I thought with my mom knowing again i would stop but i haven't because then thats my control taken away.

ive lost friends through this by declining offers to go out ive lost endless amounts of guys and i have pushed the one person away from me who i thought i was falling for, i messed him around and he was the only person i truly cared for. He was my rock when he was around everything was fine.


xx 

Name: ally murphy | Date: Nov 10th, 2006 4:58 PM
Ahh babe im really sorry. They is someone i know its hard i didn't think i would find anyone but i did and i really love him and if i didn't have him i think i would die.

You think it would put you of losing someone who you really care for but it doesn't it s so destrutive. I really feel for you babe. I cant begin to understand what you feel like.

Im always here if you need a chat do you want my email?

I've lost friends through it to because i won't go out or anything. I just dont feel right and i bet you feel the same.

xx 

Name: linnerz | Date: Nov 13th, 2006 6:46 AM
hi lucie, iv just joined this forum im 23 and was anorexic from 14 to 17 then bulimoc iv not really spoke much about it but your story here sounded exactly like a typical day for me x thanks for your honesty it was like a calling x for a while now iv been feeling like im crazy because i reckoned the things i do with food are insane and that nobody in the world can do what i do but obviously there are normal people like me who have a bad relationship with food, im a nurse and feel like im 2 people 1 normal me working good job own house good mates then second me crazy messed up head hooked on food n hanging my head down a loo, id like to tell more bout me to you get it off my chest xxx 

Name: lucie | Date: Nov 13th, 2006 9:59 AM
Hey Ally,

I dunno how you get away with being sick then facing people cus i never could get away with it cus my eyes water n i go red in the face, it's so obvious.

I can understand wot you mean bout your bf giving you a hug right after it's like it makes it ok??!!!

Answer to your question, about a month ago yes i would have liked to of stopped i was thinking that i neede to get my life back and live it properly and was really trying, but now i look at it like this,
*i can just about to afford it
*it's mine i control it
*i have time for it
*it gives me pleasure and makes me happy that i can eat what i want for an hour or 2 then just spend say 30mins throwing it all or as much as i like of it back up.

so i really don't know any more ally, how bout you??do you want to stop?


xx 

Name: ally murphy | Date: Nov 13th, 2006 10:05 AM
Well i was in the toilet for 15 mins but everyone was drunk so didn't notice. I cant if im at home coz they will all know.

Thats how i feel to like its my body and i want to control it and doing this is the only way i know.

I got a letter the other day from my doctor saying that he has refered me to and eating disorder person. I dont want to go though coz it the only way in my eyes that i can control myself.

xx 

Name: lucie | Date: Nov 13th, 2006 10:31 AM
OMG really? How does your doctor know??

Cus i just wish sometimes i had the nerve to get myself to my doctor and tell him but i cant cus he is pretty much a family friend and i feel abit intimidated by him cus he is very friendly and he is very judgemental.

xx 

Name: ally murphy | Date: Nov 13th, 2006 10:49 AM
When i moved to my Dads and my step mum found out she told my dc so whei moved to my Mums my new one knew and has told me i have to go. I really dont want to though i don't know if im ready for any help yet.

xx 

Name: lucie | Date: Nov 13th, 2006 10:58 AM
aww chick that's a tough one!!!

does it say in the letter exactly where you will be going and what you will be doing??

Do you want to get better or are you thinking that there will be one great big VOID in your life without it?

I reckon if you stuck at whatever help they give you then you will recover most likely but it takes alot of guts and hard work....

xx 

Name: ally murphy | Date: Nov 13th, 2006 11:17 AM
Its to see a eating disorder speclist and a nutrionist.

I think i will feel lost at first and i will be bloody scared. I think i will have to go on my own but i want my BF to come.

I hid the letter from my mum though i thought she would go mad.

xx 

Name: lucie | Date: Nov 13th, 2006 11:22 AM
it would be nice for your bf to go with you cus not only is it support but it will make you both stronger as a couple.

did any of your friends find out bout what you have been going through.?



Name: ally murphy | Date: Nov 13th, 2006 11:41 AM
I would like him to come but then he would relise how bad it is.

One girl from work was looking over my shoulder when i was emailing you and read what i put. I didn't know she had seen until today coz she asked me about it.
It has pissed me off a bit coz i didn't want anyone to know.

xx 

Name: lucie | Date: Nov 13th, 2006 1:36 PM
wot a nosy tramp!! has she shut up now??

well i do not think i am ready to stop so i can't imagine how or when i will but time flies by, i keep thinkin tommorrow i will stop, then the nxt day and before you know it it's been weeks and im still doing it!

xx 

Name: lucie | Date: Nov 13th, 2006 2:46 PM
hey ally just to let you know i have emailed your yahoo address xxx 

Name: purpal2002002 | Date: Nov 27th, 2006 1:44 AM
I am sorry that you are going thourgh that . You are not alone .There are others . I am glad you shared that with us .You got that out and wrote on here and admit to what you do . I hope that you do seek help . You are a strong good person .Yes You .. 

Name: disorderautumn | Date: Dec 6th, 2006 1:10 AM
i may have missed it but what do you do when you eat during the day? it seems you dont like this style of life so why dont you stop? 

Name: lucie | Date: Dec 6th, 2006 9:28 AM
Yeah I do eat in the day but very limited. When i wrote this post i had just an apple for lunch, sandwich for lunch and my dinner i would throw up.

Now i have cereal with alpro soya milk for breakfast and a salad for my lunch and now i snack on apples throughout the day. in the past week i have made myself sick just once and that was sunday.

The only thing that stops me is when i am busy busy busy. like when i finished work last nite i just had tine to go home and get ready to go to the pub, then straight after i went to the cinema with my other mate, i didnt get home till half 12 so even if i wanted to, i just did not have the time. 

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