Hi i have been fighting with anorexia on and off for years it was initailly brought on after i was bruitally gang raped and even though i was not fat at the time it was one thing that became embeded into my head and now fourteen years later after coninually trying to push the rape away whichi i had never spoken about i started therapy after trying to kill myself which is completely stupid and rediculus becasue i have the most amazing husband and three healthy beautiful children yet i always seem to take ten steps forward then another ten back, anyway i am starting to have flash backs and nightmares again and my therapy sessions are about to start again she wanted to go through the whole thing again, everyone believes i neeed to talk about it to prcess it and move on because it was never dealt with or accepted, how can i ever accept what happened to me? i have suffered a minar heart attack from taking too many laxatives and i have been eating three small meals everyday without no laxatives for two weeks but i know everyone thinks i need to continue therapy which i can see it has heled but it also destroys me and triggers anorexia all over again, i don;t want to go there again i don;t want to die i want to live but without the nightmares and without anorexia continually haunting me, has anyone else gone through similar and have any advice, i am on this chat line becasue i find it hard to open up or talk to anyone, i hate getting close to people and ihate when they call me special because seriously who am i anyway? just a screw up, who would notice me gone? I want to be the person i once was but don;t know how to get there, my therapist tells me my whole thinking and vision of myself is wrong! how do i know that is true when she only sees me once a week? how do i put my trust in her and in others when i have trusted or not spoken to people about anything to do with me for fourteen years? Sorry for dribbling on, i am feeling ok after the Christmas break and the closer my counselling session gets the more worried i get, i just don;t know if it is the right choice to keep going but i know how dissapointed everyone will be if i don;t and i have already been a big enough dissapointment
Help kel ↓
|