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Name: LostOne211
[ Original Post ]
I know it's hard to just say it, or even think about it, but I am living with bulimia and I want to confess to someone finally because I have only told one person during the 2 years I've suffered. I want to ask you all to please feel free to tell me your story and why you started with your eating disorder as well.

Here it is, I'm going to be brutally & completely honest:

About 3 years ago I went off to college out of state. Alone. When I went my grandmother who had been suffering from diabetes for years, became a little more sickly and was constantly in and out of the hospital the whole time I was out of state. Eventually they had to start amputating limbs... I couldn't take this. I ended up transferring back to a school that was in the state where my family lived (CA) and wanted to visit my grandma as much as possible because I hadnt been able to in the past and I felt like I had abandoned her by leaving for school. I stayed a whole year with my parents, visiting my grandma at her new "hospital home". I spent the night with her every night and finally when it was closer to her death I had to leave (moved to a dif. part of CA) I said my goodbyes but I still had hope I would see her again somehow. About a week after I left (sometime during the summer), my father called me to tell me the news I dreaded. She had died. No one was home with me,, my bf was at work an hour away, I had no friends where I was living, and I didn't have the strength to hold a conversation on the phone.

The first time I threw up was out of pain, pain from her death. When I threw up that day it was comforting, it made some of the pain feel like it was drained out of me.. and it made me numb which is what I wanted. After that day I threw up every day EVERY SINGLE time I ate. I lost 40 lbs. in two weeks. I've never been a skinny girl. The rapid weightloss pleased me. Then I began doing it half for the pain I was going through and half for the weightloss. Everytime I had a bad day I would throw up extra times. If I fought with my bf, throwing up was my way of feeling better. No one knew, not even him.

I've gone up and down since then.. at my best I went two weeks without inducing at all. But it hasn't been much better than that. Right now I am doing it about 4 times a week or more. I can't eat to where I feel full because that makes me sick. The full feeling disgusts me now. I can't eat something that is unhealthy like fast food because even if I don't get full it disgusts me so much that I can't allow my body to digest it so I throw it up.

I've told one friend about my problem, a friend who suffers from drug addiction.. I figure that we are both suffering from a life threatening addiction and don't want anyone to know so that is the only reason why I told her. I would never tell my bf. He'd be angry that I'm hurting myself. My parents wouldn't understand either. My dad has been an alcoholic all his life and my mom can't quit smoking.. but they still wouldn't understand.

I'm lost.. I know its bad for me... I know about nutrition, it is part of my major in school, yet I can't stop this. I don't see anymore physical effects, weightloss stopped its just stabilized right now. I'm tempted to throw up again everytime I eat but I try not to go back to there. I feel so guilty that my boyfriend who I live with, that loves me so much and is my best friend doesn't even know about this. I want to scream.

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I hope you all can relate.. I know nothing that we say to eachother will really make us feel better, but it's comforting to know that I'm not the only one suffering and that I'm not alone.
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Name: LostOne211 | Date: Dec 1st, 2006 9:59 AM
wow I just realized by reading my own confession, this is the first time I am not in denial. I always told myself I didn't have an ED but it's obvious I've had it... and for a long time. 

Name: lucie | Date: Dec 1st, 2006 1:32 PM
Hi well done for writing this, i hope you feel a bit better for doing so.

I confessed my story on here a couple of weeks ago ( it is call Bullimia in explicit detail).

I have been living with bulimia for about 6years- the time has fled by, When it started I was a naive schoolgirl and now as I am in Adulthood i am still living in this world of, wot shall i binge on to throw up next e.t.c

My ED started when I was 13 then dissapeared but always shows it's ugly face again. I recently knew my bullimia was returning when my life went crazy, my aunty was and still is very ill, my friends were seeming to disapear and my life was consisting of full time work and 50 hours extra overtime a month.

I needed stability and comfort and I would just take it out on myself by making myself sick.

Since Wednesday just gone I have resisted the urge to make myself sick and am doing well, but the weekend begins tomorow and with all that time on my hands i do not know how I i will cope.

On wednesday I promised Ally, who comes on this site that I would try and stop and I have been sick since. It is because of her that I am trying to see this through.

Lucie

xx 

Name: lucie | Date: Dec 1st, 2006 1:33 PM
soz meant to say that I haven't been sick since i promised her :-) 

Name: benedict_14 | Date: Dec 1st, 2006 7:19 PM
hi, LostOne211..glad to hear from you...

i understand your situation, and so does a lot of people today. confessing your situation is a step towards your fight against it, and i can see that you are very willing to end your "addiction". no, you are not lost..you know what this situation is doing to you and your body and have known and understood its effects. and the truth of the matter is that the change that you are hoping for depends on your determination and love for those who you know is affected b your situation, mainly yourself.

you are never alone in your battles. a lot of people are into these things. a lot of people can relate to this topic, and so you shouldn't be so down. it does help in understanding our situation and our hopes.... 

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