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Name: Alyssa
[ Original Post ]
Hi Everybody,
I'm going on six months and all throughout my pregnancy I've been alone. Alone in the sense that the father hasn't been around. I have support from my immediate family but it's not the same thing. We dated for a year but now he's moved on and is dating somebody else. When I first told him I was pregnant Dec. '05 he gave me two options: abortion or adoption. He name called me and wanted nothing to do with the baby. Mind you, he's 38-years-old and my son will be his first born. He doesn't call me and has never shown up at the doctor appts. I've sent him ultrasound pic. via e-mail but he doesn't want to deal with it. He's asked me not to send him anything until he asks for them. The last time, I talked to him was two wks. ago. He told me the new girl in his life doesn't know about the baby on the way because he doesn't want to ruin his relationship with her. He said he was going to be there for the baby and that he would go to my next appt. A week before my appt. I went to dinner with my girlfriend and ran into him having dinner with the new girl. Seeing them together made me cramp and I went up to their table. He was surprised to see me since he had never seen me pregnant and the last time we saw each other was in Dec. when I told him I was pregnant and he pushed me out of his house. He was very nervous and I made it a point to let his new girlfriend know that him and I were expecting a baby. She was stunned.;..didn't say a word and all she did was stare down at the table as he said, "I told you, I'm gonna take care of everything. I was going to tell her tonight." I left and they stayed there. The next a.m. he texg msg. me and said to leave him alone. Needless to say I haven't contacted him or his parents since. His parents haven't looked for me either. And surprise......he didn't show up at the doctors appt.
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Name: Jill | Date: May 1st, 2006 12:01 AM
I can understand where you are coming from, but can you understand where he is coming from? If a woman gets pregnant and then decides to abort that's all there is to it. If she decides to keep the baby that's all there is to that. What about the guys opinion? He told you he wasn't interested in parenting and suggested abortion (I am totally against it) or adoption and you said no to both ... that's not fair to him. If you told him you were going to get an abortion because for whatever reason you were not ready to parent and he asked you not to you probably would take the attitude that it's your body and you will do what is best for you. I just don't think it's fair to guys who are faced with an untimely pregnancy, they have little to no choice but to do what the girls decide. You wouldn't want someone to tell you you had to do something you weren't ready for or willing to do, why would you push someone else to? 

Name: dan | Date: May 1st, 2006 12:03 PM
i am 21 with a 2 year and 1 year old daughters. but my wife left me . i love my kids dearly and if i can do anything let me know. write me any time. i am full of useless knowledge. i know on thing and that is keep his parents out of it right now. you r arguement is with there son. but when the baby comes around let them see the baby. trust me. i have been through a lot and though it may not make sense it is the best way to do things. email me and i will tell you more.
[email protected]

dan hellastud 

Name: Hi Dan | Date: May 1st, 2006 4:46 PM
Can i e-mail you too? I have the same problem.... 

Name: lia | Date: May 2nd, 2006 9:28 AM
SORRY ABOUT THE TYPOS, IM IN THE DARK LOL 

Name: Lupe | Date: May 2nd, 2006 8:15 PM
Jill I disagree with you sorry but Dan and Lia hey I think you are so right I say give him a chance to deal with the fact that he is going to be a daddy and tell him you know I'm not going to bother you any more if you want to be in your baby life be if not then I will leave it to your conciense (sorry for the typing ) I do believe that just like there are bad guys there bad girls Dan I Know what you go through My brother is in the same situation and his wife left him for some man that beats her and makes her do things that she wouldn't be doing if she was wioth my brother. She did to left him their 2 boys and he has raised them so far al by him self she has tryed to get back with my brother but he got so disapointed that he told her that he didn't wanted to know she excisted on this planet . He lets her see the boys but at moms house and only there she can't take them or any thing I don't blame him she made the wrong descision and not because his my brother but because I am a mom too and theres no way I will ever have the heart to leve my baby like that but naw girl (Alyssa) I think you for one did the right thing to let the girl know so she could be carefull of that ass hole sorry the expression,but you should also concidere giving him time to get his act together and if he comes around then fine if not then oh well . to bad for him. You know my mom always says that when some one does you wrong and you leave it at gods hands that person who caused you pain will get it back times three. good luck god bless every one best wishes lupe. 

Name: Lisa | Date: May 2nd, 2006 10:54 PM
Give the baby HIS last name and go after child support,you and the baby at LEAST deserve that much from the low life deadbeat.And for future reference I hope this taught you a valuable lesson. 


Name: PAULINE | Date: May 3rd, 2006 1:29 AM
I AGREE WITH JILL. WHAT ABOUT THE FATHERS RIGHT TO CHOOSE. IT IS WRONG TO PUSH A BABY ON SOMEONE WHO IS NOT READY, INTERESTED, OR PREPARED TO PARENT. IF THE FEMALE WERE ANY OF THE ABOVE SHE WOULD HAVE THE LUXURY OF MAKING A DICISION REGARDLESS OF THE MALES INPUT -- IT'S NOT FAIR. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF SOMEONE FORCED AN ISSUE YOU WERE AGAINST. MEN HAVE RIGHTS TOO!!! 

Name: Becky | Date: May 4th, 2006 4:43 AM
In response to Jill. That is completely BS. If he didn't want the responsibility of being a father he should have taken precaution. Whether he likes it or not he is the father and he needs to take responsibility for his actions. He did have a choice when he chose unprotected sex. Now it's about responsibility, PERIOD! 

Name: Annie | Date: May 5th, 2006 2:58 PM
You don't have to give your baby his last name to get child support. I've been through this 3 times. First leave the man alone. All you will do is stress yourself out. I know it's lonely & hard not to but really it will make him hate you more if you keep trying to see/call him. I would focus right now on trying to get as much info you can about him. For instance a mailing address, phone numbers, job info,etc. When the child is born, you need that info to file child support. If you want him/his parents in your childs life, contact them when the babies born. If nothing else, you will need to contact them to get as much medical history you can. This might help you in the future. Try to build a great support system around you. You mentioned a gf, try to keep these friendships strong. I too made the mistake of thinking that the older a man is the more wiser/mature. But I am wrong. Your baby can sense stress. It will be much happier w/o people involved who don't want to be. I think for a lot of us, we need to see reality for what it is. We can't carry their guilt or control their choices. It's not the new GF fault either. I'm sure if it was up to him, she would've never known about the baby. I bet his parents aren't too thrilled with him either. Right now he's prob just trying to survive. Whether he tells you it or not, I'm sure in his lonely hours he thinks of you & hates himself for his situation. 

Name: TAMMY | Date: May 5th, 2006 3:06 PM
the guy is a complete loser and clearly not worth your time ! move on without him. He will one day regret it and by then you will have moved on and he will suffer! Keep your head up for you child 

Name: Alyssa | Date: May 5th, 2006 7:42 PM
Thanks to all of you for your response. As my last e-mail states, I haven't contacted him or vice-versa. I don't plan on it. I figure why force him to be a part of my son's life when he doesn't want to. He's only going to make him suffer in the long run. I gave him the option and he chose to walk. His choice. I also don't plan on going after him for child support. I can support my son on my own. I just rather him not be in the picture at all. If his parent's contact me one day wanting to see the baby, of course, I would never deny them that right; but I'm not going to be one looking for them. I'm doing better now than before; meaning I don't feel as though I need him in my life. I truly believe that God doesn't put you on a path he doesn't think one can handle. I know that I tried to include him and he chose to walk. It's his right to choose. I choose to raise my son the best I can and not stress about his decisions. 

Name: v | Date: May 8th, 2006 5:49 AM
its so great u have been able to move on and have so much faith in the universal/God's order. i know how it feels to have a
person u care about be able to move on so easiley and forget about u...its hurts so much...especially the father of your unborn son. stay strong and forget about the negative input people give. he needs to realize that he needs to be responsible for his actions and has no right to tell u what to do with your body. he got u pregnant and should know what might happen when one has relations with someone...the risks and along with that comes the risk of preganancy and the chance of having to deal with the womens choice to choose what to do woth her bady. remember that opinions come from peoples own damage and experiences. just keep yur head up and he will get whats coming to him. what goes around comes around. 

Name: prettti momi 2be | Date: May 10th, 2006 5:03 AM
For Jill: I absolutely disagree with you!what right's? the male in this situation gave uphis right to say anything negative when #1-he took off hte CONDOM or didn't inquire about birth control & #2-when instead of putting his selfish need first,sticking around if even omnly for 9months to insure the safetest and healthiest delivery possible. #3- the fact that he waould even date another woman and attempt to make her happy and make her smile and abandone the mother of his FIRST CHILD! how dare he or you even think about RIGHTS and at his age 38.you got some nerve JILL! imagine if this was your daughter or grandaughter or YOU!!!if he weere younger maybe ...maybe I couild understand the situation . But he's a GROWN ASS MAN practrically a SENIOR CITIZEN and once he decided to penetrate without a CONDOM all his NEGATIVE RIGHTS were over! Now Allysa: letme tell you THUMBS UP!!YOU GO GIRL!!! I would have done the same thing as far as hios newgirl friend is concerned,I understand that it 's not her fault , but you know deep down inside it made you feel alittle bit better. I mean honestly he deserved it because chance are he wasn't going to tell her no time soon trust me and it's unfortumate for her but,as long as you did it very lady like,and politely ( because its not what you do but the way you doi it ;) ) then screw him and if it made you feel good to make him miserable then SO WHAT!!. he should be there and he wouldn't be having these problems just keep your head updo your best to look you bestwith the weather changing, treat yourself if you can to manicures and pedicures. when shop transfer all you positive emoitions into that moment and smile as much ass you can Iknow it's hardbut put the rest in the lords hands and he'll carry that butden for you I wish you all the best and JIll you have a good day. 

Name: prettti momi 2be | Date: May 10th, 2006 5:07 AM
Allysa, sorry for the typo's but I was pretty revved up lol! 

Name: Alyssa | Date: May 10th, 2006 8:41 PM
Thanks pretti momi 2be. When I confronted them at the restaurant I wasn't disrespectful to her or to him for that matter. I realize she's the innocent one in this situation - and you could tell how taken back she was. My problem is with him not her. And now, it's not even with him. At this point I don't even want to deal with him. I have to think about my son and do what's best for him but I don't know how I can put my resentment toward the "sperm donor," if you will, aside. 

Name: big mama | Date: May 17th, 2006 12:10 AM
I ran into my baby's daddy when I was about 6 months along. He was at the store with a girl. We ended our year long relationship because I didn't want to murder a baby and I didn't think Iwanted to have a baby for someone else to raise.
My son is due at the end of June. On Mother's Day (Of all days) he came by we spent the day together. He kept rubbing and patting my belly saying he could believe what we did. He wants to be their when the baby comes and ask if he could move in. This is all to fast for me. Right now I hate the way I look.. the doctor told me the baby is over 6 pounds and has more growing to do. I know from reading sites lots of womenlove their growing bellies but I am carrying this baby out front and even my sweats don't fit around my belly. I just can't figure out why he wants to be with me now 

Name: TK | Date: May 17th, 2006 3:55 AM
He may be 38 but he has the integrity of an infant. I hate to sound cliche but you are better off without him 

Name: Lynne n | Date: May 17th, 2006 7:51 AM
Hi i agree with lisa go after child support! 

Name: Jill | Date: May 17th, 2006 3:00 PM
Hello!! It takes two! If the woman is so concerned about getting pregnant she should insist on him wearing a condom and provide it if he doesn't have one. Why does everyone insist that an untimely pregnancy is due to the negligence of the man? I don't think it's fair to force a man who does not want to parent to do so -- he voiced his preference -- abortion or adoption. If the woman made either of those choices on her own chances are 100% the abortion would have been performed and pretty high for adoption. Regardless of your opinion men do have rights and in this arena they are being over-looked -- not my opinion but fact. 

Name: Brooke | Date: May 18th, 2006 2:19 AM
Jill,
First off, how do you know a condom wasn't used? Were you there? Even if it was used.. don't you know birth control is only 99.9% effective? Which means there is ALWAYS that 1% possibility of pregnancy. And you're right about men having choices....He made his choice when he decided to have sex and take the chance. His rights aren't being overlooked in this arena. There just aren't any guarantees whether birth control is used or not. AND "THAT'S A FACT."
P.S. are you sure your name is not Jack? 

Name: Chelsea | Date: May 18th, 2006 2:27 AM
Im going through the same thing... This guy of mine is supposidly married, but didnt tell me , after being together almost three years, till i got preggo..

HUN, you can do this.. wait until the baby is born, then call his parents and offer that they can see it.. if he doesnt wanna be a part, tell hijm thats fine, he doesnt have to SEE the child, but he has to pay for it. then MILK HIM! 

Name: Jill | Date: May 18th, 2006 2:52 AM
You are all fighting for the woman's rights here and not even considering that the other side of the equation deserves equal rights. An egg and a sperm are required to create a pregnancy -- where do you all think the little egg comes from ... the woman. She is half the blame yet you all think she is ALL innocent and has ALL the rights to make ALL the decisions. I am very much tired of hearing about woman getting pregnant and then getting pissed off for not having the support of a man who told her from jump street that he was not interested in parenting. If the condom broke well at least he was trying to prevent a pregnancy and the use of contraceptives just points out again that he is not interested in parenting. If you don't want to parent alone and you're not in a committed relationship stop having sex. 

Name: brooke | Date: May 18th, 2006 2:57 AM
Jill,
You sound like a bitter woman. But like you said, it takes two. You don't know whose fault it was. Bottom line is that it is both their responsibility. Maybe you need to go relieve some anger, if you know what I mean. 

Name: Jill | Date: May 18th, 2006 3:58 AM
I'm not bitter at all. I really am just so sick and tired of hearing woman complain that the guy she is pregnant by is off doing who knows what with who knows who. If you can't rely on the guy to stick around what the hell are you doing wasting your time with him to begin with? If you want to sing and dance you've gotta pay the piper. Oh and I have no idea what you mean!! 

Name: jamie | Date: May 18th, 2006 4:09 AM
I recommend you make a decision weather or not you want to leave the door open or not and you should let him know asap 

Name: Brooke | Date: May 18th, 2006 2:26 PM
Jill, If you don't want to hear about it.....then what are you doing in this forum. In case you are unaware this is the single parents forum. And many times people don't know how others will react until they are put in such a situation. People react differently to the "unexpected," per se. 

Name: pretti Momi | Date: May 18th, 2006 3:15 PM
4 JILL: you just can't be serious if you don't want to hear abotu this then what the hell are you doing here?And to let you know, my point is as such: it doesn't matter if the relationship is a committed one or not. If he's a jerk he's a jerk! she never said they weren't in a committed relationship. AND IF HE KNEW HE FELT THIS STRONGLY AN=BOUT HAVING CHILDREN THEN HE SHOULD HAVE NEVER EER PUT HIS SELF IN THIS SITUATION. OBVIOUSLY, SHE DOESN'T HAVE A PROBLEM BEING PREGNANT OR SHE WOULD HAVE TAKEN HIM UP ON HIS SUGGESTION'S SERIOUSLY, IT'S WOMEN WITH OPINIONS LIKE YOUR THAT HELP MEN AVOID BEING FAMILY MEN AND DADDY'S INSTEAD OF PAYING CHILD SUPPORT LIKE THE CHILD IS A BILL OR SOMETHING. YOUR DAD SHOULD HAVE TREATED YOUR MOM LIKE THIS THEN MAYBVE YOU WOULDN'T EVEN VE HERE TO BE IN THIS FORUM ! 

Name: Heidi | Date: May 18th, 2006 11:07 PM
I think the new girlfriend needed to know. Our divorce was final on Sept 30th. The 3 years we were married I never got pregnant We never used any protection. He started dating in October. We spent one farewell night together toward the end of October My baby is due July 25th. He wanted me to abort the baby,when that didn't happen he didn't want his girlfriend or his family to know. He and his girlfriend got engaged at that point I thought it best to let her know that hew will be making support payments toward his baby. Now he wants DNA testing after I have the baby . .This is fine by me. I haven't told his family yet but as my due date gets closer if he doesn't or I don't hear from them I will. Alyssa,Leave him alone and have an attorney do your talking. You don't need him for appointments. He did his part and now you get a beautiful baby out of it. I think it was good for the new girlfriend to see you and now she sees what kind of person he is and that she may be the next one to be in your spot 

Name: Jill | Date: May 19th, 2006 4:20 PM
If woman would empower themselves through education they wouldn't need a man to support their baby. Guys have rights and they are being overlooked!!! Why is it ok for a woman to abort a baby that the father is willing to care for it but not ok for a man to bail when he's the one who isn't ready? Double standard. Woman want all the "rights" that men have and yet they don't act accordingly. If you want the same rights, job opportunities, and wages as men start acting like you can handle them. 

Name: ? | Date: May 21st, 2006 8:57 AM

Name: Taylor | Date: May 21st, 2006 5:56 PM
Jill you need to go elsewhere and advocate for mens rights. This forum is not about that. It's for single parents who are dealing with an issue and want some support. What's your negativity doing here. I suggest you go join a mens right's association. You can start by visiting http://groups.yahoo.com/group/mensrights/
and leave this forum alone. 

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