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I recently got divorced and am now a single mom. I have four children (ages 3, 6, 8, 10) - all boys! - and I have to say I am more than a little bit scared at the prospect of raising them all alone. My ex has moved across the country and has basically surrendered all custody to me. When we had our boys I was happy to know that they would have a male influence in their lives. Now that they only have me, I am worried that I won't be able to offer them the guidance that they need. I don't even know how to play basketball! How am I even going to begin to teach them to be men. If there are any other single moms with boys out there, please give me some advice. ↓
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| Name: Fab | Date: Aug 20th, 2005 5:04 AM |
| Hi I ve been raising my three boys alone for the past year and a half. I would say 5 years but my ex was in the same city until a year ago. Mine are 10, 8 and 6. Im also pregnant with number 4. I have the same thoughts...how am I going to teach them to be men but i think the best way to teach them how to be good men is to teach them how to be good people inside. I encourage discussions with my kids to find out what they want and what they think. They know that I take their ideas into consideration. I have been considering sending them to live with their father because i dont want to have them grow up girly. You will give them all they need but it will be harder ↑ |
| Name: Alex | Date: Aug 23rd, 2005 8:05 PM |
| Being a sinlge parent is hard. You ave to be mom and dad at the same time. I think that you have to be strong because no one else will love them like you. Get involved with playing sports and any other way to interact with them. They could be put in basketball and you can go to the games. I know the YMCA offers good rates for children of single parents. you are not alone, you can write me at [email protected] if you need a friend. ↑ |
| Name: moe | Date: Sep 13th, 2005 4:34 PM |
| I have been raising boys alone for 15 years and I will tell you no matter how much you want to be everything you are the mom and trying to be both can be a big mistake. I have spent hours finding good male role models for my kids and it has paid off now in adulthood they are thanking me for teaching them that no matter what I am the mom and even though I was great at soccer and baseball I willing let good male coaches take the athority role instead of me. ↑ |
| Name: SHerry | Date: Oct 1st, 2005 10:50 PM |
| Dear Roselle: I found the answer to this one after trying to build up my son's masculinity on my own. The answer is, boys just plain NEED be around men. The safe and wonderful ways I found to do this is clubs focused on certain interests. This year it's air guns, scouts, and archery. In each case, I got lucky. And I'm not talking about my non-existent sex life!. The air gun club only has about a dozen kids - parents have to attend for the 9 - 14 age kids. There's three mature men that help coach and one 18 year old. All are great, down to earth, honest men. My son is on fire for the sport and the coaches because he can learn from his own species (can you imagine what a relief that is???). Second: Scouts! Again, I lucked out (after interviewing nearly a half- dozen couldn't-care-less others, mind you). I found this scout master with ten years experience who was raised by a good mom and an alcoholic dad, so he is compassionate. And there's about seven or eight other men and a couple moms also involved so there's no hanky panky. It's well organized, but non-pressurized, and that's what I'm looking for. Something that is fun, but useful. And last, next Saturday we'll start Archery -another small group with a dad coach who literally has a couple Olympiads in his group. They even take the kids out for a boar hunt at the end of the season. This man, very happily married, was actually abandonned by his father. So he is real compassionate also. Anyway, this way, my kid's sense of self and self-esteem grows while he has fun and gets to see men who are worthwhile emulating. And, he has plenty of places now to direct that testosterone-driven energy besides ARGUING with me! Before now, I kind of kept "hanging around" intact families, hoping the fathers would take an interest in my kid - but none ever did. So, forget them. I am moving on and we're going places and doing things. How about you? Get busy outdoors, chess club, etcetera. They will have a blast, and so will you. Besides, there might be some single fathers in these good groups when you're ready. ↑ |
| Name: bigdaddy | Date: Oct 4th, 2005 9:25 AM |
I gotta say...
I was raised by a single mom and the male role model thing has to be taken with a grain of salt. First of all, it is more important to have a single loving parent than it is to have one parent and some stand-in person or activity. Yes, sometimes the latter works, but don't stress out making that a priority. It might well backfire. Your boys will take care of each other. Finding them butch activities (guns, cars, ballgames, etc.) are NOT necessarily more healthy than generalized family oriented activities--boy scouts do not present the rounded social experience that CAMPFIRE provides. It's your choice, I just slightly uncomfortable that folks seem so obsessed with stereotyped masculine activities. Masculinity is not "built," as parents of less-butch boys have learned the hard way. Self-actualized boys are happy boys--very different. BTW, I was a Big Brother for 19 years--a great program. One of the healthiest things the organization did was merge with Big Sisters--both for the kids AND the adults attracted to the program. Are you catching my drift?
Meanwhile, not to forget you--you need support. Being the only sit-down in a household of stand-ups can make you NUTZ in ways males have a hard time understanding no matter how hard you try. It's the, "Oh my gawd, they're watching football, teasing me, farting, wrestling, and there's food all over the livingroom. Get me out of here!" Find someone with arms you can melt into, even if you have to PAY them (therapist).
And I have a man-to-man message for your ex-:
"YOU, sir, are a first class JERK." ↑ |
| Name: teresa | Date: Oct 9th, 2005 3:01 PM |
Just remember your not alone, I also have boys that I am raising alone. I started with our church and the youth and asst. pastor to spend time with them. I also sign them up for sports through the local youth teams, which some have discounts for low income families or more then one child playing. The coaches have a great male influnce has well. Then you learn to play basketball, as you teach them have them teach you what they know. I have learn the hard way that they don't stay little forever, you only have them for what seems some days alot longer, but really a short time. what they have now is what they will remember when they are older. And that means alot then words can put it. The main thing that helps me is I know that God helps the widows and the fatherless. Its in his words!! He is one Father who don't walk away, its us that walks away from him and his help. Children are truly a blessing. God has put them boys with you for a reason. And he is there to help you!! Just have Faith in knowing that He wont put to much on you, that you can't handle. He really must have trust in YOU :for you to have them. And He is there to walk you through it. sincerely, FROG
fully rely on God ↑ |
| Name: Dana | Date: Nov 5th, 2005 6:38 PM |
Hello. I am too a single mom with 4 children (3 boys and a baby girl). I know that you wanted some advice and i don't know that i have any to offer except not to baby them. My boys are 10,8 and 6 as well. I have been by myself since my 6 year old was 4 1/2 months old. Let me tell you - i have no idea how mom's do this. I would also like any advise that you may receive. I have such a hard time with them being nice to each other. They wanted so much to be close to their dad - so about two months ago - i picked up my whold life and moved from pennsylvania to virginia beach so that my boys could see their father. I really thought that it would be better - but they still only see him every other weekend and i get no support from him with dealing with them or with child support. I go to bed at night with all of the same thoughts that you mentioned. How can i show my boys how to be men??????? They are not horrible boys, just very unhappy and angry boys. I feel like they blame me for their father not being here. My daughter's father is in jail after trying to choke me to death because i would not get an abortion. I get no help with child support from him either or his family. Sometimes I believe it would be easier if tehir fatehrs would sign over their right s and have nothing to do with them. God forgive me for saying that, but I really believe that it just makes things harder. I know that this is not what you were asking for - lol - but i would really love to communicate with someone that kinda goes throught the same things as i do. Maybe together, we can make this single mom with boys thing work in a really positive way! Hope all is well and god bless you and your kids.
dana ↑ |
| Name: KIMBURLI | Date: Dec 1st, 2005 4:27 PM |
| HEY ROSELLE, YOUR NOT ALONE OUT THERE PARENT HOOD IS A LONG ROAD,BUT ONE OF THE GREATEST.I HAVE 3 BOYS 3,6,8 I HAVE NEVER BEEN MARRIED,I WAS 14 WHEN I GOT PREGNANT WITH DYLAN,18 WITH AUSTIN,21 WITH CHASE AND ITS BEEN A LONG ROAD BUT ITS MADE ME THE PERSON I AM TO DAY,BEING A SINGLE PARENT HAS MADE ME STRONGER,MORE INDEPENDANT,AND MORE APPRECIATIVE.YOU HAVE TO HANG IN THERE. ↑ |
| Name: Robin | Date: Dec 12th, 2005 11:12 PM |
| Hi Roselle, I became a single mom when my son was 7 years old and as now started his first year in college. His father was of no help in raising him with the exception of teaching him how to hun and fish, but by the time he was 10 my son disliked going with his dad and things went down hill with their relationship from there. Keeping God first in my life was VERY important and my son knew God was first, family second and work third. I have been very fortunate that he has stayed away from the drugs. It has NOT been easy but I feel very lucky he and I are very close. Keeping a schedule for him was one if the things that I found worked great. Also his male teachers and coaches were good roll models and my son looks up to my dad, which we have tried to visit at least once a month and talk regular on the phone. Having a lot of faith that God always provides at just the right time has really helped, I also included my son in my feelings on faith, which I am still teaching him. This is a life time lesson as my father is stil teaching me. My son now tells me that I have had to be both mother and father to him, and thanks me how for having rules and sticking to them. He also hows that when he becomes a father he will not treat his children as he has been treated. He lives to become a good father and husband. He even says that the one thing it takes to do that is putting God first and trusting him. He also has no plans to marry til after college and establish a career to be able to provide for his family. Like I said, it isn't easy, but all good things never are and thats what our children are, the best things in our lives. ↑ |
| Name: Angelena | Date: Dec 19th, 2005 3:06 AM |
| I am a single mom of 3 boys ages 11,7,5 And let me tell you its hard, but one of the most rewarding things ive ever been through. My oldest has a different dad then my 2 little ones. But there both jerks and do not see my nboys at all. I do not get child support . But thanking god i do have a real ggod job. My children are straight a students and are respectful. but very hyper. Alls you can do is stay strong everything else will fall in to place. ↑ |
| Name: Depressed boi | Date: Dec 24th, 2005 2:14 AM |
your kids will probably turn out better than you think... im 16 and my parents ignore me entirly im alone and depressed
if you try at all i doubt that they will be angry or frusterated with you just try not to try play favorites thats what my parents do ↑ |
| Name: nancy | Date: Jan 16th, 2006 12:44 PM |
| just like someone to chat with now and then, have i son soon 21 one husband if i could i sell him but my luck no one would give $1.00dollar so just wanted to find some one to talk , if you want chat back nancy ↑ |
| Name: rhonda | Date: Jan 26th, 2006 9:49 PM |
| to whoever is out there that can relate , i am raising a 6 yr old on my own , no family support , i lost my mom to a killing 4 yrs ago and my dad and brother died 6 mo apart , some days i just dont even want to get out of bed , im stressed to the max and i need some support ,please somebody heellpp! ↑ |
| Name: terri | Date: Jan 29th, 2006 8:30 AM |
| rhonda if you want some responses you should post your question under a new topic ↑ |
| Name: Jo | Date: Jan 30th, 2006 1:01 AM |
| Hi Roselle, my husband basically had another life I knew nothing about. We were married 7 years and have two sons. 7 and 4 now. My grandfather was dieing when i was finding out about what was going on. When my sons and I went out of town to the funeral he moved everything he owns out of our home. My neighbors were the ones to tell me. It was and still is devastating to have such betrayal. I have my sons all the time with very little support since my family lives twenty hours away. I have no life of my own. As far as the male influence, and yes it is important but i think can be found in simple settings..church, neighbors, you don't have to look far. The most important thing I think is having one parent who truly cares and loves them and puts them first. ↑ |
| Name: krystal lee | Date: Jan 30th, 2006 10:24 PM |
| hi im givin birth 2 triplets and givin birth in 14 weeks and im comin 14 in 8 days if any one wants 2 talk please dont hesatate 2 typexxx kryssie ↑ |
| Name: laura | Date: Feb 4th, 2006 6:39 AM |
Get lots of books out of the library on raising boys. Find a family whom you admire that has boys and ask them what they do to raise such nice boys. Find out what challenges lay ahead, and plan now as to how to deal with them. Look into getting a Big Brother for your oldest 2 boys. And, most importantly, take care of yourself - try and get enough sleep and eat well and make sure you get yourself and all of your boys outside to a park or somewhere for 30 minutes a day so they can burn off some steam and the fresh air will do wonders for you as well. And, when you are all feeling squirelly, take a walk - it does wonders. Signed a soon to be single mom of 3 boys. Take care and good luck.
P.S. - You are lucky to have 4 as they will no doubt play together in 2's so you can practice your basketball shots while they play - just joking - actually, they probably won't care if you don't play basketball - just take them to the park and do whatever you like to do - remember they are boys - they will always find something to do on their own. Also, contact your local community centre and YWCA to see what programs and support is available for single moms in your area. ↑ |
| Name: bev | Date: Feb 11th, 2006 12:29 PM |
| i only have two boys but i worry about the same things- how can they learn to be men when i am the only active parent? I have them in football and baseball - and the coaches are really good and they respect them so that helps. Also when they have men teachers, that seems to help. I try to TELL them that women are women and men are men- but what I tell them and what they see are two different things. I have this fear that they are going to marry women and expect their wives to do EVERYTHING just because I did. I think all we can do is love them and show them love, if it makes you feel any better, i dated a man who was raised by a single mom, dad was very hateful and mean to him and left when he was very young, and he was so good to my kids, he threw their birthday parties, went to their school plays, etc. I know a lot of men who were raised by single moms and are great husbands and fathers - its hard to say - i see so many kids raised by the same parents and one is an angel and the other a troublemaker, i wish i knew what to do- all we can do is like i said, love them and do the best we can and know that we did our best. My boys are so different and so they both have to be taught differently, so i know it must be tough for you. I can't play basketball either, but as long as you are there to cheer them on, you are giving them so much support. And a point to ponder, when the cameras are on a professional football player, whats the first thing they say...... "hi mom!" ↑ |
| Name: KENDRA | Date: Feb 12th, 2006 5:12 PM |
| relax. raising a boy into a man is not as hard as some may think. i have been raising my son on my own since i was 15. and he is great. he is disciplined, honest, mannerable, respectable, considerate. heck he is the man i would love to marry. if you raise your boys to be the husband you want, they will be just fine. women as a whole are afraid to raise men, which is why we have so many big boys that are over age 21. if they don't get it from somewhere, they won't get it. your boys are still young enough for you to mold them into men. patience, endurence, and respect on your part is important. if they can see mama as a respectable woman, they will respect her, and other women as well . the goal for any mother is to see her son marry a nice woman and treat her good. treat them like men, and they will grow to be men. feel free to contact me with any question. @ [email protected] ↑ |
| Name: Gina | Date: Apr 4th, 2006 7:21 PM |
| Boys are difficult to raise ↑ |
| Name: karim | Date: Apr 7th, 2006 11:56 AM |
| Name: bethany | Date: Apr 7th, 2006 6:01 PM |
| I would say find a babysitter and go out to find a decient man like go out clubbing or something,thats how I found my man i have 3 kids and the man that im with naw acepted my kids,if u can find someone like that tyhan ure have no trouble bringing your kids up ↑ |
| Name: lynette | Date: Apr 9th, 2006 12:17 AM |
| Hi! Roselle I am a single mom also, my husband and I seperated only 4 wks ago. But I am usually the one home with the children all the time so basically I was raising my 2 kids myself. My daughter 11, my son 5. One thing I know is you can only be mommy as long as your kids know you love them and also staying active with them helps. Teaching them football and male sports there are programs in and outside of school that can teach your boys, and as moms we are just supportive of what ever their intrest is. Well I wish you all the luck with your new beginnings. ↑ |
| Name: gorg | Date: Apr 13th, 2006 1:46 PM |
| Name: baby j | Date: Apr 19th, 2006 3:43 PM |
| dont worry mama. ur ganna make it. thats what independent women r all about. ↑ |
| Name: desi | Date: Apr 20th, 2006 2:03 AM |
| hi i am 3 very active boys on my own and it can be rough at times trying to raise them with there father in there life i am also clueless about sports ↑ |
| Name: queenwright | Date: Apr 28th, 2006 1:57 AM |
| Name: Lisa | Date: Apr 29th, 2006 12:01 AM |
Hi
I am also a Mother of four boys and divorced since 2003. ↑ |
| Name: hector | Date: Apr 30th, 2006 5:11 AM |
| Name: sharena | Date: May 1st, 2006 5:23 PM |
| I have 3 boys and my 4th is on his way ( due 5-11-06). My children have other postive male influences in their lives. My father and my brother. If immediate family is not available to you I would suggest getting them involved in sports. ↑ |
| Name: lilhun | Date: Jun 19th, 2006 4:34 PM |
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