I need some advice on dealing with my family. Here's the dilemma:
I have 2 brothers (24 and 29) and both of them are extremely materialistic. Actually, in general, they are just downright nasty. We didn't grow up with any extended family whatsoever, because our mother is extremely anti-social and disowned her entire family and my fathers (which includes me, as of about 3 years ago when i got emancipated and moved out) and my brothers are completely loyal to her. She calls them "her boys". My father, who divorced my mother because she slowly got worse and worse over the years interacting with people, and I, are on the complete opposite side of the fence.
Since getting married I have really tried to mend things with my mother and brothers, and have since given up on my mom for now, but I have no clue what to do with the boys. They constantly talk about how my husband isn't as good looking as I am or say things like "you're pretty... why dont you go marry a doctor or something?" In general they just think he's "below me". I've tried to explain that I love my husband and my husband even took my oldest brother to the last three Seattle Sonics playoff games of the season (really expensive tickets, courtside) to try and win him over, but as soon as the game was over he went right back to hating him.
I really dont want my kids to grow up like I did, with no family to speak of, and all that resentment, but I don't know what else to do besides just cut them off. I have a really traditional view of family, and I feel like my loyalty is with my HUSBAND before the three of them. He's my family now, and the one whos feelings I should be looking out for.
As of right now none of them have even been to my house, and i only live an hour away (i've been gone for 3 years). I've seen them a few times, but each time I had to travel to meet them and I wasn't allowed to bring my husband or stepson. We've bought them gifts, sent them cards, and tried talking it out over the phone - but i just can't bring myself to go and meet with them again if i'm not allowed to bring my husband. i feel like that is disrespecting him.
Am I way off base here? Is there something else I could be doing to somehow get my husband in their good graces (and myself for that matter)? any advice would be great. ↓
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| Name: nicole jones | Date: Jun 16th, 2006 1:17 AM |
| I really apologize for the length of that post.. beleive it or not, I did TRY to keep it short. ↑ |
| Name: Julia | Date: Jun 16th, 2006 5:13 AM |
Nicole-
Wow! I am in a similiar situation as you!! I was reading this and could not believe how similiar my Mom is to yours! She also cut off all her family (she was adopted and felt she wasn't wanted anyway). She suffers from serious bi-polar depression and was horrible to me growing up. I am the complete opposite of her and refuse to allow her to bring my family and I down. She hates it when I am happy or doing well for myself, it is so sad. My ultimate goal in life is to raise my children completely opposite of how she raised us! Isn't that just so sad? So I feel for you and understand what you're going through. I no longer have contact with her either. I wish things were different, but I have learned to accept it for what it is.
I would not continue to try and make your brothers accept your husband. What horrible behavior! What did he ever do to them? They do not like him and will not accept him in their home because he is not good looking enough? I really hope that is not the only reason? Did your hubby say or do anything to offend or upset them? I am sorry, but it is their loss if they do not want you guys in their family circle. Do not bang your head over it, it is not fair to you guys to always be worried and stressed over it. I refuse to allow people to interfere in my happiness. Geeze, hearing this makes me so mad!!! Why are people so heartless and cruel, especially family! It's just amazing to me. Please do not push the issue anymore, let them come around if they choose to, and if they don't, oh well! Go live your life to the fullest and enjoy your family. You sound like a great person and do not deserve it. I am so sorry you're going through something like this. If you ever want to chat let me know! Good luck! ↑ |
| Name: Julia | Date: Jun 16th, 2006 5:18 AM |
| P.S. We are moving the pacific NW soon, just not sure if we want to buy in OR or WA. Maybe we will end up close to each other?! :]) ↑ |
| Name: nicole jones | Date: Jun 16th, 2006 8:13 AM |
thanks so much julia, that makes me feel a lot better to know somebody else has been through this. i have been having a hard time dealing with mutual friends of my mother and i, and even with strangers, telling me that "it's just mother daughter stuff" or chastizing me for being harsh with my "only mother", but the truth is that she isn't all there, and it was very very difficult to live with her... eccentricticities, to put it kindly.
as for my brothers, sadly, that is pretty much their only basis for not liking my husband. they claim it is because of the age difference (19 years, which i know is a lot, and they would have the right to be upset about that) but they never minded that before i married him. they are very much into social status, even though neither one of them has any to speak of (ones a college drop-out, and the other got kicked out of the navy because of a drug habit).
i still feel some guilt about giving it up, for my stepson and any future kids sake, but i guess my husbands family will have to be enough. luckily they have been more than accepting.
i would love to chat with you more (my msn e-mail is [email protected]) and that would be lovely if you moved to the northwest, it is beautiful up here. what brings your real estate search all the way up to these parts? ↑ |
| Name: Julia | Date: Jun 16th, 2006 11:19 PM |
No, you are not alone! It's very unfortunate, but sometimes we just have to look out for our own happiness and the happiness of our children. I feel bad as well as far as my daughter and future kids not being in her life, but at the same time I do not want them around that negativity and nasty behavior. We can only handle so much and at some point you just have to accept it for what it is. That is really awful that those are the reasons for treating you and your hubby that way. You are stronger than me that's for sure! I would have told my brother (I have one and he's older) to have a nice life without us in it if that is how he is going to treat us! You have his family and if they accept the age difference, then those are the kind of people you want your kids growing up around! Understanding, loving, accepting, and caring people!
I will send you an email and give you the 411 on my moving situation. ;) Chat with you later. ↑ |
| Name: maxieellis | Date: Jun 17th, 2006 2:51 AM |
Ladies you are correct. Hi Nicloe...honey you just continue to be you. Thoughtful. But the thing is some people just dont want to be won over. Ya know...it would then prove their belief incorrect? They like it their way. Stop trying. Just be pleasent when they call if ever...and move on dear. To be asked to leave your family at home in order to visit them ... is and outstanding request! Do they deserve that? It may validate their behavior all the more by accepting and following through on their requests. And too...the flip...if you were your husband and stepson...how would you feel............yeah see. Nope honey...you have wonderful family values and to at some point the effort must come from their end. Enabeling that nasty business not one of you should should be a party to it. You have done your part...over and over...its their turn. No unkind words need pass....give them time and space.
Dont apologize for the length of any post. Heck we dont even use paper!LOLOL! If its too much for anyone to read they just click...its cyberworld!
Yup...I am a smidggie behind trying to catch up....but the heart is in the right place. ↑ |
| Name: nicole jones | Date: Jun 17th, 2006 4:05 AM |
| thanks so much for the encouragment maxi! you guys have helped a lot (especially in validating my feelings about leaving my husband and son at home! for a while i thought i was the only one who thought that was horribly disrespectful) it's nice to know that people understand. ↑ |
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