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| Name: Stephanie | Date: Feb 16th, 2006 5:36 PM |
| I'm still too young to experience this, but the same thing happened with my parents (or so my mother says.) Now they no longer sleep in the same bedroom, let alone the same bed. Have you tried talking to your husband about it? Don't argue, but let him know what the problem is and maybe you both can find ways to negotiate without simply ignoring the issue and perhaps making things get worse. Good luck to you X ↑ |
| Name: dee | Date: Feb 16th, 2006 6:02 PM |
| Yes I have talked gently with him about this topic for 5 years. I bought books and bookmarked them. I cried over the hurt feelings and I have angered. He talks about his intentions to please me but never acts. I wonder how many married women have this or if I am putting up with it foolishly. ↑ |
| Name: Stephanie | Date: Feb 17th, 2006 12:44 AM |
| If this has been going on for five years and nothing you're doing seems to be helping, then maybe it's about time you consider other options. But you need to ask yourself what's important here. Where do your priorities lie? If this is getting in the way of your relationship together, if it makes things difficult and causes you so much hurt, then perhaps you should consider splitting up, or even, god fearing, divorce itself. But weigh all your options first and truly consider what's at stake here. Is your marriage more important than sexual satisfaction? Or is your marriage so in shambles that it's time to say enough's enough? If he loves you as he says he does, he would make the change. My mother stayed with my father despite his treatment to her, and she lives a truly lonely life now. He doesn't hug her, kiss her, nothing. I would strongly suggest you think of yourself here and what's good for YOU. You're the one who has to live with it, so do what's in the best interest of you. I truly hope things work out for you two. ↑ |
| Name: Michele | Date: Feb 17th, 2006 1:47 AM |
| Stephanie you said in a prior post that you are only 18, wow you are very mature for your age!! I agree, communication is the most important thing to a good marriage Dee and if he refuses to listen to you and take your feelings into account that doesn't bode well for other things in a marriage besides sex. ↑ |
| Name: Stephanie | Date: Feb 17th, 2006 2:16 AM |
| Thank you Michele ↑ |
| Name: Dee | Date: Feb 17th, 2006 3:44 PM |
| Thank you Michelle and Stephanie. My priorities have been my marriage and my 3 young daughters. Ages 4, 3 and 1. I know they will be happier children if we, thier parents, are happy. My Husband's parents had 5 kids and his mother said they had sex 5 times so my husband gets his character honestly. He is very controlling and puts me and the children down on a daily basis without even realizing what he is doing. He tried this morning to be intimate-not to be mean-but he doesn't have the slightest clue how to touch. I should be happy he tried and work with it. I am saddened that it took me angering in order to get him to try to be giving and quite frankly I think he just doesn't have it.. I think he went his whole adult life being a taker and this giving business is so unnatural and uncomfortable to him. And now he expects me to ooh and aww for him. It's like being with a stranger. it would be easiest if I can feel totally whole without him as a sexual partner but just a parenting partner. Being able to share my feelings about this delicate topic helps. Getting feedback helps so much. Thanks, Dee ↑ |
| Name: Laurie | Date: Feb 24th, 2006 2:30 AM |
| My husband is the same way, he expects me to do everything, and please him, and he doesnt try to satisfy me at all. We dont even kiss. I wonder if it might be because i was his first? We did split up for a few months a year back, and he slept with someone else. He told me about the whole experience (which i wish he didnt) and he was very intimate with her...i have talked to him about why he isnt with me and he says he is...but he isnt at all. Its always lets go have sex. I wish there was something i could do, but nothing seems to work. ↑ |
| Name: Jenna | Date: Feb 24th, 2006 3:01 AM |
| And birth control was supposed to give us women 'freedom'. Hah! It's made us sex objects for our husbands. ↑ |
| Name: Paula | Date: Feb 24th, 2006 10:16 AM |
| Laurie, I doubt that it's because your his first. Those who are virgins when they marry statistically report to have the most marital sexual satisfaction. There must be some other reason. I think it all comes down to how sex is viewed. Men do view sex differently just naturally, but I personally believe it is compounded by how we view sex as a society. We are told lust is love, and love is lust. But it is very different. Lust can rot away the love in sex, and then we have to struggle to put the 'excitement' back in. The people I know with the most happy sex life have strong religious values. They see sex as more then something that should be 'exciting' so therefore it just seems to naturally be exciting enough I guess. Selfishness on either person's side really has no business in the marriage bed. I am sorry whenever I hear women as well as men have problems like this. It is so unnecessary! But only a change in attitude ( or attitudes) is what will make it better. ↑ |
| Name: sarah | Date: Feb 24th, 2006 9:56 PM |
| I can sort of see a connection between these problems and the woman who was having a problem with her husband wanting her to have her tubes tied. I've only been married 2 years, and I'm already feeling different about sex. I thought it was because of the baby and so I see my body differently. My husband says I have a sick view of my body now because I don't want to do any more of what he calls the 'fun' stuff. I just feel different about it now. It's like now that I know what my body can do, I don't think he respects it enough or something. ↑ |
| Name: Deb | Date: Feb 25th, 2006 1:40 AM |
| I take stock in energizer batteries and by yourself a good vibrator!! I am one of the few lucky ones out there and married my best friend and he is completely unselfish- however he isn't the most endowed....so he had to learn to compensate. Possibly this is why he isn't selfish and trust me he has been the best lover I have ever had. The guys that look at themselves in the mirror and think with their units are usually the ones that are so self absorbed they don't bother to know you are even there. Has anyone ever been to one of those sex toy parties? I have almost gone a couple times- mostly because I could never go to an adult book store. One of my neighbors had one and had lots of wine, good food and apparently lots of laughs- and their husbands were even happier when they got home!! Michelle you are the work from home expert- have you ever heard of one of those parties? ↑ |
| Name: Deb | Date: Feb 25th, 2006 1:44 AM |
| No lie- soon as I got done typing my chat I went on line and my girlfriend emailed me this joke: Sex in the Dark There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turne! d on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device.. a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . .. you explain the kids." ↑ |
| Name: Michele | Date: Feb 25th, 2006 1:46 AM |
| LOL!! I love that joke!! Yes, I have heard of those parties, but I do not at present know anyone doing that or remember the name of any of the companies. I would sure love to be invited to one someday though...sounds like lots of fun!! ↑ |
| Name: Deb | Date: Feb 25th, 2006 1:47 AM |
| Here's another: It'll be us in 40 years!! A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?" The cl! erk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models." The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ? The clerk responds, "Yes we do." " Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offffff?" ↑ |
| Name: Jenna | Date: Feb 25th, 2006 2:09 AM |
| I'm absolutely shaking my head at you all. You complain about men being selfish in bed and then say the answer is to combat it with more selfishness. Husbands are selfish in bed because they think that sex is all about them. Not surprising considering birth control and encouragement of masturbation has made it all about the individual. Where is the mutual giving of self when a vibrator is used? We sterilize a lifegiving act of love and then we are surprised that love doesn't grow from it? It's so much easier to turn off the 'hard work' of making sex more then an act of pleasure, but then we complain about the consequences. Anyone know a couple who refuses to use artificial birth control? Take a look at their marriage and ask yourself if it is suffering from sexual unfairness. Studies have shown them to have the lowest divorce rates and express the highest sexual satisfaction, and they have absolutely no interest in sex toys. What sex toys offers them pales in comparison to what they already have. Sex is about mutual giving, not satisfying oneself. ↑ |
| Name: Deb | Date: Feb 26th, 2006 4:23 AM |
| Sorry Jenna- I completely disagree- there are sex toys that both of you can use to please eachother- do you wash your clothes witha washing bored? Do you cook food with a fire? They are called inventions that if used properly can enhance both of your sex lives. I completely agree with you that it should not be about you. The more I please my husband the better I feel- I was simply saying there are alot of guys out there that only care about themselves and if these women just happen to be stuck with them for the rest of their lives- and counseling doesn't work- a vibrator is better than a divorce until the "dryspell" passes and you are able to rekindle your love. ↑ |
| Name: Jenna | Date: Feb 26th, 2006 4:57 AM |
| A vibrator leads you away from the nuptial meaning of sex. A vibrator limits your sex life to just pleasure. It is better to grasp the nuptial meaning of sex and go way beyond the limits of sex just for pleasure. I'll repeat What sex toys offers them pales in comparison to what they already have. I can't imagine that anyone would want less then what they can have. Why even use a vibrator as a stepping stone when it leads you away from what you truly desire. While you are busy using a vibrator, you are ignoring how to solve the problem as a couple with open loving communication. Unless you have no desire for bonding marital sex. If what you want is just physical pleasure, then go for it. But don't claim that you are having something more then what you can get with any old guy, or even with just yourself. Most married couples desire their sex to be unitive and bonding and an expression of their love that helps them grow closer together. Things like vibrators may ease some symptoms of sexual problems, but it will never help in solving marital sexual problems, it will only distract from the problem getting solved. Yes, it is my opinion. And also the opinion of a large amount of happily married couples. The proof is in the pudding, as they say. The only women I hear talk about using vibrators are the ones with problems with their sex lives. I know the way the world sees it, people who have no problems don't have a 'need' to use a vibrator, but it is really the opposite. The type of people who would use a vibrator have more problems with their sex lives in marriage. It's the frame of mind that affects it. Good marital sex is arrived at by only having a non selfish attitude. Vibrators are selfish, it is making a statement that your partner isn't good enough. ↑ |
| Name: Jenna | Date: Feb 26th, 2006 5:03 AM |
| I daresay that Dee's husband is probably selfish in other areas of their lives, not just the sexual part of it. That is where the problem needs to be worked on. Marriage counseling would help if he was open minded about it. When his car gives him problems, I bet he doesn't ignore it and continue to run it without fixing it. Men have a tendency to respect their cars more then their marriages, then wonder what happened when it falls apart on them. When Dee's husband addresses his overall selfish attitude that I am betting he has, and becomes less selfish, that will be reflected in all parts of his life, including the marriage bed. If he is not selfish in other parts of his life, then he is probably clueless. Fortunately cluelessness is easier to address then selfishness. ↑ |
| Name: Deb | Date: Feb 26th, 2006 4:38 PM |
| Jenna Apparently, your ego is bigger than life itself for you to proclaim you can speak on behalf of the entire pool of happily married couples. I think you should take off your rose colored glasses cause honey, you would be rudely awakened if you saw what was going on behind closed doors in the bedrooms of your "pudding pools". Sex toys aren't just vibraters. As I was saying earlier- and she'd kill me if she knew I was even mentioning this- my friend hosted one of those sex toy parties- I didn't go only because I didn't know her at the time. It was an educated party on how to enhance your marrital sex life with your partner. It was only for women so they could feel comfortable asking questions without their spouse around. She ended up buying this ring that vibrates - he puts the ring on him while he is making love to her- and the vibrating ring - put it this way- doesn't have to make him work so hard to make her happy. My husband and I haven't incorporated any sex toys into our sex life yet- however, I will be the first in line when it becomes necessary or to spice up our lives, and who are you to tell me my marriage isn't as good for keeping an open mind to what technology has to offer. You are still living in the midevil times- where they burn witches on the stake for having any kind of belief, medicine was considered voodoo and women wore chastity belts. If sex with your husband is a beautiful sacred thing- how could you possibly scorn anyone who thinks that you should have pleasure when engaging in it? Let me quote you.... "Unless you have no desire for bonding marital sex. If what you want is just physical pleasure, then go for it. But don't claim that you are having something more then what you can get with any old guy, or even with just yourself." Here's a thought you might want to take to your bed tonight- you can actually have bonding marital sex- AND physical pleasure. You are a perfect example of how people use to live in the 60's- with an apron on and twin beds in the room to sleep in. Me, I'm I guess the "slut" with only an apron on, whipping cream and a big huge bed for both of us to engage in marital bonding AND physical pleasure. Tell me, is orgasm even part of your definition of marital bonding- or do you need to refer to your "pudding pool" of happily married couples to supply an answer? In addition- what is your opinion on watching a porn when you are married? Does that fall into your scorned category or does that rule not apply for video enhancements.....? ↑ |
| Name: Jenna | Date: Feb 26th, 2006 9:04 PM |
| Deb, "you can actually have bonding marital sex- AND physical pleasure." This is EXACTLY my point! Only I would rather rephrase that to read: Married couples are to have BOTH bonding and physical pleasure in order to have a healthy and truly happy sex life. Please reread my post again, you will see that I was misunderstood. "Unless you have no desire for bonding marital sex. If what you want is JUST physical pleasure, then go for it. But don't claim that you are having something more then what you can get with any old guy, or even with just yourself." A great man once told the whole world that it is the obligation of a husband to make sure his wife experiences physical pleasure, and that if she did not have orgasm before he, then he is to bring her to orgasm afterward. That great man was Pope John Paul II. (Theology of the Body) It is tucked in there with all his encouragement for the world to realise that sex is MORE then JUST for pleasure. Only in sex do we communicate so intimately bodily, mentally, emotionaly, and spiritually with each other. There is no other communicative act that we can participate in with another person that touches on all facets of our being on such an intimate level. Sex toys focus on only one facet, the physical, at the expense of the emotional, mental, and spiritual parts. It is one thing if the woman or man is having physical difficulty in pleasuring their partner, but such is not the problem with a high percentage of people. The problem rather is that 1 of the 3 out of the 4 necessary facets in a truly beautiful sex life is missing. It is missing because we as an advertised society are being bombarded with the only 1 of the 4 facets that can be commercialized and profitable. The mental, emotional, and spiritual side of sex brings money into no one, (except maybe for honestly empathetic marriage counselors). Only the physical side can bring in profits, so we get advertisement left and right "Is your sex life suffering? Buy this! It will make it better!". As a result, we have forgotten about the other 3 important facets, and when they suffer, no sex toy will make it better, because only solving the problem at it's root will improve it. Would you drive a car with 3 flat tires, and just keep refilling air in only one tire? People turn to sex toys when their sex life is lacking. But almost always (granted not always) the areas our sex lives are neglected in are one if not all of the other 3 facets. We are bombarded at every turn about the physical side of sex, we really do not need any more help in that area. But the other 3 facets, the mental, emotional, and spiritual sides of sex are almost completely if not indeed totally neglected. But they are JUST as important! So when our sex lives suffers, it is only logical that it is because of these areas, which would affect the physical side just as much. Dee's husband is SELFISH, her words, not mine. This means that he is not THINKING of her best interests. Once he starts THINKING (mental side of sex) of her best interests, then the physical side will naturally fall into place. It's not that he's incapable, she did not say he was impotent. It is his choice to not put her first. Neither is he RESPECTING her (emotional). If he respected her, then the physical side would naturally fall into place. It is not I that speak for the whole pool of happily married couples, it is study after study of the happily married couples speaking for themselves. Yes, it is possible that all these self proclaimed happily married couples are lying, but why would they? How would they benefit by lying? When people discover ways to be happy and healthy, they want to share that with others. According to Robert T. Michael,( et al., Sex in America: A Definitive Survey, Boston: Little, Brown and Company, 1994, pp. 127-130.) " A highly-acclaimed University of Chicago study of sex in America found that among women, conservative Christians were those most likely to report they always had an orgasm during intercourse. While that finding does not prove causation, the high correlation between spiritual commitment and sexual pleasure prompted the researchers to note that the image of Christians as sexually repressed is a myth." Studies also done by American Journal of Health (2001), Renaud, Beyers, and Pan (1997), Waterman and Chiauzzi (1982), Schaefer and Olson (1981), Olson and Olson (2000), and the list goes on, have all researched sexual satisfaction. All of the above and a profound amount of others have found that the most sexually satisfied women (and men) are happily married, and the studies that have asked about sex toys have shown that the most sexually satisfied couples do not use them. You can either take the word of researchers that have spoken to happily married couples, or you can instead put your trust in companies that want your money for sex toys. I'd rather take the advice of happily married couples. Why would they lie? ↑ |
| Name: jo | Date: Feb 26th, 2006 9:54 PM |
| Read this: http://www.drphil.com/articles/category/5/ ↑ |
| Name: Markera | Date: Feb 27th, 2006 2:15 AM |
| My husband and I have been together four and a half years, married for three. It was the same way with us, I felt as if I was doing everything and he was just laying back and enjoying it. But, I came out and told him how I felt and we talked over certain things. Eventually, we learnt to take turns at being "in charge" and telling each other what we want. He is 45 and I am 25, he spent most of his life enjoying flings and such, whereas I was in a few relationships. He did not really take the time to care what a woman wanted, much less needed sexually. I have what feels like always been in tune with my body and likes and dislikes and was able to "teach" him, in a sense, what makes our lovemaking pop. I complained to myself for months, and he brought it up one day as well, about satisfaction and things he overhears women talking about, and what men think about the whole thing. If the communication does not pan out, counselling would be the next step, I would think. Time apart as well might do something, "absence makes the heart grow fonder", is no lie!! ↑ |
| Name: He said WHAT?! | Date: Feb 27th, 2006 3:17 AM |
| OMG! Did the pope really say that? ↑ |
| Name: Deb | Date: Feb 27th, 2006 9:37 PM |
| As a christian catholic myself- I am dumbfounded as to how the pope, and other priests can give marital advice when they have never experienced it- or sex. As for your "research" whatever posts you can give in here to proof your theory- I can post my views and back that up with research as well. But I will not bore anyone with data. When I was at precana with my fiance, now husband, who is not catholic by the way and was forced to go in order to get married in the church- a couple married for 40 years were the counselors. Her advice was to never say no to sex. Possibly that could prove your theory about conservative christians. In addition, I propose that 85% of domestic violent maritial relationships are conservative christians as well- since their faith demands you stay married and "obey" your husband. In addition these conservative christians are having babies left and right because they aren't using birth control and having children they simply cannot afford. I have learned from experience that "conservative christians" are in fact one of the most closed minded (and small minded) groups of people on this earth- ranked a close second to the conservative muslims that flew airplanes into the twin towers in the name of their God. I have also learned that there is no arguing or debating with a conservative anyone- whether it be republican, democrat, KKK, muslim, christian- because, frankly their minds have already been made up and closed mostly due to their upbringing. Your life parallels one of a person who is happy residing in a third world country who doesn't know any better- your boundaries and walls have been built- and you have no idea what life has to offer you- of course you are happily married and are sexually satisfied because you don't know how limitless your sexual pleasure could be if you don't open your mind to the idea that there might be something out there that could enhance it. Don't get me wrong- you have found peace in your heart and your marriage and I hope you have a happy marriage for the rest of your lives - but simply because you have one, doesn't mean you are qualified to judge those who may not be as lucky as you- or small minded as you. They may have for instance had a sexual realtionship before they were married- and remembered what that was like- and now that perhaps their marriage has gone "stale" for the lack of a better word, they now feel as if they are in a rutt. They are not selfish simply because they don't experience the same thing as you might. It is not selfish to desire physical pleasure when making love to your husband. It is something that every woman on this earth should feel entitled to!! I don't need to quote research studies to show validity in my opinion, although I could. I can only speak from the heart when I tell all the moms out there that you are not selfish or clueless for wanted to experience physical pleasure and if your husband can't give it to you get yourselves a dildo until he can! I think you should go back and review your research - you may find the first key to a happy marriage is to not lose your own indentity- you are two circles that overlap -not become one. You are still entitled to your own thoughts, pleasures, desires, dreams and goals and that should not be erased simply because you are now married. And too often- speaking from it happening to me- as being a SAHM- that is one of the hardest things to remember. To be a SAHM- you tend to lose yourself trying to make everyone else happy- defeating the whole purpose of why you were staying home in the first place. Dr. Phil would be the first to state you need to take care of yourself first. The end of my lecture- deb101. LOL!! ↑ |
| Name: Deb | Date: Feb 27th, 2006 10:13 PM |
| When I read my post I realized some might feel as if I am showing criticism towards the Pope and as a devout catholic please don't misunderstand. I value and respect his word almost as much as I do the word of God. But does anyone share my questioning how someone could serve as a counselor who has never experienced it? Its almost as if you are trying to tell someone how to be a mother- when you are not one yourself. ↑ |
| Name: Michele | Date: Feb 27th, 2006 11:17 PM |
| I think it is a matter of respect. I think that is what the pope was trying to say, and he wouldn't need to be married or have sex to know that a relationship takes respect for each others feelings and a loving relationship means caring more about the other person than for yourself in and out of the bedroom. Weather you use "toys" or nothing, the point is caring for the other person. ↑ |
| Name: Lisa | Date: Mar 28th, 2006 10:42 PM |
| My husband always wants a certain sexual (favor) from me but never or rarely wants to give anything in return.Im about sick of it but at the same time have grown used to it.Im 34 and only get sex about once every 3 months.We have been together total 17 yrs. and married 13 yrs.My grandparents probably get it on more than we do!!!!!! ↑ |
| Name: Debra | Date: Mar 29th, 2006 2:56 AM |
| Lisa you just cracked me up! I work at a cable company and if someones cable goes out I have to troubleshoot from my end. Well this little old lady called who was 92- and she was asking about upgrading her cable. She said she needs more channels because at her age- tv is about all you have. then she said "I don't mean I want porn- although when you get to be my age thats about as close as you get to sex"...I just about died on the phone. I had to hit aftercall so I wouldn't get another call for a minute to put myself back together. It was really funny! ↑ |
| Name: Paula | Date: Mar 29th, 2006 3:05 AM |
| Deb, you have a problem with the Pope telling husbands that it is their Christian obligation as a husband to make sure their wife has an orgasm? Wow. I don't know about you, but I think that's awesome! ↑ |
| Name: Paula | Date: Mar 29th, 2006 3:12 AM |
| that is not what I said- why would I have a problem with that?? What I said is its hard to counsel someone if they've never had a relationship- or been married. It is wasn't intended to be offensive. Personally, although catholic- I think there wouldn't be such a shortage of priests if they were able to be married. I realize the concept of what they are trying to portray. But then its hard to counsel someone if they've never been there. For instance would you seek the counsel of parental skills from someone who has never had children? Even if they had their doctrine/masters- my ideas of motherhood and the challenges of it completely changed once I had a child. I remember looking at mom's thinking- my child is going to know the meaning of no. They will never act that way. Its just so much different once you've experienced it. ↑ |
| Name: Debra | Date: Mar 29th, 2006 3:16 AM |
| Sorry Paula- I meant to put my name in and type your name as who I'm addressing. I'm just too tired !! ↑ |
