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Name: Madylenn
[ Original Post ]
I love my husband very much. I like spending time with him and, even at age 31, I'd have sex every day if I could with him. However, we are totally sexually opposites! I think sex should be like a work-out: very physical and full of movement. I think you should be exhausted and sweaty when you're done. He just likes to lay in one of the usual positions and talk about sexual things, with very little real "physical" activity. He thinks sex is mental, I think it's physical. Anyone with suggestions on how we can come to some middle ground here? Anyone else dealt with anything like this?
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Name: to Madylenn | Date: Feb 6th, 2006 2:18 PM
A wise person told me -- it's how they treat you outside the bedroom that makes all the difference for lifetime of happiness.
Enjoy your differences and let the rest go.

Change your thinking and things will change! 

Name: Crissy | Date: Feb 17th, 2006 10:05 PM
Okay, hun. I totally agree and understand your dilemma. I completely disagree with the other woman although I respect his or her humble opinion. :)

I am having the same problem!! Although i am divorced with 2 children and I'm dating one of my good friends. He said to me the other night, "I'm trying to find a relationship that does not need sex to survive.." (gasp) He is happy with once a month, it includes no foreplay and lasts 20-30 minutes. It's great if I catch him drinking one night but even then, forget the foreplay, forget any kind of toys, kinkiness? You can forget it. It drives me insane and I'm honestly thinking of ending everything for this simple fact alone.

I know how frustrating it is and I believe that for a relationship to truly thrive, both must be sexually compatible. Have you expressed your concern to him?

I hope someone helps you because I'm lost too on how to fix such an issue. Good Luck! 

Name: Ditto on this | Date: Feb 18th, 2006 2:12 PM
"A wise person told me -- it's how they treat you outside the bedroom that makes all the difference for lifetime of happiness.
Enjoy your differences and let the rest go.
Change your thinking and things will change! "

Toys and kinkies as Crissy says will not make it last!!!
Sex is not love!!!! 

Name: Life = sex, food, sleep | Date: Feb 21st, 2006 10:14 PM
Madylenn, while "Ditto on this" states that 'sex is not love', which in and of itself is true, finding sexual compatibility with your partner is Extremely important! There are very few things we humans - or any animal for that matter - need to survive...Food, sleep and sex. If you were complaining that your husband interfered with your sleep on a regular basis, I don't think people would be telling you to suck it up, 'sleep is not love'!!
Have you tried surprising him with spiciness? Maybe by gently coaxing him to be more adventurous, such as putting on an adult film and telling how much you'd love to be doing what they're doing, or pulling him into the laundry room and seducing him on the dryer, or even buying a Kama Sutra video or book (more positions than you can imagine!), he might open up to the type of workout you like. Also, if he's open to being a little kinky, you might try tying him to the bed where he can talk the dirty talk he likes, and you can work up the sweat you want! 

Name: Lisa | Date: Feb 26th, 2006 2:21 AM
"There are very few things we humans - or any animal for that matter - need to survive...Food, sleep and sex."

LOL!
Hmmm, anyone gone to the hospital because they were dying from the lack of sex?
Anyone know of anyone who died from a lack of sex?

This is one of the biggest fallacies forced on us these days.
One needs food and water and sleep to stay alive. But one does not need sex to stay alive.
Granted we in general as a society need at least a good number of people having sex and procreating to survive as a society, but individually, a person can live a full and long life as a virgin, and many have.

That statement aside, sex is important in marriage, for bonding. But compatibility is another fallacy. We have fallen into that belief because of Cosmos and growing up with those stupid 'how to please him' or 'how to be pleased' in bed quizzes.

There are many people with long and happy marriages that had to deal with these issues. It's not a matter of 'how can he please me' or vice versa, it's all about being selfless, DESIRING TO PLEASE THE OTHER and giving of oneself 100% and accepting the other person THE WAY THEY ARE 100%, and not holding any grudges as you work it out over THE YEARS.

So Madylenn should adjust her way of thinking, and love her husband to please her the best he can, offering him suggestions, yes, but loving him even if he in typical male fashion 'just doesn't get it'.

Sex is just a teeny tiny facet of what real Love is about. It is not a reflection of love, but an expression of it.
And sometimes we have to give more then we get.
No, make that most of the time, we have to give more then we get.

"A wise person told me -- it's how they treat you outside the bedroom that makes all the difference for lifetime of happiness.
Enjoy your differences and let the rest go.

Change your thinking and things will change!"

This is good advice....that is if you want a marriage to last. 

Name: Lisa | Date: Feb 26th, 2006 2:25 AM
btw
adult videos, sex toys, etc puts a wrong focus on sex in marriage. Men love it, but in the long run it mortally wounds a marriage. It is a rare marriage that can survive such damage and only does so after intense therapy.

Bad Bad advice! 


Name: Madylenn | Date: Feb 26th, 2006 3:43 AM
Wow! I can't believe the response I've gotten here lately after this topic lay dead for so long! Well, I agree that those things mentioned do put the wrong focus, which was part of my problem. The "talking" included ideas that went against my basic morals. However, things have changed suddenly here lately. Maybe he's been reading my posts! LOL Or maybe we are just finally starting to work together better after 5 years...either way, things are better. 

Name: Jenna | Date: Feb 26th, 2006 5:30 AM
Good morals makes for the greatest sex!
Good for you Madylenn, for not compromising yourself.
It's our job as women to make sure the men get it right. lol 

Name: sonia | Date: Feb 28th, 2006 2:44 PM
I am dealing with similar problems in my marriage and we will likely end up divorced over it. If you find the secret tell me so I can try it. 

Name: sara | Date: Feb 28th, 2006 5:41 PM
Sonia,
Have you guys tried marriage counseling? The sooner the better. My hubby and I go on a retreat together once a year for maintenance, like a physical check-up. I'm amazed at how many people who maintain their teeth, houses and cars don't even think about doing maintenance for their marriages. What is more important? 

Name: to sara from sonia | Date: Feb 28th, 2006 5:54 PM
I have gone to counceling he has gone a few times but does not apply what we go over. I am the giver who keeps on giving and never recieving. 

Name: To Lisa | Date: Feb 28th, 2006 6:57 PM
Perhaps no one has ever ended up in hospital due to lack of sex, but none of us would be here to debate the issue if sex weren't one of the key factors in survival. So yes, the fundamentals for existence in any species is...Sex, Food, Sleep! It may not be important to you to get the most enjoyment or fullfillment out of these factors, but there are people out there who do. 

Name: Sara | Date: Mar 1st, 2006 12:08 AM
"To Lisa",

I think if you read Lisa's post closer you would have seen that she has already made that point:

"Granted we in general as a society need at least a good number of people having sex and procreating to survive as a society, but individually, a person can live a full and long life as a virgin, and many have."

Lisa was responding to "Life = sex, food, sleep" post which stated:
"There are very few things we humans - or any animal for that matter - need to survive...Food, sleep and sex. "
It appears by "Life="'s statement that "Life=" believes that we need sex to survive individually.

I agree with Lisa, I have heard many people claim that sex is a necessity for life, right up there with food and shelter. But it isn't. My great aunt, a nun, died without ever having sex at the ripe old age of 92.

(She was a wonderful woman, God rest her soul.) 

Name: mom247 | Date: Aug 7th, 2006 11:26 PM
to Madylenn You are not alone! and you know the old saying misery loves company and its so true i was wondering if i was the only woman feeling like you until i came to this page. The question is what do we do as wives when our husbands wont step up to bat?? and we let them know our feelings and it seems as if they dont hear us. 

Name: gaz257 | Date: Aug 19th, 2006 4:44 AM
My ex wife and I were sexually incompatible, I lived with it for 20 years.....I left her 3 months ago, love only goes so far.....I was the one the wanted it every day. Im 42 now and feel like Ive wasted most of my life. 

Name: question | Date: Aug 23rd, 2006 2:32 PM
my bf and I have some of the same issues however I am the one who really isn't into all what he wants.He is really into all the licking,doing hand jobs etc and I am not.So i have compromised and we do as much oral as he wants, except the licking.We too are not real physical and are not into all this kinkiness. 

Name: kt | Date: Jul 6th, 2007 11:00 PM
Well this is just the opposit for me, as my husband and I have been married for 22 years and I know things havent always been right and I know his sex drive has always been bigger than mine, but how do you change things? I have tried massages for him although he has not been as forthcoming as me. But then he likes oral and I find that difficult as I am asthmatic, but he sees that as just another excuse. .. Maybe he's right! I love him enormousley and would do anything for him, but the ultimate, whenever he wants it.... The thing is he gets what he wants then he will push it even further and say lets advertise and get another couple to join in the fun.. As you can imagine I go cold, I want someone to want me, not to want someone else to want me!! It has come to a climax (forgive the pun!!) but he now wants out, there is more to life, he says I am boaring. Maybe he is right but there always seems to be somthing underlying with him, he doesnt always want what he says he wants! 

Name: ali | Date: Oct 11th, 2007 1:21 AM
ali 

Name: amir | Date: Nov 20th, 2010 12:26 PM
hi 

Name: Harry | Date: Oct 31st, 2012 3:39 PM
I think u hav a problem lol 

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