Pregnancy Journal

Today I am 38 weeks along and had my 38 week checkup.  I broke down bawling and told my midwife I didn't think I could mentally make it another week until my induction date.  She told me that inducing me before Monday would be for my sake and not the baby's, and she just can't do it for my sake.  There is a sliver of rationality left in me, and that part of me understands.  But the rest of me wanted to lose it even more.  My midwife was really supportive today and helped remind me that the end is in sight.  It really opened my eyes and helped me to appreciate her more and put things into perspective a little.

So as of my appt. today I was 3cm dilated and 80% effaced.  Baby had shifted back up a little and was at -2 station, but she said that doesn't mean anything, especially with 2nd babies.  She also stripped my membranes again, so maybe the 3rd time is a charm?  If not, the baby will be here Monday.  Part of me is accepting of that, and part of me is still really hoping that I will go into labor before then.

My midwife suggested I try to keep busy.  Not necessarily physically busy, more mentally busy.  She said to go out to lunch with friends, or sort through the junk drawer, etc.  She suggested planning at least one thing for each day so I can try to take my mind off the fact that I'm still pregnant.  I think she's right, so I'm gonna try to keep busy.  Who knows, maybe all I need to do is stop focusing on going into labor and it will magically happen?

Yes, it's true, my baby finally has a name!  And no, I won't spill the beans and tell ANYONE! :)  Hehe, I'm sneaky like that.

So ever since Mike and I had our big "blowout" about the naming dilemma, I've been thinking.  I knew that I was going to have to pick a name to use if we couldn't come to an agreement.  I knew that the name I chose would have to be the closest thing to meeting in the middle when considering my preferences and his preferences.  You see, I'm trying my best to not be selfish and just choose a name that I like and say to hell with Mike.  I have actually considered it with the shit he's been pulling lately (and also had friends suggest it), but decided against it.  So I looked at the list of names I had made (and actually expanded on), and decided on the name.  I think it will work well for both of us, once Mike comes around.

So I finally decided tonight was the night I was going to tell him I had chosen a name.  First I wanted to run the additional names past him JUST IN CASE he happened to like one of them.  Of course he didn't.  We started talking AGAIN about why he wanted to name the baby Michael and why I wouldn't give in.  And then I told him that if we didn't come to an agreement then I had already picked a name to use.  And I told him what it was.  He said "no" (as if he's my father and simply telling me "no" will somehow stop me in my tracks; it actually infuriates me when he does that, but oh well, that's a different subject for a different day!), but he actually didn't pitch a huge fit about it.  I explained to him why I chose that name, and even pointed out to him that I had given up my absolutely favorite names in favor of this other name because I knew it was as close to meeting in the middle as possible.  So although he currently doesn't like it, I know he will eventually come around to it.  I pretty much know for a fact he won't suddenly become willing to openly discuss other names, so I'm pretty confident that the name I chose will be his actual name.

This is kind of a bittersweet relief to me.  It's nice to know that I can relax a little and not stress so much about the name, but it's definitely bittersweet because Mike's immaturity made this actually an unpleasant experience instead of the joy it SHOULD be to choose a name for a baby.  So now it's only a matter of getting this baby out so I can finally reveal his name! :)

Along the lines of getting this baby out, I fully intend on pleading insanity to my midwife tomorrow/today (Monday) and seeing if there is ANY chance she will induce me sooner than the 23rd.  After my complete and utter mental breakdown on Saturday, I know that it's going to be next to impossible for me to make it to the 23rd with any shred of my sanity left.  I just want to put this pregnancy behind me and focus on the joy of raising my son instead of the misery this pregnancy has caused.  I figured that tomorrow will be the best chance I have because I will be 38 weeks tomorrow and my midwife is usually on call at the hospital on Tuesdays, so she could just have me come in and see her on Tuesday instead of explaining to one of her partners that he has a mentally unstable patient who is insisting on being induced :)  We will see how it goes.  At the very least she will strip my membranes again tomorrow.  I will update again soon.

Well like I said in my earlier entry, I was trying to stay as active as possible today, hoping that will get things moving along.  I even managed to get my miserable ass to the grocery store to buy some pineapple (it's said to help soften the cervix).  However upon my return I was so tired and physically miserable that I had a complete mental breakdown.  I started bawling my eyes out and repeating "get him out, just get him out".  Yeah, insane I know but I just couldn't control it.  Mike was thankfully feeling like being supportive, so he found me in the bedroom, helped me get out of my shirt (I was sweating profusely at that point), turned the fan on, and sat and rubbed my back and belly.  It was very sweet of him and I actually calmed down much quicker than I would have if he wouldn't have done that. 

You know, pregnancy hormones (topped with my impatience and general irritability) can do some awful things.  At least I'm not in denial; in fact I'm the first to admit that I've completely lost it.