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2016-06-10  (8 weeks)
Ultrasounds and Birthday Wishes
I want to remember my 30th birthday clearly forever. For many reasons it was the best birthday I can remember having. I've had big party birthdays where you get very drunk, or birthdays where I go to a concert I really loved but they all blend together. I want this one to forever stand in my mind, which is a difficult thing since I have a terrible memory. The weekend before my birthday I was pretty bummed, suffering from serious morning sickness and just generally so emotional and overwhelmed by being pregnant. The excitement had worn off quickly like a matter of days because even though I had been told I was pregnant they kept redrawing my blood to check my HCG levels. This scared me, I knew they were low and when I did a quick google search or checked on What to Expect boards they all led to miscarriages. I could find very few posts about women with low HCG levels that had perfectly normal pregnancy's. Then they scheduled my for a ultrasound and found nothing, zero, absolutely not a thing which was the worst news. I assumed the worst, I wasn't really pregnant, something had gone wrong, I would be miscarrying soon. I also felt so stressed because I knew that my husband was bad at birthdays. I wanted something to lift my spirits, I wanted to announce to the world I was pregnant but was afraid to do so. I wanted to blow everything off and have fun but none of it seemed to be happening. I hinted and told and whined at everyone that I was close to, especially my good friend and assistant N and my best friend L that OT wouldn't be doing anything can you check on him? So friday before my birthday (which was on the following thursday) I got together with my good friend M. She had been away from 2 weeks traveling in Norway. I wanted to hear about her trip but she wanted to go to a bar which was like the last thing I wanted to do since I was newly pregnant and couldn't drink but didn't want it to be a big thing yet since I felt so unsure about the pregnancy. We sat there whining about our significant others and she told me she thought likely OT wasn't doing anything for my birthday. I even had dressed up hoping that it was a surprise thing and that I needed to be prepared for a bunch of people at the bar. Finally I convince her to go back to my place, I'm tired of watching other people drink. She dilly dallies and convinces me to get popcorn and we can watch a movie. Then we get back and I spot through the windows a bunch of people inside my house! As I open the door I realize 10 of my closest friends have shown up, and not only that but my two besties gave me a Purple Rain birthday party! Prince had just died a few weeks ago and being a huge fan I was mourning still. It was so fun, but soon it became clear that I couldn't keep my pregnancy a secret, everyone wanted to get me a drink! So when the birthday candles happened and I blew them all out I stood up and yelled "SURPRISE IS ON YOU BITCHES, I"M PREGNANT!" and everyone went crazy. A few friends thought it was a prank. But nope it was real. I wanted to bask in that happiness for a moment even if inside I was still so worried. On Monday I got the call, my HCG levels had gone up, they wanted to do another ultrasound. The date? My actual birthday, I kept thinking this would be the best gift or the worst depending on how it went. So Thursday morning before taking off for an overnight in Palm Springs (OT got it together big time this year) we entered the office for another transvaginal ultrasound. Which isn't as bad as it sounds. I had no idea I went that deep, MAN THAT WAND IS HUGE! But it was only a little uncomfortable, and the moment when she swiveled the screen around for me to see a sac and floating thing which was apparently my baby I started to cry. I was so relieved, and I could even see the flicker of a tiny heart. No it didn't look like a baby yet, and likely I wasn't as far along as I thought but it was there, not ectopic and healthy as far as they could tell. I grabbed my husbands hand and held it to my lips and cried happy tears. The best gift I could imagine was knowing that this was real. I wasn't losing it, at least not yet. I need to treasure that relief that happiness, because I have a tendency to wallow, to worry, to think of all the negatives instead of the positives. Pregnancy has been hard so far, but I'm a week closer to a baby, MY baby. For all you mamas who are worrying like me try to focus on that happy moment, tell yourself EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY WE WILL HAVE A HAPPY HEALTHY BABY as many times as you can, because these days are long but the years are short and soon that little sac will be a child. Hold onto those moments.  
2016-06-06  (7 weeks)
Week 9
So today starts my 9th week. So far my pregnancy has been mostly filled with exhaustion, nervous energy that I cannot expend, and nausea. However until last night I hadn't really puked. Everything changed at 1 am. Yesterday after craving fried chicken for the last two weeks I cried as my husband told me that we could get it for dinner. I was so excited! But also hormones are a bitch... anyway things seemed like it went well in my stomach or as well as things could go. Then at 1 am I woke up with cramping, really awful and I got so scared. I got up and went to the bathroom hoping I just had diarrhea (which has been pretty constant since I got pregnant) but then I got so dizzy I started crying for OT (how I'm gonna refer to my husband). I was so scared I was having a miscarriage and I felt like I was going to fall...which I did, right off the toilet! To lay down on the cold floor which seemed to help but I knew that vomiting or something worse would be coming. And boy did it, and all the delicious fried chicken was not so delicious coming back up that is for sure. KFC WHY YOU DO THIS TO ME?!?! I was so scared from all the vomit and cramping I was telling my husband to call 911! Obviously he used his sense and didn't listen and instead cleaned up the floor and me and put me back to bed. After that I felt a little better but diarrhea came soon after and I got up every hour there after until about 4 am. Super restful night and now I'm missing work because I feel so awful. Now today I haven't been able to eat anything but some saltines and a bit of soup... I'm starving but the soup made my stomach hurt so I gave up on that. I don't have my first OB appointment until Thursday. My mother (who is not just the best mom ever is also a mother child nurse and lactation consultant)says she thinks it is a stomach flu. The cramping has stopped so that is good and I'm less worried. No bleeding or anything so I guess I shouldn't worry so much but I'm just not that kind.  


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