Exhaustion and Thankfulness
I'm so tired. Most likely from staying out until 4am last night, a group of us went to watch Twilight and then the newly released New Moon. It was amazing, and I loved it! But, it left me very tired today since I had to be back up at 7:30am taking care of kids.
Today has been a difficult day. Kids seem to know when you're out of sorts, and naturally push whatever buttons they can. Not just that though. At the library today one of the two librarians who visually isn't thrilled with the group of kids I (or Jennifer) tend to walk in with, came over and gave her piece of mind to both of us. We were in a corner working with two kids on homework (one, left when she finally came over), as well as bouncing our little ones in arms. I'm not sure what Jen's body language was, but I was already tired and had no patience for her crankiness too. I just kept what most likely looked like a glaring eye lock and gave no response. Jen gathered her kids up and left. Talking with her later, she made a good point. Although she and I both are able to balance our group of kids well (hers, mine, and the kids we provide after school help for) and keep everyone safe, progressing forward in school, and guiding in the direction they need to be along with corrections, it can seem to be "too much" for others that are around this group who also is built of a handful of special needs kids who occasionally have a hard remembering to keep their voices to a whisper. I suppose I can understand that way of thinking.
I suppose when one is tired and cranky, what wouldn't normally bother them seems like a lot. Today I felt back in the position of feeling very defensive against a girl within the organization that was acting a lot like a past member. Although I do much better with it now, sometimes I wonder if I'll ever reach the point of, "*shrug* Whatever :)". Hopefully. I don't appreciate the defensive feeling I feel when things are challenged.
Tonight though, as if it was a pacifier - I stopped and got my phai thai from a local chinese store (which I didn't know we had!!) after picking up a salad (which still sits uneaten), following sending my son into the grocery store with a list to pick up... since I swore that if I crossed paths with someone my nerves couldn't handle I'd explode like an armful of confetti poppers.
I am definitely finished for the day. Now that I've eaten I feel sick.
This is a tiring, while humerous, circle I go in. My body says it's starving and would like to eat or drink "x". So, I get "x", consume "x", and body decides it didn't want "x" afterall and wishes to discard it the way it came in. Usually I can distract said stomach until the queeziness disipates, but not always. I've been throwing up more. I don't like throwing up!!! I have never had this much morning sickness in any of my six pregnancies. I am so thankful not to be throwing up like I hear some woman do, but.... yuck, still :P
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Yesterday I had my second midwife appt. I was able to hear the heartbeat!! I wasn't able to lay there absorbing the magic of it all, since I was focused on audio recording this incredible beating heart for a father that is 1/2 world away right now, and his parents. It worked. I ran home and quickly emailed it out since I wouldn't be back again until early morning. I smiled and showed Jen the returned email from the father that it worked, they all heard it :D Since then though, I have listened to the audio clip many times. Just listened, and imagined the fast little beat coming from a child within me. I am deeply humbled.
Last night, during Twilight, I saw two people on the screen that were deeply in love. Breathes caught, hearts racing, and I thought to myself, "What an incredible feeling to be so deeply in love. What in my life leaves me feeling this way?"
My children. I can't imagine my life without them.
The man who helped to give life to our last child. He takes my breathe away whenever I think about him, and the type of person he is.... and what the future could hold for him and this future son or daughter.
The families I helped to bring children here for. Their hearts and trust, and the relationship that has continued. To look at these children... and often find myself amazed that they grew inside of me. To look at these parents... I love these families.
Cassidy. Oh my dearest Cassidy. She takes my breathe away, just her presense on this earth. The love her mom had for her before when she was just a dream, and this incredible child that I was so lucky to carry here for her mom. Words could never convey what I feel to it's fullest. A true dream child, and in my heart I hug her every day. I am so proud.
Samantha, Cassidy's mom. A friend who feels to be so much like a sister. I am so thankful to have her in my life. So thankful for our past that pulled us closer together, and for our friendship that continues. To have been able to watch her raise this strong willed daughter of hers, and feel overwhelming love for the mother and friend she is.
My heart skips and melts with love and appreciation. I am in love with my families, these children - those who have never given up on their dream of life, and the one who gave us the gift of life. |
