|Name: jshubert | Date: Feb 2nd, 2008 11:58 PM
|"Phoenix" I am sad for you. blending is tough for all. You are one side to a very complicated situation. I am the stepmom. From where I am standing its hard too. I married a man because I loved him...not because I had a child with him. Every women wants to be a focus of her man. When you are older you will realize what most step children see......it is not about taking from the child. Its about trying to be a happy adult. We only have one life time....yours is ahead of you. I am sorry your experience has been tough. I am sure it is due to a lack of coommunication on your parents part....nothing you;ve done less of coarse you intentionally try to create friction between them. Thanks for the other side. Its good reading. Good luck. ↑|
|Name: michele | Date: Feb 19th, 2008 3:26 AM
|I know this is way off from what many of you are talking about but I am at the point where I really just HATE my stepdaughter. I feel like all she does ist ryt o cause problems and come between me and my husband whenever she gets the chance. She is mean to my son and hurts his feelinsgs as often as possible. All they do is fight and drive me crazy...all she does is wine and pout.....she has the be the center of her dad's attention or drama unfolds. She plays games between me and her mom whom I sincerely hate with everything in me...I'm misereable and at a total loss. I just want to be rid of her forever and it won't happen....then I feel guilty for felling this way and thinking these things. Its only getting worse and my stupid husband pretends like nothing is up. ↑|
|Name: michele | Date: Feb 19th, 2008 3:36 AM
|I know that I sound outright disgusting and I feel it too. I really need help. I can't even talk to my husband about this anymore. When my stepdaughterisnotaround and we try to talk about it all we do is fight and when she is around I can't get near him without her taking his attention way. If we try to sit next to each other she gets in the middle, if we hug suddenly she's crying and needs immediate attention from him for no apparent reasonor she is on his leg prying him away. If I'm taking any of his attention she is on his lap distracting him. If I walk out of the room and stop trying to communicate with him she ignores him and goes back to whatevershe was doing before. My stepdaughter and my son are physically attacking each other. She covets everything...her dad her toys, her part of the room...whatever. My son and I no matter what we doarethe enemy. It's like war...please someone help. ↑|
|Name: wikidstpmomrhay | Date: Feb 19th, 2008 7:49 PM
|Hi my name is rhay i am 26 and i have an11 yearold stepson (cameron) with conduct disorder a 10 yr old with add and possibly bipolar disorder a 2year old and a1 yr old......my stepson has an unstable subsance abusing mother so i get to be the target for his hatered..i love him anywayz....but i get so frustrated he is determined to end up in juvie and proudly admitts it, he wants to be just like mom. weve been trying to get him help but since he isnt a danger to himself or others and hasnt been arrested yet he classifed as low risk therfore low priority. we are told we are doing all we can and there isnt anything we can do to stop from going down the self destructive path but he is only 11..weve been takeing him to a wide varity of "professionals" not to mention having people come into our home and work with him. he has a genius i.q. which makes it harder to sit back and watch him throw his life away. mean he started stealing from us just stupid things like candy and boxes of pencils but its only gonna get worse....do i really have to wait untill he gets locket up before he gets help? ↑|
|Name: MaRhay | Date: Feb 19th, 2008 8:11 PM
|to kim....i think u have a very narrow jaded view of life.....im sorry but when a woman cant get it together to take care of her children she has no business being called mom....i would never force a child to call me mom but my steps sons bio mom dropped him and her mentally challenged 3 yr old here and went to party for 2 months....i stepped up not because i was obligated but because it was the right thing to do by the end of the 1st month the 3 yr. old who wasnt biologicaly conected to my husband was calling me mom..... if thats how he felt who could blame him.....oh you could.....well untill all women who give birth can step up and put thier children first i think the title of mom goes to whom ever the child sees fit. ↑|
|Name: Texassmom | Date: Feb 27th, 2008 7:52 AM
|Hey I have just been called the wicked stepmom by my husband 7 year son. Very frustrated, my daughter who lives with us gives no problem at all straight A student and all. She is 9. I am being accused of things I have not done, HELP. ↑|
|Name: lost love on its way | Date: Feb 28th, 2008 6:10 AM
|I have an 11 year old stepson will be 12 in 4 months. He is treated like a baby since i got into this relationship and alot of his problems steams from his parents. Every time i ask him to do something he flat out don't do it excuse I FORGOT stuff i ask is pick your dirty towels off the floor and put them in the laundry like my own two children, put your toys away i also have a 22 month year old that keeps me busyor asked him to put his clean sheets on the bed well he slept with them off becaus he decided to do it tomorrow. I get yelled out because he has social issue becaus his mom dont let him have friends so he cant learn to put a sheet on his bed boy i can say a lot but well just start ther. ↑|
|Name: og217 | Date: Mar 4th, 2008 2:33 PM
|I think women who marry men with children are not assertive enough about what they want because they think it will scare of fthe men and make them sound mean. Then they have all these problems, which are basically the same problem - his children are a nuisance and have taken over your life and marriage. And then no one knows how to handle that. Advice for ladies considering marrying a man with children - don't be shy. Say what you want and just get it over with, it will come out sooner or later. You'll be much happier. I'm sure someone will start whining What about his children? Well, that's not your issue. Concern yourself with yourself and your marriage, his children are not your priority. You don't have to apologize to them or anyone else for wanting a proper life and marriage. I was very worried about how I'd come off to my fiance but I felt I had to be honest - I don't want his children to visit more than 3 or 4 times a year (we live in different states and soon, countries), they can never come live with us, and I have no interest in Disney Land or anything else, his children visit him and are his to entertain. It took many conversations, and I know his feelings were hurt - he was hoping I would want his children and feel that they are a great addition, not a burden. But it is what it is. I see nothing appealing about them and don't enjoy their visits, but I tolerate them and deal. We're very extatically happily married and his children visit a few times a year. Everyone's perfectly fine and happy. Since I was honest, there was no need to adjust or to put up with bad behavior or feel resentful. I understand that I married a man with obligations, I understand that they have to be fulfilled, and so they are. He understands that I married him in spite of his obligations and there is no BS. ↑|
|Name: og217 | Date: Mar 4th, 2008 6:19 PM
|Oh, PS - do not marry anyone who claims that he/she "will always put their children first." These people have no concept of love and marriage, which is how they ended up parenting alone. They think they are somehow noble, but they are just sad. You will always be second or third or tenth in line, feel resentful, and be told "well, I told you so from the beginning." The children in these situations are going to be horrid brats, too. Everyone deserves a partner who puts YOU first. The children will eventually, hopefully, meet one of their own. Their parent is not their partner. They should not be granted an exclusive, one-on-one love affair with their mommy/daddy. At least not from the perspective of a potential mate. If you hear that phrase, just run. there is nothing there for you. Find someone who is looking for the love of a life time. And if THAT person has kids, chances are they will know their place as CHILDREN, not lovers, or some omnipotent gods. ↑|
|Name: og217 | Date: Mar 4th, 2008 6:45 PM
|Just one more - I can't resist. If the children are causing a problem in your marriage, ask your spouse to get them under control, and if that doesn't happen immediately, offer them their alternatives. You married to be loved, respected and happy. So there are 3 choices. Either everyone gets with that program, pronto, his children go, or you go. If he choses his children over you, you have no marriage to even bother with, you're just the help around the house/cook/meal ticket / free babysitter. You are not loved enough, and you married an imbecile who can be swayed and manipulated by a child - this is not a fully developed, intelligent adult. Move on. If a person loves you, they will get their children under control. ALL the BS. If the children are of such an age / size / brattiness that their parent absolutely cannot manage to get them under control, then these children are justifiably uninvited from their parent's home and life. Well, there's choice number 4 - you can settle for being second to some vile kid. ↑|
|Name: Caroline | Date: Apr 5th, 2008 12:59 AM
|I'm a frustrated step mom!! ↑|
|Name: mari4him | Date: May 9th, 2008 1:01 AM
|Kim... I am sorry but a step-mom is far more than "just the wife". Especially if she is taking an active and caring role in raising your child. You may not like it and that is okay but would you rather she mistreat your child. Come on. If she is loving and caring to your child. Makes sure, together with their dad, they eat well, that they are clean, that homework is done, etc. then I think she has earned a bit more of a title or role than "just the wife".|
I say this coming from both perspectives of having been a step mom and about to be one again, and being a mom with 2 kids who have a step-mom as dad remarried. Let me tell you something. I am secure enough in my role within my children's lives and the love and bond that exists by us to not be threatened by whatever my children CHOSE to call their step-mom. I could care less if they call her by her name or by a maternal term, what I do care about is that she treats my children well while they are there. Thats what is truly important. ↑
|Name: sadstepmom | Date: May 25th, 2008 6:38 PM
|I need help. My husband and I got married last August. He got full custody of his 7 year old son, that week. We enrolled him in school, and hit the ground running. His mother is an alcoholic and has been out of the picture for the most part. She has hardly been involved in his life, and he wanted nothing to do with her. Overall, things had been going smoothly. She checked into rehab a few months ago, and got sober. I think that she has overcome great odds, and am proud of her for staying clean. My step-son is happier with her now, and that is most important. But since that time something has "changed". Maybe I'm more sensitve, but somehow when he is with my husband and me, he wants all the attention with his dad. I am completely "ignored". My husband has not noticed, and doesn't not understand that sometimes children can be manipulative. I honestly don't know why he has sudden resentment for me, but I in turn have it towards him. I know he's the child, and I'm the adult, but I hurt a lot. Being a step mom can be a thankless job. Fine, I get it, but this is getting worse. Maybe now that his mom is "okay", he needs me less? He has flat out said, "I'm a competion", or at times "he wants me to go (away for a while)". I have told my husband, but he says I'm overacting. All he wants his for everyone to get along, and it becomes stressful for him. I am being sensitive....but it hurts! It has ruined our relationship over the past few weeks, which only makes me resent my step son more! His son gets in the way of some of "our time". PLus now his mom is pulling the "holier-than-thou" crap. Between dealing with the ex, and her son....I have a lot of trouble keeping my mouth shut, and over time it will make me more angry. I'm afraid that it is hurting my marriage. How can I turn around my attitude?!! ↑|
|Name: sadstepmom | Date: May 25th, 2008 6:44 PM
|To clarify "mom out of the picture",....she was drunk costantly. She would show up to his soccor/b-ball games and activities drunk.....we would try drop him off and she would be passed out on the couch. Now that she is sober, and goes to the games, she gets upset that she doesn't know his friends, and the parents. That the kids refer to me as "____'s-mom".|
She has been difficult to deal with, plus she still loves my husband.
So....I'm dealing with two issues....step-son that doesn't care about me + the ex.... ↑
|Name: Voice Of Reason | Date: Aug 8th, 2008 11:17 AM
|Texasmom, don’t feel bad about being called the “wicked stepmom” by your stepkids. Kids only do this cause because they’re heartbroken that their home’s become broken. (The odds are the same kids have some disrespectful names for their biomom, too.) And your “A” student daughter who lives with you probably feels more secure so it’s lots easier for her to act more like an ideal child. Quit comparing his and your children and you’ll be happier. |
Lost love on its way – situations become complicated because bio parents feel guilt for disrupting their kids’sense of security. Forgive the bio parents – and their kids -- for their imperfections; it’s a tough time in their lives, too. Meanwhile, stick to your rules.
Og217, I admire your candor! And you’re so right: there’s no sense in wasting your precious time with a man who doesn’t meet your needs! What’s more, a woman should understand a man’s motives for getting involved from the start. It’s always wise to determine whether he’s looking for an easy lay, a wife, or just a babysitter.
Caroline, frustration goes hand-in-hand with being both a bio mom and a step mom. Neither role is easy – because being a mom isn’t easy! (The fact is, it’s the most challenging role you’ll ever have!) Hang in there!! ↑
|Name: Voice Of Reason | Date: Aug 8th, 2008 11:19 AM
|Mari4him, I agree! A stepmom can be more than “just a wife.” If she’s a caring, fair, and consistent in her treatment of both his, her, and their children, there is no reason to get upset if her skids want to accord her a more affectionate and respectful title. |
1momgonenuts, you are so right! There seem to be far less marital problems when one marries someone who has never been married before or had kids already! In fact, with some men, it seems as though the new wife is just picking up the problems of a previous wife. This happened to my former sister-in-law’s ex-husband’s new wife (who was once my sister-law’s best friend.) She began her relationship with my former brother-in-law before they divorced; the ex-brother-in-law was glad to satisfy the new wife’s desire for a family. In fact, the subsequent birth of their three kids helped her satisfy her longing for kids, and helped him prove his virility. Unfortunately, he was never any more responsible for his new family than he had been for my ex-sister-in-law’s. But to her credit, the new wife made sure he paid child support to my ex-sister-in-law’s family – and those support payments only stopped when the new wife finally couldn’t tolerate his philandering, and financial irresponsibility any longer. Rumor has it the deadbeat husband has once again remarried – but his new wife, a young and immature woman who doesn’t yet want kids, cares even less that than her husband about those last three kids.
It really is a shame that my former brother-in-law just didn’t get a vasectomy – but you know how it is. He didn’t want to hurt his chances of attracting a new wife. ↑
|Name: Voice Of Reason | Date: Aug 8th, 2008 11:21 AM
|Pam, if the man you love doesn’t stick up for you now, what makes you think he will once you’re married? The truth is most men don’t change after they’re married – just like most men will resent you for wanting them to change. Get some counseling before you tie the knot!|
Frustrated, I believe the reason bio moms depend on others to take care of their kids while they are out dating is so that they too, can find a mate to share their lives. You sound like you resent this process – but keep in mind your step-daughter is your husband’s child, too.
Lisaissad, you’re right! Being a stepmom is a thankless, badly paid job. However, the same can be said for being a bio mom. It sounds as though your step daughter has a lot of anger issues. How sad that this kid who didn’t ask mom and dad to destroy the security she felt while she had both bio parents in her home isn’t getting the help she needs to adjust to the new living arrangements! On the other hand, it’s sad too, that you’re not getting the support you need to take on the challenging role of step-parent.
Divorce is one answer. Counseling may be another.
Why—not, the inability to conceive is frustrating! Have you and your spouse already seen doctors to determine possible reasons? In the meantime, even if you and your spouse can not conceive, your spouse still has the right to spend time with his teenage son, and the son with his dad. (Remember, the boy was in his life before you came along.) Try not to pass your frustration along to the boy; it won’t help you, and he will only use it against you.
Sadstepmom, your insecurities are compounding an already messy situation. You resent your spouse’s seven year old boy for getting in the way of your time with your spouse. Realize all children sometimes get in the way of a wife’s time with her spouse. The boy’s needs are critical at this time because he is only a child, and his home life has been severely disrupted. You, on the other hand, are an adult who’s chosen to marry into this situation. A pity party for one won’t help you. YOU are in control of your attitude!
Oh, and his wife’s drunkenness may be how the ex-wife is mourning for the death of her relationship with her spouse. (It’s not a healthy way to mourn, and she does need help –but this is beyond your realm of influence.) ↑
|Name: Denia | Date: Sep 6th, 2008 2:06 PM
|I have raised my three step children as my own for the last nine years. The biological mother walked out when the youngest was 6 months old and never really had anything to do with these children until three years ago. As the children get older they are wanting her more and more in there lives which is good is some ways not all. I am completely devastated but try not to show it front of the children because I do want them to have a relationship with their mom if this is what they want. However, I am getting completely stepped on in the process. I feel that all of my hard work and effort that I have poored into these kids... I don't know... I hate being a part time parent... A parent who is only a parent when it's convenient for someone else. When it's inconvenient for the bio mom for me to be around it's time for me to step out and that is really hard. On top of it she talks so much trash about me infront of the children and that really hurts too because I havn' t done anything to this woman. My youngest son has had 7 surgeries because of tumors and she hasn't been to one of his surgeries or there to help after post-opt... it's been me and now that my kids are getting older... I feel kind of pissed on. BLAH! ↑|
|Name: Denia | Date: Sep 6th, 2008 2:12 PM
|As far as that little chicky Kim talking how it is poor taste to have a child call you mom when you are just the "step" mom... That's bull crap. Just because you are an egg donar doesn't give you any right to be called a mother. I have sweated more blood and more tears than my children's bio-mom. I have been through 7 surgeries and 9 years of my "step" children's lives without her being involved up until three years ago. My oldest daughter remembers her mother locking her in a bedroom while my husband wasn't home while they were married and my daughter remembers having to drink her own urine. She remembers a lot of abuse that she has had to go to counseling for. This witch also left when the youngest was 6 months old and I took over when he was a year and half... so don't tell me that I am not a mother. I do not have and will not have any other children and have taken these children as my own. Again... it takes more than an egg donar to be called a mother. ↑|
|Name: DAVID | Date: Sep 8th, 2008 2:06 PM
|any sugestions to help out to be a better step dad through your eyes? ↑|
|Name: lulmum | Date: Oct 22nd, 2008 11:39 PM
|My 10 year old step-son is driving me INSANE!!!!!!! he has only lived with us for 2 years and before that we had a 2 year battle with CAS to get him away from his mother...Most of the time he is fine but SOME DAYS!! his attitude is unbelievable! My daughter would NEVER get away with this behavior. His dad does not take ANY criticism well...he feels that I'm nagging him....but if I bite my tongue I just get angrier. Usually the attitude towards me only happens when his father is not around but there is some stuff when he is around that drives me nuts too...his son is always hanging all over him trying to touch him and give him kisses...is it just me? Is this appropriate for a 10 year old boy?? It's ALWAYS someone else's fault , including at school..if the teacher calls home it's because she's picking on him and because his dad doesn't like the look oof the teacher he figures she's just a bitch....the kid can hardly read and last year his highest grade was a C...he rarely brings his homework home and then when he does you have to battle him to do it. He also looks to find fault with my daughter ALL the time. I told them that when they are BOTH perfect then they can criticize each other. I'm sooooo frustrated right at this moment I think there is steam coming out of my ears!!!!!! ↑|
|Name: danielle | Date: Oct 24th, 2008 2:22 AM
|heres my story... my boyfriend and i got involved feb 08. i dont have any kids... yet. but my boyfriend has a son that was 10 mo old when we got together and is now a year and a half. i fell in love with his son right away. i treat him as if he is my own when we are in our home. i do everything for him. i am mom away from mom. me and my boyfriends son have a bond like a mother and son but im sure its not as strong. my boyfriend has 60 40 custody (he has 40). his ex has recently served him with court papers. she wants child support and visitation in writing. my boyfriend would like to have his son more so he is going to ask for 50 50 custody. i do not have any relationship with my boyfriends ex because she doesnt feel the need to have one. i feel we do need to have somesort of relationship for the childs sake. me and my boyfriend arent married but we both have intensions to get married and have kids together. my biggest question is how do i know my boundries as a caretaker of my boyfriends son? should i be involved in everything as if i was already the step mom? like should i go to doc appointments even tho the biological mom will be there? she doesnt want me to be around anywhere that she is but i want to be there for my boyfriends son. any comments u have please leave them! thanks! ↑|
|Name: frustrated in san diego | Date: Nov 3rd, 2008 3:46 PM
|Hi, im dating a man with 3 kids... 12, 11, and 18!!! The 2 younger ones lost there mom in an accident a quite few years back and the oldest his mom is still alive. Its been 2 years since we've started dating and either i have to high of expectations or they are all just down right ASSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel so frustrated all the time that with including the dad i feel its always 4 against 1! All I ask is for a lil respect and discipline when called for and neither happens. My boyfriend tries to be on my side when i need him , but all in all its me against them! Its me not wanting to give in like i always have to or them acting the fool till the y get their way! I could go on and on about how much bs i endure everyday, but at the end of those days I love the my boyfriend and would do anything to stay with him, even if it means battling those 3 day in and day out! I really just need some one to talk to!!! ↑|
|Name: Sarah | Date: Jan 9th, 2009 3:46 AM
|Why oh why does it seem like step moms are "just another person" when in fact we have to work harder than anyone to gain respect and likliness from step children and related family. We are expected to care for and spend money on and love but yet, we have no right to the child, the mother gives us problems and it is difficult to get attached because the child is confused! What the Heck is Going On? ↑|
|Name: Dwayne Eaton | Date: Jan 9th, 2009 12:42 PM
|My names Dwayne and I work for a production company called Diverse. We are planning on making a doc about Blended families and we are trying to find families to discuss the issues that they face.|
If you wouldnt mind talking to me about your journey as a blended family, or if you are interested in possibly taking part, please contact me on the email below.
[email protected] ↑
|Name: PEACHES | Date: Jan 24th, 2009 5:59 AM
|MY HUSBAND IS LOCKED UP AND 2DAY THERE'S NO VISITS BUT HE COULD HAVE CALLED TO WISH HIS STEP SON HAPPY BIRTHDAY i MEAN, GOLLY ↑|
|Name: someoneelsesmother | Date: Feb 11th, 2009 2:13 AM
|Does being a second wife and stepmother get any easier? My husband comes from a large family and his family is so involved. He has four sister and I've seem them in action. :sigh: ↑|
|Name: Desperately needing advise | Date: Feb 15th, 2009 5:27 AM
|Hi am in a relationship with 2 step kids. they are 11 n 7 have known them for 3yrs now. I feel no matter what i do i never win them; specially the oldest. She is so infactuated with her dad. Thats another story. We just had a fight as my partner wants kids n i do too but the kids fly in every school holidays n to top it off the mother has decided not to go half in flights so each holidays we are looking @ paying $800 return every 2 months. We cant afford this n it worries me that he does not see this. I want kids but i dont my kids to suffer hardship just cause he cant balanced this. I know he needs to see his kids but i have suggested many things like lets get then 2 times a year n have them 4 6weeks @ a time. If we dont do this we are looking into spending close to $4000 a yr. We cant afford now yet alone with 1 income n an extra mouth. we had the fight yesterday n he belives am materialict n money hungry. i just want to be able to provided the essential for my 1st babies n @ least give them some nice things. Am i too shallow. Please let me know. Am losing my mind ↑|
|Name: KK | Date: Feb 23rd, 2009 4:42 PM
|"Mom" and "Mommy" are terms of endearment and only that. Whatever a stepchild chooses to call a stepparent is okay. If the child likes it and everyone is comfortable then it doesn't matter if other "mommies" are offended by it. The child didn't choose to be in the situation so we should at least let them have this freedom. Maybe they want the labels that make them feel most normal and comfortable. ↑|
|Name: kelly_02 | Date: Feb 24th, 2009 8:11 AM
|im 20 and have two little step kids...my bf of now two years has been married before and so came the little girl now 6 and little boy now 3...ive watched them grow sent them to school and brought them out of a bad enviroment! they have been staying with us since i got seriously involved with thier dad..their mum sort of just layed them off with us like she was giving us a present! we put them thru school and do all the things family does but then every second weekend they get to go to her from friday after supper til sunday after lunch! because i have been living and rearing them for so long i know how they are and feel how they feel(sometimes) the mother and i had a fall out because of verious things and that includes them calling me mummy and her mommy C...(her name i will not share at this piont) should we be friends or not speak at all? i love these kids to bits and because she has custody of them stil she can take them away from our happiness at anytime! im scared but really want these kids to be healthy and happy!|
please help! ↑
|Name: step mom | Date: Mar 26th, 2009 11:11 PM
|my step son is destroying my marriage he lies, cheats and totally hates me ↑|