I am a 30 year old gay male. I've been together with my boyfriend for a few months and am very happy in the relationship. A few days ago, he revealed to me that he and his best female friend have been trying for conception ("turkey baster" method) since several months. Now he tells me they were successful! I was not consulted in this and only informed now that she is pregnant. I feel completely out of the game and very disappointed. He took a life-changing step unilaterally and that shakes off my trust.
He would like to be involved in caring for the baby. From the point of view of the baby, this is wonderful! But I fear that the (non-sexual) relationship to his best female friend and the baby will take absolute precedence over our partner relationship. According to the stories I read and hear, almost every sperm donor and co-parent gets or wants to get involved at a level much closer than they originally intended when trying for conception. Right now he says he "wants to have the baby 2 times a week". If we take this into account, "more involved" than that would probably mean being dedicated to the baby full time.
My boyfriend invites me to participate in the experience and is very positive about it. Two problems with this: 1. She didn't even want me to know she was pregnant. 2. I have never even toyed with the idea of having a child.
I bargained for an equal male partner. In the new constelation, it feels like he would have a family and I become like a lover.
Is it accurate to say that most gay dad/sperm donors become more involved than they thought before the baby is delivered? Is this your experience? Do you foresee any problems or solutions?