I'm not sure where to start, my girlfriend has a 4 year old son who will be 5 soon, and overall he's not a bad kid, fun, energetic, very smart and curious. There are almost no issues at home other than sometimes it's a little difficult to get him to listen. Seems fairly normal, doesn't want to brush his teeth, wake up in the morning (early morning) or turn off the TV when TV time is over. These things there's not really a problem with.
The problem arises at daycare, and I'm pretty sure I can tell where a large amount of the problem comes from but it poses problems for me as to where I need to draw the line as far as overstepping my bounds in bringing him up since so far I'm just the boyfriend and not dad. Most things seem, as I said, fairly normal for a 4-5 year old boy in daycare, a lack of focus, a bit rambunctious sometimes, other things that I feel are normal. Other times though he's overly forceful, pushing and hitting, he's stopped biting, but he has a tendency to take things from other children, not anything dangerously aggressive, but enough that the daycares are not happy. The big area where I feel the problem is involves Dad. Previously mom and dad shared custody every other week, which seemed worse in trying to discipline him in any way, dad had one method an mom had another, they couldn't agree on it.
More recently dad moved a couple of hours away and mom and I have been taking care of him but every other weekend dad comes to pick him up for the weekend, and has also taken him on vacation for 10 days once. It seemed like an ok idea at first until I/we noticed that every time he comes back from dads he's belligerent and tends to act up a lot more at daycare.
I've talked with some of the daycare teachers, there are a couple in particular who's opinions I value more than the others, and they say that for the most part he's a pretty normal little boy, which I believe is pretty true, the problem is that even if it is normal, it's not ok for him to be hurting or imposing on the other children. I don't want to point the blame solely at dad, but to a large extent I feel it is an issue with him being completely lax while he has the boy. It's extremely apparent that his sleep schedule is thrown out the door, and that any studies, as trivial as they may seem, aren't being done.
Is it my place to recommend that they restructure their agreement (one that is just between mom and dad) so that dad sees him less? I'd hate for that to ever happen to me if it were my son, but it seems to be a problem for the boy developing. We've considered holding him back from Kindergarten for a year because of his behavioral issues.
Beyond that are there any methods of discipline that are recommended. He gets a good spanking whenever something more serious like hitting occurs, and regardless of how he acts up at school, if he does TV and video games are taken away for the day, and if it's repeatedly it's a week, we haven't gotten to any point where more seems warranted. In addition to the actual punishments, we also try and talk to him about what he's done wrong, see if there's a reason why, sometimes there is, another child hit him, or was chasing him and wouldn't stop, to which we've tried to stress that he is not to hit back, and is to find a teacher instead. This seems to work, towards the end of the cycle in which he hasn't seen dad for a while.
Both of us regularly show affection to him and make sure that he understand that while we're upset with him, we both care for him very much.
I realize that this is a bit jumbled but I'm rather frustrated at the moment and really don't know where to go from here.
If it were up to me, I would step up the disciplinary actions to allow less warnings when the desired request isn't seen to the first or perhaps the second time, and any disruptions at daycare are met with the same level of punishment as far as a spanking, but also other action, standing in the corner or something along those lines. Also, that his visits with dad are cut down to juts once a month as opposed to every other week. Is this out of line? ↓
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| Name: my opinion | Date: Jul 13th, 2006 12:52 AM |
| I don't think your thoughts on the subject are out of line at all. However,as you said yourself,this is not your child or even your stepchild as of yet so your opinions really don't hold any ground unless the boys mom entirely agrees with you on the topic and can communicate it well with the boys dad. I kind of doubt your wishes for the boys dad to see him less will come true for you though so don't hold your breath. What you should do is really think hard about what your getting yourself involved in because it is a long time before that boy turns 18 and things could get alot more harrier along the way than what you've already experienced so you should re-evaluate the situation and make absolute sure this is the kind of life you want for yourself before making a greater commitment to this woman and her son. I really doubt the boys dad cares if he is acting up at school and at your place,if anything it probably makes him smile to hear about it. If I were you I'd give the relationship a few months time and see if things get better and if they improve then by all means,stay and marry and become a stepfather,BUT on the other hand,if things remain the same or get worse,then I'd cut my ties if I were you because you don't need the stress in your life.Good luck with whatever you choose to do! ↑ |
| Name: stacie | Date: Jul 19th, 2006 7:23 PM |
Not many people take the necessary steps to help solve the issues you are currently experiencing. I applaud your outreach to this forum.
I'm actually working with a psychiatrist right now. His name is Dr. Keith Ablow, and based on his experience and likeablity my cpompany has given him a new daytime television show debuting in September. Dr. Ablow is a renowned psychiatrist who's goal is to advise, educate and inform, not to judge or sensationalize. The opposite of Dr.Phil's approach in every way. He's younger, approachable and genuinely interested in helping people strategize and take away tools for a healthier life. You may have seen Dr. Ablow on TV, he's a frequent guest on Oprah, Good Morning America, CNN, etc. as an expert. He was also a practicing psychiatrist in Boston. To find out more about Dr. Keith please visit www.keithablow.com
I'd love to hear more about your story and you're under no obligation to appear. You can reach me toll free at 1-888-372-2569 ext 4347 or email me at [email protected] ↑ |
| Name: question | Date: Jul 31st, 2006 5:13 PM |
| You are out of line!the dad is the dad and you?just the boyfriend....sorry just the way it is.He isn't acting up because his dad is bad but because he is ocnfused.He doesn't fully understand why he is getting move around all the time.He needs to know that some things are acceptable at dads house but not at moms,period!spend alot of time building a real relationship with him and it will work out.By the way,don't tell the daycare to spank him,they legally can't and you will get in trouble if you ask them to.They probably feel like spanking him some days already.sitting in time out,standing in the corner etc are the only legal punishments they can give.Keep working on it it will work out. ↑ |
| Name: h | Date: Feb 28th, 2008 2:11 AM |
| Name: cindy | Date: May 12th, 2008 6:07 AM |
| Your helping raise him your opion counts in my book my Fiance isnt my 7 and 8 year olds dad but he spanks them if needed we have it all understood they only see there dad once a month you need to vouce ur ideas ↑ |
| Name: jimmy | Date: Nov 14th, 2008 2:57 AM |
| im just looking to talk with other men who have taken on the stepfather role and struggle with it as i do ↑ |
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