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Name: nicole jones
[ Original Post ]
What do you're step-kids call you, or their other step-parent? mine calls me Mommy and his real mother Mama (his choices), he calls his step-father by first name (the step-father's request) and my hubby Daddy
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Name: p.c. | Date: Jun 11th, 2006 3:05 AM
My stepchildren are older, so I am called by my first name.

I think it's neat that his mother is o.k. with him calling you Mommy. I would not be that secure, I would probably have had a fit if my daughter did that with her stepmother. But then again, her dad and her stepmother hadn't respected our marriage vows when they first got together, so if she used that term, it would have been salt on my wounds for sure, lol. 

Name: nicole | Date: Jun 11th, 2006 3:26 AM
i'm not sure if his bio mother is even aware of what he calls me (she's never mentioned it). and my step-son is only 5, so i've been around pretty much his whole life (my husband divorced his mother when he was 6mo. - and i didnt come along until a year later) 

Name: Laura | Date: Jun 11th, 2006 4:16 PM
With absolutely all due respect Nicole,

I would be very cautious about having your stepchild call you mom, mommy, or momma, or anything like that unless his mother knows and approves. That's treading on sacred ground.

I know I would very much resent that if my children's father allowed that. I would be down right pissed off.

It is in the child's best interest that you have a working partnership with his mother, even if she is a horrible mother, it's still in the childs best interest. It is highly probable that when she finds out that he calls you a maternal name like that is going to bid her against you and cause problems for your stepson, and discord in your blended family. I cannot think of any mother who would like that done without her permission.

For your stepson's sake, I would check with her about this. Even if she is an absolutely horrible person. It's in his best interest. For she is his mother and is naturally more important to him. Such a dispute (which will probably arise if you don't have her permission) will only hurt him, no matter how unreasonable it may seem to an adult sensibility.

It sounds like you may think this may be the case. I suspect that is why you posted this topic. You may want to consider having him call you a different tender name. Maybe Nanna or NiNi or something.

Mother, momma, mom, mommy is too sacred.
When he is older, like a teen, and can take this issue on with his mother himself, he can choose to call you one of those if he desires. But at this age, you're really stepping on some very important toes.

And may I say, shame on your husband! This here is my 2 cents on the matter, and it will sound very judgemental, but it is the truth. He should know better. The best gift a father can give his children is to show their mother respect, even if it is undeserved. His children's emotional well being depends on it. Having another woman, no matter how close, call his children mother unless their mother is dead or completely out of their lives, is not showing their mother respect. Because he shows a lack of judgement in this area, have your eyes open to other similar areas where he may be naive or just stupid, lol. Just a warning from a voice of experience. Us wives need to be our husband's common sense sometimes.

On another note, how wonderful that you have such a loving relationship with your stepson. I think that is a blessing for both of you, and he is a very lucky little boy to have so much love. 

Name: Lizzi | Date: Jun 11th, 2006 9:55 PM
If I had them I would insist they call me by my first name as they would truly only have 1 mother. 

Name: nicole jones | Date: Jun 11th, 2006 11:15 PM
Thanks for your reply. I dont take offense at all, I wanted other peoples oppinions. I don't know if i'm going to ask Jack to stop calling my mommy, but if I do I think that NiNi will probably be my suggestion to him. He has called me that before. I think calling me mom is comfortable for him because when we're in a store he gets to actually say "hey ,mom and dad" instead of having to use my first name (which he's never been able to do, because they got divorced when he was only a couple months old). I see your point though. thanks for the input. 

Name: Layne | Date: Jun 12th, 2006 2:25 PM
It doesn't matter if he calls you mom or mommy. They know who the real mom is. I would let the child decide. my son calls my husband dad. He has been a step parent for 15 years starting at age 9. his father doesnt make issue of it and neither would i. i would be greatful he had a step parent he felt a bond with enouph to call mom or dad. It could go the other direction the child could be in a horrible situation where the step parent doesnt treat the kid good at all. Kids dont decide to be in two families we put them there. grow up. 

Name: chelsie | Date: Jun 27th, 2006 4:28 PM
i recently got married and my husband has a 3 year old and when i first met my husband i taught his son to call me chelsie cause even after we got married i didnt want him to call me mom or mommy cause im not his mother and i will never take the place of his mother and i dont ever want him to feel uncomfortable around me. 

Name: nicole jones | Date: Jun 27th, 2006 8:20 PM
what if he feels MORE comfortable seeing Daddy kiss Mommy than Daddy kiss Chalise? i would just think about letting him decide. kids want normal. and even if it's just a title - it makes an unnatural situation seem a little more normal. 

Name: nicole jones | Date: Jun 28th, 2006 1:10 AM
typo on your name there... sorry about that. 

Name: Pedra | Date: Jun 28th, 2006 8:23 PM

Name: Sunny | Date: Jun 29th, 2006 10:51 PM
My stepkids mom forbid me from requiring the kids to call me Momma or some alternative when I first married into the family and let them move into my home. I could never get
"Sunnymom" to work and felt it important not to be called by my first name, I thought I should get a little more respect than that. Well I don't. Now 5 years later their mom stops by and uses "Dad" to my face in refering to her husband's schedule. I was confused and asked her to clarify and she repeated it, and then says well, "our dad", I don;t know what you guys schedule is.
I talked to the youngest, and he says he occasionally calls him "dad".
I am so heated, they don't even give me the respect of our adult neighbors, or their teachers. And I feel their mom undermined my authority and sabatogued my efforts to draw my own boundaries. They are the only children that call me by my first name, shouldn't they have more respect for me than my nieces, nephews and neighbor children? 

Name: nicole jones | Date: Jun 29th, 2006 11:10 PM
Sunny - I would just remind the children that it's okay for them to call you mom,Tell the kids "i know your mother may not approve, but when you're with me at my house then things are different..." but only at your house. I'm a big believer in "your house, your rules" and she doesn't have any power past your front door. Dont force the kids - no harm in letting them know that you'd prefer it, but it's their decision. 

Name: sunny | Date: Jun 29th, 2006 11:48 PM
What about respect? should I give them the choice to call me anything they want? I feel I should at least be Mrs. Name_withheld. We have joint custody and have them about 40% of the time. Nobody in my very large family has had step-kids, so I have no experience with that. They taught my daughter to call me Sunny, even though I asked to not be called Sunny in front of the baby! I feel like Rodney Dangerfield: "I don't get no respect" I've also been excluded form most of their educational process, even when offering to pay to get them out of our horrible public school system (worse than most in the country). I'm alone with them most the day, but feel like I'm walking on eggshells when I correct them. One will tell their mom I said she was a pathetic parent or some other lie if one gets mad for being corrected. Just to get back at me, they have various ways of putting me in their place. They even told me "We do enough chores at home, we just want to relax when we get here." Not only is this not "home" but they expect it to be some sort of resort. There I've vented. 

Name: nicole jones | Date: Jun 30th, 2006 12:04 AM
lol... have you read all my other posts on the "divorced family" forum? i've gotten completely heated about the same stuff. If you really want them to call you mom (most people suggest not making them) but you can always just make them. It may not be exactly kosher, but you are the adult and they are the kids. It is your house and your rules. if my son didn't want to call me "mommy" then i probably wouldn't make him, but that is always an option. i'll copy/paste my "rules for stepmoms" in a second, you might appreciate them. 

Name: jegnor | Date: Jul 9th, 2006 4:09 PM
My children are 12,9,7 and they do not have a new step mom but they do have a step father. My children know there father and love there father just as they love there step father ( my husband) I could not imagine them call my husband dad out of simple respect that i could not imagine them calling any one else mom. They have one dad and one mom and that is the way i see it. They call my husband there step dad matt to othere people and to him they call him there "buddy". Every one has there own oponions about that subject. 

Name: Serina | Date: Jul 9th, 2006 5:03 PM
I think the kids (if they are old enoguht) should decide what to call the step parent.The kids Sometimes call me Mom Serina what ever they are most comfortable with. My Step daugther is now 12 now wants to call me Mom. She says it just does not feel right to call me by my first name. I like it when they call me Mom .

We have joint custody I do a lot of Mommy work for the kids and think calling me Mom is fine with me. They know that I am the step mom & they know who the bio mom is so what is the big deal if it make the kids happy.I am not taking away anthing from the bio mother.I am not just their friend or boss so calling me by my first name is not what I like but it is all about the kids.
It will be easier in the furture if they call the step - Mom or Dan EASIER FOR THE KIDS. Isn't that what is most important?? I think it is!
Esp if you have a blened family . I would not want a sepration of kids calling me My first name & Mom. I have no kids that are bio. but if I did I would want them all to call me Mom if they were old enoght to decide if not Mom it would be.
Good Luck Nichole 

Name: nicole jones | Date: Jul 9th, 2006 11:43 PM
Yup. I feel the same was Serina. I'm pregnant with my first bio child, and I love the fact that his brother/sister and him will be calling me the same thing. Anything else would feel strange. 

Name: nicole jones | Date: Jul 9th, 2006 11:43 PM
oops, submitted to early - I meant to say - anything else would feel strange because i will love them and take care of them the same. 

Name: bladerunnerx16 | Date: Jul 11th, 2006 7:09 PM
Let the kids decide. Tell them that it dosent matter what their real parents think, they can call you what they want. Some kids get very angry when a step parent asks them to call him/she Mom or Dad, so it si best to let them decide 

Name: Karen | Date: Jul 19th, 2006 6:45 PM
I have a three and half year old step daughter who has been in my life since she was 2 months old. My husband and her mom were never married and barely dated. They were young and got caught up. Anyway, she's a treasure. I'm actually expecting a son in November and she is thrilled to have a brother on the way. She doesn't call me mom. She calls me Kar-Kar and sometimes just stepmommy. She calls her mom's fiance Jay-Jay, not dad. I do think that one day though when she gets older when the other kids are around she will probably just call her stepparents mom & dad in the home since the other kids will be. But I would strongly suggest to leave that decision to the child and also make sure their biological parents are aware out of respect. 

Name: stacie | Date: Jul 19th, 2006 7:19 PM
Not many people take the necessary steps to help solve the issues you are currently experiencing. I applaud your outreach to this forum.

I'm actually working with a psychiatrist right now. His name is Dr. Keith Ablow, and based on his experience and likeablity my cpompany has given him a new daytime television show debuting in September. Dr. Ablow is a renowned psychiatrist who's goal is to advise, educate and inform, not to judge or sensationalize. The opposite of Dr.Phil's approach in every way. He's younger, approachable and genuinely interested in helping people strategize and take away tools for a healthier life. You may have seen Dr. Ablow on TV, he's a frequent guest on Oprah, Good Morning America, CNN, etc. as an expert. He was also a practicing psychiatrist in Boston. To find out more about Dr. Keith please visit www.keithablow.com

I'd love to hear more about your story and you're under no obligation to appear. You can reach me toll free at 1-888-372-2569 ext 4347 

Name: Ali L | Date: Jul 25th, 2006 1:22 AM
With all of the back-and-forth about what is/is not appropriate, I didn't see any good suggestions of an alternative name for kids to call a step-mom that isn't Mother, Mom, Mommy, etc. My step-9 year old tried calling me Mommy but it was too confusing. He is looking for something to call me that demonstrates a familial connection but isn't a derivative of "Mother." I know some step-dads that have used Pops, but I can't think of any maternal names. Ideas would be welcome! 

Name: There were suggestions | Date: Jul 25th, 2006 7:47 PM
Someone made a suggestion of nana or nanna or something like that 

Name: nicole jones | Date: Jul 26th, 2006 1:35 AM
Nana sound too much like a grandmother to me. But that's just my oppinion. I don't really have any suggestions - but I'd be interested to hear some also. 

Name: newStepdad | Date: Aug 1st, 2006 12:08 AM
I am about to move in with my girlfriend who has a 15 month old baby. I have two kids of my own (10, 17) who have main residence with there mother, but I see them frequently. We plan to have another child.

I have read this thread with interest, but my situation is different with my girlfriend’s child not being old enough to decide for himself what to call me. I would appreciate some suggestions in how to approach this. My girlfriend would like to refer to me as Dad to her son and I would be comfortable with that especially as we plan to have another child together. The bio father does not have an amicable relationship with my girlfriend and I know he will be very upset if we decide on Dad rather than an alternative. 

Name: momof3 | Date: Aug 1st, 2006 3:30 AM
I came into my step-sons life when he was 10 months old. I was always addressed by my name to him. When he started talking he started calling me mom. We tried to get him to stop, because we new that it would upset his mother. After awhile my husband said forget it, he wants to call you mom, let him. His mother was upset but my husband told her that he knows who is real mom is and who his stepmom is and that we tried. She has tried to teach him my name, (we know she is doing it because everyone calls me by my nickname and she uses my real name) He know is 6 still calls me mom, and he knows it upsets his mom, so to her he calls me by my name and if both her and I are around he just doesn't really address me by any name. But, I would like to point out that his mom picked him up here one day and he turned to me and started to say "mom i " and he stopped and looked over his shoulder to see if his mother could hear him and he whispered to me "mom i love you" and it about broke my heart that he feels that way. She has badmouthed me from the get go, and he feels torn. He loves me but is scared to make his mom made. I think that it is sad that she has made her feelings about me so clear to a little boy who is 6. I think everyone is these situations need to watch what they say in front of kids. Life is hard enough as a kid they need to feel like they can love who they want without feeling bad about it. 

Name: newStepdad | Date: Aug 1st, 2006 12:10 PM
Thanks momof3, I think the bio dad in my situation will react in the same way and I want to avoid my stepson feeling emotionally torn because of a name. I think I would be happy to be called by my first name if it wasn’t for the fact that we plan on having another child. This would mean my children call me dad, the new child would and this would leave my step son as the odd one out. 

Name: LACIE | Date: Aug 1st, 2006 1:31 PM

Name: sabrina | Date: Aug 1st, 2006 5:17 PM
my step kid calls me sabrina 

Name: momof3 | Date: Aug 1st, 2006 6:04 PM
new step-dad, That was a concern of mine as well, my husband and I went on to have 2 more children. We explain to my step-son that he is a very lucky little boy having 2 mommies that love him very much. As I said before, the children should come first and what ever they are comfortable with, that is what they should call you. And if any adults have a problem with that, they need to take a look at what is important. The kids!! 

Name: javaj9 | Date: Aug 1st, 2006 7:40 PM
I have been in my step-sons life since he was 1 1/2. He is now a little over 3. My husband has his son about 75% of the time, and we both work from home. We have always referred to me by my first name. About 8 months ago, when we pick him up from his moms he would start saying 'you're my babysitter' we explained no, i am you're stepmommy. every week, he would get in the car and repeat the same montra, 'you're not my stepmommy you're my babysitter'. We would just keep telling him no, i'm your stepmother. About 3 months ago, completely on his own and out of the blue, he started calling me mommy. We still refer to me by my first name, and have explained who mommy is and i'm stepmommy. But he still calls me mommy. This has infuriated his mother. She spends every weekend pounding into him that i'm not his mother, i'm just J**** or the babysitter, but it's not working. She now is telling me 'I need to work on him harder on not calling me mommy'. As a human being I understand she struggles with this, but as his stepmother I want him to have the freedom to express his feelings and not have to 'worry' what to say or not say in our house. Every bit of research we've done, every counsler we've talked to, says the same thing, Let the child choose. It's a very difficult situation to say the least.... 

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