Hello world I write this now as I feel , well i dunno what i feel at the moment nothing.. im just tired but i cant sleep.
There it goes again, it comes an goes in short bursts very quick i know this feeling... its heartache but im cognitivly awear of the reasons I'd be upset and so I am trying not to be upset.
I have been looking after my daughter since she was five months old... me and my mother (half the time) had to take her from here there and everywhere to find out what why she was not walking or chewing or talking.. found out she had Autisim when she was turning 3.
My daughters mother is to me, a million things, I wont lie I do love her, but sometimes i wish i did not because she is gone, shes very very gone so much so i tell myself to just spit the dummy so to speak, drop the torch, let go an carry on..
I know i must do this for my daughter, my daughter has made me a stronger person, many nights I have cryed myself to sleep an many days she has many laughs everyday is amazing jus recently got her into using the toilet still along way to go i know but she has gone wee on the toilet for me 3 times now in the past two days, so many emotions are not good for me... I am a man so this is all to much an exhausting at times.. but i really dont have a choice because I am the only one my daughter has.
My daughters mother has had another child to another man, shes about 9 months old now... they seem happy all i want is for her to be happy and I have had them over together once.
She said to me a few days ago he cheated on her, an abused her... this makes my mind confused.
I know, i have to move on, i have to move on, i tell myself i dont want to be a homewrecker, she says she loves me, an she knows i love her.. I dont get any of it
prehaps i need to make a move? but how could i handle the rejection? am i being foolish? should i just go out and sleep with another woman an try an move on? because i have tryed that twice already an it aint really worked, i still find myself attracted to her, thinking about her, feeling these feelings when i think about her..
I try to be logical, so i have realised it well could be jus becuase we have had a child together that i feel this way, an that im not special to her because shes had another child to another guy anyway an hasnt left him an he has CHEATED on her an apparently abused her yet shes still with him...... mind you he has a car and a drivers licence an lives with her... and I live with my mum an i dont drive a car not own a car nor have a licence...
Yet, this house is just me an my daughter 80% of the time... my mum has become a heavy drinker again since shes had her new boyfriend, an in time is moving out to live with him.. I cant take the house cos ive moved out of home in the past so i have to write letters an have the peadiatric write a note an the OT workers an a few others telling the government I need to be able to BUY the house because my daughter is really connected to the house an weve recently had a fence put up around the front yard so she can play out front...
I dont expect anyone to have read this far about someone elses life... but if you have could you spare me a thought? my friends are always not interested in listening to me, they cant not comprehend so they shoot me down an insult me for still careing an loving my daughters mother, who they (and much of my family and my daughters mothers family) consider to be a cold an calous bitch... this hurts my feelings an when ever ANYONE starts being nasty about her I ask them not to around me..
anyway i know that as soon as i post this im going to feel uncomfortable, i always feel paranoid, scared an kind of stupid weak an whineing.. but this is the only way i ever get this out, i am going to submit anyway *deep breath* ↓
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