I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland. ↓
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| Name: jennmom1 | Date: Nov 25th, 2006 11:31 AM |
rachtwins,
Well Put! I like the ways you described that. As difficult as it was to find out my son has autism I wouldn't trade him for the world. He brings so much to my life and because of his disability I never take the little things for granted. My son will do the smallest thing and it will bring tears to my eyes and I watch friends and family with kids who do new things and so often those things are overlooked. I am so grateful for each thing he does. He truly blesses my life and he helps those around him become more accepting and loving people. Yay for you! I like that story. ↑ |
| Name: niffer66 | Date: Nov 25th, 2006 10:33 PM |
| I disagree. I could only be so lucky to be in Holland. This seems much more like Malaysia or Kuait. ↑ |
| Name: jennmom1 | Date: Nov 26th, 2006 10:01 AM |
niffer66,
I understand how difficult things can be. But have you thought about all that your child adds to your life? How lucky you are for everything they bring to you? Has your child made you a more compasionate person? While you have been busy trying to teach them have they actually taught you something? We can't change that our children have this disorder but we have control over how we see it. I'm not saying that there won't be tears or bad days, but, it shouldn't feel like torture either. My son has his problems and we work through them together. He is such a blessing and I thank God for him everyday. I couldn't imagine my life without him. I know things get hard but try and remember all of the wonderful things your child has added to your life. God Bless ↑ |
| Name: niffer66 | Date: Nov 26th, 2006 3:06 PM |
| Yes, my child has brought a great deal of joy into my life. Realistically speaking, however, this seems more like a war zone than a vacation. My child has taught me many valuable lessons. He is only three, so I am sure that there are many more to be taught. At this time though, I find that most days are a battle. ↑ |
| Name: clarissa5 | Date: Nov 26th, 2006 10:37 PM |
| I have that same story in a book I have here at home. I liked it alot and at the time it eas also how I felt. ↑ |
| Name: onlinedizzy | Date: Nov 26th, 2006 10:57 PM |
| "Welcome To Holland" has been circulating around for a few years now. Some people find it inspirational. I am not sure about the copy right regulations on this forum but you might want to acknowlege where you got it from when you post some ones work. I personally don't feel it reflects the reality of our life raising 2 autistic chilren and its challenges. Niffer you might like to do a search on the web for "Holland Schmolland" by Laura Krueger Crawford. ↑ |
| Name: rachtwins | Date: Nov 28th, 2006 5:47 AM |
| I'm sorry I didn't mean to mislead anyone that I hadn't written this. I posted it as I found it inspirational as I just found out my twins are autistic. Hopefully Dizzy you will find peace in your childrens diagnoses and they are all still wonderful children. ↑ |
| Name: onlinedizzy | Date: Nov 29th, 2006 7:23 AM |
| Im sorry Rach I didn't mean to imply that you were saying it was your work. It is just that on some other sites we have had trouble with people not giving the name of their source and its a copy right thing. I didnt think you were saying you wrote it sorry! thanks for your good wishes. I am very accepting of my children and who they are. I am proud of their acheivements. But my goodness it is soooooo hard living with them. I won't go into detail as I am sure everyone has similar experiences of the things their kids with autism get up to. We all have our good and bad days but thre aren't any tulips or windmills in our lives. love Liz ↑ |
| Name: onlinedizzy | Date: Nov 29th, 2006 7:32 AM |
| p.s for anyone interested Welcome to Holland is by Emily Perl Kingsly c 1987. Another piece of work I have found helpful is by Jim Sinclair www.autistic.org/library/dontmourn.html called Dont Mourn For Us ↑ |
| Name: rachtwins | Date: Nov 29th, 2006 9:23 AM |
| Don't apoligise we all have our bad days. I'm still trying to come to terms with my boys diagnoses it was only done on friday and I'm just shattered ↑ |
| Name: mondo | Date: Nov 29th, 2006 3:43 PM |
| So true to the lives of Autistic folks and their families....it is nt what we expected for the rest of our lives but here it is, the grace of God gives us as parents the time of their babyhood to fall in love with them forever and begin a voyage of discovery of the most intrinsic ingredients of our human nature.....its a rollercoaster without doubt, but the highs are like Heaven and the lows are just a rainy day with a patch of blue on the horizon....:) ↑ |
| Name: onlinedizzy | Date: Nov 30th, 2006 12:01 PM |
| Rach,give yourself time. Youve got a lot to deal with. Know that your kids will learn and improve. Ive seen big changes in my son who is 6 1/2.Getting a diagnosis means you can get help for your sons and understand their behavior a little better. best wishes Liz ↑ |
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