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Name: ladygwen83
[ Original Post ]
I noticed a dramatic changed from before my daughter was diagnosed and after on how my side of the family (mainly my mother and her clan) decided to deal with her. When they though she was "normal" she was the prized grand daughter. We were invited to family events I saw my mom with my daughter almost every weekend. After she was diagnosed my mothers view towards her changed. The weekend visits to grandmas house turned from every weekend to none at all. When we finally got together this christmas she didn't even bother to get her any christmas presents because "she won't know about christmas or opening gifts" My husbands family did the complete opposite they got her gifts that were geared toward her sensory issues so that we could use them in therapy that she has every week. I had to quit my job so I could devote all of my time to all of therapy my daughter has every week, my mother completely frowned upon this and told me I was throwing my life away. She often tells me I would not be in this situation had I decided not to have my daughter which is the worst thing I have ever heard a mother say to her daughter. I am at a loss on how to deal with her. My mother in law has tried to take over the role as my mother and my daughters grandmother and its working for my daughter I dont think she is missing out on the grandmother granddaughter experience. But I do feel like I have lost a mother and it isn't like she doesn't understand my mother is a psychology major she has to know her behavior in this situation is wrong and how she is treating her granddaughter is wrong. I just wanted to see if anyone else had a similar problem or advice on how to deal with family members?
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Name: jonathans_mom | Date: Jan 20th, 2011 6:01 PM
My family has done that too and I feel like this if you can't treat my baby like he is a human being equal to the other children in the family well WE don't need you at all. I will not allow anyone to make my son feel like less just because of his autism 

Name: sue2 | Date: Jan 22nd, 2011 12:38 AM
ladygwen83
First of all you are one fantastic Mother, and I have the same issue,My Mother played favorites and my son was not one of them,my son is 18 now and sadly things never changed .I however came to terms with the fact that I could not make my Mother value my son any more than she did. so I do agree with jonathans_mom...anyone who does not show my son the compassion and understanding he deserves is placed at arms length.
YOU AND YOURS COME FIRST.
Take care 

Name: ladygwen83 | Date: Jan 22nd, 2011 2:19 PM
thank you both for your responses it really helped cheer me up I was starting to feel like the bad daughter for having to treat my mom this way but she has given me no other choice and maybe someday we can work on our relationship but it doesn't seem like its going to happen anytime soon. 

Name: sue2 | Date: Jan 22nd, 2011 4:11 PM
ladygwen83
I just wanted to add, I know its difficult especially when it involves a Family member, but you deserve to be surrounded by the positive and not let the negative get you down...easier said than done I know ,but we have enough REAL stress in our lives that drama from others is not needed or wanted,You and Yours always first regardless of anyone's opinion.. ..
PS. your not a bad Daughter your a great Mother. 

Name: Lisa M Costilla | Date: Jan 31st, 2011 4:50 AM
I have a 4 year ols son Josiah he was diagnosed with autisma almost three years ago. My mother in law was the one who told me there was somthing thing wrong with Josiah. Since he was born she has not offered to take him to stay the night. But almost every other weekens like clock work she takes my 8 year old son. I have a 2 year old doughter and she took her for the first time this weekend to stay over. But she will not take Josiah. I have asked her why but this is the way I see it Josiah is the most precious thing in my life and why should I share him with someone how dose not see what a gift it is to have him in life. YES it hurts but I would not chang Josiah for the world. If it gets really bad do the same to her and just get her out of your life. See if she likes it. When she calls, and she will! Tell her see it hurts. And tell her your doughter may not be able to say it but just like she feels so dose your doughter. It may take nights off crying your eyes out because your alone and you cant talk to your mom but it hurts more when they aske you "have they fixed her yet?" And you know like I know they may never fix her she will just get little better. And you need someone to be there when they do something even if its just "B B' we have to see the smallest thing and see it as a victory. 

Name: ladygwen83 | Date: Feb 9th, 2011 10:28 PM
Thank you Lisa :) I have stopped calling it has been hard these last few months ignoring her but I feel like until she is ready to accept my whole family then she is not included. She has made no attempt to even acknowledge her behavior she is playing dumb like she doesn't know what she did wrong. Once I cut her off I was able to put alot more focus and attention into my daughter and I have seen a better relationship develope between the two of us I wouldnt change it for the world :) 


Name: erachael | Date: Feb 10th, 2011 12:40 AM
It does hurt when family doesn't understand because you'd expect them to have unconditional love for your family. I have not had my mother reject my son, I would not even know how that would feel or what to think about that.

I do know that my family have said insensitive things such as:

Have I thought about putting him in a home?

I think your son is going to hurt my son.

That sort of stuff just makes you hurt inside for your child, but I don't fixate on it. I can't forget it but I'm not going to let it get me down.

One thing you must do is correct these individuals. Spell it out for them and if they still want to inflict some sort of pain in your life, limit their access to you and your family. Consider this to be self preservation. 

Name: Redvelvetcake58 | Date: Jul 24th, 2012 5:31 PM
Hello
I am a grandmother and I decided a long time ago to develop a thick skin when the children both were diagnosed with autism. We went through all the stares and comments while eating out, going to a park, attending an event or just arriving to school on the first day, but what I was not prepared for was the family abandonment and their reaction after we got the diagnosis. Imagine the father, the grandfather, the grandmother, the aunts, the uncles, the cousins and all others rejecting the child. I work as an officer of the law and my fellow officers always ask me how I manage to do all that is necessary for my twin granddaughters and I told them that I make it look easy because I use resources, my time, money management and networking to make helping them work for me. Those that choose not to get to know them....that is their lost....for me, I love being a grandmother and its the best rewarding job ever. 

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