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Name: Snoopy
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OK, my step daughters both belong to myspace. One is kept private, the other is public. Sometimes when I have free time at work, I will read through it. As well as family member profiles. Just a passtime. I have found out numorous things through this site, that obviosly aren'y good things. I have spoken to my husband about it on several occasions. But everytime he blew it off. Said they are kids. The girls are 14 and 17. The 17 year old has recently mentioned in her myspace that she is making jello shots on a regular basis,(it helps calm her nerves). And she just got her driver license, and I learned of a new game kids are playing in the car. It is called Padiddle. I am sure someone has heard of it? Well, I looked it up, and guess what? THis game involves spotting cars and the like with a headlight missing. If one is spotted, they tap the ceiling of the car, and the last one to do it has t take off an article of clothing. Thy have expanded this game to include whatever color car you want. Needless to say, the person with the least amount of clothes has to stay that way until they reach their destination. Umm, yep, it was proven through her profile that she is playing it. My husband was getting tired of me telling him what it always said, so I told him I wouldn't anymore. Well, a few days ago, I came across something she wrote about me. Pretty much told a friend that for someone who was supposed to be so intelligent, my step mother is a f'up. Now that I gave you a song and a dance, how am I supposed to address this? Do I let it be? It hurt me very mcuh to see this. And also, should I tell my husband about the padiddle game? I don't want to lose reading her myspace,(we have found out many of things in advance, and were able to intercept some of them. Please help!
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Name: Layne | Date: Sep 7th, 2006 4:18 AM
well daddy better wake up because little girl is gonna be in trouble. Good thing you do snoop. 

Name: pj754 | Date: Sep 7th, 2006 12:40 PM
Well, first of all, you are a concerned parent and you don't want to see the girls get into serious trouble. I wouldn't tell your husband any more things you saw on my space even though it's helped you both to intercept some things. When you find out some things on my space make suggestions to your husband that you don't think it would be a good idea for her to do those things because of safety reasons. Just put it to him as suggestions even though you already found out the truth from my space. Just tell him you have a funny feeling that something doesn't sound right. As for the comments from the 17 year old about you, she's probably angry because she wasn't allowed to do something at that paticular time. She's probably just venting and saying things she probably doesn't really mean. You could ask your husband if you heard of car game. Tell him you heard it from a friend or someone at work. Don't let him know you heard about it through my space. Then ask him the question if he thinks the 17 year old heard of it. Strike his curiosity about him asking his daughter. This way, you are not persay in the middle of it. You just putting little hints out there but your trying to get your husband to engage. You husband may feel all your trying to do is rat on the girls but we know that's not the case. You are only looking out for their best interest. So, you have to try to handle it differently. I don't know if my suggestion helps and perhaps you've already tried it. Keep us posted. 

Name: Snoopy | Date: Sep 7th, 2006 2:32 PM
Thanks for all your advice. It is good to know I have a place to turn when I need to vent. And someone always manages to make me feel better.

You are right, I am just looking out for the girls. Sometimes I wander why though. It seems like just when things seem right, I find out otherwise. It get's so frustrating when I read things like that. I put my whole heart into those girls! And I do it becaue I want to. But why bother if they don't like me anyway?

We also just found out that the 17 year old is NOT ALOUD to bring her car to our house on the days we have her. They live a mile or so away from us. So basically we were told by the Mom that we can drop her off in the morning at the other house to pick up her car so she can get to school. Which happens to be on our side of town. Ridiculous! And then we got a call yesterday from the 17 year old that maybe she should just stay at Mom's house so she doesn't have to wake up earlier then she has to! My husband is supposed to have a talk with them tonight, and he thinks this is going to turn into a huge fiasco, because he is going to say no, just bring the car to our house. Mom has been on a huge high for the past month, and it is almost time for her to turn into a pain in the butt again. Meaning if she doesn't get her way, she won't talk to my husband for months, will refuse to pay half of what she is supposed to, and threaten court every other day. THis coming from a woman who lives in a house that HE pays the mortgage for,(it is his house). She was supposed to pay rent,, but hasn't in three years plus! SHe now has a decent job, and since we know that, have been making her pay for some things herself for the girls. The extras, like camps, the car,since it was only 500.00 anyway. But now she thinks she has a hold over us because she paid for the car! Oh my! Will this ever end? 

Name: pam | Date: Sep 7th, 2006 6:55 PM
keep it to your self, some times kids say hurtful things of stupid reasons I know it hurts 

Name: pj754 | Date: Sep 9th, 2006 10:30 PM
To Snoopy--No, it will never end. Perhaps you may feel you will get some relief when the girls turn 18 but that won't be the case. You will probably have to deal with the ex's bs throught out the girls lives. Especially, when they get married and have children of their own. They will probably look to you and your husband for some sound advice and their mother will get bent. The girls mom is just bent because her ex husband moved on with his life. It sounds like all she's trying to do is make his life miserable. Hang in there!!! The 17 year old is saying things that I'm sure she will regret saying later on in her life. I'm sure for the most part, you all have gotten along well. She's at that age that she thinks she knows it all. Her feelings and moods will change. Even though you may think your efforts are worth anything, someday they will mean alot to the girls. All think positive and be as loving as you can be. They will look up to for such qualities. As for the ex, she sounds very selfish. Well, she has to live with her issues. Unfortunately, she will probably never change. What ever she does, don't let her get the best of you!!! I do hope things will work out for you. Your a good step mom!! Best of luck. 

Name: Snoopy | Date: Sep 11th, 2006 3:40 PM
Thanks for helping me deal with this situation.

I am at the point where I am not sure what to do anymore. Once again I find ore comments written about me in my stepdaughters comment pages. Should I just let this go? Or should I confront her about it? I know and understand kids sat hurtful things at times. Do you think it would help if I said something like: "You know, you can say what you want about me to whoever you want, but that isn't going to stop me from loving you?" I don't want to make a huge deal out of it, because regardless, we do have them half the time. And I wouldn't want to make it uncomfortable. Even though I am extremely hurt by it. Please help! 


Name: daisyusa | Date: Sep 11th, 2006 3:51 PM
In all honesty, you shouldn't be reading something that wasn't meant for you to read. You need to put yoursefl in her shoes and know that you would feel betrayed. You risk losing her if you keep this up. That being said, why don't you just have a heart to heart talk with her. She may just be saying things like that to make herself look better to her friends. Also, a lot of teens are embarrased by their parents and say such things to their friends. You need to learn to trust her and make absolutely sure that she can feel free to talk to you about anything. Yes, I realize you want to keep her safe, but how are you doing that by betraying her. Please rethink what you are doing and be a parent instead of a spy. I'm not saying you're a bad parent, but I think you have made a poor choice about reading her space. How do you spend quality time together? Is there something that just the 2 of you can enjoy as stepmother and stepdaughter? I pray things work out for you. God bless. 

Name: Lizzi | Date: Sep 11th, 2006 5:33 PM
Honestly if their dads not so interested then you should let it go as hard as it may be for you. It's interesting to me that you bring up the Padiddle thing because when I was a teen,many years ago,I had a boyfriend and everytime we passed a car with a headlight out him and his friend would hit the inside roof and yell Padiddle,only that was it. I never knew there was more to it than that,or supposed to have been! I just thought they were immature goofballs! I guess the rules must have changed somewhere along the line since then huh? 

Name: Sheila | Date: Sep 11th, 2006 6:02 PM
Yikes!! Teenage girls are a handful... Face the problem dead on!!! Confront your little miss thang! Tough love is what she needs! But don't forget to be understanding, patient, and listen. And for the comment she made about you? Don't let it bother you! Let her know in a nice way that it came back to you.... Any girl with a little heart should feel bad! 

Name: Snoopy | Date: Sep 11th, 2006 6:46 PM
DaisyUSA, But, myspace is a free site! Anyone can read it unless they put it to private. Chances are she may even be writing it knowing I read it. Regardless of her being my step daughter or not, she is still slandering me through a site. I will not even go into detail about what is being said. Just know some of it is extremely hostile, and if she wasn't my step daughter, I would really be reporting her to myspace right about now. Anyway, I am trying to be the adult in all this. What really hurts though is the fact that I thought our relationship was strong.

Lizzi, things sure have changed! I am not saying I was little miss innocent when I was a teen, but I know for a fact I never played strip anything in a car!

Sheila, I think I am going to bring it up to her, and in a nice way. That way she knows I know. And maybe she will even make her myspace private, so I won't see.

Thanks for all your advice!

Lol, now question is, how can I say it nicely? Should I also add in that I would appreciate it if she leaves stops using my name on the computer? I rather not see it, and I rather not hear it from other people? Or should I just stick with what I wrote in the prior reply? 

Name: daisyusa | Date: Sep 11th, 2006 10:17 PM
In that case, I would just get it out in the open. You can't hold it all in, it's not healthy. Just aproach her and tell her you'd like to talk. Ask her if she feels there is a problem with your relationship. If she denies it, bite your tongue and calmly let her know what you found. It might be a good idea to have your husband with you since he's kind of on middle ground.

I really do hope things work out, you sound like a stepmom who wants to do the right thing.

God bless. 

Name: winnipegermom | Date: Sep 11th, 2006 10:20 PM
A lot of times kids say things that are not true for attention etc....If your 17 year old daughter Is doing this, then at 17 no matter what you or your husband say will not change anything (she may actually do worse stuff). As for being a snoop, if it is a public space it is not snooping. Also, if your husband does not want to hear about it dont tell him any more. 

Name: pj754 | Date: Sep 12th, 2006 3:33 PM
To Snoopy---Perhaps your step daughter knows you are looking at her site and she's saying things hurtful things just to purposely make you mad. However, don't let her know how much your hurt by these comments. I still wouldn't comfront her about you reading her my space comments but you could ask her, "What have you done to her to make her hate you so much?" If she asks what do you mean, just tell you that you know she makes hateful comments about you because you have heard here and there from people and you are just trying to understand why? I wouldn't give away your source as to how you found out and don't tell her exactly word for word what she said but changes things around a bit. Then she'll be wondering where you heard it from and what you know. I do this with my daughter. I hear about things she says or does and don't tell her my source but it keeps her on her toes. I explain to her that I can find out about alot of things even though she may think they are hidden. Sometimes, I've come across her journals but I don't say anything to her about them. I do give her some space but if there is something that I find inappropriate, I address it to her in a different way so that she can think about what she is doing. Although, my daughter is only 12 and she's not experiencing bad things but I want to correct her way of thinking to prepare her for her future years. There are times she comes to me to talk about issues with her friends and boy friends. It's hard to hold my tongue because I've read things in her journals and already know what she's thinking or trying to say. So, in a loving way, you have to be positive and listen. Then offer your comments when asked upon. Explain to your step daughter that you are not trying to be her enemy, you just want to help with any issues she may have going on. If she clams up, just let it be but end with how you hear about such things said and that your sure she wouldn't like it if someone was saying those things about her. You could tell her perhaps someone already is. I don't know if this helps but you have to try to be one or two steps ahead. Since, she's trying to hurt you, lay off in being so kind and generous while you are shopping with her. Explain to her that you give rewards for good behavior. Saying mean and hurtful things are not considered as good behavior. You could ask her exactly how one of her friends would react if they were treated in such a way? Of give her an example of one of your friends teenager doing the same thing she's doing to you and how the mom is handling it. Shift the blame as it's happening to someone else and not you. This will get her thining. Good luck and I hope this else. 

Name: Snoopy | Date: Sep 12th, 2006 6:42 PM
You make so much sense, PJ! Unfortunetely the problems go way beyond hurtful messeges in my space. I am almost willing to accept it. I think what really bothers me more is how her and her sister treat my husband. He has learned over the years to just shut it off, push it away and pretend it never happened, or was never said. They also write bad things about him too, and even to his face call him stupid, or an idiot, or just shut up! I have only heard him get angry at them once, and it was only for a minute. He is nothing but nice to them. They are 17 and 14. A few weeks ago I promised him I wouldn't tell him anymore about what they said in myspace. I only read it because one, it is a public site, (she could put it to private, and 2, sometimes it is the only way to find out what is going on in their heads. I always used it in a structual way, and if I read anything not so nice, would use the reverse on them. Last night he talks with them, and finds out that the 17 year old is very adamint about not coming to our house anymore. She now has a car, and she thinks she can just pick up and go. Problem is, Mom made a rule that she isn't aloud to bring the car here, so we have to drive her home every time she wants to go out, or take one of our cars. (The rest of that story is a few threads up,or down). I don't understand why they hate their father so much. I have had a few talks with them, but all they say is they feel he treats them like a child, and he doesn't allow them to be their own person. I have been there, and not once have I ever seen him treat them that way! It is so frustrating! It does not matter what we say or do, we are always wrong! And Mom is ALWAYS right. Will this ever change? And how the heck can we keep the 17 year old from not coming around anymore? Should we just give up? I am at the point where maybe it would be less stressful for us if that was to happen. But I feel so horrible for my husband. I know how much he loves them, as well as I. Any suggestions?

Thank you so much for all your words of wisdom. 

Name: Sheila | Date: Sep 13th, 2006 11:56 AM
Snoopy, If, let's say that she is indeed writing this stuff about you on purpose knowing that you are reading it. She may be reaching out to you and needing more attention from Dad. Does he spend alot of time talking to her? 

Name: Sheila | Date: Sep 13th, 2006 12:00 PM
P.S. And if she is trying to make you mad or upset.... Don't let it. She may be trying to control you in this way. Don't reinforce negative behavior. Pay attention to the positives. And kill her with kindness. 

Name: Snoopy | Date: Sep 13th, 2006 2:26 PM
Thanks Sheila.

Dad till this day, tries to talk to them. And all he get's back in return is back talk. It doesn't matter what he talks to them about. Nothing he or I say is ever right. And nothing we do is ever right either. They have this way of talking all the time with that attitude thing going. And they always seem to ignore him when he tries to talk too. I will never forget about a month ago. We had gone to my family reunion, and ny husband went to say something to the 17 year old. Do you know she put her hands over her ears, and started rocking back and forth saying make him stop, make him stop, and she was crying! Of course my husband ignored it. But that really bothered me! I didn't want to make a big deal about it then, and I sort of put it to the back of my head too. But this is how they seem to be a lot of the time. They totally shut down with him. They seem to talk to me a lot more, although I have to say the past several times they were at the house, I didn't say much at all to them. I am just frustrated and very hurt how we are being treated. I am a tell it like it is person, and am scared that if I stay around them long enough, I am going to go off at the mouth. And I am not sure that will make matters better or worse. I don't know, maybe I should sit down and try to talk to them. Bottom line is they think he treats them like babies. And personally I think he is extremely lenient with them! Geeze! I know my dillemma isn't as horrible as a lot of families out there, but I have to say this has been making me looney! What do you think I should do? I always had a pretty good relationship with the girls beforethe car came into the picture. And I don't want to have to walk on egg shells in my own house either!

Thanks! 

Name: Sheila | Date: Sep 13th, 2006 2:51 PM
Snoopy, I think that 14 and 17 are really tough ages to have a close parent/child relationship. Keep in mind that the better road to take is the one that is patient and understanding and keep faith that some day they will look back and know how badly they treated you both. Be strong and firm in your beliefs, but also know that some of it's not in your hands and you have to let it go. Change your focus. At least for your own sanity. 

Name: pj754 | Date: Sep 17th, 2006 1:43 PM
To Snoopy---Wow, the 17 year old sounds like a real pain in the butt. Your husband needs to put his foot in her butt and believe in it. Unfortunately, he's not willing to do so. On that note, you really can't do too much about it. What you can do is point out to the daughters all the things their father does for them. Like if it wasn't for him, the wouldn't have a nice house to live in. If it wasn't for him, they wouldn't have money to go shopping or money to go to the movies. If you do take them shopping, you should tell them that they need to thank their father because he was the one that gave you the money to take them. Do things like that. I'm sure when the time comes for them to go off to college, they will bugging dear ole dad to things they need. Perhaps you can try to explain it to them that those things wouldn't happen if it wasn't for their dad working so hard to make ends meet. If they start throwing a fit like covering their eyes when talking with them or continue to say rude things on my space, then your husband should tell them that he's not going to reward bad behavior. He can tell them as their father his responsibility is to put a roof over their heads, food in their stomachs and clothes on their backs. Everything is considered a luxurary and he doesn't have to provide it. Instead of purchasing them brand new clothes from store, he could take them to a second hand shop to get their clothes. I'm sure they wouldn't go for that but it is clothes and no where does it say he has to provide brand new. Play their little games back on them. Since the 17 year old has a car at her mom's house, don't give her any gas money. If she doesn't already have one, it might be a good idea for her to get a job so she can purchase the things that she does want. If her mouth continues to run away with her, then your husband can tell her she has to go outside and do yard work. Put the rules down and don't give up. It sounds like you can only be her best friend when she wants you to be. She is acting rather spoiled. You both can put a stop to spoiling her. Remember, you are the adults and she needs to learn to respect that. I hope this helps. 

Name: momof3 | Date: Sep 17th, 2006 3:35 PM
You sound just like my mom!! She has 2 stepdaughters, one moved out, but the ont that still lives there is awful as well. My mom was checking out their myspace and printing the things out to show my stepdad and he really didn't care either. They talk crap about my mom all the time, when she has been more of a mother than their own mother. Just now that you are not alone and in my mind your doing what is right. Looking out for their well being. Someone has to. 

Name: Snoopy | Date: Sep 18th, 2006 5:00 PM
Thanks for all your support! I do feel so much better after I read some of the posts.

Things are not going well. My husband is about to give up on them. I know it isn't the right thing to do, but we have tried every angle,and nothing seems to work. Last night after dinner he asked how a party they went to the night before was. We got a it was fine, in a very sacastic manner. He tried several more times to ask questions, and all we got back was attitude. I am so fed up with it. This morning he woke up and looked at me and said, "You know what, I think their Mom is putting things into their head, and telling them to be this way. Maybe they are trying to get us so upset so that way we will be the ones to give up and say, don't come over anymore". I seriusly think this is it too. I really do not want to see this happen,I know how much he loves them, and I love them too, regardless. But the game playing has to stop! It has gotten so bad that the 17 year old HID the hair straightener on me this morning! Because she thinks I lost the digital camera! I really think that they need to be taught a lesson, but how can I do that without acting childish? All this stemmed from their Mom buying the car for the 17 year old. And now all of a sudden they hate me! All I want is for it to be the same way it was a month ago! I think Mom started talking bad about me because they may have gone back to her and said they actually may have had a good time doing something we all did together. My husband is trying. Please help! Thanks again! 

Name: pj754 | Date: Sep 23rd, 2006 8:25 PM
To Snoopy---I'm sorry to hear your step daughters are still causing trouble. I recently won custody of my 13 year son, who is miserable living in my home. He has stated that he doesn't want to be here. I explained to him that according to the law in Illinois, he has no choice to be hear until two years after my divorce from his father. So, in the mean, let's just try to make the best of things. The only thing I expect for him to do is to apply himself in his school work because if he doesn't, I will not allow him to play sports which is something he loves the most. He knows just how serious I am about this because last year, I pulled him from the basketball team because his grades were not up to par. I explained that it's time for him to step up to the plate and learn how to handle his responsibilities. We can not do it for him. He's been here for about a week now. He's been really cold and distant towards us. When I ask him questions about his day, all I get is short answer responses. I know how angry he is being here. What kid wouldn't want to live in a home that has no rules and discipline like his father's home is? My husband and I have decided that since my son doesn't want to engage in my family environment, we will give him the same kind of treatment he is giving us. I know this sounds rather childish but I look at this as you receive what you give. Well, after about a week, I've started to notice my son opening up a little at a time. He's starting to talk more and even laugh when the rest of us are laughing. He jumped into my husbands lap to try and wrestle with him. That was a sign of the son I knew was there inside of him. I had a friend, who was working the concessions at the kids school, told me she could see a difference in my son while standing in the concession line the minute his father walked in. At first my son was bubbly and joking with her children until his father walked in. Then my son moved out of the way to stand behind his dad and wiped his smile off his face. It's sad to hear other people tell me how much my son is hurting inside. As much as I want him to open up to me, he's afraid of his father and what he would say or do to him. My friend is trying hard to keep an eye on him and to see if she can get him to open up to her. He really likes her and has had good conversations with her in the past. His father has twisted his mind so much that he's confused at what to do. No kid should ever have to live their life walking on egg shells. Since, my son came back home, I have given him a lot of space. I'm not smoothering him and I'm not going to kiss his butt either. I can only hope in time, he will realize that my husband and I are not the evil ones. He can see how much his younger sister and brother cling to us and perhaps he may feel left out. Yet, I'm not going to force him because I don't want him to feel resented. So, we take one day at a time.
Instead of giving up on your daughters, give them the same kind of treatment they give the both of you. Don't bend over backwards for them. If they happen to say anything about it, just explain that you both don't reward bad behavior. When they can start learning how to behave like proper young girls without the childish attitudes then you both will treat them the way they deserve to be treated. Don't explain to them what your plans are---just do it. After a while of the silent cold treatment, they will be puzzled by your actions. Don't give in to their demands. Especially, hiding your hair straightener was rather rude and mean. Therefore, you are not obligated to do any extra things for them that they ask. Stand firm with your rules. When you both say no, mean it. If they don't want to talk, you and your husband can talk between yourselves without including them. This will drive them nuts. It sounds like their mom is putting ideas into their heads. They are old enough to see what's going on but they choose to ignore it. That's ok because you can ingnore it too. I hope what I've said hasn't offended you. They are trying to worm their way into getting what they want. You can't give into that. The sad thing about all of this is it kills us parents more so than them. But they have to realize, if you didn't care about them at all, you would allow them to do whatever it is they wanted with no discipline what so ever. I hope this helps. Keep me posted. 

Name: pj754 | Date: Sep 23rd, 2006 8:39 PM
To Snoopy---Sorry, if forgot to add more. Your probably right about the mom talking bad about you. Don't let them know how much this may affect you. Make a point for you and your husband to laugh and joke with each other. Really put the show on that the two of you are having a good time. Invite other people to your home while the girls are there. Make things fun. They are expecting you to become upset with them and that's exactly what their mom wants. She doesn't want her girls to have a good time at their dad's house. Keep planning activities as a family because they will probably enjoy themselves. Only give into the family activities not the activities they want to do without the two of you. If they sit quietly at the dinner table, make sure you and your husband keep up the positive spirits. Maybe the girls see just how miserable their mom is and it's filtering into them. Soon, they will get tired of being around miserable people or being miserable themselves. Yet, misery does love company. It's another torn the mom is trying to stick into your family arrangement. My ex continues to try to do this to us but it doesn't work which infurriates him. Perhaps you can try doing some silly things in front of the girls that you know they will laugh at. Set up the ideas that you are happy and having alot of fun no matter how the girls feel about you. When my children come home from their dads, they sit in the livingroom with my husband and I. We talk about their sports games, play with our 10month old or watch a funny movie. My husband is a practical joker so anything that comes out of his mouth is always funny. You can never help but laugh at what he says. It will come to a point that your daughter will feel more relaxed and comfortable being at your home. They will want to come more often. Kids enjoy entertainment but you can do it in a way that doesn't cost you a dime. Have friends over, play cards, games, etc....They will get the idea that your home isn't as bad as they thought. All of this will take time but they will come around. I hope things will get better. Cheer up, mom, you are doing the best you can. It's not you at all, it's just mind games of their mom. 

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