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Ok, here's my problem. Two years ago, I divorced my ex husband and my daughter (then 12) was really pushing us to divorce. I wanted the divorce so it wasn't her fault. Anyway, I am now remarried and my husband and I are are really big on rules because we have 6 children. She is the only girl so she thought she should get special prevalages but that's not fair to the other ones. When she didn't get it, she decided that she wanted to go live with my ex. Of course I fought her and she started making our lifes impossible so I gave in and let her go thinking that it would do her good to see what he is like. Well, she is now getting as bitter and disrespectful to me. He is teaching her how to be rude and it kills me to see him do that to her. I only gave him temp. custody until the end of the school year so I don't know if I should just go get her or do I let it ride for the next 5 months. What do I do??? please help. ↓
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| Name: Lizzi | Date: Dec 30th, 2006 7:40 AM |
| Well there's no since in bringing her back home to you if she is just going to treat you like dirt. I'd wait it out and see if she eventually has a change of heart on her own because afterall,living with her dad can't be peaches and cream all the time. Give her the space she wants and see what happens,she might start to miss you alot more than you think,and it's better for everyone if she wants to come back on her own,otherwise there will just be tons of fights,arguments,disagreements,yelling,anger,hurt feelings,and slamming doors. Don't force her,let her come back on her own. ↑ |
| Name: tweetybird4 | Date: Dec 30th, 2006 2:35 PM |
Since, you did give your ex temp. custody, perhaps the best thing is to let her go for the next 5 months. I, too, am experiencing similiar things except my son is living with me. But, he is making everyone's lives miserable because he wants to live with his dad. At first, I didn't want to give in to him by giving him what he wants but I don't want the other family members to continue living on eggshells when he is around. Unfortunately, your daughter has to see things the hard way. It's tough love. It doesn't mean you stop loving her but she has to see things through her own eyes because she is unwilling to listen to you and hubby. As much as you are trying to save her from walking down the path of destruction, she is unwilling to listen. You have a tough road ahead but it's your house, your rules. If she feels she can't follow them, then living with her dad only to get her way is all she sees right now. You can talk and explain until your blue in the face but she had her mind made up at what she wants---freedom from any and all rules. Honestly, what kid wouldn't want the freedom? However, your ex needs to be a responsible parent but doesn't seem to care. Yet, it doesn't mean your a bad parent or bad mother for letting her go. You are trying so hard to be reasonable and understanding but you can't when she is unwilling to be reasonable in return. My son is doing the same thing to me. If I was to do it all over again, I shouldn't have fought so hard to keep him in my home. It's not that I don't want him to love his father but I wanted him to experience the best of both worlds. All I ask of him is to treat me with the respect I deserve. Yet, he does nothing but bad mouth for any of my efforts I try to do for him. Well, no more, I'm not going out of my way for him anymore. Sure, I will still do the motherly duties that I'm obligated to do but nothing extra. He is very unappreciative. He tries to manipulate into getting his way and that's a quality he's learned from his father. Unfortunately, his father will have his hands full. My son is taking his life for granted and missing all the moral points of learning how to be a proper young adult that will benefit him in his adult life. So, since, I'm not going to reward him for his bad behavior, he cusses me up and down. If my crime is trying to be the responsible parent, then so be it. He won't realize anything I've said until something drastic does happens in his life to make him look back at himself and his behavior. He has made his choice to not be apart of our family and for that, he and only he is going to suffer. I don't have the energy to continue to fight in making him understand. He's at this age that he thinks he has all the answers. I truly believe if his father wasn't encouraging him to be so disrespectful, he would be a completely different kid. They both think that the stunts they pull get under my skin but it doesn't. I have to focus on the rest of the family members that love me because I am their mom and I do go out of my way for them and they appreicate it. My son's main focus is on material things which doesn't bring you happiness. Another quality of his father. So, for now, I continue to walk on the egg shells just to get through the day to day drama. Yet, when the time comes for the discipline, I don't give up on it, either. It's a part of life.
You are trying to do the right thing, so follow what your heart is telling you. Sure, your going to feel the hurt and pain, she is causing you but there will come a day in her life when she realizes what you have being trying to do all along. The love from you is what she isn't seeing. So, stand your ground, be firm and until she gives you the respect you deserve is when you can work on your relationship with her. I don't know if any of my advice has helped but your not the one in the wrong. For now, your ex is creating something that neither one are going to realize the harm that was done. Yet, it will come around but it's going to take some time, patience and love. That's all you can hope for. You take care, focus on your family and hopefully, your daughter will see the happy family you have created. You will have to wait for her to realize this when she is older but that's all you can do. I wish you all well and I'm very sorry your experiencing this. It's never something we imagined for any of our children. We all pictured a rosy life full of love, honor and respect. Please keep us posted on any developments or even if you just want to vent. ↑ |
| Name: kitty gautheir | Date: Dec 31st, 2006 12:16 AM |
| Thank you Lizzi and tweety, your advice was very helpful. It is helpful knowing that there are other's who are going through the same thing, as bad as I hate it. She did call me today and talked about.....actually nothing but it was nice knowing that she thought about me. She has been down there for almost 2 months and has called me just to talk a couple of times. I too think that sometime down there would still be good and he will eventually hang himself in the future. I guess it's I want her to come home so bad. I just pray that all the time down there doesn't screw her up in the future. We've have keep praying for our youths and just put our faith in Christ. Thank you guys so much for being her for me. It means alot. May God bless you all. ↑ |
| Name: mini mouse | Date: Jan 5th, 2007 3:09 PM |
| Kitty from Mini Mouse......Hi I just read your story and I know exactly what you are feeling ...Going through a lot of the same things.. I know you are hurting . I actually felt like my life with my daughter as I knew her and she knew me was over and it felt like a death. I have never cried so much in my life... I realize that things will never be like they were and I would never be like I was to her as a mom because she lives with her (my ex) dad . The pain of that reality was very sobering and surreal. I have grown though in so many ways...ways I couldn't have if I didn't go through this. My daughter is 15 she has chose to live with her dad...It will be 2years in Feb. and we are just now having some normal routine together. It is still very fragile...because she is fed so much anger and bitterness from my ex's side... but I am begining to see some light at the end of this tunnel. I have prayed too and have used knowledge God gave me...my brain and good oldfashioned love...yes tough love ...I have learned that love is a two way street you can't give love to someone who doesn't choose to accept it...try as you may but it won't happen...Love is active , yes, but it has to be embraced by willing participents in order to grow,experience,risk,and have relationship...I found out the hard way...I can't do anything to cause or make my daughter love me in myself not even God could make that happen . She has to come to that decision herself and then we can begin to work on relationship....and guess what it is begining to happen after 2 years we are just begining to create something new and fresh and yes very fragile because love is relating to someone who is different than yourself and is by far imperfect , but not impossible....be patient ,,,my dear... it could take a while if she isn't willing...but when she's ready ...you be ready too....If you need to talk ,just give me a shout...Mini Mouse ↑ |
| Name: dragraught | Date: Jan 5th, 2007 8:57 PM |
well i cant say much i am 14 also and have the same problem.
i understand ur daughters feelings. i have the same ones. my parents are in the middle of a divorce and my mom likes her boss. i like him but then my mom told me that after her divorce that they would get together. i heard somstuff on his b-day morning and it made me sick. but anyways i see your daughters veiw and maybe she didnt like the fact that a new person was in her life. maybe she tried to deal with it and she just couldnt after a while. but i am not to say i am only 14 years old. but i can try to help just send me some messages. my account name is dragraught. ↑ |
| Name: mini mouse | Date: Jan 6th, 2007 2:30 AM |
| dragraught...Just read your entry...I would love to keep talking to you. It is helpful to talk to someone near my daughters age about these things...I am sorry about your parents divorcing...I know it is not what you thought would happen. Can you tell me how it makes you feel? Is there anything you would share with me about this that you couldn't say to your parents right now that is hurting like crazy and you don't know what to do...I would be glad to try and offer you some peace of mind. Hang in there girl ...I am here to listen Mini Mouse ↑ |
| Name: tweetybird4 | Date: Jan 6th, 2007 4:31 AM |
| To Kitty---Your welcome. Anytime you need to vent, feel free. Yes, it hurts deeply when your loved one has left the nest. Your hurt will subside and you will always miss her. For now, all you can do is wait for her to come around on her own terms but not the kind of terms that will cause you to bend your rules. She knows what her boundaries are with you. Unless she is willing to accept them, you will have a constant struggle with her. It's truly sad because all you are trying to do is look out for her best interest. Hang in there and be strong. You are still and will always be a wonderful mother even though your daughter just doesn't see it. ↑ |
| Name: tweetybird4 | Date: Jan 6th, 2007 4:44 AM |
| To dragraught---I'm sorry your going through a tough time. This is hard to adjust to but overtime it will get easier. Just try, if you can, to keep your wits about you and stay focused on your important goals you have set for yourself in life. You can make a difference on how mature you handle things. It's not that you are doing it for your parents but yourself as well. You are going to experience alot of emotions while your parents are going through all of this and it doesn't mean that your parents don't love you because I'm sure they do. They feel the need for a change with each other. Try real hard not to make their problems yours, it will only create more heartache for you. At best, try to accept what is happening and keep a positive spirit through it all. I do hope things will get better for you. ↑ |
| Name: Devin_T | Date: Jan 10th, 2007 6:46 PM |
| Okay, She is only trying to get you back somehow for something that you might have done to her. She knows exactly what she is doing and she knows that it is getting to you so stop worrying just act like it doesnt bother you and she will be back with a tottally different attidude ↑ |
| Name: Dannyle | Date: Jan 17th, 2007 1:42 AM |
| Well, is he making her rude and disrespectful in general, or just to you? Neither is good, but if it's just to you, you can understand that he's embittered. Either way, forcing her to come back--or even ALLOWING her to come back without some serious clarification of the rules--seems like a bad idea. You have too much on your plate with the other kids to have an older kid who is going to be a drain instead of a helper. It's hard, but I would say let go of her for now. ↑ |
| Name: dragraught | Date: Feb 4th, 2007 12:43 AM |
| u know what the one right above this one. dobt listen to it. i know im 14 but we need our parents. we are under alot of stress. i am the same way. i am disrespectful and my dad hasent said anything. its just the stress of school and the divorce and friends. i am sorry but adults do not know how we feel. ↑ |
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