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Name: mini mouse
[ Original Post ]
My husband always threatened me that if I ever divorced him, he would never let me have our daughter. True to his words, even tho the divorce decree states regular visitation, in over a year, it has never happened. He continually "brain washes" our 14 year old daughter to the point that she will not even have a civil conversation with me. She mirrors his resentment and anger. Counseling does not seem to be helping. There are no open lines of communication with my ex or with her. The more I try to reach out, the more anger and resentment grows. I feel trapped in their hate-box and want a loving, caring relationship with my daughter. Any suggestions?
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Name: Lizzi | Date: Sep 8th, 2006 5:47 PM
Tough situation you're in. So I'm confused a bit,does he have custody and you're the one who's supposed to be getting visitation? Well,if so and he isn't complying,and it's been a year,first off you should not have waited this long but anyhow,you definitely need to get back in court. Maybe your daughter does want to be with you but has been brainwashed to believe you don't want her.(just guessing) Keep in mind though since she is 14,she may be able to choose who she wants to live with now but since her dad has brainwashed her as you say,then she may choose to stay with her dad. I don't think that a court can force her to see you either at this age. They may only be able to try and convince her that visiting you and getting to know you could be a good thing if she's willing to try it.But the ultimate decision is probably hers,(sorry!) If she chooses not to see you now,she may change her mind as she gets older. The only thing you can really do is be ready to welcome her and share your side of things if she ever does decide to come around. You can also send her cards and letters but I'd only send them by way of someone you can trust to give them to her because if you just mail them then I doubt her dad will give them to her. Maybe you could start by getting involved with her school,sometimes teachers can be helpful.(just a thought) Don't give up,deep down your daughter probably loves and misses you a great deal,and is probably confused and really doesn't know what to think. Hang in there! 

Name: mini mouse | Date: Sep 8th, 2006 9:55 PM
Lizzi, Thanks for your thoughtful reply. Yes, he does have primary custody which was granted after he manipulated my daughter just prior to the court appearance. Stupid me, I didn't see what he was doing - my bad. All you have suggested we are trying to do with little or no success. We have seen our attorney but was advised not to press the issue as she would still have the final word. So, we are between a terrible rock and a hard place. The only positisve in the picture is the counseling we are going through, but it seems not to be touching the real issues and in some ways is counter productive. Time seems to be our only hope but I miss her and grieve for her terribly. Thanks again for you caring reply. 

Name: Lizzi | Date: Sep 8th, 2006 10:45 PM
Hi there mini mouse,it's me again,hope you don't mind!? I've really been thinking about your situation and I can't imagine any daughter not longing to be with her mother. I can only imagine your heartbreak over this. I really hope and pray that things will work out on your behalf soon. Your ex is really a monster for purposely keeping that child away from you and obviously doesn't care or realize what he's done to his daughter while getting his "evens" with you. It really makes me angry when people who divorce use children to punish the other parent. It's just not right and I'm so sorry for you and your daughter! He has hurt her as much as he's hurt you by not allowing her to see you. You are her mom and she needs you. You need to get a good lawyer and go after her and your ex should be punished for what he's done by no longer being able to see her himself! I'm sorry if I seem angry but this just makes me so mad! It's like your ex hates you more than he loves his daughter and she's just a pawn in his game until she turns 18! I really hope you can change things around,I really do,keep me posted please if you would,I'd like to know if you get her back with you where she belongs. Thank-You and good luck!!! 

Name: mini mouse | Date: Sep 9th, 2006 1:11 AM
Lizzi, Thanks again. It is so good to just be able to voice my frustrations and sadness. I will keep you posted to what happens. Sometimes this seems so hopeless. I won't ever give up but I might have to demonstrate tough love. She is a girl reflecting her dad unforgiveness and anger. 

Name: pj754 | Date: Sep 9th, 2006 3:34 AM
To Mini Mouse---If you think counseling is not helping then you can try the other alternative even though it may be really hard on you. Try to just be kind and loving as you are trying to be but do not bend over backwards. Your emotions will get crushed. No matter how hard you try, it sounds like your daughter has adpated to her father's way of thinking and for now, you can't change it. You are right, tough love is the only way. You cannot allow her to walk all over you no matter how much you want to give in to her. I'm going through the same thing with my 13 year old. He would rather live with his father because he offers no rules or dicipline what so ever. Yet, my 12 and 7 year old would rather live with me because they can see the sound structure I am trying to provide. Sometimes, people, kids or adults do not want to see the broad picture. Their ideas are all of their own. There is nothing you can do to change their ideas. The only thing you can do that is right in your heart and mind is be the best person you can be. You will know you are doing the right thing is when they are rebellious of your structured advice. When they decide to go their own way all you can do is say I've tried my best. You can't make someone change when they don't want to. All you can do is give your advice, if they choose not to listen then it' s not your fault. Hopefully, your daughter will come around. However, from the sounds of it, her father has a great influence on her. Sometimes, it's just the chemistry of that person. It doesn't mean your a bad person even though she won't listen to you. Hopefully, when she gets older, she will realized what she has lost and will want to make up for lost time. All you have to do is be patient. That's what I'm trying to do with my son. Please keep us all posted. 

Name: pj754 | Date: Sep 9th, 2006 12:35 PM
Wow! I am glad that I decided to chat about this.... it has sure helped to know I am not the only duck in the pond. Sometimes you feel like you are all alone and no one else could ever understand. Thanks for your kind words. I have decided to do just that...my daughter has taken on her dads demeanor and now I have to be patient and let her know my love for her but that I will not be the doormat that they wipe their feet on any longer. I have asked them both to communicate in a civil way yet their anger and condesending attitude drips from every word. I will never be able to reach their standards because they feel I am a little less than human. I can't ever attain their level no matter what I have tried to do...no more!!!!!!!!!!! I have to let this go set down my conditions I will not be under their control any more!!!!!!!!! Thanks sooooooooooooo much for responding and helping me through this difficult time. A year of hell. Thanks everyone.!!! Sincerely mini mouse 


Name: mini mouse | Date: Sep 9th, 2006 10:52 PM
pj754 I replied but wrote your name instead of mine so please read Sorry. 

Name: Lizzi | Date: Sep 9th, 2006 11:56 PM
Hang tough mini mouse,you have friends here,so take a moment for yourself and just smile! :) (((((HUGS))))))!!!!!!!!!! 

Name: mini mouse | Date: Sep 10th, 2006 2:50 AM
Thanks Lizzi! Smile. 

Name: mini mouse | Date: Sep 12th, 2006 3:53 PM
Yesterday I went for a counseling session with my 14 yr old daughter...She is so angry with me , she doesn't want anything to do with my life with my new mate. I did some terrible things I have asked her and ex...to forgive me for all the pain I have caused and anyone involved over a year ago... but she has no room for the life I have now and says she will never come to stay with me or visit. I have tried for over a year to give her space to take her out and be apart of her life ...she is embarassed by me and a lot of her attitudes of judgementalism and superiority run off of her dad and his new wife... I am basically a deadbeat mom in their eyes and anything I do is not good enough. I am written off as an emotional mess. I hold no place of respect in her eyes and my opinion is nothing to her... I chose to leave and now I am being punished by my ex . He is using her to pay me back. He is creating a monster a small reflection of himself through my daughter. He is now her new best friend . I don't know what to do . My daughter and I are futher apart than we have ever been we used to be so close I thought she would come around sooner... I know it has been hard . What do I do if she doesn't respect, or want me to be a "mom" to her...Do I back off, send cards, show up as a volunteer at her school so she knows I am around what...she has pretty much written me off HELP! 

Name: Lizzi | Date: Sep 12th, 2006 4:13 PM
Hi mini mouse! I'm sorry your session didn't go so well. I think you should become active at her school and continue to give her cards this way she knows you aren't giving up on her. Poor out your true feelings in the cards,some with great emotion,and others just light hearted just letting her know you love her and you care. Maybe even send her a really funny one ,something you think might make her laugh! Don't try to approach her all the time,let someone else give her the cards that you know for sure will give them to her. "It would be neat if you could see for yourself somehow what she does with the cards." Like does she throw them away without reading them or does she tuck them away for later or does she open and read immediately? If she reads them at all,then that tells me there's something there that makes it worth you putting forth the effort. Don't give up,she's your daughter and even though things may seem grim right now,doesn't mean that's the way they will stay. At these sessions,who all is in the room? Because if her dad is in the room of course she isn't going to open up and let you in. It's gonna take alot of work,time and patience and weather anything ever develops or not,you will rest easy knowing you did everything you could and never gave up. Even when she is 18,still don't stop sending cards because you never know which one will have her thinking differently. Hang in there! 

Name: mini mouse | Date: Sep 12th, 2006 9:10 PM
Lizzie, Thanks. I just returned from seeing my daughter. Her birthday is coming up and I asked her if it was okay for me to bring over her b-day gift. She said she wanted to talk and try to fix things . We spoke for about 20min. She still doesn't want to come to visit me but we are going to try to get-to-gether after school a couple of days. We exchanged a very warm and much needed embrace she isn't much on showing emotion but she shared that she had been crying and I told her I loved her and I want to be a part of her life...she asked if I would give her more time and I said sure I have always been willing , I realize these things take time I just need to here from her without communication how can there be relationship. So we are slowly back on track...we are communicating. Thanks for sharing with me ,,,I will send cards and let her know I am not going away. 

Name: Sheila | Date: Sep 13th, 2006 1:14 PM
I keep reading more and more about angry ex husbands trying to "control" and manipulate their childrens opinions on their own mothers. I think something more has to be done so these kids don't have to live in such a tug of war. This is sad, sad, sad! I feel for you mini mouse. I can't imagine the emptiness you feel and the fear of losing your daughter completley. Misery loves company. Your doing the right thing. 

Name: mini mouse | Date: Sep 13th, 2006 3:04 PM
Sheila--Thanks sooo much for your response. Your right something does have to be done. Just because things may not have worked out with ex doesn't mean that we have failed at being a parent. Parenting and being a wife are two different roles and my views about my daughter have never changed ...I love her deeply and the fact that I did something wrong doesn't change the fact that my mom abilities have changed. I deserve time with my daughter without the judgemental attitude her dad is feeding her along with his group of other haters. He won't here me when I try to state that fact and his behaviors are dripping down upon my daughter he has never accepted that he had done any wrong in our marriage, it has always been my fault. I put a mark on his person when I finally said I want out. I can't live like this any more. He looked so good in everyone's eyes but he didn't know how to love me for me. What can we do for these kids.
Divorce is ugly we know but so is living in a one sided relationship. There has got to be something we can do. Thanks again! Mini Mouse 

Name: Lizzi | Date: Sep 13th, 2006 7:30 PM
mini mouse,that is WONDERFUL!!!! See? Hang in there!! You WILL get there!!! I am SOOOOO HAPPY for you right now!!!!!! Good things are to come,wait and see!!! That's so great!!! Keep up the good work!!! I'm so thrilled!!!!! :) :) :) ((((((HUGS))))))!!!!!!! 

Name: mini mouse | Date: Sep 16th, 2006 6:05 PM
Lizzi, Thanks for your sweet response . Since I took over my daughter's b-day gift she has text messaged me a couple of times. She has actually said I love you mommy...she hasn't called me that since I don't know when. She also told my she misses me. I continue to pray that she will say yes to visiting and all the hatred and anger will begin subside... time will tell . I will keep you posted. I have sent cards...again, any other ideas? Thanks again. 

Name: Lizzi | Date: Sep 16th, 2006 6:21 PM
mini mouse,I think once your daughter decides to come for visits which I think will be sooner than you think,she will really get to know you and as long as she enjoys your time together she will not only want to come back,but she will develope true feelings for you as well and once that happens,no one will be able to take that away from her or discourage her "new" opinion of you! I forsee you both spending alot more time together in the future! Ask her what she likes to do and maybe when she comes you can have plans to do some of those things together. Maybe she likes to bake cookiesand eat them all!!!! Or maybe she likes to dance around the house to her favorite music! Or maybe she loves to shop at the mall and try on clothes and then go to lunch! Or maybe she likes to rent movies and have someone there to watch them with! Anyway,it can be anything as long as you can do them together! You are going to win her over,i just know it! Moms are irreplaceable in childrens lives,I mean after all ,we only get one right? Keep sending cards and remember some funny ones are always welcome too!! I'm so happy for you mini mouse! :) :) :) 

Name: mini mouse | Date: Sep 16th, 2006 8:57 PM
Lizzi Thanks! Guess what... I got a nice card in the mail from my daughter today along with a new school picture and a note saying she misses me and she really does want to be with me but doesn't anything to do with the man I married...which is a really long story as to why. So anyway time is my only hope. I am so happy in my marriage now and am totally loved for me . I no longer have to walk on eggshells and feel like I really mean something to this man. He loves me for me . How great ! My only saddnes is my daughter. Thanks again. 

Name: Lizzi | Date: Sep 16th, 2006 9:21 PM
mini mouse you don't have to go into detail if you don't want but is there a real reason for her to not like your husband or does she just not like him because of things your ex may have said to her that weren't necessarily true? If it's the first then that's kind of a tough situation for you but maybe when your daughter comes for visits your husband could at least be willing to go elsewhere allowing you and your daughter time alone. But if it's the second,then maybe you could gradually encourage at least the beginning of a civil introduction (if she doesn't really know him yet), and then as time goes on hopefully a blooming friendship.Maybe you could have a cookout with your husband,your daughter and maybe grandparents,something small but with grandparents there too to help things not seem so awkward for her being in the presence of your husband.I know I don't know the details of that situation but these are my ideas. 

Name: pj754 | Date: Sep 17th, 2006 12:29 PM
To mini mouse--I'm glad to hear that you are communicating with your daughter. That's wonderful!!! I would take things slow and of course, keep asking her if you could visit together. As far as your husband is concerned, I would work on building your relationship up with your daughter before you include him in. Obviously, she has some serious issues with him and that's what mad her angry in the first place. The more time you spend with her and communicate with her, perhaps she will learn to appreciate exactly what your husband has done for you. Take it slow. Your daughter will always want you in her life. She's angry right now but when she gets over the hurt she's feeling inside, she will come around. When I was alot younger, my mom did some terrible things to me and I chose to live with my dad when they divorced instead of her. She got very very angry with me and stop communicating all together. She blamed me for all of her problems. She had and still does have a gambling problem along with being a liar. That was something I knew in my heart I did not want to be apart of. Well, I've tried to communicate with her over the years but she is still too hurt to even try. She looks at it, I know where to find her. However, she hasn't changed on bit. So, for the sake of my children, I really don't want her involved in my children's life. I know she can be a good person and I wish her a lot of happiness. However, she would never respond to my visits or discussions. One of these days, I plan to try again and hopefully she will be more receptive. So, no matter what has happened between the two of you, she will always have that desire to have her mother in her life. Especially, when she gets married and has children of her own. You just have to be very patient. It's hard to do but it will pay off. When you do communicate with her, don't mention your husband too much to her. Let her come around and ask about him. Perhaps she may never want him apart of her life. You have to learn to accept that. As much as you want to be a happy family together, she might not get over her angry with him. So, don't push that issue. Keep building with her and eventually, she will open up to you. Keep telling her how much you love her. She may act like she doesn't need or want to hear it but deep down, she truly does. All kids want to be loved one way or another, you just have to figure out how to do it. She'll remember your kind conversations, cards, gifts and quality time you give her. Those are things that will stick with her for forever. Remember, don't let her run you. Keep standing your ground on being treated they way she has in the past. Just tell her, your a different person now and she needs to realize it. You will always love her but you are not the doormat to wipe the feet on. I wish you a lot of success for the two of you. Sounds like things are going on the right track. Keep us posted. 

Name: mini mouse | Date: Sep 19th, 2006 3:31 PM
PJ754 & LIZZIE Hey! Thanks for your responses. I realize that my new husband is a hard thing for my daughter to grasp...my ex and I never believed that divorce was an option...stemming from very legalistlic religious beliefs... I used to judge people who divorced... now I am one of them. I have had to eat a lot of my words. I judged people a lot now I see that for me to do that was very wrong. Who did I think I was ? We all need to be so careful we don't know what someone is going through. Anyway, my daughter's anger is legit, I did hurt her and a lot of other people but the man I am with is not a monster as he is portrayed to be he is just a lot older than me and it is embarrasing to my daughter that I am with a man who is so much older than me... and he was a friend of the family. I was the typical wife and mother ,church going , cookie baking ,loving person . I was so unhappy in my marriage and didn't feel loved or respected. I fell in love with someone who cared for me and loved me for me not because he had to he knew what made me smile and what made me sad. I meant and still mean something to him... He respects my opinion and is for whatever I decide to do with my daughter. He lets me make decisions on our relationship and hates that this has torn up my daughter and my relationship. Hate and anger and bitterness are raining down from my ex and his family and my daughter has been surrounded by it . I will tell you I had an affair with a long time family friend whose wife died a couple of years ago....there it is. The reason for my daughter's unforgiveness and anger . The fact that my ex and I could never communicate regardless of the years of counseling and the counselor telling us that we just weren't compatable, my daughter , knew we were unhappy but thought we would survive... and we didn't. My ex could never admit he did anything wrong in our marriage and still doesn't,,, so I realize this has been terrible for her in her teenage life (that is hard enough ) then this added on top of that hasn't made it easy. I am still her mom and love her deeply ,,,that has never changed. I am just waiting for her to decide to forgive me and move forward...thanks again mini mouse 

Name: Lizzi | Date: Sep 20th, 2006 7:17 PM
It's OKAY mini mouse!! We ALL make mistakes! I had a short lived affair with my best friends husband 12 years ago. My best friend was cheating on her husband and he came to me for answers and we both ended up crossing way over the line and did things we shouldn't have. Needless to say I lost my best friend which I regret dearly because I miss her something awful. She and her husband are divorced now and even though I know she wasn't doing right by him when he and I had the affair,I still blame myself because I had no right to do what i did. I will regret it forever and I definitely learned a valuable lesson that no matter what's going on in your friends relationship with her husband,never,ever,ever inject yourself into the situation. I miss my best friend and i know she will never be back in my life again but that is the price i have to pay for what I did and I deserve that. .............. But back to you,I can understand your situation a little better now but I still think that with time and patience and talking,you and your daughter will have a loving ,lasting mother/daughter relationship! Don't feel as though you did wrong,look at it like you removed yourself from a bad situation and found a better one. I understand why you did what you did. It's better than staying in a relationship and being unhappy. I see you as a strong person for having the courage to move on to something better for yourself and I am glad you have found happiness with your current husband,that's nothing to be ashamed of,but rather proud! 

Name: mini mouse | Date: Sep 20th, 2006 10:57 PM
Lizzi, Thanks for your sweet reply again. I don't know why it is so hard to just get that out ...yes I do, because I can't get over how wrong I was. Anyway , thanks and I am sorry about you and your best friend.. It hurts when we hurt those we love. I understand about learning valuable lessons. I am hoping that things do come around for my daughter and I. I can only hope that she will forgive me. Thanks again Lizzi. mini mouse 

Name: mini mouse | Date: Sep 22nd, 2006 12:05 PM
LIZZI!!!!! I got a phone call last night late from my daughter. She wants to come over and spend the weekend...WOW. She says she misses me and after that I don't know what else she said because I was in so much shock...also she said mom get my room ready . I was just about ready to paint everything a different color and change the decor. I thought she wouldn't be around for a long time...but no...she is coming!!!!!! I am ready to except the fact it could be sparatic at first and eventually become a regular occurance. Thanks again for all you encouraging words. I will keep you posted. Mini mouse 

Name: Lizzi | Date: Sep 22nd, 2006 2:00 PM
mini mouse!!!!! That is WONDERFUL!!!!!!!! WOW!!!!!!!! See? She's comming around isn't she?!?! Once she spends some quality time with you I know she is going to WANT to keep comming back! Ask her what she would like to do while she's there and you two can do them TOGETHER!!!!! This is sooooo great mini mouse!!!!! I'm so happy and excited for you!!!!!! I wish you and your daughter MUCH happiness TOGETHER!!!!! Make it fun for her and she will DEFINITELY BE BACK!!!!!!! Awww!!! This is so special!!!! I bet you are so overjoyed you can't stop smiling?!?! Get that room ready,have lots of good "junk food" on hand and have a SUPER GREAT TIME and let me know what happens ok? AWW! I'm so happy for you!!!! ((((((BIG HUGS)))))!!! 

Name: mini mouse | Date: Sep 22nd, 2006 6:23 PM
LIZZI! You better believe we will spend some time together . I can't wait to have her and hold her and kiss her goodnight . We are going to talk till wee hours in the morning...my husband is so excited for us. He is so supportive. I have made her bed up and sprayed it with some real nice bath and body stuff she loves I even put some flowers in her room. Even if she comes and just spends some time I will be happy. If she is uncomfortable I will take her home. Your right I am very excited about this and haven't been able to believe it yet. It has been since Jan. 5th I have not had her over because she simply would not come and now she is asking me. Thanks so much for being here to share my joys and sad times. It has helped so much for me to be able to talk with you.Thanks for your time and wonderful expressions of joy!!!! I will keep you posted. mini mouse 

Name: pj754 | Date: Sep 23rd, 2006 9:03 PM
To mini mouse---Congradulations!!! You deserve this. Keep up the good work. You know, we do make mistakes in our lives and we all are not perfect. My son is upset with me because I'm not with his father. Yet, he knew I married a man that treats me the way your husband is to you. It's very hard to make the step of getting out of a miserable relationship. I, too, started cheaing on my husband with my new husband. Honestly, I was looking to get caught because I no matter how hard I tried letting him know I wanted out of my miserable relationship, he always had some kind of response that made me feel guilty about. I no longer feel guilty. I am able to be the mom and person inside that I knew was there but seemed to be lost when I was with my ex. I am able to be myself, fun, loving and happy. There is nothing wrong with that. Yet, I later found out my ex was cheating on me long before I ever thought about cheating on him. My son is a child that doesn't like change and for his mom and dad to not be together really bothered him. Now that I remarried, he knows and is accepting the fact that I will not longer be able to get back with his father. He sees the difference in my personality and how happy I am. In fact, he made the comment that he wanted me to remarry because he knows my new husband will take good care of me. Our children can have mature minds. Your daughter has always pictured you and her father together. She was and maybe still is having a hard time with that. But, overtime, it will pass. When she does come for a visit, she will see the love you and your husband have together. That will set a very good impression in her mind. I wish you two so much fun and happiness. She is your daughter and no matter how angry she will get at you, she will always have a desire for you to be a part of her life. For some odd reason, it's a built in trait with in us females. My mom was not a very good mom throughout my childhood. I don't speak to her to this day, but the desire is still there of wanting to have her in my life. Yet, she had chosen for things to be this way but the desire is there. I've accepted it and I'm able to move on but at times it still hurts. I've made a vow that I will never cut my daughters out of my life. They may disagree with me from time to time but I will always love them no matter what. You daughter will learn to undertsand things better when she gets older. Your patience with her will pay off. You have a lot fun, congrats, and much happiness to you both. 

Name: Lizzi | Date: Sep 24th, 2006 9:01 PM
It's been a pleasure talking with you too mini mouse! I'm glad I could be a little part of your life and offer you some support and advice. I will keep checking back here for updates about how things are going. I'm glad your husband is being supportive and I'm hoping over time your daughter will warm up to him too,(I think she will after awhile once she's used to seeing him around). I can't wait to hear how things go,please keep me posted,and thanks for sharing this great news with me,I feel honored! Hope to hear from you soon! 

Name: Texas_Mom | Date: Sep 25th, 2006 3:53 AM
A short while ago, I hung up on my 14 year old after she called me a whore and a bitch. She told me that everytime she talks to me it makes her feel sad and that she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. My heart hurts right now. My ex has both my son and daughter. 2 1/2 years ago, I moved out with my 2 older sons and my daughter. Ex is disabled from a motorcycle accident. Yes, he's the victim....Anyway, he encourages our children to lie, disrespect and manipulate anyone that care about them. Last Tuesday, she came in the living room and sat on the couch and starting drilling me incessently about throwing her clothes away. I told her repeatedly that I did not throw her clothes away. My boyfriend, who was eating his dinner after working 13 hours and this was the 10th year anniversary of his mothers' death, stood up to take his plate in the kitchen. He stopped where my daughter and I were sitting, and told my daughter that I did not throw away her clothes so just drop it. She said fu** you Bob, and he tossed his plate on a pillow that was between us, it bounced and landed on her. There was food on me, food on her, and food on the couch. He said a few choice words back to her and she had the plate in her hand contemplating hitting him with it. Instead, she put it down and flew off the couch and grabbed the phone. She called 911, police came, no one was arrested, emotional family tiff, is what they called it, asked if I could take her to her dads, since he lives less than a mile away. I did. She came back on Thursday to get her stuff. I had packed her room for her.
Mind you, this child has snuck out the window and has been caught on several occasions. She smokes cigarettes, knows where her dads pot stash is and helps herself, has taken Xanax, cuts on herself, and skips school. She voiced her desire several months ago to go live with her dad. I suggested she think about it. I have temporary custody of our daughter, ex has temp custody of our son.
Ex manipulates through guilt, is jealous of my boyfriend, lies about everything, and is making his children his friends and caregivers. This guy is a classic victim. He wants everyone to feel sorry for him because he is disabled. I was with him for over 12 years. I have 2 older boys from my 1st marriage and he beat them relentlessly. He never lays a hand on his own. The older ones cried to me to see this and I had my head in the sand. When I finally pulled myself out, I backed up a 26 ft uhaul and moved the hell out. I chose to move within a mile of him so the kids could be with both of us. All I ever wanted is to co-parent our 2 children. I am so tired of my boyfriend and I being his target. It is emotionally draining. He has stalked me, waved his gun (yes, a traumatic brain injured person can obtain a concealed handgun license in the State of Texas), threatened to kill my boyfriend and me during Thanksgiving 2004. He called my parents and told my mom that he was going to get us both in his cross hairs. I know for sure that he used to come in my house during the day when I was at work. Things that the kids would have no interest in were moved and misplaced. I never caught him. Police said I would have to catch him on my property in order to bring criminal charges. My boyfriend moved in November. 2004. When ex first saw him out in the front yard, he commented to my daughter, Is that your new dad? This guy is really off his rocker and the kids keep running to him. Why? He has no rules, no accountability, no consequences, basically they both can run wild. Our youngest son already broke into the middle school with a buddy, and caused over $1200 in damage. His dad sat in with the school officials and stated that the school should have had an alarm. He is an absolute Einstein.
Now, he has her and she refuses to talk to me and still disrespects me. I am choosing to disconnect from her for a while. I will try and let time be my friend. Essentially, it feels as if I've lost 2 of my children. It hurts a lot. Maybe I should write a book, since this turned into a novella. Sorry it's so long I just needed to vent and I'm so glad to know that there are others out there in the same situation. I don't feel so alone after reading all your posts. 

Name: mini mouse | Date: Sep 25th, 2006 4:06 AM
LIZZI !! PJ754!!! Hey you two...I wanted to fill you both in on the weekend. I was so excited and we had a great time . We laughed,talked, ate, shopped, did our toenails, hugged, and talked about our hurts and our joys. I can't get one of her hurts out of my mind and that was one she shared about she keeps expecting me to come around the corner or be at the bottom of the stairs, at my ex's and she quickly has to make herself busy so she doesn't get to sad about it , all I can say is I have many times when I see her in my mind and I know the pain of not being together is hurting her cause it is hurting me too. I just encourage her that we are going to make it and we will get on the other side of this mountain. Divorce has many effects and this is but one . I feel sometimes that she can't take much more and am praying that we are another step closer with this weekend to being reunited. I think she is begining to see some things that her dad is doing to fuel the hatred and hopefully she will be strong. She wants to start regular visits and wants to come over Mon. and spend the night again.,,,so I can help her study for her test. We are hopefully on the right track ,,,we had a great time together and she interacted with my new husband very well,,, even joked with him. Thank you both so much for your kindness and your willingness to cheer me on and give me advice...Even better because you both have been there...Hugs ....Hugs... I will keep you informed . Thanks!!! mini mouse 

Name: mini mouse | Date: Sep 25th, 2006 5:00 AM
TEXSA MOM!!!I just read your note and let me simply say our situations may have totally different details but the pain is all too familiar. Hang in there with your daughter let her know you love her and maybe tough love is the answer with her you have to decide that...Your situation may need some help from the authorities especially if your ex is threatening you and your boyfriends safety...better tell someone who can give you some legal counsel on that... Your daugther has more underlying issues here. If she is cutting herself that is a desperate cry for help. Is there anyone you and she can talk with together? She needs help. I feel you may need someone to direct conversation with your daughter till you can communicate together civially. It is unfortunate that your ex allows her to disrepect you I know how that feels. I hope it helps to know that we all have had hurt and Keep me posted on what happens...your daughter does need you ...but she may need some time to find that out for herself...time has a way of helping sometimes...be patient with her yet let her know that it hurts you when she disregards you as her mom...I will talk anytime if you need to vent...Thanks mini mouse 

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