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Name: HHawkins
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My husband and I have been married less than a yr. His ex wife is hard to deal with. She manipulates him by acting very sweet to him, but will do things to interfer with me. She does it in a sneaky way so he, as a guy, doesn't get it. He thinks I'm being crazy and can't see why he just wants a peaceful relationship with his ex for his sons sake. I can understand that. However when we have his son she will call every day. In fact one visitation we had to come to the state where he was (we were living in another state at the time) and she called 4 times before we even got there. She says she's just trying to talk to him about their son. Before we married and he would go see his son she wouldn't call at all during the time he had him. Now she calls every day. When she dropped him off she stayed for 25 minutes. She was pulling stuff out of his overnight bag to show us what she packed...it was excuses for her to stay longer. She had been calling him at work and I asked my husband to tell her not to call him at work. I said it was inappropiate for other women to be calling him at work. She can call when he gets home. So he did. Well a couple of months went by and she didn't call. Last week she called. He answered and talked to her. He didn't tell me...I found out 7 days later. Then he got upset with me for her calling. He said I was being unreasonable. I want to be his wife and feel as such. I want to be the only woman calling him at work. We've just moved and no one knows his past. I like meeting people that don't look at me as his secind wife. With her calling work, everyone will see that I am his second wife and that he gives her the same benefits as he does his wife. He can't see how she manipulates him and thinks I'm the one overreacting. Any Advice???
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Name: Lizzi | Date: Jan 27th, 2007 3:41 AM
Advice?! Get used to it!!!!!!!! I can understand your husband wanting to (keep the peace) so to speak but her calling him at work and at home on a regular basis IS a little extreme as well as unecessary! And if you are allowing her into your house when she picks the child up or drops him off well that needs to stop too! There is NO reason for her to come inside YOUR house!!!! Exchange of the child can and should be done OUTSIDE!!!! I don't know what you can do to stop all this nonsense though especially if your husband sees nothing wrong with it. I don't really know what to tell ya other than (get used to it)! Because she isn't going to stop just because YOU want her to and obviously it's NOT bothering your husband because in HIS eyes,they are getting along and I'm sure that's the way he would like to keep it! 

Name: Lizzi | Date: Jan 27th, 2007 3:42 AM
Sorry but i don't know what else to tell ya! 

Name: Lizzi | Date: Jan 27th, 2007 3:43 AM
........other than you aren't alone and that millions of women go through the same crap day after day in their lives too! Just grin and bare it! 

Name: Lizzi | Date: Jan 27th, 2007 3:47 AM
Oh and you can also remember the fact that SHE IS AN EX FOR A REASON!!!!!! 

Name: tweetybird4 | Date: Jan 27th, 2007 7:29 AM
Well, I'm sorry your feeling this way. Dealing with an ex is always difficult. Especially, when everyone is trying to keep peace for the child's sake. However, perhaps you can explain to hubby that you don't like her butting her nose into your affairs so much. Understandable that she wants to keep close tabs on her son, yet he's your hubby's son, too. Perhaps you can get the phone calls at home or when she shows up to pick the child up, you can send him out the door before she gets close to your door. Ask your hubby to please go outside to speak with her that you don't feel comfortable with her coming inside your home. I will tell ya, being his second wife isn't as bad as you may think. It just means that things in his first marriage didn't work out so he was lucky enough to get a second chance at true love with you. Hun, as much as you feel hurt by her actions, don't let it get to you. It's only her way in trying to keep the close connection but you have to become the stronger person in this situation. If you keep complaining to your husband about the phone calls and her, he may take a defense to it and not tell you about her calling. At least, you want him to tell you everything but if he knows it upsets you too much, he'll stop telling you. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to offend you, I just want you to know that he's married to you and obviously loves you whole heartedly. Dealing with his ex by taking her phone calls is the only way he can handle her right now. He's wanting to be apart of his son's life as much as possible and that's great. However, if she isn't making any rude comments and is willing to speak with you in a civil manner then you all have a good relationship for the child. That is something you should be proud of. At least she's willing to communicate but keep in mind that it's.... you....he comes home to every night. Also, she could be doing all of this on purpose just to get under your skin...thinking it's going to bother you to no end. Don't let her see or know how much it bothers you. Just kill her with kindness. Eventually, she will get the idea that what she's doing isn't going to interfere with the relationship you have with hubby and his child as a family. Plus, if she does call your home so many times while the son is present, turn down the ringer on the phone and don't answer it or take the call and be as polite as you can. If hubby answers the call let him talk to her. Your willingness to allow him this communication will only build your relationship stronger. It will show him that you have a lot of compassion for him and his son. No, I don't think your overracting, I would feel the same way you do but you have to shift gears on how to deal with it. I certainly hope things will get better for you all. Try not to let her bother you. It won't last...this time will pass. Right now, she has nothing else better to do with her time and won't give up unless she realizes her efforts aren't doing any good. Please, keep us posted on how things are going and I wish you all much happiness. 

Name: HHawkins | Date: Jan 27th, 2007 5:10 PM
Thanks for the advice. I guess I was just wanting reassurance that I wasn't being ridiculous with my expectations. It's hard to get a man to understand where you come from b/c nothing is emotionally based for them. Thanks for the advice about her coming into our house. She has recently demanded that she takes a tour of our house to see what kind of conditions her son is living in when he comes here. My husband asked my opinion on doing that. I said no way. We live in a 2300 sq ft house that is well above "good living conditions for a child". I don't need her here to tell me she approves. They were married for 9 yrs. I asked him if he's ever put her in less than desirable living conditions. If not then she has no reason to demand to come through our house. She just wants wants to be nosey and controlling. Thanks for helping me feel like I'm not the one being unreasonable. I'll keep you updated. 


Name: Lizzi | Date: Jan 27th, 2007 6:09 PM
You are welcome HHawkins! And yes please keep us informed! 

Name: tweetybird4 | Date: Jan 28th, 2007 2:42 PM
Yes, your right, she is being nosey! It's none of her business how you live. If she even had such an issue with it, she could call Department of Child and Family Services. However, by what you said, it's not a small house at all. My next thought was she wanted to see how you decorated the inside to possibly complain that you all live too good and wants more child support. I'm sorry, perhaps this is just my mean way of thinking but I wouldn't put it past people having this idea in their heads. It's nice to know your husband ask your opinion on what you thought. That right there shows, he has a lot of respect for how you feel. Your husband sounds like the type that doesn't want to fight. So, in order to keep things running smooth, he tries to keep his conversations with the ex on a calm level. No, your not feeling unreasonable at all. I would feel the same way. Just try to communication with your husband about the ex and even though it bothers you deep down inside, try to be understanding and show compassion. I'm sure those are some of the many qualities on why he feel in love with you!!! Anytime you need to vent, we are hear to listen. Your doing fine and everything will be okay. Plus, it's not you, it's the ex that has issues. You take care and hope to talk with ya soon. 

Name: HHawkins | Date: Jan 29th, 2007 6:57 PM
Thanks for the advice. We talked with her yesterday about some rountines that she wanted us to keep doing at our house. My husbands son is autistc. We agreed that that would be reasonable. When we talked with her about picking up and dropping off we gave her a plan. She lives about 2 hours away from us (that includes city traffice). Anyway, I agreed to drive the 2 hrs to pick him up from school (that way when she gets off work on Fri she can go do whatever and doesn't have to worry about picking him up and meeting us somewhere) and would she be willing to pick him up at our house (outside of course...which wasn't mentioned but thought). She said that according to TX standard order WE are required to get him and drop him off. She told my husband "It's your visitation, you need to get him and drop him off if you want to see him. Why should I waste my gas and time?". Well, I think that showed her true side and got him a little on edge. So we looked up some info last night and he saw many orders that weren't standard that were agreeded upon in his divorce. He wanted to save money and didn't hire an attorney. He trusted that she wouldn't screw him over (he was blindsided by what she was doing and the divorce). Obviously not a good idea but he was vulnerable. Anyway, I think when he really saw how much she did take advantage of him it got him upset. He's struggling with having to pay an attorney (and you need a good one, b/c you need to be satisfied when you walk away) and see all that money go when we're trying to start a family (we have a 3 yr old son as well) and get on our feet. But I think after seeing her true colors shine last night she pushed him closer to getting things straight. We would be driving 4 hrs every other weekend to see his son. There's no way that can be acceptable to the state of TX that both parents aren't responsible to exchange him. I know courts don't look at moral things, but she was the one who was sneaking out of the house at night to go partying (she told him she was in the room with his son helping him to get back to sleep...autistic kids don't require a lot of sleep). He found out, after several months of her doing this, after he got ready to leave for work, checked his sons room for her and she wasn't home. Anyway, she was cheating on him and doing drugs. (he wanted to fight and get custody of his son, but due to his job (military...TDY's and deployments) he was afraid he'd have to leave and have no one to watch his son. He also couldn't leave work when he wanted. His Col told him when he could leave (sometimes he come home until after 7 pm). That wouldn't work with daycare. Plus he had no way to prove what she was doing.) She was also taking money out of their acct and putting it into an acct she secretly had set up so that if he found out what she was doing and wanted to get divorced, she'd have money to leave with. Even after all that he told her he would be willing to do counseling. She refused, packed up and left. Now tell my why is he the only one responsible for getting his son to see him? If anyone is solely responsible it should be her. Anyway, we'll see what we can do about making her responsible for the sitation as well. I am a mother of a son (his father and I were never married) and I have custody of my son, but I tell you it's impossible for fathers to have any rights to their children in this country. She gets $1200/month in child support from us and still isn't considerate enough to work with us on picking him up and dropping him off. He's 9, so I know it doesn't take that much money to take care of him monthly (she even mentioned that she's been buying his shoes and clothes at Wal-mart). Which is ok with me, I'm not above that...I understand why...it's b/c he's growing so fast...makes perfect sense. However,she's above buying herself anything there. So the least she could do is meet us, considering we're funding her wardrobe. Thanks again for letting me vent. This country needs to find a better way of allowing fathers more rights to their children without having to worry about keeping mom happy or else she'll keep the kid away. Thanks again. I"m just glad my husband really saw her for who she is, and can see she is still a lier and manipulator like she was before. 

Name: tweetybird4 | Date: Jan 29th, 2007 7:38 PM
HHawkins---I am so sorry! I wished things could be easier. I agree how the judicial system doesn't always make things fair for both parties. Perhaps you can ask her if she would be willing to meet you half way on the return trip. I'm planning on moving 3 hours away but I'm going to offer to meet him half way both ways. Maybe you could contact your local courthouse to inquiring about a public defender that specializes in custody cases. If they can't help you ask them if they could direct you to someone who can. Jeez, $1200 a month? I'm lucky I can get half of that for three children. Of course, my ex has been unemployed in case they do an analysis of his past income so he won't have to pay ample child support. Just goes to show he's a loser unwilling to help support our children. I wish I could offer you more help. Sorry! It's really sad when the other parent is so uncooperative. I do hope things will work out for you all. Feel free to vent anytime. I, too need it from time to time. Take care. 

Name: Lizzi | Date: Jan 29th, 2007 7:44 PM
I think each of you should drive 1 hour and meet in the middle for pick ups and drop offs. Equal wear and tear on each party. 

Name: HHawkins | Date: Jan 31st, 2007 5:29 PM
You know what's crazy...we agreed to drive half way and meet each other then she started complaining about the traffice when she gets off work. That's why I offered to go get him...she wouldn't have to deal with the traffic on Fri nights and Sunday's are busy b/c people aren't getting off of work. It amazes me how she's never satisfied. I know what you mean Tweetybird4...my son's Dad has NEVER been current on child support...in fact his order is now a court order instead of an administrative order (child support took him to court b/c he was so behind). Anyway, even though it is now a court order...which means that if he doesn't pay then he in contempt and they can do more as far as punishment...he's still behind. Get this they give him 90 consecutive days of not paying before they take him to court ...that's a lot of money to get behind before anyone can initiate any action. That's why you see Dad's that are $15,000 behind. They let them go so long before they'll take action. Anyway, he knows the system too and starting paying 2 days before his 90 day mark. Then he was released form his job 2 weeks later. So he is currently drawing unemployment. So you know my husbands ex should really be thankful that he's never been late on child support. Rather than being so difficult she should realize how fortunate she really is. Anyway, we'll see what we can do and hopefully we'll get something solved here soon.
Thanks again. 

Name: verito | Date: Feb 5th, 2007 10:14 AM
talk to your husbamd about your feelings, 

Name: HHawkins | Date: Feb 5th, 2007 7:09 PM
I do, he knows exactly how I feel. However, since his ex has his son, he can't exactly always call her out on being inappropiate. We've talked and came up with a way to deal with her. We definitely keep each other informed about how we're feeling. It helps us keep our communication good. Thanks for the advice. 

Name: kutchsafk | Date: Feb 7th, 2007 4:04 PM
I understand HH, my fiance's ex-wife originally had custody of their 3 children and he had to drive 1 1/2 hours each way on Friday to pick them up and on Sunday to drop them off. (Of course that always took longer b/c she always needed to talk about the kids) A couple months later the kids were getting in the way of her single life and she gave them to us. At first she didn't want to see them, but now she gets them every other weekend. She won't drive the 3-hour round trip to pick them up and drop them off, we have to meet her halfway, which I wouldn't have a problem with, but she was never willing to do that when she had the kids. 

Name: HHawkins | Date: Feb 7th, 2007 4:56 PM
Honestly, I wouldn't mind at all if she decided to give him to us. In fact I'd prefer it. I know she loves her son, but she doesn't always make the best choices for him. She puts her needs first and then if it works out for her son, great. If not then she moves on. I'm hoping that when he becomes a teenager, which is in a couple of years, she finds it too hard to take care of him. Being that he's autistic, he will prob be a little more challenging. But I'm hoping she'll decide to give him to us to take care of. The reason I wish this to be that way is b/c I know it's better for him. She will spend the child support money on herself, then what's left over, if any, is what she will buy his stuff with. He would have more structure and love here. Like I said I know she loves him, but it doesn't mean she doesn't love herself more. She does what's convient for her first. I just don't understand why, if women don't want to put 100% into caring for their children, even have them in the first place? If you want to put everything into yourself and not spend extra $ on a child, then don't bother having them to begin with. Anyway, it's a frustrating situation. I just hope and pray that she sees he'd have a better life with us and decide that's what's going to happen. Good luck to you with your husbands ex. Amazing how life has to revolve around them. 

Name: Lis | Date: Sep 23rd, 2007 5:59 PM
Man can I relate. My boyfriend and I have only been dating for awhile, but his x is about to drive me up the wall! She calls and yells at him while he is at my house spending time with me! They are finishing up their divorce and the girl still can't let it go. Besides she was the one that didn't want him, now all the sudden now that he is with me she wants him??? I am about to loose it with her. Now she is trying to munipulate him into taking her back. Get over it and move on. That is what I want to tell her. And I want to yell at him for involving me in it. 

Name: autumn_leaves | Date: Oct 11th, 2007 5:02 PM
You gotta see what's going on here, can't u see it??? She is jealous and insecure of you, and trying to keep you out of the picture as much as possible. You are also jealous of her, having a past with him and having a child together. If there is an emergency, I can see her calling him at work, besides that, he needs to tell her to wait until he is home. You want a fantasy that you are the one and only wife he's ever had and this just isn't true. So what he was married before, it's over. Let her stand there and take stuff out of his bag and see her for what she is, insecure. You need to say, wow! that is soo cute! I LOVE that outfit, i'm soo glad u packed that, wow (his son's name) I love your clothes you brought. Then give her a big hug, she'll stop coming over to make a big production! 

Name: brenda71 | Date: Oct 12th, 2007 1:55 AM
the child is her son and has the right to know how her son will be living when he has visits with his father. 

Name: autumn_leaves | Date: Oct 13th, 2007 9:11 PM
There is a difference between asking some questions about where they may be going on his weekend or if he is going to be present at an activity. Yes, he is her child, but needing and hanging on every little detail ensues more than her son's stability, that's simply hyper-vigilance. He is also the father, and has been doing fine in supporting and keeping his son safe at his house, so there's really no need for the extra bull. 

Name: kay | Date: Oct 22nd, 2007 12:42 AM
i have a boyfriend and i met him a couple of months after he got divorced to his ex wife in 2004 and we have been together 2 and half years and i was pregnant to him and she keeps texting me recently asking me all kinds of questions about him and iv just found out that in 2006 he got back with her and he was with me then he and she are a lot older than me i am 19 and he is 26 and she 27 i just need to no what to do can anybody help me please 

Name: kay | Date: Oct 22nd, 2007 12:54 AM
i live him more than ever and i want to spend the rest of my live with him i have never loved anybody the way i love him and i just dont want to lose him 

Name: Sharon | Date: Feb 14th, 2008 5:24 PM
No!! DON"T get used to it!! You should be first in his life and unless the child is in some kind of emergency situation, she does not need to be calling him. I am in a similar situation and have told him not to speak to her unless it's an emergency--so far I think he's done so, but the other night he referred to her as his "wife"--then followed it up with "in the past". YOU AND ONLY YOU should be number one!!! 

Name: Laura | Date: Apr 14th, 2008 5:44 PM
You are right guys are so stupid that they can not see outside the box. I am in the same situation for the last 3 years, and I do not think it will ever change unless we stand for ourselves. It is hard because most of the time there is a child involved but it should not be excuse for disrespect . This is what happens everyday for second wifes, lots of disrespect and unfortunatelly the main problem sits on the man who can not see the he is the one that should be making the effort to accomodate in a fair and respectfull manner all the people in his life. 

Name: Faith | Date: Apr 15th, 2008 12:43 PM
WOW! These stories hit home! I have been married for 5 months, prior to that, we dated for a little over a year. The Ex did not cause trouble UNTIL we annouced our engagement. Upon our announcement, she felt the need to tell me stories of their "intimate situations" along with the feeling she has that they have a close relationship. When I speak to my husband about this "close relationship", he is adimate that he thinks very little of her but wants to remain civial for their childs sake, so he goes out of his way to be nice to her. She has requested that he go with her and the child to "functions" such as dinner, movies, etc so the child "sees unity" He admitted doing things like that prior to meeting me, however he does not want to do anything like that now (I left the choice up to him) She has consistently bashed me in front of the child (11 years) saying that I ruined mommy and daddys relationship. The child goes back and forth being close to me, then shuts down due to her moms comments. the mom continues to call, send IM either late at night or while he is at work which I asked my husband to stop. it does stop for a few weeks, then continues. The last part of this is she lives with a boyfriend, but has cheated on him. she cheated on my husband when they were married and cheated on all subsequent boyfriends....... I trust my husband would not do anything innappropriate but just the fact that her door is wide open makes me uncomfortable............ANY ADVICE? 

Name: joy 2 | Date: Apr 24th, 2008 6:17 PM
God I'm glad I found this site...I have been dating for 2 1/2 years and going to be married in September. He has a 5 year old and of course the dreaded ex. She plays the sweet caring "dense" mom that has to call all the time. She calls him on his cell at work, but won't really discuss things with him when he's home and calls his daughter every night. I know this is probaly wrong but I started checking the cell phone bill just to see how much they talk. Well yesterday I checked and HE had called her at work. I know it was probaly him calling her back cause she had called earlier. But it bothered me (this is not the first time) So I kinda made a joke about if there was any drama going on today...to see if he'd say yeah she called. But he didn't...he said nothing. I don't like living this way. I trust him and he comes home to me everyday but I feel like he has a girlfriend on the side. This thing with checking the phone is rather obsessive and is not who I truly am. The "hex" is the only thing we ever fight about. He becomes defensive and says it's because of the child. I attend birthday functions with us all there, gynastics, etc....I go out of my way even though its uncomfortable, but she'll always ask him how to fix her car or why the smoke detector keeps going off....Lord somebody please talk to me...I'm ready to throw up my hands and say its enough...but I'm truly deeply in love with him...Please help!!! 

Name: faith | Date: Apr 27th, 2008 11:55 PM
This sounds very similiar..........my issue is my husband getting defensive when I ask a simple question, like "why was the need for her to text you at midnight tonite?" I trust my husband as well, however the more I act like things dont bother me around the ex, the more she keeps it up. I have asked my husband repeatedly if we can come up with an amiable solition, he does not want to speak about it. It is not getting better and not getting worse. I too am stuck trying to figure out if I should stay in the relationship (I did marry him, so I feel a sense of obligation, however think I should have thought it through better). I love my husband dearly and this is our only problem. A part of me thinks, the child will get older and this will be over in 7 years, the other part of me thinks "can I put up with this for 7 years". Our marriage has this constant "thing" involved in it, and its hurtful and frustrating......I would consider counseling prior to marriage! 

Name: joy2 | Date: Apr 28th, 2008 1:14 PM
Hey Faith, thanks for replying. I have been doing this for 2 1/2 years and am really tired. I'm about to the point of telling him that if it doesn't stop I'm leaving. I don't want to cause I love him and I no he loves me, but he doesn't think its that big of a deal and says it keep sthe peace...well it keeps the peace with them but not me, I feel like the 3rd person and its not fair. Finally last nite out of the blue he said he's gonna tell her if she needs to speak to him about their child she can tell him at night(he calls everynite to say goodnite to his child) (he is a wonderful dad) I know her and she'll probaly quit for a while then start all over again.But u know what if she does I'm gonna start overly killing her with kindness. I read on another website to speak so nice to the ex and talk about how much fun we have together when the child is here...talk about what a wonderful relationship i have with my bf...they say to do it in a way that she'll get so pissed she'll quit her games...one women said to thankher for being a lousy wife cause i ended up with her man...lol sounds humerous but in all reality its not...i don't want her to see that it bothers me cause i think she'll play more stupid games...i googled thw other nite how to smash the ex wifes face...I laughed out loud till i cried cause it pulled up stuff...it was the first real laugh i'd had in a while...i'm just glad to no that there are a lot of others dealing with this and i'm not alone...have a good day 

Name: Trying2cope | Date: Apr 28th, 2008 7:35 PM
Joy 2, PLEASE, PLEASE, think this through before you get married. I have been married to a wonderful man almost three years now, but his crazy X is still up to her antics. I warn you that what you are experiencing will probably get worse once you are married. The X will have that much more hate in her heart once she sees he's moved on without her. I have a long story somewhere on this website in another post, so let me tell you, you are not alone. However, I should have thought this through more before I took the vows. As great as my hubby is, sometimes I wonder if it's worth all the HELL we go through. Hindsight is 20/20 and I think I would have made a different decision that Spring of 2005 when he proposed. Take care of yourself. 

Name: joy2 | Date: Apr 28th, 2008 11:25 PM
i hear it only gets worse...i'm really confused and don't know how to feel anymore...i was married 20 years and my kidsare 17 and 22 so me and my exdon't talk very often...i feel like it's gonna be hell the next 15 years when i should finally be relaxing 

Name: Lory | Date: Apr 28th, 2008 11:34 PM
Look ladies----yeah it can be heinous! BUT....the LORD only gives you as much as you can handle....you may think you can't handle it...you can. Have faith..stay strong. When you think your at your lowest...HE picks you up & puts you where you need to be. Your probably wondering is it/he worth it?? I found myself...(MY SOULMATE)...you may think it does not happen...BUT..thru all of it....he truly does complete me/compliment me.

No...I wouldn't change what has happened for the world today...it has made me/us stronger...to handle whatever comes our way....so...I say....do you really love him..have you found "THE ONE"?? AND...I have some wonderful, sk's thru it all. Hang in there... 

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