Hello, guest
Name: sunnee
[ Original Post ]
Hello! My boyfriend and I have a seriously committed relationship, and have plans to move in together, and eventually marry. We have both been married before and both of us have school age children. My ex-husband certainly has his problems, I was the one that chose to leave the marriage, but we have found a working relationship that tries to always put our children's best interest first. He does not make problems for my boyfriend and I.
HOWEVER, my boyfriendís ex-wife is another story. She chose to end their marriage, however she is neurotic about him dating me. Without her in the picture we all get along beautifully. I love his kids, and my kids love him (and vice versa). Our children are friends and get along well, unless his ex starts playing her games. She is constantly saying things to undermine my boyfriend, and make their children feel like my children and I are taking all of their father's time, money, etc. (none of which is true - we are VERY family oriented, and constantly strive to put the children first). His ex continues to sign their children up for an absurd amount of extra curricular activities (up to 5 activities each), which is draining on the budget, and impossible to manage time wise (practices every night, and some BEFORE school, games every weekend!). She becomes unreasonable whenever my boyfriend suggests that they cut back on their children's activities, and threatens to tell the kids that "your father doesn't want you to play _________ because he spends all of his time and money on (me). He then feels trapped and feels forced to agree to this insane schedule.
He has attempted to talk to her many times, but she always pitches a fit, and gets her way.
Not being married to him, and even if I were, I do not feel that it is my place to tell him he should cut back on his kids' activities (although we have discussed it, and I have told him how it makes me feel). If I want to spend time with him, I have to cater to his kidís schedule, and so does my children.
My boyfriend is a wonderful man. He is as torn about this as I am, and he is trying very hard to come to some resolve.
It is hurtful to him that his ex-wife says such vile things about him and about me to the children.
I always try to take the higher road, and set a positive example for the kids. I think they see this (my relationship with his children is very good), but it is confusing to them when their mother tries to undermine us.
Iím sorry this post is so long, I just need to rant a little bit before I burst!
Has anyone else dealt with this kind of nonsense? I'm open to any advice.
Thank you!
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Name: mlevy396 | Date: Sep 24th, 2006 5:32 PM
Your story sounds so familiar. Go into the Divorced section and read some feedback on the title about new wives dealing with ex-wives. Unfortunately you are not going to change the ex-wife's behavior. She wants control over the kids and the her ex and you are getting in the way of that control. She doesn't want her ex, but she doesn't want anyone else to be happy with him either. She is likely jealous and spiteful of your relationship. She may even be trying to talk you down to the kids, as well. My husbands kids are affectionate with me when visiting and we do lots of things together, But when they go home they tell their Mom that they are bored and don't like me (or so she says)...I talked to the kids about this and they said they don't do this. I think they tell their Mom what she needs to hear for affirmation (isn't that sad?). When the ex starts to talk down to her ex, he needs to nip that in the bud immediately, but so do with grace. Simply explain to her that he will not be talked in such a manner and when she can be respectful to call back. Let her know you are hanging up at this time and will look forward to her call when she can talk reasonably and without malice. Good luck to you both...I know personally how challenging this can be. 

Name: pj754 | Date: Sep 29th, 2006 4:01 PM
What does the divorce papers say regarding extra activities for the children? Do both parents have to split the costs? Does both parents have to agree to allow the chilren these activities? If that's the case, then your husband can put his foot down and state that he is not going to agree to so many activites. He has to work this around his schedule and if some of them are not feasible then he doesn't have to contribute. I would think a judge would agree. In my papers, both parties have to agree so I consult my ex and ask if it's ok with him before I sign them up for the activities. As far as the ex underminding your authority, you can explain to the children that what they do in the mom's home is their mom's business. However, you do things differently in your home and they are your rules they need to follow. If they choose not to follow them, then certain priviledges will be taken away. Explain to them that it is your job as parents to teach them rules and responsibilities. It doesn't mean you don't love them it just means that the world is full of rules and they need to learn how to follow them. Try to talk with them that what their mom says isn't always true and if there is something they truly want to know about what goes on in your home, they can come to you and your husband to ask directly. Constantly tell them how much you love them and care about them. You both are trying your best to make sure they have a good chance at a wonderful life for their future. Also, if your husband is following the divorce papers to a tee, then let the ex pitch her fits as much as she wants. She can try to haul him back to court but it won't do her any good as long as he's doing what's right. She is jealous of the fact that the two of you are together and she doesn't want to see her children happy in your home. That bugs the livin crap out of her. Your right, it's all about control. This may sound like a game but kill the children with kindness. Make things fun and exciting for them. They will notice how much you do love them despite what there mom says. If their mom continues to say horrible things--try very hard not to respond to the comments. She's trying to create tension and the more you show the children it doesn't affect you the more they will see how immature their mom is. I hope things work out for the better and stand your ground. Good luck. 

Name: cmarshall | Date: Oct 6th, 2006 9:57 PM
oh my how familiar this sounds... I am married to wonderful man with good kids and we are contantly dealing with the ex and her games... my advise! STOP HER NOW! You cant let her have the control, it will just get worse and she is just trying to hurt your boyfriend and you... but she is using the kids as pawns. Your boyfriend needs to stand up to her and say stop, let her know that hurting the kids like this wont be tolerated, then sit the kids down and explain why they cant do certain things, be honest with the kids they will be understanding and just love them..
Best of luck... 

Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 6th, 2006 10:33 PM
Jealousy big time here. Even though she wanted out,she doesn't want him happy with anyone else. Don't let her get to you.Attend the kids' activities that you can easily and don't worry about the ones you can't,you'll drive yourself nuts trying to do them all. Take turns going to each of their activities so your not overloaded and they don't feel like you don't care. As for your husbands ex,what will she do with her time when all the kids are grown?! 

Name: Bedford | Date: Aug 7th, 2007 6:03 PM
I absolutly know what your talking about. I am in a similar situation and have found that there really is no "perfect answer". No matter what you do she is not going to change. So I have to say that I think you are probably doing the best thing you can do.... taking the higher road and setting a good example for the kids. They are what's most important. The "ex" I am sure is a "wonderful" person, however, she fails to see that by talking down to the kids about you and/or your boyfriends relationship she is only hurting the children.

Continue to do what you can to set a positive example. She has to give up eventually, right??!?!?! (wishful thinking) 

Name: 2nd wife | Date: Aug 13th, 2007 8:05 PM
All I am going to say is things do not get better they get worse. You need to be seriously committed to your relationship to outlast all the horrible things the first wife says and does. Speaking from someone who has been there and still dealing 

Name: Christine | Date: Sep 12th, 2007 1:51 PM
I am reading these posts and can't believe other people live my life. I have a daughter with my ex and we have a great relationship because we make it all about our daughter. My husband has three kids with his ex-wife and she is just a nut!! If you could read the letter she wrote to FOC yesterday. They have been divorced six years and we have been married for two. She uses the kids as pawns and then turns around and tells the courts my husband does this!! She actually wrote in the letter that he needs to get over her... It actually is almost humorous. We moved two years ago to be closer to his kids. I wish now that we would have stayed right where we were!! 

Name: Catherine | Date: Sep 13th, 2007 9:26 PM
I wouldn't marry anyone with an ex wife. They will ruin your life. I have been married three years to a guy with a ex wife who kicked him out three times before they divorced, has had him arrest for harrassement on our 1st Valentines Day, has ruined every holiday and anniversary we have had and he doesn't get to see his child and I am not allowed to see her anymore for no reason at all other than she has the power to do it. It has made our marriage awful. I am contemplating getting divorced as we speak. She sends him pictures of herself and calls him all day long and it doesn't relate to the child. She calls me a bitch, etc and nothing gets said because of the child. Think long and hard before you marry, you might just regret it. 

Name: The Second Wife | Date: Sep 25th, 2007 4:55 AM
RUNNNNNNN! I am the second wife in a similar situation and can honestly say it doesn't get any better. We've been married four years, she is getting married next week and still doesn't make good decisions for her child. I can honestly say that these type of women simply love power and take advantage of guys like these who simply feel like trying to appease these women is better than confronting them, ie taking the high road. My husband is the most wonderful man I've ever met, but if I had kids and they had to deal with the crap his ex-wife puts us through, I might have taken a different path. Just a bit of advice..... I can honestly say that nothing will change her behavior as it works for her.... Take care of you and your kids.... 

Name: Nite Rider | Date: Oct 2nd, 2007 4:04 PM
I have been with my husband now for 41/2 years and although I don't have the exact situation with activities, the ex wife games are very apparent! I just do my best to be mature and loving towards my step children. She tries to ruin any momentus moment in our lives including our wedding! She tried insisting on being there, even though her husband was vocal about not wanting to be there. When her husband wasn't around she had a complete fit, broke down crying, accusing my husband that he never loved her, never wanted their child together, and on. This was all in front of me. She begged me not to marry him and have kids because he would hurt me. I can guarantee she will never change. She causes stress in our relationship and we just do our best to support eachother. I am still learning, just celebrated our 1st anniversary. I have a friend who has been married 14yrs. and still dealing!!
They don't want them back...they are jealous and don't want their ex to be happy with someone else, that would mean they have to take responsibility for their part in the marriage failing. I think they also believe that there must be something wrong with themselves, whereas the mature perspective would be that sometimes 2 people are just not meant to be together.
Good luck to all...it is an uphill battle. 

Name: autumn_leaves | Date: Oct 12th, 2007 5:16 AM
It's all about control with her, she wants to be involved with the kids even when they are at your house. They need to be in activities, that is good for them. You need to sit down, however and explain to them, that while you will be at some of the games, u cannot make every one since your other kids have activities also and u have to split ur time between all them. She pulls a trick that she makes his daughter feel guilty if she's at our house during one of their activities we can't go to. She has asked if she can go with her mom, which defeats the purpose of them visiting us or our plans for the weekend. We tell them they are all involved and we have to take turns. I don't care what she tells them, because we know the truth, it is our time, and if we have other plans, we do. it's all give and take, they are going to know their dad is trying to be fair to all of them, not just the new kids he has. 

Name: Natalie | Date: Nov 4th, 2007 10:50 PM

Unfortunately, I am in a similar situation. Although I do not have any kids, I am in a very serious relationship with a man who is divorced with two kids. The kids love me, but his ex-wife hates me! She is the one who ended their marriage as well. Although she constantly threatened him with keeping their kids away from him if she ever found out that he was dating someone else because she "didn't want the kids to be around another women." So for the beginning of our relationship, he lied to her about seeing someone else because he was afraid of what she might do when she found out. This caused more problems than it helped. Eventually, she found out from someone else and FLIPPED OUT!!! She showed up at his house unannounced and started to punch him a few times when she saw me there. She told him she was going to move out of the state to keep her kids away from my boyfriend and I. This was so heartbreaking to both of us because not only was it unfair, but niether of us wanted her to move. Over time, she relaxed and realized she was being ridiculous. However, she still gets mad when he doesn't answer her phone calls because she assumes he's with me when he doesn't answer and tells their kids that they can't talk to their daddy because he's with his girlfriend. How unfair right? She doesn't even know me and doesn't even give me a chance to prove that I am a good person and I would never intentionally cause any harm to their children. They are his kids too and I care about them very much. She also tells his other family members that him and I will never work out because he cares too much about her. So BELIEVE ME!!! I understand completely what you are dealing with. It is a horrible situation to be in because it is so unfair. But all we can do is worry about ourselves and our boyfriends and hope that SHE will eventually give in and give us a chance. 

Name: OnMyWayOut | Date: Nov 17th, 2007 2:34 AM
The fact that she "Gets her way" is the central problem. There is nothing you can do about the situation. Just like at the airport, we're each responsible for our baggage. If your boyfriend won't set boundaries now, when will he? You cannot set them and it's out of your control. 

Name: Nadia | Date: Nov 19th, 2007 10:38 AM
I am hearing you!! Loud and clear!! I am in a similar position but I dont have an ex husband or children. When we first dated I didnt think I could cope with the amount of time my man spent with his girl's extra-curricular activities. 2 girls both playing rep and school basketball... took up the whole weekend. Every weekend. Once I appeared on the scene it was almost like it was her ambition to ensure that he had NO time whatsoever to spend with me and started enrolling the girls into other activities. Fortunately for me, my man said to her... I cant cope with anymore running around. If you want them to do all these extra activities, then you will have to take them yourself. Of course, her comeback was that he should make his children his priority... not his new girlfriend. No surprise when I tell you she doesnt have a man in her life. Hence her obsession with me. There is no easy solution. Hopefully when your man has had enough he will put a stop to it. He needs a life too.
I wish you all the luck. I know how you feel and can sympathise. Sorry if I wasnt much help. 

Name: Debbie | Date: Nov 30th, 2007 9:37 PM
Ye i understabd this all completely. My husbands ex wife is so evil and vindictive. She constanly calls our home from work after the kids are takend home. I never answer the phone. He gets tired of it and tells her to stop calling,. She called 3 tiomes in 5 minutes. I wrote to her corporate manager, sent them the phone records and a letter telling them that she refuses to stop calling us. She blames that on us why she got in trouble, now she does not call. She calls in the middle of the day and the 11 yr old struggles with her homework. So when we go on our trip in 2 weeks i will have my cell phone but it won't be on 

Name: Mike | Date: Dec 4th, 2007 8:28 PM
Read up on narcissism. Sounds like my ex. She is such a control freak she tried to buy my visitation rights with my kids from me. 

Name: steppy1999 | Date: Dec 5th, 2007 2:25 AM
Hi There Sunnee,
Just found this site and your situation sounds so familliar...
Been there, still doing that! For nearly 9 years, but it's worth it for the kids....But I could sure tell you some stories.
It's frustrating, but my advice is to continue to set a good example for the kids...they need it...especially when their Mother's behavior confuses them. We have a lot of open conversation with my husband's 3 kids....we have a very good relationship....Unfortunately, their Mom has taught them to play a lot of mind games.
Do the kids want to be in all these activities or is it all their Mom as part of the "game"? I might suggest a rather bold move....if possible.....if the kids don't really want to attend all these activities.....cut her off financially. Is there a court order stating he pay for all the extra curricular activities? If not....put a padlock on the wallet.
We've found that the wallet is one area our "ex" makes a beeline for as a way of "hitting us where it hurts"....as I said, part of the "game" played by a lot of ex's.
less extra curricular activities leaves more quality time to spend with your boyfriend's kids.
Good luck!!! 

Name: Scottsdale | Date: Dec 14th, 2007 11:37 PM
I am in a relationship with a divorced man and our children are the same age. I am lucky in the way I do not have a ex and my childs father was never in the picture. His ex is pretty good on the surface or in the public eye but plays games that i think only other woman can pick up on, men definatly can not! She does make it hard at times for us to get on with our lives. She throught little fits if she does not get her way, it almost like she expects him to still act like they are still married where it convinences her. Maybe i over react I dont know i would also take any advise. 

Name: crumberly | Date: Dec 17th, 2007 4:48 AM
wow, i am living a similar life with my bf he has 3 kids as do i only my ex and i are fine! i am happy he has found someone!!! My bf's ex is mentally instable, claims she is physically handicapped and will never work again, has had 4 back surgeries, says she is bipolar, no wait that was a misdiagnosis, she has a traumatic brain disorder due to all her back surgeries,is addicted to pain meds, just has had a dui while flipping her car. never shows up on time to visit with the kids, we have custody because she assaulted their oldest son over 3 years ago. 2 months ago she was finally allowed to see him and speak w/him at a reunification which went really bad and now he never wants to see her again. he is now 16 anyway. She compulsively lies to the point she believes it. She has threatened to sue me over her daughters bangs i trimmed and she didn't like as well as sue me because her son, while removed from her custody by dcf and the police, broke his ankle playing in my yard where he lived with his father, i ,his sisters and my 3 kids. She has threatened to call the police on us for many stupid reasons, (we lost power in a storm, we did not want her to bring cupcakes to school due to nut allergies which the year before she did and they had nuts in them even though we told her they needed to be nut free. She claimed my bf smashed her boyfriends car windows on 2 seperate occaisions and i should look for the golf clubs he used, we are stalking her, yeah, with 6 kids we have time to stalk her!! She has threatened to report my bf to the state for the work he does cause he needs a license, but he doesn't do the part that needs one. She has called her lawyer and the Gal appointed to the kids so many times and has dragged us to court repeatedly over the last 3 years we now owe well over 12,000.00, We had to fire our lawyer. She doesn't work she collects workers comp. She wants and likes to litigate, she has sued her neighbors and 2 former employers. Accuses her parents of stealing her taxes and called the police on them, the taxes were found right in front of the cops in the trunk of her car!! She is a real winner!!! what a waste of our oxygen!!! The poor kids and i mean all of them know she is nuts but the court still needs to do an extensive custody investigation. The kids are all doing awesome in school and sports. All the school teachers and counselors have spoken to the court and have stated the kids are great and happy, healthy well adjusted. Yet the court just spoke with the mother and grandmother who said they have concerns regarding the kids and now we need to talk to them. Well we got the call while we were on vacation with all the kids and we haven't called back yet!! How absurd!!! All her bull is documented but the court counselor has concerns now because the mother says so?? The grandmother wants her daughter to be able to move out of her house and she would like nothing better than for her crazy daughter to have the kids back because then she will be able to move out and get state housing if she has the kids. Mom and grandmother only get along for so long and it has been about 8 months now so there is about to be a blow up. The courts will rape you, the counselors will rape you and they have no clue they are doing it.
The Gal will rape you and he knows it and is happy to do it. of course your lawyer is only happy to rape you as well, that way he can afford to go out to lunch at the same place and with the court appointed Gal and Judges. The youngest is only 7 we have years of hell, the mother will never stop!! We laugh most of the time and you better have a really good sense of humor too and you better decide now if you can remain committed, because the ex has nothing but time to cause you hell. Ignore it as best you can, i do not look, speak or aknowledge the woman unless she starts yelling at me and she makes the kids cry. Then I tell her to stop and look at what she is doing to her children, when she doesn't stop i let her know what a wonderful job she is doing at hurting her kids. there is so much more but this is definately long enough and it is nice to vent. Sorry, there really is nothing you can do! You really better think long and hard and you better be a happy well adjusted person with a great sense of humor!!! You can only change the way you react to her!!! And honestly it takes a while for some men to grow their balls back and if you constantly nag and tell him what a weak suck he is, you will stunt their growth!! He needs positive reinforcement , praise, love,stroke his ego, he is a man remember!!! 

Name: VeggieMom2B | Date: Dec 17th, 2007 5:19 AM
I found this when I googled "bitter ex wife" :)

Bitter Ex Wife Pattern
Some examples to help you identify the bitter Ex!
by a BSWC Member.

It is recognised and accepted that Divorce is a painful, emotional process and it takes time for both separated spouses to recover and get on with their new lives. The BSWC has found, and many health professions agree, it takes at least 12 months for parties to get over the divorce and focus on their new lives however many 2nd marriages are finding, sometimes years after the previous marriage had ended in divorce, they are having to deal with the a bitter ex-wife who refuses to get over it and get on with her life and accept children have a right to have a happy relationship with their father.

Whatever the decisions were to end the marriage there seems to a number of first wives who have unresolved issues, we have discovered a familiar pattern into which a bitter ex-wife's behaviour falls: BEP ~ Bitter Ex-wife Pattern.

Most of our members have experienced some or all of these problems:

Ex-wife seeks to control ex-husband's time with their children.

Ex-wife dictates who should/shouldn't be around the children, ex- wife may seek to have 2nd wife, girlfriend, grandparents excluded.

Ex-wife to make child contact as difficult as possible - offer the children up for contact when she knows the ex-husband is working then accuse him of being an uncaring father when he can't see them at short notice.

Ex-wife insists she will not do any driving on contact days.

Ex-wife using the children to send messages to ex-husband and his family.

Ex-wife bad mouth ex-husband/wife/girlfriend/family and make children repeat it.

Ex-wife makes young children aware of court action, CSA etc.,

Ex-wife ridiculing ex-husband in front of the children and encouraging them to do the same.

Ex-wife tells the children they don't have to listen to their father.

Ex-wife insists on calling the children on their mobile phone while they are supposed to be relaxing and enjoying their time with their father yet blocks any calls ex-husband may make to the children.

Ex-wife refuses to give children privacy when their father calls to speak to them; she will listen to the call and coach the child in what to say.

Ex-wife insisting the children call there father by his first name and to call her new boyfriend 'Dad'.

Ex-wife enrols anyone who will listen to her into her hate ex-husband campaign.

Ex-wife gives no priority to ex-husband's time with the children and will organise an activity without discussing with their father.

Ex-wife to make verbal agreements so arrangements are made in advance and then claim itís not in the court order so it won't happen.

Ex-wife refuses to abide by the court order and considers herself above it all, doesnít matter how it affects the children.

Ex-wife refuses to 'allow' ex-husband to have any part in the children's education.

Ex-wife blocks ex-husband's attempts to have contact with schools, doctors and dentist.

Ex-wife lies to education authorities telling them her ex-husband is a bad person and that he should be excluded at all costs.

Ex-wife claims everything is the ex-husbands fault and she was totally blameless throughout the marriage.

Ex-wife had affairs during the marriage yet acts like a woman scorned when ex-husband gets on with his life without her.

Ex-wife lies about situations in the marriage and dates.

Ex-wife spying on ex-husband's new girlfriend/wife, hang around his home, and make nuisance phone calls.

Ex-wife obsessed with ex-husband's new life, wife and/or girlfriend.

Ex-wife engages the services of a Private Detective to spy on ex-husband and his new partner.

Ex-wife makes false claims of abuse of the children by ex-husbands new partner.

Ex-wife will claim at every opportunity her ex-husbands partner/wife is unfit to be around 'her' children.

Ex-wife makes false accusations about ex-husband harassing her.

Ex-wife makes false accusations of ex-husband beating her although she can't back this up with any evidence and her friends have never heard her mention this.

Ex-wife writes long waffling letters using solicitorís terminology because she believes she has legal training due to the fact she spends so much time in their company.

Ex-wife claims the ex-husband is bad father because he doesn't pay enough money.

Ex-wife belittles presents given to the children by their father/his wife/his girlfriend/his family.

Ex-wife destroys presents given to the children by their father.

Ex-wife thinks she is entitled to most of the ex-husbands money.

Ex-wife enrols the help of her latest boyfriend to threaten and intimidate ex-husband.

Ex-wife has 'playing the victim' down to a fine art.

Ex-wife destroys all ex-husbands personal belongings she can get her hands on.

Ex-wife destroys family photos in front of children.

Ex-wife never questioned ex-husband's ability to be a good father and to care for the children by himself until they were divorced when he became totally unreliable and couldn't be trusted with the children unless she gives him a complete list of dos and don'ts.

Ex-wife refuses to acknowledge she has a problem and seek professional treatment for her problems such as paranoia, poor self image, anger...

And finally.....

Ex-wife claims she is always reasonable and all the problems are caused by her ex-husband! 

Name: VeggieMom2B | Date: Dec 17th, 2007 5:22 AM
I totally understand what you are going threw. I'm with my husband for several years. His ex still playing stupid games to brake our spirits. It SUCKS!!! 

Name: amylee329 | Date: Dec 27th, 2007 3:52 AM
Well hello ,I would say that this is the place for me.I live in your same hell.First off I have two kids of my own and my boyfriend shares one child with his ex.When we started dating I was assured that they got along wonderfully.What a big fat lie ,or shall I say as long as he gives her extra money and does whatever she ask.My boyfriend is a inspector for a big company,with this job he has had for over five years,he has had to travel weeks to months at time.She new all this before having a child and was fine with it for the money was great,but mommy likes to party,so when they weren't seeing eye to eye they agreed to separate,her getting temp.custody.As we moved in together,I left my well paying job to stay at home to help blend our families together and start helping him get his daughter on his weekends ,because she was always calling him and fusing him out about how unfair it is to her and her personal time.So for a year I have been doing hers and my boyfriends job by picking her up on our weekends and also keeping her for weeks at a time,however I 'm never allowed to comment on her daughters bad behavior,she has major fits throwing herself to the floor when she doesn't get her way,refuses to eat her food ,but instead plays with it at every meal and now has starting peeing her pants all day.I know she is only four,but I to have kids and my children never throw these fits and act this way,our latest concern is she strips her clothes off for my 7 year old son,talks about shaking her sexy hips in the clubs for boys.Her father and I have sat her down several times and explained to her that little girls should not act like this.We mention it to her mother and she started yelling saying it must be coming from our home.However mom is the party girl who always leaaves her daughter for whole weekends to be with babysitters,Mom has once told me that their daughter @ 3 told her ( mommy I just hate it when you leave me all weekend.) I am lost,I want to marry this man,but with all this craziness I 'm not sure anymore,because everytime mom wants money or something he gives in,even though he complains about her all the time.I have talked to him also to let him know how this makes me fill and he promises to change it.But then she calls and he gives in to what she tells him,like ordering way to many pics from school then telling him to pay half,I dont mind him helping but she never calls ahead of time to ask if he would like to go in half on anything,she just orders it or signs her up for sports and then tells him.Maybe I'm over reactting. So for the last three months I refuse to keep her while he's away and told him to start firing back at mom or I was leaving,so now two weeks before x-mas we have been at war with mom.We have had their daughter for two weeks witch is his x-mas to have her and then returned her to mom x-mas day @ 3pm around 7pm x-mas day she started texting my boyfriend wanting to argue about the divorce papers and legal agreements with their daughter,which they have never went by when it comes to their daughter.He is now no longer allowed to pick her up at school without moms written permission and not allowed to talk with teachers about their daughters behavior , enless mom says so.GOD HELP ME 

Name: kim | Date: Dec 27th, 2007 11:31 PM
oh my god you sound so much like me. My boyfriends ex makes life so hard. Any time ay all spent with me and my children turns into a war. she starts in with saying he is putting me and mine before his own. she drags the kids into it as well. I want so badly to tell her she is being a bad mother by doing this. using the kids as weapons, but he says it will just make things worse. God luck honey and if you find a way to deal with the ex let me know. 

Name: amylee329 | Date: Jan 2nd, 2008 4:39 AM
Well Happy New Years to everyone! Well I have been delivered great news for the new year. Ex-wife tried really hard to make things ugly,so we fired back,but with legal help.Never stup to their level,let them run their mouths our lawyer told us to record her her everytime she starts yelling at my boyfriend. I know everyone can not afford to battle in court and may not want to,but I spoke with a well educated lawyer in family matters as these.( He said never settle with easy just agreeable divorce papers when it comes to children,everything may be going well at the time,but like now as we all are dealing with jealous ex-s,well do anything to get what they want,even us their children.)So always have all concerns and wants wrote word for word,because you never know when all the bs will start.Most of these controlling but lost woman who do this because the have no real life,are usually just running their mouths.Us legal counciling and they tend to change their tunes,esc.when they have to pay for legal counciling themselves.So I say save as much money as you can and battle back when needed.It is so well watching them squirm around .God Bless all of you,pray also and ask the lord to guide you,my boyfriend and I did this the night before we went to bed and woke up to hearing good news.We can't wait until she gets the lawyers papers telling her she can't do all the bs she has been doing. 

Name: amylee329 | Date: Jan 2nd, 2008 4:42 AM
Well Happy New Years to everyone! Well I have been delivered great news for the new year. Ex-wife tried really hard to make things ugly,so we fired back,but with legal help.Never drop to their level,let them run their mouths our lawyer told us to record her her everytime she starts yelling at my boyfriend. I know everyone can not afford to battle in court and may not want to,but I spoke with a well educated lawyer in family matters as these.( He said never settle with easy just agreeable divorce papers when it comes to children,everything may be going well at the time,but like now as we all are dealing with jealous ex-s,well do anything to get what they want,even use their children.)So always have all concerns and wants wrote word for word,because you never know when all the bs will start.Most of these controlling but lost woman who do this because the have no real life,are usually just running their mouths.Use legal counciling and they tend to change their tunes,esc.when they have to pay for legal counciling themselves.So I say save as much money as you can and battle back when needed.It is so well worth watching them squirm around .God Bless all of you,pray also and ask the lord to guide you,my boyfriend and I did this the night before we went to bed and woke up to hearing good news.We can't wait until she gets the lawyers papers telling her she can't do all the bs she has been doing. 

Name: Dawn | Date: Jan 7th, 2008 5:43 PM
I am in the same situation. Ex-wife makes our lives a living hell and uses her kids to try to control my husband. I love his kids to death and they love me. All I can say is ignore ignore ignore. In the beginning of our relationship, she would constantly email, call, text me and I felt like I had to play the peace maker to get along with her. It took me 2 years and a lot of stress and fights between me and my husband for me to realize she was never going to change, she was and is a miserable person that doesn't want my husband to be happy. So now when she calls or emails, I just ignore it. Unless one of the kids is in the hospital, there is no reason for contact. Do what you have been doing and for the sake of your own sanity, do not expect things to get any better. The longer you are together, the more her anger will escalate. Everyone here is right when they say it's about control. She doesn't have control any more over HIM so she's using the kids to do it. It's a sick, sick game 

Name: IsItWorthIt | Date: Jan 10th, 2008 6:35 PM
I feel a unique kinship to all of you. I'm dating a wonderful man who has full custody of 3 kids. The wife is snapshot of disaster: bipoloar, history of meth and alcohol abuse with recent ER and detox visits, unemployed (but tells the kids she's going to school to be an RN but never takes classes), recently charged with welfare fraud (filed to expedite funds to her for her 3 kids claiming she has the kids 50% of the time and he had to jump through hoops to prove he had full custody and fortunately the Fraud Dept picked up on it and made her pay back what she had received), spreads rumors to anyone who will listen that she has a brain injury from physical abuse from her husband (when actually fell down drunk and hurt her head, but no real injuries), claims my boyfriend's a pediphile, has 2-3 surgeries a year (drug-seeking behavior) to score the meds, got kicked out of section 8 (welfare) housing last August so she moved in with her elderly mom and then her elderly father (a bitter divorce between those too as well), has 2 older sons that my boyfriend raised and call him dad that have disowned her, got her 2nd dwi in 10 years in June and has been driving illegally with the kids until we found out in December and is challenging the stop (right.... last DWI she had a 2.4 BAC, she rages in front of the kids at her father, has called my work saying I'm a homewrecker and immorale (they were divorced when we met).

She recently moved nearby again and things are spiraling out of control. Our tax dollars and mommy/daddy are paying this 50 year old womanís rent. Need I say more? Quite a mess.

The new deal is sheís and telling the kids that they can live with her now that they're 14. She does not parent. They run the neighborhood, stay out at night, surf the net on questionable sites, says inappropriate adult issues in front of the kids, let them watch whatever the want (The Hills Have Eyes for example). So if they get mad at their dad because they have to clean their room or finish their homework, she comes to pick them up (or has her enabling parents pick them up since we know she lost her license), or the kids take the school bus to her house instead of home. My biggest fear entering this scenario was 1. getting emotionally drained and sucked in. I'm there. 2. getting financially intertwined because I care about the kids and want them to have nice thing. I'm there. 3. that my boyfriend would give into her just to keep the peace. So far so good on that. He's not as aggressive as I would be, but he does step up when he has to.

I came into this single with no kids and a successful professional career. I liked the idea of the kids in the picture but had no idea how sick this mess was. I listen to Dr. Joy Brown who also says that when they are not your kids you don't have any say. That you need to be "cheerful and stupid." Basically, let him parent. Period. I try. I use the analogy of a boxer in a ring. He's in the fight for the long haul and I'm outside the ring giving his fresh water and cheering him on. That helps me some. It's works better than hearing that it's not my business when I'm emotionally tapped by this.

He does hear me out if I need to talk, but we have issues over this which, from what I can tell from other posts, is exactly what the exís want. I am to the point of wondering if this is the right path for me. I love this man and find him to be an exceptional human being and partner, yet is it worth the trouble? This week he has went to the school and talked with the counselors. He always goes to the school conferences and there hasnít been any trouble in the past, just now with her nearby, so he some allies at school that Iím so very grateful for. He also is going to talk with a lawyer about the problem with her not returning the kids after the court ordered visits. He hasnít gone and picked them up when she doesnít return them because he didnít want to stress the kids out with the craziness/rage/drama that will ensue. However, as they say: nothing changes if nothing changes. Him trying to talk to the kids about following the rules isnít working with a a bipolar mother in the picture.

With the pending DWI trial and not following the visits as instructed, itís the perfect time to challenge some issues. He doesnít want to, and financially is going to struggle with this, but knows he needs to. I need my man to fight. I know you canít reason with a crazy person, but rules are rules. He wants to raise rule and law-abiding kids, both of which are lessons they are not learning from their mommy dearest.

They are honestly nice polite kids but are so strongly influenced by the Ďdark sideí so to speak. I know itís their mom and has a certain power of them. Theyíve changed in the last 3 months since sheís been around. Iíve never tried to be their mom. I said Iím more like an aunt. We get along great, but with her nearby the situation is chaos. I have my own home and am grateful we havenít jumped into marriage.

Where am I today besides bearing my sole to my fellow second (or potential) second wives? I guess to share my story. To say youíre not alone. To say that I also believe that, according to the book Toxic Divorce, that the old school thought of ďsay nothing to the kidsĒ if yesterdayís psychology. Itís truth time. If the ex is constantly bad-mouthing and lying day in and day out, the kids DO get brain-washed. Yes, lead by example and donít get into the rage and hate-filled screaming matches, but SPEAKUP for the truth in the situation as well. Itís the information age and kids need information. Discuss the problems. Talk to a lawyer and document document document the issues!

Best to us all. Iím not sure if Iíll make it in this relationship. Iím going to see how the next 6 months pans out and then will decide. If itís a battle tilí death do they part, Iím not the woman for the part.


Name: should i get out? | Date: Jan 13th, 2008 4:49 AM
I'm dealing with the same situations-been with my boyfriend form only a year and a half, no kids of my own, 30 years old. Someone tell me, should I just get out now? This DOES NOT SEEM WORTH IT! 

Name: Judy | Date: Jan 14th, 2008 11:53 PM
Why is that ex's cannot move on? my boyfriend's ex is giving us trouble after 20 years have past. There is a new granddaughter and we love her like crazy but, she can't move on. your boyfriend's ex sound the same ,why can' the kids be the first priority and just move on from the past? Just keep the kid's as the priority and good things will come. hang in there it is worth waiting for!!!! You are the better person for making the kids come first !!
Here's to easier times! 

Name: Lynn | Date: Jan 15th, 2008 2:15 PM
I read all the statements and have wondered about my situation with my husband and his ex-wives.The one in particular is the one who is bipolar,she calls he most.My husband has broken up with her 14 years ago,they were married only 2 years at the most.I can't tell you the phone calls she's made to my husband.It is all hours,even a few times at 12 midnight.We have been married 4 1/2 years now.My huband has never been included in the childs schooling but yet he gets a call for back to school night.I asked him why he would go without my going.He didn't reply.I explained to him what that really is and why they have the back to school night.He tried to apease her so he will not get the boot for one of his weekends from her.She changes the weekends.She manitpulates the holidays.He told me once it took 4 years to divorce her because she would get the information from the lawyers and not call anyone back.His lawyer referred to the divorce as the divorce from hell.I saw it on the divorce letters for responce.
My issues are that she will not stop calling,she finds stupied reasons to call.My stepson had a report to do on cloud formation and for some reason that 4 days there wasn't a cloud in the sky to speak of.She called my husband and asked him if he had back up home work for this science class.I have raised my own and she is in college,do ya think the teachers will put backup home work out there for this kind of assignment?NO! It is rediculous.She called one day while we were eating dinner to ask him what kind of deoderant he used.Then proceeded to go into a long talk over our dinner table with her son on the phone.We no longer have this child here when she begins calling.We can't eat dinner in peace and he only comes every other week if she decideds to abide by the oder.This child is nearly 16 now and this is going on.I wonderd what my rights were as a step-parent and wife.
She tried to get this child to come live here with her keeping coustody and the child support but yet she would be involved with his schooling from 40 miles away,my husband had every intention of my being the one the school contacts in any situation aside from her dealing with it.He was just cutting 200.00 off the 856.00 she gets from him for the child support.She would be here evenually in our household is what it will boil down to with her having custody.My husband even went to dinner with her to discuse this exchange behind my back and signed her papers for the lawyer she went and got.My listening very closely to the remarks given my other daughter-in-law told me something that clued m in on what this woman was doing.This ex-wife actually called her up as my daughter-in-law was coming into town to see us,we don't know why she had to think she is still the step-mother but was filling her in on what my husband and her have done,she was sending this boy here but keeping coustody of him.
Enough was enough,I told my husband I knew he signed the papers because he was really letting the cat out of the bag by the statements he had made and I decided I will not take this child due to the fact it was being done over a lie.The onlyy issue this boy had was peer presure,I told them this.He had issues in his school and she was sending him to 2 different doctors.All he needed was the right kind of attention,and his friends.This has been a year ago or so,he is adjusted fine at his school now.He Stepson) and I talked and he knows I did this for everyones benefit.He is ok with it and he told me he was very happy he had his friends now.He was very concerned about leaving his friends he hadsince elementry in just hear-say conversations I was picking up on.
My stepson and I are ok with eachother but I think he still abides by dear ole mother who is not a good influence in his life.She too manipulates the summer and puts this child on trips for the whole summer which takes away from my husband but heaven forbid he confronts her with the fact he wants his son on his weekends and his week for vacation.You know the other thing is he misdirects anger at me wh she does this stuff to hte child.He should tell her off and speak with her ugly,not me.I am getting to be the stronger of the situation where he will listen to me first.She actually had him listening to poor of her and he would feel sorry for her.She has never remarried and dates this guy now for the last 3 years and has told her son she doesn't want to marry him it isn't right for her.Funny thing is she told my husband she was marrying him when she dated him 3 times and she was out house hunting for their new house.Later I heard her son say they cancelled on the proposal of marriage.My guess the proposal never happened but she was house hunting.This was about 3 months after we married.So...the frustration of having this going on is shared by alot of us here.What to do about it is baffleing.There is another ex-wife,the first one who decided she needed to call ever so often.He does call her when he thinks I am asleep.This one was when he was 18 and got her pregnant in high school.They have 2 kids 38 and 33 if you call them kids today.They are grown and they can call themselves,why mommy needs to have intervention is beyond me.This woman is married and my husband feels the need to call her when she is on this trip to NY to see their grown daughter to see if she got ther eok.What is that all about?He thinks he as these life long connections as the over see'r,she is mothe rof his children as he put it once.i think he is a bit off the wall when all this come up.This isn't his mother it is the kids mother and her over see'r should be her own husband.
I know my husband wants too much attention even at the cost of hurting his own wife.He dosen't know where his priority starts and ends.
Since the 5 year married mark is approaching us he seems to have toned down a bit.He hasn't been married this long before,he never made it 2 years.He has married 4 times,me being #4.The bipolar 2nd one ran off the 3rd wife.She and my husband lost the focus of a marriage,it was due to the hurt he felt for his wanting his son and the ex was trying to break them up.The bipolar one thought the 3rd wife was the reason they eded the marriage and it wasn't that.The mother of this bipolar woman ran him out of the house when the bipolar one went into the hostipal due to a mania episode in another state where he had to go get her from a ward.They wouldn't tell him what was wrong,he was never told she had bipolar disorder.Matter of fact it was being rumored at their wedding she had this,I was told by a family member.I was told that he married and she married based on a statement to him she would marry him if he would let her have a baby.Nine months into the marriage she wasn't pregnant yet and asked him for a divorce,it devestated him to no end.A week later she found out she was pregnant.
This is such a long letter I will close now.I needed to vent because you know how it can get sometimes.You wonder if it is all worth it.I have been told some things and found out things he never thought I would see and hear.Why would a husband lie so much to his own wife just to get his way and what he wants.I think that hurts the most.I know she is crazy!What's his excuse? Thanks! 

Name: tonya | Date: Jan 16th, 2008 4:28 PM
i understand totally! I am in the same situation. She left him and wont let it go. we have actually married this past year because it was so much of a problem us being together with her son around. long story short, she gave him up to us. so we have full custody, because she wants to run the roads with the aol men. sad....she tries to make me look bad to her son and im the one supporting him. she is 2500 behind in child support and im the one that has him covered under health insurance because she is not working and cant keep a job, she lives at home with her parents and has no transportation. i understand what you are going through, do you have a aol screen name? we could talk. mine is [email protected] thanks 

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