Hello, guest
Name: Water
[ Original Post ]
I have been married for 28.5 years. We dated for 3 years and then got married. My husband is a high-school teacher, a Bible student and leader in the local church. He is a good father. I am also a leader in the local church and a good mother. We have two beautiful teen-age children.

The children left home in August. One to college, and one to a boarding high school (her choice).

We have been in counseling since 1998 with several different counselors. A Christian counselor in a town where we moved from in 2001 told me in our exit interview (first separately, then together), that I should meet someone and get married. He was never going to change.

I left him last fall for 10 days.

So, what's the problem with this perfect setting? First of all, he insists on high standards for our relationship. We must be able to talk it all out. Problem: he insists on talking about all his problems and worries and fears and all mine, and my family's problems (they don't have any), and all my faults and all the unkind things I have said, etc. etc. in the attempt to tear down so he can build up. There is no forgiveness here, and no way of me showing that I am not what he thinks of me. There is also no respect shown towards women, especially me. He pushed me from our bed 8 years ago, and even during a time when our house was torn apart by a hurricane and my bedroom was under construction, I was made to wander from room to room in the house, looking for a place to sleep. I have 5 college degrees, have a decent job and the children are out of the house.

Why do I hesitate to leave, even though I have threatened to do so for many years? I am afraid of being alone. I am afraid of the children and the effect it will have on them.

I'm confused, because he is not a bad person. We are in psychotherapy at the moment and the counselor is teaching us to dialogue in a less disruptive way.

Can this be worked out or what?


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Name: Water | Date: Mar 16th, 2006 6:32 PM
Hi Folks -- I really do need advice! Is there anyone out there?

Name: Alicia | Date: Mar 16th, 2006 8:36 PM
Have you ever though about what you really want for you instead of pleasing everyone else? Your kids are grown, kids can detect more than we think they can. Hiding and pretending nothing is wrong for the kids well being is in my opinion, doing the opposite. Think back when you were a kid, wasnt one of the most important things in life your parents happiness? When parents are happy and content, children are too. And not to mention, youve done your work for everyone else, your kids are older and one is out of the house. They will soon venture into their own lives if they havent already. It may be about time to venture into yours, be happy, find your life you want. There's nothing wrong with finding your happiness. Fear is a major setback. Please ask "How can I be scared of something I've never tried and why?" everything sounds so much easier in words I know, We freeze in fear of taking action, in fear of rejection, in fear of causing trauma, in fear of letting our family down and for the most part, in fear of our own happiness and success. For many people, when it comes to taking care of themselves, its non-existent, why is this so? You should never feel you have to earn the right all of us should posess, and that right is self love. Thats all it is, self love is not found out of anger or blaming your husband or yourself or who's really the bad guy or who's wrong or right. This all may sound a bit corny but think about it, If we really loved ourselves, I mean really had alot of self respect, many of us wouldnt be in the predicaments we are in today. You've been in counseling for many years, maybe even going in circles with it, but unless you get to the root of your problem, you will continue to play the same broken record. Time for a new one dont you think?, I know its a scary thing to live in solution, but in solution, is how we should live our daily lives. 

Name: sonia | Date: Mar 16th, 2006 9:44 PM
Wow! that sound like an extremely difficult situation to be in. The day my husband kicks me out of our bed is the day I divorce him! Do you guys ever have sex? Why don't you sleep together? I mean why doesn't he want you to sleep with him? I know how you feel about being afraid to be alone I am the same way that is partly why I am still married and my husband still trys to work on our marriage. This is wrong and you are entitled, relgiously speaking, to get a divorce since this sound like abuse to me. Take care of yourself. God would not approve of you letting yourself be treated so badly. He will comfort you if you are alone. Trust him. You sweet soul I can't even imagine your pain. There are people out there who will give you the love you deserve. 

Name: Water | Date: Mar 17th, 2006 2:19 PM
Hi Alicia,

Thank you for your words. It gives me alot to think about! You're right: I need to get to the root of the problem.

Our counselor says that thoughts, feelings and actions are a cycle, and impacting one of them impacts all three.

So...one of the possible solutions is to fill our minds with good thoughts. We are reading a book each morning for breakfast "Married for Life." I found it in Walgreen's Pharmacy and gave it to him for Valentine's Day. It's filled with inspirational stories of people who have made it and gone through the tough times.

Yes, will think about the self-respect issue. Could you please be more explicit: list ways women can have self-respect?


Name: Water | Date: Mar 17th, 2006 2:25 PM
Hi Sonia,

No sex. No emotional intimacy, or connection. We are good housemates. It's too bad.

My husband says sex is not everything, but to even ask permission to touch him is sad.

I don't know why he doesn't want to sleep with me. It's too sad, really. I think he is afraid of intimacy, because his dad left when he was 11 years old.

I trust in God for everything. That's how I have stayed sane.


Name: sonia | Date: Mar 19th, 2006 12:32 AM
My husband said the same thing about sex not being everything and it is true but it is still an important part of being married. I finnally convinced him of this but no touch at all goes way over the line. Humans need touch! babies won't even survive without it! Your husband must have some major mental illness. I hope you can work it out but you still need to be touched even if it is not your hasband who touches you. XOXOXOXO take care and if you want to chat more I'm here. 

Name: Water | Date: Mar 20th, 2006 1:53 PM
Hi Sonia,

Thanks for your encouraging words. Good to know you're there!


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