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| Name: stuffle7 | Date: Apr 20th, 2010 12:54 AM |
| sounds like you have done everything you could to try and save this marriage. One last ditch effort couldn't hurt though. Give him the old ultimatum. Counseling or you walk. If he refuses then you have your answer. ↑ |
| Name: patty | Date: May 10th, 2010 9:24 AM |
| Lorissa, Your story sounds slightly similar to mine. I have been married just about 10 years. No kids thankfully. We tried initially and thought we wanted them..but when we had fertility issues and the 1 IVF failed, we decided we were fine without them aferall. When we met, he was at a job that he telecommuted from home, made his own income, athletic seemed ambitious, has a nice family. He is just very shy. I realized now he was probably mainly attracted to me because I was outgoing and had alot of friends. I was 32 when I met him and thought itwas time to finally settle down and have a family and he was the "marrying kind". We actually were very thorough pre-engagement when it came to talking about ALL the things like finances, children, where we wanted to live, legal stuff. He is very methodical like that. We got married a year after our engagement and about a month later, quit that job he had (which I agreed with because it would have turned into a long commutin job with a new tyrant of a boss). He decided to start a whole new career selling insurance which meant months of training, licensing, etc. He started working for a major insurer but being that is shy and somewhat antisocial and not a strong networker..he just cannot sell! SO over the last 10 years, he has been bouncing around from different insurance agencies, brokers..switching from different financial vehicles to sell, college planning services, life, health,.recently switch to now selling property and casualty insurance, but after a few short months, he now tells me he thinks they will "fire" him to because..guess what..he sucks at selling! I have been telling him that for years.The financial strain and stress has torn this relationship apart. I actually have been the main breadwinner and let him drain what little retirement savings I had to help support his business. I tell him it would have been cheaper for him to just not work..or to take a job and not have them pay him..then it cost for him to run his own business! I am self employed and take on new clients to bring in new income but that means i am practially working 20 hrs a day! I am up ti 3am on my computr while he gets his 8 hours sleep! He sees how much I work and I tell him over and over that I don;t want to see him watching TV while i am wokring and he should be bending over backward to make sure everything around me is taken care of so I can continue to work and bring in most of the income. This has been a rollercoaster for all of our marriage...I tell him this is ripping us apart and he just always says it is the stress of the business..a vicious cycle. There are many other issues too that have arisen and I see how little we have in common and how much him being antisocial effects how I interact with people. I dont like going out with him because him not saying much to anyone is embarassing. Even my little neices and nephew think his is a bit wierd that he doesn't talk much. He is horrible to travel with. As soon as the garage door closes and we are en route to our destination, he freaks out. I roll with any situation but he hates "chaos" and just goes into this freakout mode. He has almost ripped a finger off me and cut my toe open ripping luggage out of my hand too quickly or trying to jam my luggage up an escalator at the airport! I love to travel..but just not with him much because of this. I tell him everytime about this behavior but it is like telling a black man to stop being black. There is no way to change that! It is who he is unfortunately! We hardly speak when home..we are like roommates here in this house now. He says he will change, but he doesn't..and now that I am almost 43, I really just don't want to spend another 10years, 20, 30f.wasted feeling along in a marriage that is financially, emotionally and physically draining. I so dream about being on my own again. When I decided to break down last week and have a conversation about how I really feel (because he just yet again told me about another career transition).I told him I just about had enough of this and feel alone, feel like I think he wants ou but is always afraid to make a move first. He always wants me to be the out in things. He says he wants to make it work and to give him until the end of this month to prove he will be different..he will pay more attention, be more affectionate, etc (which really doesn't solve all the other issues about how he is not social or sucks to travel with him)..so after a week..nothing much has changed. He is still up in his office playing a computer game. I am downstairs with laptop on my lap working. He has asked me how I was doing a few extra times..did I need anything..but nothing much has changed. SO..now what..this is the hard part. It is hard ending a marriage..we agreed we both did not believe in divorce before we got married..but I was not expecting what I got. It is a 360 from what we had before! Is that fair? He is not abusive..a nice guy..never would cheat on me (I almost wish he would to make this easier!) so it is hard to just go our separate ways..BUT I really need to decide if I want to spend the last years of my life living like this. I don't see improvement in his social behaviors and that is key. I don't feel like he has the same passions or ideas that I do..we have some interests in common..but even with travel..he is more judgemental about some cultural differences...so he doesn't wan to go to some countries I adored because he thinks it is "too poor, too dirty"..etc.he sees all the negatives in everything first where I always have the rose colored glasses on..good or bad. Siggh....long story..I think I just needed to get this in writing. I need to make a decision soon...before more years pass by that I regret not taking that chance and cutting my losses. ↑ |
| Name: lucy | Date: May 11th, 2010 3:15 PM |
| It was time for you to move on before you bought the house. Now you are going to be stuck with him and the morgage until you can get rid of them. Send him back to his mamma's house and get your life back. If you wait 10 more years he will be doing the same thing. http://ourplace.forumsmotion.com/ ↑ |
