Hello, guest
Name: HA
[ Original Post ]
Quick question....This has nothing to do w/ insecurity but, I know I am going to be the 2nd wife in his life but I would like to be the only wife w/ his last name. Do most ex's keep the last name or change to their maden name. They were married for 5 yrs and have 2 kids. Maybe she'll change it once I have the last name?
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Name: patty | Date: Jul 20th, 2007 6:02 PM
No, she probably won't change it after you get it too. Its a big deal changing a name, with all the paper work, most people don't bother. Especially if there are kds involved they usually want the same name as the kds. 

Name: Laura | Date: Jul 20th, 2007 9:21 PM
I agree with Patty. I was in the same situation and didn't even know. I thought she had requested a name change once they were divorced, but it turns out that they've been divorced for 3 years and she still HADN'T changed it. She finally did recently after another child support hearing. She wanted more money but the courts didn't approve it so she requested to go back to her maiden name. We've been married for 2. 

Name: rbazin7689 | Date: Jul 21st, 2007 3:31 AM
That's a toughie. First, she may have established her career under that name and wouldn't want to change it for that reason alone. Also, I know some women who want to keep their name so that they have the same last name as their children. It's tough picking your kid up from school with a different last name (from some friend's experience, it's humiliating as sometimes you even have to show additional proof to teh school that you are that kid's mom!) Plus, she probably put a lot of sweat and tears into that name and will probably not change it until (and if) she remarries. That issue is a completely personal decision to the person so please do have understanding if she chooses to keep it. She was his first wife and mother of two of his children and too, deserves the right to decide. Besides, you have his last name too but most importantly, you are the only woman who can call yourself his wife. You are the only woman who will grow old with him and you are the only woman who will be by his side everyday for the rest of your lives. 

Name: Catherine | Date: Jul 25th, 2007 5:40 PM
Don't count on it. My husband's ex wife never changed her license when they were married. I started sending her child support checks and after two years she claims she can no longer cash them because they don't have his last name on them. We fought about it and I finally changed the name. Now its not right because I didn't include her maiden name on them. She claims if we don't change to have her maiden name and his name she will change the child's name because its wierd having different last name. Although we have medical records with her admitting the child to the hospital under her maiden name. Its just to piss you off. Like I told my husband what is she going to do if she ever remarries tell her new husband she has to keep your name because it would be weird for her to have a name different than her child. I came to grips with it and it was just another attempt in her sad life to make us fight and cause problems. 

Name: Juanita | Date: Jul 26th, 2007 9:32 AM
You know it is really very diffucult if you do not have the same surname as your children. I have been married for 10 years, had one child. Since the divorce 3 years ago I have not changed my surname back to my maiden name. I met another guy and we have a little boy together. Now, this is what happened to me. My boy's daddy and I are still together but not married. So when I wanted to get my baby registered on his fathers name, the home affairs did not want me to because we had different surnames. So eventually after going from one home affairs office to another I finally got my baby registered. Now I have my daughter who has the same surname as me, but my son does not. So, if I change back to my maiden name none of my children will have the same name as me. And when I recently wanted to put my kids on a new medical aid, I had to get a signed affodavit and copies of birth certificates and everything to put my son on my medical aid because he did not have the same name as me.
My ex would never ever let me change my daughters name to my maiden name. So thats the problem we have to face. At least now with my married name I have one child with the same surname as me. You can't really force them to go back to the maiden names. I wanted to do that but there is just too much crap you have to go through doing that and then not even mentioning the crap you would still go through in future where the kids are concerned. 

Name: HA | Date: Jul 26th, 2007 2:30 PM
I understand all of that, but it sucks I mean she is the one that wanted the divorce I don't think she should keep the last name yes she has 2 kids but the main thing is she doen't like her maiden last name. But I know it's not up to me I just have to build a bridge and get over it. =) 

Name: bluenight | Date: Jul 27th, 2007 4:43 AM
don't sweat it she has the right to keep the name of her children
this use to bother me but it is the last of your worries entering a already made family has bigger challenges of its own I am a step parent and it is no joy ride and happy ever after it is work work work all the time 

Name: jammers80 | Date: Jul 27th, 2007 10:41 PM
wow, it is amazing some of the things i am reading, i am just entering a marriage in 3 months. this is what i have to look forward too. my fiancees ex wife is engaged and did not get engaged until we did. weird. i hope she changes her name or she might not for the kids sake. i don't care. HE IS ALL MINE. EVERY BIT! 

Name: Kara | Date: Aug 21st, 2007 12:21 AM
I don't think it is your business what her last name is. I'm sure there are lots of people with the same last name. Besides, she may want to keep it the same for the kids. 

Name: irish Amy | Date: Aug 22nd, 2007 12:25 AM
I posted my comment on '' my husbands narcisstic ex-wife'', it applies to here also. 

Name: irish Amy | Date: Aug 22nd, 2007 12:50 AM
I would just like to say though that if your husbands/fiancees whatever does have children with someone else then he wont ever ''be all yours'', because he has had another life before you and I dont know if some just cant handle that or maybe they are still too young to realise, I dont know, but think on, if/when you have your own children with him, and God forbid you broke up, would you like to think that somebody else has ALL of him, because if they did where does that leave your children in terms of having any of their father for them, so by saying that EVERY BIT of him is yours, where does that leave his kids???? or does that even matter???? maybe the kids should change their last name too????? 

Name: nicole | Date: Aug 24th, 2007 10:26 PM
In the sense of does anyone realize that if the ex wife keeps his last name how much debt she can and will continue to incur in his name if not both. she can still apply for joint credit cards, etc. its unfair that she can still be called MRS. even though they are divorced. that is something you may want to take in to thought! 

Name: cinner29 | Date: Aug 26th, 2007 10:54 AM
She has taken that name so really it is up to her to decide whether to go back to her maiden name. If her children have that last name then I think she would keep it too...after all it would be hard enough to have to explain the divorce to the kids, and then to have to explain why her name has changed and is not the same as theirs....that just seems wrong to me.......but there are some women that want to return to their maiden name. All I really know is that i am the second wife and it really makes no difference to me that his ex has the same name........once the divorce papers are signed it really means nothing! 

Name: jammers80 | Date: Aug 31st, 2007 12:56 AM
i agree with cinners completely and i also agree with irish amy on the every bit comment. you are right that is not right to say that about taking every bit. that was not meant to be said that way. i think the ex-wife can do what she wants with her name. especially for the kids sake. i would keep it the same unless i got married or something. 

Name: billy22 | Date: Sep 1st, 2007 1:31 AM
Like a lot of the others have said, I too think it is a huge deal to have to change your name. Unless she decides to get married again, I think it's just easier to keep it. I was the ex wife with the same name for a while, my fiance wanted me to change mine but when I made him realize the cost and effort that goes into a name change, he backed off. I'm sure she's not doing it to irritate you. It's just a plain hassel. 

Name: 2nd again | Date: Sep 3rd, 2007 5:38 PM
I don't know what "most" ex's do, but some keep their husband's name to have the same name as their kids and others change it back. Why do you want his name? What is wrong with yours? Women used to take their husband's name because they became their property - just like slaves took the last names of their owners. If you don't want to share the same last name with his ex, why don't you consider either keeping your own name or asking him to change his name to yours. I did not take my ex's name and my future husband is considering taking my name since I won't change mine. 

Name: minx | Date: Sep 14th, 2007 5:41 PM
I understand what you are going thru. Alot of times the ex will keep the last name because of the kids. In your divorce decree(in my state) the judge can grant you back your maiden name and some women go back to that. Now here is MY situation:
The ex wife married someone else, took his name. Meanwhile, my husband and I were married. They have 2 kids together, both in high school. The ex divorces her 2nd husband, instead of going back to her maiden name she takes back MY HUSBAND'S name! I was furious! My husband of course thinks its just fine, " She did it for the kids". The kids are almost adults and don't care what her name is. My husband is getting a big ego boost off of this and I am very hurt. I dont speak to her so I wont say anything to her but I think he should have told her that at this point she is not entitled to his name. My husband now has 2 wives the way I see it! PS. He says he doesnt talk to her but every month I check the cell phone bill and her numbers are on their with calls and text messages. Sometimes late at night. 

Name: rbtdow | Date: Sep 20th, 2007 1:18 PM
To avoid the same situation, I made my ex change back to her maiden name. I had that stipulation included in the settlement. She wanted to keep it because she knew it would bother me. She'll probably keep it because you have a problem with it. 

Name: cherisalorraine | Date: Sep 20th, 2007 11:23 PM

Name: cherisalorraine | Date: Sep 20th, 2007 11:24 PM
sorry wasnt yelling wasnt looking at the screen either 

Name: Mippie | Date: Oct 8th, 2007 2:57 AM
I to am in a simular situation: I am engaged and his ex_wife keep his last name. She told him that she was not going to change her last name till she gets married again, then she said that she did not want to b/c of there 3 kids. I think it is b-s because she will not have the same name as the kids when she gets married again as the kids, so why not change it now back to her maiden name. 

Name: autumn_leaves | Date: Oct 11th, 2007 3:56 PM
I would think her last name is the least of your worries going into a relationship where there is an ex-wife, believe me, you'll have your trials. Why worry about what her name is, it's not even relevant. I kept my name the same until I got remarried, no big deal, had nothing to do with who I was or my relationship to my ex husband, it's just a name. You can't make her change it, so just put it out of your mind and concentrate on your wedding!! Congrats 

Name: HA | Date: Oct 12th, 2007 1:04 PM
Thank you so much again for replying. This message board is owesome, when I talk to other friends they just don't understand or give bad advise cause they have not been through this type of relationship or have drove there own selfs crazy thinking about stuff like this. 

Name: kim | Date: Oct 23rd, 2007 3:43 AM
I so understand your frustration. My husband's ex wife is RE-MARRIED and still keeps our last name! It is very upsetting and people on this post who say it is OK don't have a clue. They are all ex wife's choosing to not change their names! My husband and her have a 10 year old son, she also has 2 kids from her 1st marriage and a new baby with her new husband. BUT still uses our name, her kids all have different last names then her excpet for my step son~ it is a joke and just a way to try to keep connected to my husband. My husband and I have 2 daughters together and it is frustrating that she uses our family name! 

Name: cherisalorraine | Date: Oct 25th, 2007 3:14 AM
kim - we are not all exes trying to keep our names i kept my maiden name while i was married and i will keep it now and if i ever remarry but a name is a name."a rose by any other name would smell as sweet" have you ever met any one with your last name just out and about ? do you get upset with them for having the same name? i understand that it can be frustrating to share it but why let it bother you ? i know that in my great state it is enough of a hassle to change it back that a lot of people never do.
HA i hope that you are enjoying the wedding plans 

Name: cinner29 | Date: Oct 25th, 2007 3:44 AM
Actually I am not the ex-wife.......and I have no problem with my husbands first wife keeping his name.........and yes I have a clue!! 

Name: daisy255 | Date: Oct 26th, 2007 6:50 PM
You shouldn't worry about that kind of stuff. She has her own reason why she hasn't changed. Its very common that ex wife kept their husband's name. Focus on your new husband. He married you. You won his heart. A past will always be a past.
Good luck. 

Name: Christine | Date: Nov 29th, 2007 6:34 AM
I kept my own name and my husband hyphenated his. Works for me 

Name: GabbyMom | Date: Nov 30th, 2007 3:02 AM
Most keep it for the fact it is a legal nightmare to change it. It also provides consistancy for the kids. Just pray she finds someone to sweep her away in the meantime and give them their name. 

Name: tbeck | Date: Aug 7th, 2008 8:13 PM
i have recently divorced and recently remarried and i kept my first husbands last name because of our two children. I want to have the same last name as my children and i do not plan on having any more. It is a hassle to change your name when you have children, a career that knows you by name, bills, morgages. Bottom line, if my ex remarrys and his new wife has a problem with it, then thats her problen, not mine. He chose to give me that name first and its my choice to keep it. And no, its not to stay close to him because i divorced him but solely for the children. LETS NOT FORGET THAT MOST MOTHERS DO WHATS BEST FOR OUR CHILDREN! And sometimes keeping the same name is a comfort for them in this time of confusion. Maybe when they turn 18 or my daughter marrys, then i will change it but until then, its the ex wifes right to keep the name, even if she remarrys. Its all about the kids..... 

Name: 2nd is best | Date: Aug 7th, 2008 11:57 PM
It's not the ex wifes "right" to keep the name! Thats where the problems in alot of the posts here stem from these days. The ex thinks she has a "right" to do anything she desires at any time, no matter who it hurts, even her own children!

But, agreeing with most here. If it makes the kids feel secure, stable, and comforted to have it. By all means keep it. It's only a name! I have been fortunate enough that my hubbys ex took some other poor fools name. hahahaahaaa 

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