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Name: kdk
[ Original Post ]
I have a 7 yr old and a 2 yr old. Both girls. So far, I have had a single discussion with my 7 yr old. I asked her if she knew what divorce was and she told me it was when a mom and a dad hated each other and they lived in diferent places. I asked her if she knew anyone in her class with divorced parents. She did, we talked about them a little bit. Then I told her she was only half right about divorce. I told her the mom and dad didn't hate each other, they just didn't want to be married anymore. I asked her if she liked any boys in her class, she said yes, I asked if she wanted to marry him, she said gross. I told her see, you can like someone and not want to be married. I also told her it was never the fault of the children and it was just between the mom and dad.

Any advice? Any links?
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Name: flamom | Date: Jan 1st, 2007 1:36 PM
kdk,
Not easy to tell the kids. "We" did that together three years ago. We told them in the summer time when they were out of school. Helped because there was some sadness and it was less stressful than during the school year. They were 5 & 8. Reaction was different from each child. 8yr old was open and would talk about it, 5yr old held a lot in. Now at 8 doing well but lashes out at mom sometimes after spending weekend with dad which I hear is common. Def. keep stating this is for the best, mom & dad will be friends but not live together, and you will "see your dad a lot". -Hopefully he's near by. Girls really need their dad's!! It's prooven in long term studies that girls succeed in life when dad's are involved. We just had the holiday's and still sad for me to "share" kids back and forth on Christmas etc. but that's the price that comes along with div. Good luck & Happy 07. 

Name: kdk | Date: Jan 1st, 2007 6:14 PM
Thank you. I hope that my 'ex' and I can work out what is best for the girls and keep it friendly. I want to be able to talk and guide the girls together as much as possible giving the situation. I agree they need him very much in their lives and have the very best intentions in keeping 'visitation' as informal and on demand as possible. We are planning to be close in location at this time. I hope that we can continue down the path we are trying to follow right now. 

Name: flamom | Date: Jan 1st, 2007 10:33 PM
Read your reply. Visited family now tree coming down. Glad you're going to work it out and keep dad involved. Hope, don't take this critical just a word of caution- I would actually get schedule, child support etc legal. Atty or Mediation. My ex is good dad, good job etc. but within a year got girlfriend (3 kids of her own) and he has tryed to alter the schedule. It's more complicated than I'm writing but it sure makes it easier when it's a agreement. ex: every other weekend, certain days during the week and how you'll share holiday's. Eventually you'll have personal life and not want to be begging for him to take them, and ex saying, "no that's not good for me tomorrow or this week." Just a thought. It's a transition but it can work. take care. 

Name: dragraught | Date: Jan 5th, 2007 9:04 PM
well i am only 14 and my parents are divorced
they told me together that they wanted to be apart.
i never thought they would do that. but i think i took it better when they both told me than if they would have told me seperatly. if they ask you what or why u just tell them the truth. dragraught. Ps hope this helps 

Name: kdk | Date: Jan 5th, 2007 10:11 PM
Flamom,
Thank you both. Yes I think a schedule will be a good idea but I am hoping that if he does want to pick them for no reason that we can keep it open for him to do that or if they just want to go for no reason to see dad that we can do that too.

Dragraught,
I really appreciate your post. A lot. Yes, I want to be honest with her as much as possible. Although she is only 7 she is a smart cookie. 

Name: ally murphy | Date: Jan 11th, 2007 4:44 PM
When i was 7 my parents got divorced.
It was hard but my father was abusive to me and my mum and sisters.
When my dad left i was at home and he told me not to tell mum he was going but i did i was only 7.
My dad walked out and him and my mum where screaming at each other.
Im so happy now.
But my dad was having an affair to.
My mum told my sisters by sitting them down and saying daddy and mummy dont love each other any more but we still love you.
Well i can tell you one thing i do not love my dad even a little bit i hate him so much.
It was the best thing that ever happened to me. 


Name: Serina S | Date: Jan 14th, 2007 10:42 PM
Info I found on the web
http://www.divorcesource.com/info
/children/telling.shtml

Children
& Divorce: Telling the Children:

Telling the Children You Are Getting Divorced


Telling the children that you are going to get divorced can be a very difficult obstacle to overcome, but it is something that must be done in order for the children to begin to accept this dramatic change in their life. Research shows that children reared in an environment where there is tension will be more traumatized than a child reared in a divorced home, tension free enviroment. If children see parents constantly abusing each other, whether it be verbally or physically, the child will ultimately suffer.

It is possible for children to thrive in a divorced home, provided they are under the right parental conditions. One of the first ways that a parent can help a child is by telling him or her about the divorce. Remember, children of all ages will be affected by their parent's divorce. Following are some tips on telling the children.

How to Tell the Children

No matter what the age, it is important that the parents tell the children what is going on.


If one parent has played the main parenting role, then it is more logical for that parent to break the news to the child, lessening the trauma.


It is very important that no blame be assigned to either parent for the separation, because this may indirectly give the child a reason to choose sides. It is unhealthy for the child to feel that there is a good and bad parent.


As a parent you must explain to the children that they are not to blame for the divorce. Initially almost all children feel that they are responsible. The parent must explain that the divorce is between the parents and not the children and parents. If this is explained correctly, the children will also realize that if they are not responsible for the divorce, then they cannot be responsible for their parents reconciling.


Don't tell the children that you are divorcing unless you and your spouse are absolutely certain that the decision is final.


It is important that you tell the children about the divorce when you can be together for a long period of time. A non-school day would probably be the most preferred time, because they are going to feel very alone and they will need someone there to feel a sense of safety and security.


After you have told them the news, you may, without going into great detail, want to give them some idea what they should expect in the future. A child may want to know about school and future living arrangements.


If they ask "why?" this usually means why is this happening to me. It does not mean why are you getting a divorce. The children initially really don't need to know why, so eliminate details.

Be sure to ask them if they have any questions. They may have questions, but will be reluctant to respond at that time. Remember, it is important to field questions again and again. 

Name: Serina S | Date: Jan 14th, 2007 10:45 PM
http://www.wikihow.com/Tell-Your-K
ids-You're-Getting-a-Divorce
This
is another great web. It is great to have aplan these ladies give super advise. 

Name: aszmom3 | Date: Jan 15th, 2007 12:52 PM
ok well 1 st thing u can,t compare 7 yr olds to a adult well this is what i did i have 3 kids 3,7,11 i sat on the floor at there level and i told them exactly what was going on and that yes we were getting a divorce from each other but not from them let them know that u will always love them it,s just u & dad r not in love with each other any more but that u both love them & will always love them , 

Name: lorina | Date: Oct 28th, 2007 5:11 PM
i think i can be good on a kids chat room for7-11 

Name: lola | Date: Oct 28th, 2007 5:13 PM
i think i should be able to be a sexy mum 

Name: xenia | Date: Feb 3rd, 2008 5:51 PM
i think it's a good thing you sat down and taik to you little girl 

Name: C | Date: Feb 4th, 2008 9:37 PM
The best advice is just don't get divorce. Also go seek professional help from your elder at the church but don't expect anything from the Internet other than some proposal for an affair so some insults. 

Name: never got over it! | Date: Apr 6th, 2008 6:26 PM
i love that approach i wish my mom could have at least told me! when i was in the 2 grade we just moved out!! i didnt know what was happening until i was in the 3rd grade! and i told everyone in my class because i think i wanted sympathy and until now even if i dont know you id tell you my biggest family secrets!! just be careful and dont say something bad about their dad in front of them it really hurts cuz there part of that man!! 

Name: dom | Date: Apr 9th, 2008 6:34 PM
my mum and dad are divorced and it is not nice but not the end of the worl omplicated but never mind 

Name: anomous | Date: Apr 29th, 2008 5:07 PM
I am a father and my wife and I seprated and she is pregnanat with my child she says that I can not be there for the childs birth since I am married to her and it is my child don't I have a right to see my son born? 

Name: mylife | Date: Jul 10th, 2008 4:21 PM
i am currently going through a divorce. i saw my parents fight for months. my mother left. she said it was only for a while. she was the one who told me about the divorce. we were out shooping for my boyfriends valentine's day present. we were sitting in the food court at the mall just having a good time. she asked me about how i felt wuth her gone. i said i got used to it. she then said plainly and without emotion im not coming home. she didn't even tell me in private so i couldn't cry. i admire the fact that you sat your daughter down and told her gently. i wish my mom would have done that 

Name: dark fire | Date: Sep 22nd, 2008 8:36 PM
hello 

Name: Anna | Date: Nov 19th, 2008 2:55 PM
I think that u did a great job telling ur 7 year old that. I would say maybe almost the same thing if I was in ur situation. 

Name: cassandra day | Date: Jan 14th, 2009 8:51 PM
i am only 10 and parents go a divorce last year. when ur parents do get one, it really doesnt hit u that much until it is over. my brother doesnt know when to stop!!! its driving me frekn nuts!! my birthday is coming up soon and i swear that if it has one flaw with my parents, i WILL run away. i will cry when i go to sleep.it just sucks. but here is some advice when u want to get a divorce: NEVER EVER EVER GET A DIVORCE DURING A HOLIDAY OR AROUND A B-DAY. 

Name: single dad | Date: May 8th, 2009 5:22 AM
My wife and I just got divorce. It is hard on our 6 kids. Ages 1 month old, 4 years old,6, years old 7 years old,8 years old,9 year old twins, I have full custody of them. the mom lost her rights. she was abusive. On top of that we have to move closer to my family. 

Name: jessica | Date: Jun 23rd, 2010 1:49 PM
hi 

Name: susan | Date: Jul 8th, 2010 7:12 AM
Hi
About one year my ex and i seperate from each other. My daughther that today she is 5 and half started almost 2-3 per niight misses her daddy and want him back home. She asked questions all the time with me and not with father. She sees her father once per during weekdays for 3 hours and every other weekend she spend with him for 2 nights. When she is her daddy - he made her very spoiled with buying present and not giving her rules. Some how she talked to me that i'm the one made desicion and I'm the one to let father goes. I asked my ex if she talked to him about our seperation or anyhthing else. he told me no
So please someone can tell me what I should do 

Name: WALTERA | Date: Jul 16th, 2010 7:53 PM
HI 

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