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Name: ltr
[ Original Post ]
First a little background:

We have been married for 6 years. My wife and I are currently expecting (August), we have a 6 yr boy together and we have custody of my 8 year daughter from a previous relationship. Last year we had a daughter who was born prematurely, and she past away 3 weeks after she was born.

For about the past 3 years, my feelings of not being married have grown and grown. I don't wish to search for another wife nor do I wish to "sow my wild oats". I am just not in love with her anymore. I still love her, and I wish no harm upon her, I just don't want to be married anymore. It's a combination of a lot of things that have brought on these feelings, and I believe it started from when we first met, and me not being myself.

I'm a pretty open guy who loves to make people laugh, but when I met her I tried to act all sophisticated and "super-mature". That wasn't me, and it still isn't me. When she became pregnant with our son, something in me said "I am in love, why not get married", but I can honestly say if she had never gotten pregnant we wouldn't be together right now. Some may ask , why did I marry her then? Well I really didn't know any better, I was 23 at the time and I thought that would be the right thing to do because I thought I was in love and I didn't want us to be another statistic.

Our relationship is full of arguments. She doesn't like my side of the family because a lot of them socially drink and some smoke, they are also a loud, energetic people, the opposite of her family. So my children don't see much of them even though we live 15min-1hour away. She says she doesn't care if my daughter goes, but she doesn't want my son over there. So to avoid conflict I never send them seperately. This is one of things we argue about constantly. She also expects way to much of our daughter, she constantly compares her to our son, and says that our son will never be as irresponsible and "slow" as her. I constantly fight with her about the things she says of that nature, and sometimes I believe my daughter hears those things. I am currently in the military, and I am currently deployed in W. Africa, so I am really wondering what she is saying now. She recently emailed me saying my daughter is a liar, which she does have a problem with this now. I told her to seek a counselor while I am gone, but she has yet to that, so I guess I will do it myself when I get back. These are just a few of the major issues.

I'm not perfect, some times I can be in a grumpy mood and I just want to spend time to myself. At this point, she will suspect that I'm having an affair, and accuse me of it for the rest of the day.

September of last year, about 2 weeks after I returned from a deployment, I told her I didn't want to be married anymore. It wasn't out of the blue that I told her this, it was after some very intense arguments. At first she got angry, and accused me of having another woman. Then she started crying very hard which made me feel really, really bad. Then she turned angry again yelling, screaming, throwing things...this went on for a few hours. She finally went to sleep in the bed, I slept on the futon in the office. The next morning, I was playing the XBox with my son, and she came in and told him that I don't want to be a family anymore, and that he was going with her, and my daughter was going with me. I asked her to please stop, but she kept repeating it in different ways until he started crying. This really pissed me off, and I told her it's things like that, that make me feel this way. To make a long story short, she went through the anger and crying thing again, and she became really depressed. So I felt really bad, and I made myself tell her we can work this out. I really didn't want to.

Things were good for about 2 weeks, and we were back in the argument stage again. Fighting about the things I mentioned earlier and some other things. Now that I'm away again, I have more time to think about things.

Even though each email she sends, she ends with I love you or I miss you, makes me feel extremely guilty. I know after I get home this cycle of stuff will start again. As I hold in tears of fustration and guilt, I have no idea of how to end this. I am very, very miserable now because of the guilt I feel about ending this marriage, and the fustration of still being in it. Yet, the thought of her with another man agonizes me also, but I have always felt that way with other women in my life, so I guess that is normal. I'm all screwed up.

I really need help. Please advise me on what to do.
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Name: Lizzi | Date: Mar 10th, 2007 7:09 PM
I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through! Sounds like you have your mind made up about wanting out and no longer being in love with her. I think the best thing you could do is proceed with a divorce. Yes it will probably turn ugly no doubt but staying with her when you don't really want to is just as equally bad. I think the sooner you divorce the more relieved you will feel and then be able to start making life better for you and the kids. In her heart and mind,she herself knows it's over. I think maybe she doesn't want to be married anymore either but yet is probably frightened of being alone. I mean yes you are away now due to your work and she is alone right now,but she KNOWS you will return to her and that's what she holds on to. And maybe she DOES love you but clearly you DON"T get along anymore when you're around each other and she knows this as well as you do. I think she is clinging to you so she won't be on her own alone even though she's miserable with you and you her. I think when you get back you should have a serious talk with her being as gentle and caring as possible and tell her that you're sorry but you can't stay married to her anymore. And then you need to start divorce proceedings. Try to avoid the ugliness of it all though by being as kind as you can about it and as fair as possible in the divorce,but on the other hand don't let her treat you unfairly in the divorce agreement either. Make SURE you get adequate visitation with the kids and you pay REASONABLE childsupport. As for material things,let her keep all of which you know you can really do without to keep as much peace as possible. I have a feeling this is going to be a bumpy ride so I hope it's really what you want and you're up to it because once you tell her this it's on,(so to speak). She will probably act irrationally at first so expect that. She will probably try to keep the kids from you even and demand everything you own and big bucks from you in the divorce! Be prepared for it. Have a plan in advance on where you can stay when you get back because I doubt it's going to be in the same house as her once you break the news to her. Make plans for someone to take the kids for the night the day you get back so you and your wife can be alone and you can discuss things in private.I hope you can handle this because something tells me it isn't going to be pretty. Keep me posted and let me know what's going on. I wish you ALOT of luck. Just try and be as kind and patient as you can with her and be ready for what's to come! Good luck! 

Name: babey_g_311 | Date: Mar 11th, 2007 12:00 AM
I think if you chose to marry her you should try harder to make it work....have you tried therapy at all? When my husband and I were dating we fought like that all the time....than we broke up for a month and got back together....the relationship got 110% better after that and we got married and now have a baby and things are great.....sometimes you just have to work at it....tell her she needs to work on her temper or whatever bothers you and give her time to work on herself 

Name: Lizzi | Date: Mar 11th, 2007 1:18 AM
babey you need to go back and re-read. He clearly states that they have bee married for 6 years in the first sentence even! 

Name: pattyl | Date: Mar 11th, 2007 11:31 PM
The first thing you need to do is get a vasectomy. Its going to break your bank paying CS for 3 kids. Also do you have someone that can take your daughter since I don't think this wife will want her. If you are in the military you will have to give someone PA over your daughter while you are out of the states. 

Name: babey_g_311 | Date: Mar 12th, 2007 8:21 AM
I realize they are married....i didn't say if you CHOOSE to marry her I said you CHOSE to marry her as in past tense....the reason I said "when my husband and I were dating" is because we dated for a long time before we got married and had our falling out while we were dating, we worked everything out and than got married......maybe YOU should re-read 

Name: kdk | Date: Mar 13th, 2007 10:22 PM
ltr,
I do feel for you. I have recently (last 6 months) taken the decision to ask my husband to move out because I just don't want to be married anymore. There are better ways to do things but no easy ways.
I agree with counselling. Maybe not with the direction to fix the marriage, but to deal with the situation. In some cases the counselling will help both sides realize that its time for a different direction and can turn into divorce counselling which can drastically help in keeping things friendly.
At least you can get your thoughts out so that you can think clearly enough to take some proper decisions. 


Name: Sad | Date: Jun 29th, 2009 9:10 PM
I have been married for about 3 years now. My husband seemed distance as soon as we got married. He blamed it on the lack of us being able to become intimate before marriage. We waited to have sex and live together until we were married. Anyway, he kept telling me it was new for him as it was for me and we needed to mesh and only time would cause this. It has been 3 years and he still feels the same way he felt when we first got married. To make matters worse, I recently found out I was pregnant. I don't know what to do. I want to leave while I am pregnant but I recently lost my job. I feel as if I have lost everything. I don't want to move in with family members because their living conditions are not positive environments. What do I do? Will it be wrong to move out of state with the baby in my womb? I just don't want to stay and risk a miscarriage due to the stress. Can someone help? 

Name: sad and confuse | Date: Jan 6th, 2010 8:45 AM
so me and my husband have been married for alomst 1 year but he says marrying me was a mistake. i dont unserstand. why would he all of the suddent out of no where he says that 

Name: Tanny | Date: Feb 17th, 2010 8:15 PM
I think shes being nasty to your daugter as she lost her own child. Grief and unrecognised grief causes alot of anger. My advise is to seperate, somehow you need to get the daughter out of that relationship before she hits her teens. The mother needs help that much is obvious and marriage is about compromise you are getting none. Do not think that this will sort itself out. Your son maybe ok but your daughter if she is hearing this stuff will be a deeply troubled child later if not already and may affect her in adult hood. She may even blame you for not getting her out of the situation. If the wife sees that you honestly fear for the child she may take a look at herself a bit later when the shock wears off. No one wants to be labelled a bad mother. There a re so many women out there who cant have children who could love your daughter. Give your child what she needs. Adults can look after themselves. Please concentrate on your child. 

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