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Name: Stephanie
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Name: Ms. F | Date: Jan 20th, 2008 12:12 AM
Stephanie, I think every marriage goes through a rut. You all need to find a way to spend more quality time together. Do something that both of you enjoy. Let him know how it makes you feel that he sleeps on the couch. You need to commmunicate more. He may think that you are happy and everything is fine if you do not say anything. 

Name: JCgc | Date: Jan 20th, 2008 5:30 PM
Hi,
If you have children I would suggest to try to work it out, life is not any easier out in the world on your own with children, and they would suffer the most. I am a single dad that just recently went through that and now I regret not doing more when I had the time. Again if you don't think it's possible then you have to do what you have to do. I wish you luck.

P,S. Most couples go through this, some make it, some don't.

JC 

Name: Paul | Date: Jan 21st, 2008 7:04 AM
I haven't been married for nearly as long, but feel similarly to you. we have a child, and have lots of things in common, but spend most of our time "at odds". I'm as stuck as you - but maybe you can take comfort in the fact that you're not alone. 

Name: Hope10 | Date: Jan 21st, 2008 6:52 PM
stephanie my ? to you is, there someone else who is catching your eye or should i say or is your eyes looking somewhere else becuz what i've learned is . when a women is not getting their attention from there husband then perhaps you are getting attention somewhere else. im not saying its bad, it just happens 

Name: Mary | Date: Jan 23rd, 2008 3:41 PM
Hope10, that is so true. Many of us women forsake our husbands because some guy on the out side is looking at us, tell we what we want to hear or giving is attention. At the end of the day, however, the grass is not greener as these guys just for the most part want one thing and one thing only. Women must learn to remain committed and stop the excuses and placing blame on men when they want to play out there. 

Name: Lost79 | Date: Jan 25th, 2008 3:18 AM
Tweetybird4 yr post was like reading a descriptio of my own life. I have been married 8 yrs. Was only 20 when I got married. He is a great father and everybody thinks he is such a great guy/husband, but he has a temper and has these strange outbursts every once in a awile that no one knows about. We have two young boys. I am completely miserable. I don't know what to do. I don't even know how to attempt to leave. He won't leave, that's for sure. He is insanely jealous and wants me to be with him all the time. 


Name: Mary | Date: Jan 25th, 2008 12:33 PM
Tweetybird, are U really that? I would like to ask U where do you expect your husband to go dear? If U all are married please work on the union frist before cheating. I hate it when we women blame men all of a sudden saying how bad they are only to advance our agenda. Stop bashing men and take responsibilty for your action because you know that you have some share of the blame, if not all. BTW, are U from....? Do U ....? 

Name: Jenn | Date: Jan 25th, 2008 11:41 PM
I have been contemplating divorce in my head and even outloud for the past 2 years. Although within the past 6 months, it's the only thought in my head. We've been married for almost 8 years and have 2 kids. He's so into himself which is so boring!!! He goes from the tv to the internet back to the tv back to the internet. Plus, my kids get NO ATTENTION from him either. He is verbally abusive to the point of shocking, back stabbing words that cut right through my soul and he even makes fun of our kids right to their face. A classic is (you're not my son, you can't be). If he would just be a better dad and a nicer husband who gives me and our kids more attention then I probably wouldn't have these feelings. He's also hit me before too. Not lately though. I just don't know what to do. I don't have a great career or any good skills since I had my son at 19 and was married at 20. I've never felt so helpless in my life. Any advice? 

Name: Mary | Date: Jan 26th, 2008 12:35 AM
My advice is seek help and stop blaming men and your husband for your cheating habits. Wake up. 

Name: Meg | Date: Jan 26th, 2008 1:39 AM
My husband of almost 3 years (been together for 9) told me 2 days after thanksgiving, he doesnt know if he wants to be married anymore. I thought we were trying to have kids, but I guess not, instead he wants to leave. I thought we had a great marriage until now. He wants me to just give him time to figure it out and tells me if 50/50 if it will work. Went to a counselor, but I felt she was pushing us to divorce. I think he is messing around with a co-worker, but he says they are just friends. How can I just be patient and wait and see? My heart is broken. I just wish he was honest with me about what is really going on. Affair or mid-life crisis? He is 30 and I am 28. 

Name: Mary | Date: Jan 26th, 2008 3:55 PM
Meg it works both ways - so U be honest with your husband too. 

Name: Meg | Date: Jan 26th, 2008 10:26 PM
Mary -
I have been honest, I put it all out on the table for him and he looked at me and was silent, then repeated the "I just don't know what I want line" When I tell him I honestly think he is cheating he gets angry and then is silent which just makes me think it is true even more. Help! 

Name: Mary | Date: Jan 26th, 2008 11:17 PM
Meg, that does not mean that he is cheating dear. Is it not possible that you have your eyes on someone else? I am not being hard on you but I know women - because I am one and we cheat like hell and then pass blames on our husband to justify our ill-will. 

Name: Mary | Date: Jan 26th, 2008 11:19 PM
Meg, I also understand how you feel. Betrayal and lack of honesty hurt. My view is that as long as one deals fairly and honestly with others, if others choose to be deceptive, the Almighty will reward them according to their deeds. Let's hope you find what you are looking for. Double-minded people are a danger to themself. Hope that you are not cheating is the main thing. Keep that thing for the one U marry dear. 

Name: Meg | Date: Jan 27th, 2008 3:57 PM
Mary-
I find it odd that I post my feelings about my husband and not just you, but others think right away that I am cheating in some way too....I have not nor have I ever been tempted. I was blind sighted by this. Like I said I was trying to have a family with this man and this all came about. I resent the fact that I turn to this site for some comfort and advice and all I got were people thinking I was cheating too. I am not absolving myself of blame b/c I know that something in my behavior or personality must have changed, I am just looking for my husband to give me some honest feelings about the situtation. And was looking for some insight to what might be happening from people who may have been thru this. 

Name: Mary | Date: Jan 27th, 2008 7:36 PM
Meg the truth often hurts - isn't it? If you really wish to make your marriage work then seek God - go to church, pray and get professional help. Sadly, we can not help on this site. In fact for the most part, many of us can only lead U more into destroying your union. Think about it. 

Name: Meg- | Date: Jan 28th, 2008 2:01 PM
Mary-
I do go to church, every week and do pray daily. I believe that marriage is forever and it needs to be worked out. I guess I came to the wrong site for some advice on making it work and how to get through it. I guess I am alone in this from what you say.... 

Name: Mary | Date: Jan 28th, 2008 9:30 PM
Meg, you are not alone in this and as U said U came here for advice - so why get offended when you get it? I've been down that road and know what you are talking about but the fact is I also know, that I was at fault because I cheated and was in love with high school sweetheart and did not let go off it even when I got married. For the most part., that was the root cause for our marriage coming apart because I was looking esle where and not paying attention to a guy who truly loved me - my husband and now its too late. The bottom line is, divorce is not the answer dear as in God's site we would prefer we work things out. Therefore if U are cheating ( and I am niot saying you are) then U need to stop or put an end to that relationship frist before working on yours with your husband. I've been there - I know. The guy I allowed to break up my marriage is a bigger player and I regret leaving my husband and not paying attention to him. Do U want to be in that boat too? 

Name: Mary | Date: Feb 5th, 2008 10:18 PM
I am completely in the same boat! My husband was one of my best friends after my divorce. He has always been very supportive and a great friend and after a year of our friendship, we just thought, "why aren't we dating?" So, we started dating and it was really great; however, I never really had the sexual attraction (you know...the kind that when you first meet someone, the sparks just fly and you can't get enough of each other?). I always looked at him as a friend and now we're married for four years and just bought a house and I've come to realize that while I love him dearly, I'm lacking this sexual attraction for him (it's not his fault)....I've recently realized that it was just never there in the first place and I just thought that maybe, in time, it would just sort of morph into a sexual attraction but it hasn't. I was always attracted to him as a person and respected his morals and values, he's a decent guy and a good provider and has always treated me with nothing but respect. So, why do I feel the need to be alone? For the past 3 1/2 to 4 years, I've had issues with sex (and I've had this issue before but it was with my ex-husband who cheated on me) so I always thought it was me; but I'm starting to think that it was because it was never there in the first place. So, now I feel that I am cheating him and myself out of a really great sexual relationship that we deserve. We do a lot separately and I'm the type of person who likes her space and he gives it to me, reluctantly, I believe in fear that I might just take it. Don't get me wrong....we do things together as well, but I'm not exactly excited about spending one on one time with him anymore since I've had this epiphany. I've been dealing with these questions for about 6 months now and thought that I could get over it but it's just getting worse and with just buying this house, it makes it all that much harder. We don't have any children together so that's not a problem; however, I do have a child from my previous marriage that has been a source of constant conflict with regard to parenting styles. I'm not opposed to someone disciplining my child as long as they also show equal amounts of love and affection; which, in my opinion, he does not. He doesn't just take the lead and spend time with her and that bothers me. And anytime I try to handle a situation with my child, he steps in and takes over and I feel that it undermines my authority with her. I've expressed this to him but he doesn't agree. I just feel that we owe it to ourselves the chance to be truly happy but I think that he's perfectly okay with how things are going.....or maybe he's not....maybe he senses that I'm not happy but he just doesn't want it to be said outloud. He's always very affectionate and I'm not, he's always the initiator for sex and I'm not, he always asks me if I love him and I do (honestly, I do) but I just don't feel what I think I should feel for someone that I'm married to. I left my previous marriage because he cheated on me and I don't want this to get to that point, where I'm seeking out someone else for what I feel that I'm lacking. I don't want to hurt him and ultimately, I would like to remain friends since we started out that way but I fear that won't happen. The house is also a barrier to my talking to him. We haven't even been there a year! I am the type of person who's completely okay with being alone. There's no one else that I want to be with.....except my daughter. I feel horrible about how I feel and don't know how to approach it with him. It's just going to hurt him and I never thought it would come to this. I thought that being "friends first" was the way to go, because let's face it, sex fades over the years but a true friendship would always be a constant and now I feel that the friendship is fading as well, at least on my end. He's been getting jealous if other guys pay attention to me; which isn't my fault. He seems jealous of my time with my daughter, which I told him in the beginning would never change. She is THE MOST important thing in my life and anyone I dated or married would have to accpept that and he seemed to be okay with that at the time. I just feel that I'm wasting both of our precious time with this relationship. He deserves to be happy, he's a great guy, he doesn't deserve what I'm sure he's going through as well. All I know is that life is just too short to waste it. I'm so depressed about it all.......Please help! 

Name: me | Date: Feb 9th, 2008 12:12 AM
I don't want to either 

Name: pointdexter | Date: Feb 26th, 2008 6:29 AM
I don't want to be married anymore. I have been married for 8 months and we are both in school. She is always making excuses not to have sex. Saying that she isn't confortabal with her body or saying she is tired. She is bossy and I really am falling out of lve every single day of my life. 

Name: mike | Date: Mar 16th, 2008 4:38 PM
if you do not want to be amrried, then get out of this marriage 

Name: robbrina | Date: Mar 29th, 2008 6:27 PM
I understand what you are going through. I feel like I am going through the same situation right now, although my circumstances are a little different. I WAS married & are in the middle of a divorce. My ex was very abusive, but we have been separted for almost 2 years. When I first broke away from my ex, I met a man that I am now deeply in love with and became engaged with him. We even had a child together who is now 9 months old. My divorce has been a long waiting, but the plan was for us to be remarried as soon as the divorce was finalized.
I still plan on marrying this man and love him dearly. He does not lie, cheat, or abuse me in any way. However, I feel like I do not get the attention or the affection that I desire from him anymore. I have told him about the way I feel repeatedly, and in conclusion, he will be closer to me for a day or so, and then things go back to normal again. We rarely have sex more then once or twice a month. But, I love him & I know he loves me, so I am going to stick by him and try to work through this. With your situation you have to weight it out. Do you love him, does he love you? If nothing changes with his actions and things remain as is, is this still the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? Do want to fix the marriage more or step out of it more? Only you can look inside you and make the ultimate decision. You aren't a bad person for not being attracted to him neither. You have been with him along time and you and your views probably have changed alot in that time. Marriage is hard, but you only have to live with him everyday. Look in your heart, and decide, and see if you can picture your life without him. I wish you the best. 

Name: ie | Date: May 4th, 2008 3:33 PM
wow!! i jus cant believe how much i can relate to so many of you who have commented here. i am soooo in the same boat as many of you. ive been married for going on 14 yrs now and have felt that i have so lost who was b4 i got married. i was always an outgoing easygoing kind of person who was just always happy. ever since being married and 6 kids later i am now the most insecure, angry and jus always depressed kind of a person now. my husband has hurt me in all kinds of ways for eg, for about 8 yrs of our marriage hes thought it in my best interest to be truthful in a sense of telling me how he feels towards other women including my own in-laws, cousins and neices. hes also jus been the biggest liar when ive found porn round the house, sites he has visited on the computer. he tends to believe because he works he doesnt have to help with bringing up 6 kids. oh well i can go on and on but my point is i am not happy and jus cant remember the last time i ever was. our sex life absolutely sux, hes always jus falling asleep either in the lounge room or on the floor in my kids rooms or on the computer. i jus dont what to make of such a life that he gives. i have brought to his attention many times how unhappy i am and all he has to give in regards to that is that he is sick of hearing all the rubbish i speak. it makes me feel like absolutely crap cause all i speak to him is in regards to how i feel and have felt for majority time of our marriage. i have told him on many occasions that i if he isnt willing to help make an effort to make our marriage and family work that its best that we end it and jus move on with our lives cause i believe everyone deserves to be happy. like some of you he begs his way out of it and brings up the kids and how they are going to be affected but yet the following day will jus be the same as every other crap day or he will make an effort for the most of a week then jus bak to the same old. i jus think who is he to bring up how it is going to affect the kids when he doesnt put any effort into the kids in the first place. my oldest child has started high school and often states to me that we should jus leave him cause all he ever states is jus lies. now i am thinking what is it exactly that i am suppose to do. i feel absolutely drained in all aspects and jus want peace, happiness and relief from such a life. but the thoughts of marriage is suppose to be for better or worse are always weighing me down. although in my life it feels like most of what i have lived is jus the worse side of it all. he tells me all the time that he loves me but thats about it in respects of love, he believes that because he works and states he loves me everyday that i should be grateful cause there are many women out there that dont get that. he rekons i am a nagging wife cause i am always consulting him for solutions to our marriage. all he does is go to work every day, gets home in the afternoon either sits on the computer or watches movie after movie, then has his dinner bak to movies or comp and then sleeps and thats what life is everyday. we barely talk apart from when i am begging him for change and whenever i do everything jus gets out of hand. any suggestions as to where i should go from here. he totally refuses to leave and says he believed marriage to be forever. well guess what so did i but it shouldnt have to be in the way that it is. what do u guys think 

Name: TJ | Date: May 7th, 2008 12:35 AM
Everyone needs to be happy. I guess we have to be honest and realize when we are not. I to have a similar problem, and I don't know how to handle it. 

Name: SAL | Date: May 8th, 2008 12:02 PM
I have been married for nearly 10 years. We don't have children (by choice) and I don't know if I want to be married anymore. He is a great person. He has never broken any of our vows and neither have I. He doesn't drink, smoke,do drugs, etc...however, I have been financially responsible for us for sevenn out of 10 years and I feel overwhelmed. I put him through college (and myself) have given up my career to physically move to get him into his school of choice and now after all of these sacrifices, he tells me that he wants to go back to school for four years for a medical degree (and that I need to work to put him through school because that is what marriage is all about...sacrifice).

I wouldn't have a problem with this, if he ever had once sacrificed for me, but I just don't think he has. I've always been independant and had my own money, apt., car and all. He says that someday he will take care of me, but I really don't believe it. I feel like a parent, not a spouse....something I don't want to be.

I'm extraordinarily communicative and have expressed these issues and feelings and for about two days after a "big talk" he's great...then he goes back to his selfish ways.

Any advice? 

Name: jenn | Date: May 8th, 2008 6:42 PM
oh my god i so hear what your saying. i have been married for 12 years kinda the same things your saying, for the past 7 years i have struggled with myself do i stay or go! i,m not attracted to mine either, he is a really good looking man, but when you know someone so well, he's just not so good looking anymore, he is so judgemental -always worried about what i am wearing for clothes to my hair. and now that he lost his job its only getting worse! know he is so far up my ass i just want to cry.anyway i know what you mean by forcing yourself to love someone that your not sure if your the bad one. i wish i had an answer for you i just wanted you to know your not alone!!! if you want to chat some more here is my e-mail [email protected] p.s i dont belong to any chat rooms i just hit the wrong key by accident 

Name: Me Me | Date: May 10th, 2008 12:39 PM
You have reason not to want to be married- you're not crazy 

Name: jtats6302AOL.COM | Date: May 28th, 2008 11:58 PM
I DONT KNOW WHAT I DID 

Name: sameboat | Date: Jun 1st, 2008 6:25 PM
I really am not sure where to go or how to advise...I have been going to therapy, reading books, talking to friends, taking guitar lessons, focusing on the kids, exercising, making plans, volunteering, none if it is taking my mind off the issues. But I look around and see divorced women and men, and I'm not sure there are too many better alternatives...is this just what life is like and you're supposed to deal because you vowed? my mind asks these questions all of the time...I'm not sure where to go with it, but I have to say that reading all of these inputs, makes me feel so much better. I think I'm crazy (that's what my husband says) and at least I know I'm not alone. Stephanie's first question was in '06, do we know what happened with her? 

Name: Kathy | Date: Jun 16th, 2008 3:17 AM
Stephanie,
I understand where you are coming from. However, I am much older than you and have been married over 20 years. My husband and I have successfully raised a family, but now we have nothing in common. I was a stay at home mom for many years. Now I am trying to reenter the workforce.

I am currently seeing a marriage counselor, alone, to work on my issues first before bringing my husband in. He doesn't see anything wrong with our relationship. Sometimes men view things differently.
Since most women are emotion driven, we take things personally, where as men are more analytical. Do you know anything about your husband's childhood? Was there affection between his parents? Did he receive any affection from his parents? These are issues we all bring into relationships that must be acknowledged.

I am in no position to tell you to leave your husband. And, no, you are not a bad person. We ALL feel the need to be loved and cherished. What you are desiring is what everyone needs. It is part of being human.

My husband and I have very little in common, too. He plays golf and loves football games. I hate golf and only go to football games to appease him. I would much rather be working with horses, which he detests.

If I had my life to do over, I would have done things differently. I married straight out of college and never lived on my own. I went from my father's house to a house with a husband. Not living on my own is my biggest regret. I would NEVER advise anyone to marry right out of school. Everyone needs the time to discover who they are and what they want before taking on the responsibility of a spouse. Once you have invested over 20 years in a relationship like I have, it is hard to walk away. My life is about 1/2 over. It is difficult for me to change things now. Loving and being loved is not something you have to struggle to achieve. It is a mutual commitment and will take both of you; if you are willing to continue. Don't quit until you have tried everything. Do you attend a church? My faith has been the one factor that has helped me keep it together. Life is hard, but God is good. We are all looking for acceptance for who we are.

Keep looking within yourself, you will find your answer.

Hey, at least your husband tells you he loves you. We just celebrated our anniversary and my husband never said he loved me. How's that for an anniversary celebration. 

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