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Name: hylander
[ Original Post ]
Hi all,

Im pretty new, ive posted before but here goes an updated version and would really appreciate your thoughts.

Background:

Im married two and a half years and we dont have kids yet. We've had serious problems with family etc throughout our courtship.

We fought continously for 8 months b4 we got married. Two months b4 the wedding i wanted to call things off..but she convinced me to stay. I said to myself then, we've been through so much, lets try to make things work.

Sadly this void inside me has grown. I am emotionally and physically distant from her. I KNOW i made a mistake marrying her. The only thing that keeps me here is GUILT. I feel guilty for having not been honest with her and everyone about my real feelings. I feel like I damaged her life!

I basically took and took and took from everyone for so long...i cant or dont love her....even before we got married.

Ive been for counselling, but the more i talk about my life and how I feel, the more i realise its over...and was never there to begin with. Then we've both been for counselling, but thats made no difference to me.

Neither she, nor my family nor her family believes me. They think i might have someone else, or something along those lines. All i want right now is to be alone!

I care about her...and dont want to cause her pain. But i cant live like this anymore. I dont want to rush things, but my wife and i are now strangers now...we live in a house and im sad when im home....

Advise would be so appreciated!
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Name: tb4 | Date: Mar 27th, 2007 4:22 PM
Hi hylander----Sorry to hear about your feelings but it sounds like you do have some things figured out.....it's just the matter of taking the step to move on with your life. Unfortunately, you've felt this pain before you married her and now it's trickled over into your marriage. Honestly, either way on what you do....someone is going to get hurt. You, her, family....it doesn't matter, all will feel hurt. What you have to ask yourself is are you doing what's best for everyone or for you? You have to make yourself feel happy instead of trying so hard in making everyone else happy. All it does is create more misery for yourself and more tension between you and your wife if you continue with the relationship you know in your heart that isn't right. Perhaps she will move on with her life and find someone that will give her the relationship she's looking and you may do the same, too. It obvious that the two of you weren't on the same page of becoming one unit together and that's extemely hard to handle. You will always feel the aching pain inside until something changes. Even though others may try to convince you that your relationship is the best but they are not the ones standing in your shoes. Both partners have to commit to each other 120%. Sometimes one partner has to commit more than the other and visa versa but this doesn't always happen. Sometimes family try to control relationships which really makes it harder for the two of you to work things out on your own. Have you sat your wife down to explain your true feelings to her? I'm sure you did and she just doesn't want to hear that kind of talk! Your not doing yourself or anyone else any favors by continuing to put up a front that your okay deep down inside. In the long run, it does no one any good. The hard part is taking the major step to move on with your life without her. You will experience alot of emotional feelings but keep in mind your trying to find yourself all over again. If you do decide to divorce or separate, she may try very hard to convince you to work things out. You have to remember....sometimes two people, who thought getting married was the right choice at that time but it doesn't always work out they way they planned. Even though it's not an issue of you wanting to spend your time with someone else....it's a matter of just being yourself. You have to look back and evaluation your relationship with your wife. Ask yourself what attracted you to her in the first place? Was it her looks, were you madly in love, her qualities or was it just because? You've stated you've fought before your marriage and tried to call it off but you felt so guilty and tried to make things work.

I, too, was once in the same boat as you. I can tell ya, after 3 kids and 12 years of marriage....we just drifted further apart from each other among other issues. The guilt I experienced before I married him, during the marriage and after I filed for divorce was more overbearing than one could imagine. I didn't like the person that I had become......for him and everyone else. That's when I realized it was time to make a change for the betterment of ME. At first I felt completely selfish and always questioned my motives but I was slowly dying inside. Overtime, those guilty feels will subside and when they do, you start to feel so much better inside. It's not going to be easy and you will probably experience ridicule from the loved ones around you but you have to convince yourself that their opinions is beyond the point to matter. They can either stand besides you while you try to do what makes you happy or they can turn their backs on you. Either way, it's not their life nor are they feeling your pain. You wife may become angry with you, say or do things to you but you know in your heart it's for the best. You have to remember that people do fall out of love with each other or maybe the feelings are only one sided and there are times you just can't get those feelings back. Fixing yourself is what's really important because it could create more stress upon you than you ever care to handle. The stress of your relationship can affect your health, too. I guess, I look at a relationship as something similiar to a job. If your unhappy and miserable while at your job.....your performance isn't going to be your best meaning not only the physical but the mental part, too. Therefore, you have to find a new job or move onto something else that truly makes you feel good about yourself. I'm not talking about another relationship but a change that can make you feel satisified inside. You mentioned being alone.....that maybe the best thing for you right now. I always thought that divorce is an easy solution but depending on the circumstances....it could be the only solution to make.

I don't know if my advice has helped you in any way. No matter what you decide to do....it's not going to be easy. When I first got married, I had the notion....overtime, I could change my partner so we could work together as one unit. I was completely wrong. Both partners have to be willing to do whatever it takes if they truly love one another. That makes for the rockier times much easier to overcome. Yet, if your feelings are not there...it makes it difficult to exert the effort. If you are unable to be honest with everyone else at least you should try being honest with yourself. I know for me, it was a long road to tow but it's been the best choice I've ever made. Plus, I'm sure you know that if you do happen to meet someone else in your future, you may not experience the same feelings your having now but you will certainly have the option of finding out if the relationship is absolutely right in your heart. I wish the best for you and certainly hope things will get better. 

Name: hylander | Date: Mar 28th, 2007 5:35 AM
Hi tb4

I truely and deep appreciate your thoughts!

You've just confirmed what Ive been thinking all along..Thank you!

In my heart of hearts...and if im true to myself, i should have ended it before it began!

I suppose you are right..the guilt will fade, but if i dont move on...and if i dont fix ME....im going to be living my life for someone else!

I have told my wife how I feel, and the family but no-one can understand it, cos i kept it a secret for so long!

I so very agree wat you say about wat you went through.....

Im not the husband I could and should be. I HATE what ive become! I dont know who i am anymore! And I do feel like im being selfish... i say...."How can I throw it all away?" but then i revise in my mind...the reality of the situation and how ive been feeling for so very long and i realise... im not being fair to her and im not being fair to me!

I have sat her down...ive told her how I feel....absolutely honestly..but she loves me...and has so much hope! Some of the things were very hurtful, but honest...I feel so conflicted right now!

But in the end...i know wat i need to do........ :(

Ive learned this much

"If you dont surface what lies beneath, It will destroy you" - Hylander 2007 

Name: pattyl | Date: Mar 28th, 2007 10:02 AM
Since you feel the way that you do its important to bail out of this before the children come. A lot of women feel that a baby will fix a broken marriage and get pregant on purpose. You have a choice; stay on there and hate yourself more and more everyday because you didn't stand up to these people or leave and feel guilty for a while and then you will get over it. Probably the big issue is that you are getting to the point that you don't respect your self because you always give in regardless of how you feel. 

Name: hylander | Date: Mar 28th, 2007 10:41 AM
Patty, I think you have a very good point! Thank you.

The big reason i want closure is because i dont want kids, i know that that would be the end of my life as i know it right now.

i suppose its time to move on! I just need to be strong! Thanks! 

Name: tb4 | Date: Mar 28th, 2007 11:58 PM
Hello hylander----Just a note, when you tell your spouse exactly how you feel, they always tell you they love you and perhaps they do but they really aren't listening to what your saying. They avoid the fact that there are problems and just (hope) the problems will go away. It doesn't just go away.

You wife may not understand what you have been feeling for along time but she has to know that your not yourself. She has to know that thing haven't been right between you two for sometime. It's just getting her to understand it all that's the problem and there again, she may never understand it. Yet, you do, you feel it. It's hard to be strong when you've lived for everyone else for so long.

Nothing you have done means that you were a terrible husband cause I'm sure you've done everything you thought you were supposed to or tried to do. You say she has hope but your beyond the hope. She's not hearing what your saying. I'll tell it's hard to be strong but is it to be strong for you or for her? Dealing with her reaction won't be easy but you will feel like a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders. It's just a matter of what you decide to do.

I wish you well and I hope you will find happiness soon. That saying you quoted is so true. 

Name: hylander | Date: Mar 29th, 2007 7:40 AM
Hello again tb4,

Thanks for the support and advice! What you say makes so much of sense to me because thats exactly my situation!

I've create such an awesome illusion, that my wife is in TOTAL denial!

Last night i told her i need a separation for 2 to 3 months, and she freaked out! She ran the whole guilt trip on me again! She got out a pen and page and wanted me to write down all the positives of this marriage, after much diliberation, i got her to write down what she thought was positive, she listed about 21 things, in my heart, there were only about 4 or 5 things..the were real, the rest were illusions i created!

Shes not listening! i know....

"done everything you thought you were supposed to or tried to do"

Thats exactly it isnt it? Because ive tired to do everything that any decent husband would do, she mistakes this for love, and that everything is well! she just doesnt get it, that i was trying but it just wasnt there! The times when i was trying the hardest, were the times she was the happiest, but for me it was still hollow!

The one person that i should have cared for, and protected and defended and be true to, I DIDNT! And that was ME! IF i took care of me, then things would be so different!

Its so so hard cos she doesnt get it, and she makes me feel like im a monster! Im a good person with a BIG heart! she knows that and uses that against ME! 


Name: pattyl | Date: Mar 29th, 2007 10:03 AM
"Two months b4 the wedding i wanted to call things off..but she convinced me to stay. I said to myself then, we've been through so much, lets try to make things work. "

I’m sure she thinks that it worked before and it will work again. You are the only person that can decide that.

If you intend to leave the first thing that you need to do is open up a checking account in your name only. If you have any joint credit cards cancel them immediately.

A young guy that I know has gone through the same thing. When he told her he wanted to separate she started trying to make a baby at the same time she put him into debt 150,000 on the credit cards. She knew he could not afford to live somewhere else and pay off 75,000 in debt, which he was responsible for. After that both of them had affairs and he is now living in the garage of their home because he cannot afford to leave. Just so you know, I have seen this happen time and time again. One person is done with the marriage, but the other person goes into their fix it mode because they cannot believe that it is over.
If you intend to leave start making arrangements for your departure. Get an apartment or somewhere to live so that you will have a place to go. If you are waiting for her permission just settle in because it will never happen. Its going to be very difficult to stay on there after telling her all this. Usually its best to say what you have to say and walk out the door unless you are actually trying to fix the marriage.

“Im a good person with a BIG heart! she knows that and uses that against ME! “

Because you are a good person with a big heart you aren’t saying the magic words that will stop any marriage in its tracks.

“I don’t love you anymore. Actually I did not love you the day that we got married I just went along with what you wanted.” For the first time in my life I am thinking about me and my happiness.” 

Name: pattyl | Date: Mar 29th, 2007 12:15 PM
The realities of divorce are very painful for both parties involved. Even if you don’t love the person, “if you have a big heart” it will be very painful for you.
But there are some things you need to know.
After she gets beyond her fix it mode and realizes that you are serious and that you aren’t going to give in she will be a different person.
a. There is no such thing as a friendly divorce. If you are going to be so friendly you might as well stay together.
b. She is going to be very angry and probably turn on the mean mode to torture you.
c. She herself will make it easier for you to do what you want to do because you will see the other side of her. The side that you have not seen yet because you gave in the other time.
d. It will take a very strong person to do this so you might as well put your armor on and get prepared for war. Once she sees that you are leaving she won’t be so nice anymore. 

Name: hylander | Date: Mar 29th, 2007 7:53 PM
Patty thank you for the advice!

This is what ive decided....

We are going to separate for 2 to 3 months. Im certainly going to live as if we are divorced, ie go out whenever I want and with whom i want! Im getting an apartment sorted and am moving out of the house after easter!

Im going to have fun and do wat ever i think will make me happy!

In between i will see a psychologist....just to be sure that ive looked at everthing from every possible angle...

And thereafter, i'll live forward not backward!

Im concerned about the money though...could she do such a thing? scary! 

Name: tb4 | Date: Mar 29th, 2007 8:30 PM
Hi hylander----I'm sorry she's not listening to you loud and clear. Yep, your right, she's going to label you as the monster. She's quite content with the way things are despite how you feel. Of course, she's going to be furious and emotional with you for telling her you want out. She's happy! She thought everything was perfect between you two. Yes, she's going to make you feel like a monster because it's, "How could you do this to me!" When the other spouse doesn't agree, they'll say "It's all about me" when it's about the both of you unable to work together. Unfortunately, you have to stand your ground if you truly want to move on. She's not going to understand what your saying until things actually start happening. Then, she will probably say that you've ruined her life and everything that went wrong is all your fault. Don't believe what she says. It's not just all your fault. It takes two to tango. I'm sure there are some things that she could of done that would of made you feel better about yourself, too. Based on what you've said, she acts like she's the one in control, calling all the shots, trying to tell you what to do but having a kind big heart.....you go along with everything to avoid conflicts. It's not working together if one person always has to give into to what the other person demands.

I am very sorry your going through alot. It's going to be difficult for awhile. If and when you do decide to leave....you have to be very strong. She will try to work at you in anyway she can to convince you to stay. No matter how honest you try to be.....you will always be the monsters.

Even though you are a good hearted person, it doesn't mean that you are perfect. The times when you tried your hardest only shows that you were trying to make HER happy, not you. At least, you can say that you did try but your feelings still didn't change. Yet, how could they if they really weren't there. She has taken your efforts for granted because she felt you were doing exactly what she wanted. It's love because you care for her, not love because your in love with her. If that makes any sense.....sorry, hard to explain but I hope you know what I mean. When you start to feel like your doing things as a routine or feel like your just a physical body going through the motions......then, you know there's nothing more you can do....it's time move on. I, too, expeienced the same things. The tensions will be high and tough to handle but if you are determined.....you will get through it. Hang in there, alot of emotions will be surfacing between both of you but if this what you truly want.....you can get through it. Keep me posted and I wish you the best. 

Name: tb4 | Date: Mar 29th, 2007 8:32 PM
Correction----Even though your a good hearted person doesn't mean that you are prefect, even though she thinks you are. Your human with feelings which she's failed to pay attention too. 

Name: pattyl | Date: Mar 29th, 2007 8:51 PM
"Im concerned about the money though...could she do such a thing? scary!"
You should be concerned. A woman can destroy a man financially if he allows her too. If you were getting advice from an attorney they would tell you the same thing. I am giving it to you free so fix the problem now before its too late. 

Name: hylander | Date: Mar 29th, 2007 8:58 PM
tb4

you really have helped me clarify my thoughts! thank u!

I have been trying to make her happy.

You said it exactly...its love because i care for her, not because im in love with her!

I do feel that ive just been going through the motions!

Ive determined that it is time to move on. Im doing the separation thing and the psychologist thing to make doubly sure that when i do walk away, im a free man! no regrets...no hurts...no pain! I walk away with ME intact!

I feel so much better now! i know wat i must do..and im going to do it! I feel stronger!

Pattyl

i will sort things out tomorrow! no chances! 

Name: hylander | Date: Apr 2nd, 2007 5:41 AM
Hey tb4,

I am truely sorry to hear about your son. But the truth always has a way off popping its head up and one day he will wake and realize he needs his mom. Just keep hope alive!

Update:

Well i went for therapy late last week, and well, the psychologist worked me through the guilt and my feelings and it was liberating!

Something i learned, and you may find this interesting, especially for what youve done for your son. Everything we do for people and receive is a gift. It should be given with a clean heart and we should not ask for anything in return! There is no debt to pay! God gave us and asks us for nothing in return, and we should give others and ask nothing in return!

Im going to live by the following philosophies:

1) Always be true to yourself
2) Do what makes you happy

If i did that from the start i would have been happy!

I refuse to "EXIST" i want to live!

My wife and i have reached a mutual agreement. In our 3 months away, one of two things can happen....

1) Either one of us decides its over and then we'll get a divorce
2) We BOTH decide to go on, then we start again

Either way, there is no looking back! We'll move forward!

I certainly feel a whole lot better about this!

Im am looking forward to living life! At the end of the day

We're just flowers quickly fading, Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean, a vapour in the wind....

I dont want to live for someone elses happiness, i want to live for mine! I want to take back my life and live the life that I want!

Thank you for your support! 

Name: hylander | Date: Apr 30th, 2007 7:50 AM
UPDATE

Hi All,

My wife and i have been separated for a month now. Ive been going for therapy every week and Im feeling really good about things.

Ive had to work past the issues of guilt, and anger, being alone without a companion and it was certainly difficult at first. Especially the silence playing so loudly when i went home.

But ive moved on, and im getting used to doing things for myself, by myself. I bought a guitar and im learning to play...i do what i want to do when i want to do it...

Ive almost been set free and feeling liberated.

Everyone still sees me as being the bad person in all of this... it so frustrates me at times, but as i always say...let them think watever makes them sleep at night....

ive communicated to everyone that we are heading for a divorce and now its just a matter taking the next two months to realy come to grips with things!

Thank you all for your support! 

Name: Lizzi | Date: Apr 30th, 2007 6:09 PM
I'd end the marriage,the sooner the better,BEFORE any kids are brought into the picture! you may think there's been alot of damage done and maybe that's true BUT at least if you divorce NOW before another year goes by or a child is brought into your lives,then maybe the both of you can still find happiness with other people before things can get any more complicated. 

Name: Lizzi | Date: Apr 30th, 2007 6:15 PM
Oops! guess I should have read your latest update FIRST! LOL Anyway,I'm glad you did all you've done to make changes and I wish you the best of luck in your NEW life!
My son plays the guitar too and he LOVES it! I hope you enjoy it too! :) Have a happy life! And next time DON'T go through with anything BIG until you've thoroughly thought it through and KNOW for CERTAIN it's what you want to do!!!!! I wish you the BEST of LUCK! :) 

Name: june-clever | Date: May 1st, 2007 6:13 PM
hylander you are gay aren't u! 

Name: hylander | Date: May 3rd, 2007 3:03 PM
Lizzi, thank you for the advice..i really appreciate it!

All i need is understanding and to be connected to someone! My wife couldnt give me that sadly! She never could understand the man in me... so ive made my decision to leave this marriage!

june-clever...

eeerrrrr....no im not gay... why do u ask? I have a female wife... and am attracted to women... 

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