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I have been split from my daughter's daddy for over a year now. Believe me when I say we had our ups and downs. To cut a long story short, he is unwell presently. I haven't been without problems myself in the past and he did have to put up with a lot from me before we had our daughter but I resolved my problems, got myself better and do the very best I can for my daughter. He is so up and down. I have tried to help so much in the past with his depression etc and it gets thrown back in my face. He pays no maintenance for my daughter and though usually assertive, I am too scared to fight for my rights because of upsetting him and then making my life tremendously difficult. He was lovely and kind last week and then he just turned. Said he was taking my daughter to social services. (i'm in england - not sure if same name in US?) that i do not feed her, that I am a crap mother, that he wants to kill me, that he will call the health visitor (has never ever bothered to contact her before when I wanted him to!) because she has had a recurring cold and that this is my fault. That I am a fialure - a f**k up etc etc. Is this emotional abuse? He says that I'm incompetent and I am losing any self worth i have recently gained. Yet again he is grinding me down and I am not even living with him. He called emergency social services tonight and I received a phone call from them saying that they had received a call stating that I was a drunk ( i am an alcoholic but have been sober for many years) My daughter is 2 and is a delight - she seems very happy and I love being her mummy but I can no longer cope with my ex's behaviour. He says I'm mad and then turns evrything around so that I truly believe I am! The thing is, when he is well, he is a lovely man - if a little troubled right now. No one who knows him would believe how he can behave. I am sick to death of it. I cannot belive i am actually coming here and writing this but I feel like I am going loopy! Is this his aim? The thing is, he genuinely believes these things! Then it all blows over, he's nice again but I will get no apology! If I said half the stuff he said to me, he'd flip! And then I'm accused of being violent (not true - although in the past I did end up lashing out him because he had pushed me and pushed me, saying he would take my daughter away and that he wished I was dead) and angry and disturbed, etc. I just do not know what to do. ↓
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| Name: Lanric | Date: Mar 15th, 2007 12:35 AM |
| I also want to add that he is often threatening to go to social services/health visitor/authorities etc etc and when we were still together he even got me arrested for when I lashed out at him. I am not a violent person at all - he had simply pushed and pushed me. This is what he always does. It is almost as if he is trying to get my back up. ↑ |
| Name: tb4 | Date: Mar 15th, 2007 11:54 AM |
| Lanric----I hear what your saying load and clear. I, too, have been in your similiar shoes. Despite the things of the past, try not to let your ex get under your skin. As long as you know inside your heart, you are doing your best for your daughter, there is nothing he can do to you. Let him make his threats and if the social workers happen to come to your house to visit you, they will see the interaction you have with your daughter and how true your love is for her. Even though you may have been an alcoholic in the past.....what ever you do, don't revert back to it. Make sure that all alcohol is completely out of the house and keep it out. This way, if you do get a surprise visit from the social workers, you can prove to them that you don't drink anymore. Your ex has to have absolute proof that your doing wrong. My ex tried the similiar things on me. He tried saying that I was an alcoholic in court but it didn't work. Yes, I too, had to over come alot of problems and I did like the drink more than I should have but I realized, I was using it as a crutch to be able to cope with my ex. He, too, would say horrible things to me and constantly label me as the screw up. Well, come to find out, it's not me at all.....it's him. So all those years I spent with him all he did was tear me down. Yes, what he is saying and doing to you is emotional abuse but you have to become the better person and not let his words affect you. I know this is easier said than done but trust me, don't dwell on what he says. Don't take it to heart because it's not true. You are a good person and you love your daughter dearly. Obviously, he does have some serious issues and he's trying to put all the blame on you. He's trying to blame you for all the problems that have gone wrong in his life. That's a sign of a very weak man in mind and spirit. They never change so don't ever let your guard down around him. If your afraid that he will call the authorities on you, don't speak to him directly. Put what you have to say to him down in writing and hand it to him and then shut your door. You are not obligated to allow him inside your home or communicate with him if you choose not too. I take it you share custody of your daughter with him. Just keep in mind that when he comes to pick her up or drop her off, avoid any comfirntations with him. You don't have to stand there and take it anymore. Also, try to have a friend or family member present when he shows up so that you can have a witness, who can verify that he's the one that snaps instead of you. Keep your composure around him, don't respond to anything negative he says to you. I understand it hurts but they are just words. He wants you to slip up so that he can think in his mind that he's the better person. Keep yourself busy with your daughter. Plan fun things with her, take her places, do things with friends and family. You want to try to build up a good relationship with the people that truly know and love you. This way if you do ever have to go to court, you will have creditable witnesses on your side to back up the kind of person you truly are. I can tell ya that on my first major court date, my ex had so many people testify against me in his behalf that I wanted to die but couldn't. Even after all those witnesses testified, I still won custody of my three children. The judge could see that my ex was trying very hard to tear me apart and still felt I was a good mother, who is capable of taking care of three children. This time will pass but it make take awhile. You have to try to move on with your life and try to leave your ex out of yours. He will get upset by it and probably flip out from time to time but in the end......you are not living under his roof therefore you don't have to listen to him. I was a basket case the first year of my divorce. I was completely afraid I was going to lose my children and they mean everything to me. However, all the stunts my ex tried pulling didn't work. To this day, he still tries to pull his stunts but now I'm able to handle him much better than I did. My ex had turned some of my closest friends and family against me. I felt like I was an island without a country. However, I met a wonderful man, who helped me to see the true qualities I have. Three years later, I had my 4th child and we got married. So yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to ride out the waves to get to it. Since your ex is battling with depression chances are he's not going to recover if he doesn't get proper medical attention. You have to learn how to accept him for the way he is and move on. Just like me, saying stuff back at him does absolutely no good. It only aggreivates the situation and makes them become more aggressive with you. Hold your head up high and do what you do best......being the best mommy you can be to your daughter. Always keep her best interests in mind and you will never go wrong. You can overcome this but it won't be easy. He will probably try several times to get at you but you can be the stronger person and not let it happen. Prepare yourself for the worst to happen and this way you won't be disappointment when it does. Meaning if the social workers do visit you....you've prepared yourself and your doing what any normal mother does with their children....take care of them to the best of your abilities with a great deal of love. So, put a smile on your face, you deserve it. Hold your head up high, you are a good mommy! Please feel free to vent here anytime. This is a great place to do it. There are alot of wonderful people here that will help you to talk out your frustrations and will help you to be able to see past all the negativity your ex is giving you. Your ex doesn't want to see you happy because he's not happy. Misery loves company and that is his aim. Don't fall for it...it's a ploy to tear ya down. Over time things will get better....you have to try to look past it all. Focus on the positive things, your good health and your daughter. Those are the most important. Stay focused with that you can't go wrong. I do hope things get better for you but only you can make that step to not let it happen anymore. Good luck and please continue to let us know how things are going. I wish you and your daughter the best. ↑ |
| Name: Lanric | Date: Mar 17th, 2007 7:16 AM |
| Thankyou so much for your reply tb4and I am so sorry to hear what a terrible time you had of it, and with 3 kids too! Your response has helped me feel so much stronger and remember what I do have going for me and to not lose sight of what is the most important in all of this - my daughter, who thankfully is an extremely happy and healthy little girl. Thankfully we have great support through my parents and I have friends who understand but it's awful to hear how your ex turned your closest friends and family against you. That must have been soul destroying and to see that you have gone through all that and come out the other side, still sane and a brilliant mummy, you are truly an inspiration to me. Thankfully, this hasn't got to those levels but I can see that leaving him to his devices and allowing him to take further control of the situation, and it would very quickly escalate. The social services did pay me a visit yesterday but thankfully they were very kind and fair and listenened to my side of the story and offered good support. They thought it would be a good idea to try and make arrangements for Alan and myself to have no contact when he picks Amelie up, as you yourself suggested. This is the only way forward in my opinion also. Your advice was spot on and I am keeping myself busy taking Amelie to the beach, park, keeping ourselves busy, etc. Isn't it sad, what we've been through when at the end of the day, all we're trying to do is create a happy and safe environment for our kids?!! That's life I guess. Thank God you had a judge who saw what a great job you do and that you were being emotionally bullied! I'm happy to hear you found yourself a man who loves you for the good person you are. How do you do it with 4 kids, eh?!! Wow, you're doing a great job. With regards to the alcohol, I never have it in the house and for me it's not too much of an issue these days. I can get through a bad day and not even think of picking up a drink - something which would've seemed an impossibility 5 years ago - it seems the only person who has an issue with it these days is HIM! In my mind, he'd love it if I went out and picked a drink up! But thankfully, that's the last thing on my agenda! I am so glad I found this forum in my moment of desperation. I've taken everything you've said on board tb4 and I'm going to hold my head up high and get through this. Thankyou sooooooo much for taking the time to reply and I wish you all the best to you and your family. Xxx ↑ |
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