The story starts six years ago. Two months into dating a lovely woman who is now my wife, I got a call from an old girlfriend saying that she was pregnant due to a weekend fling that we had several months earlier. She lives overseas and had been in the USA on business when we had the fling. She demanded that I immediately bring her to the USA and get married to her and raise the kid. I said 'no, I will support the boy but I am not ready to get married to you, it was only a fling.' She went ahead and had the child.
The boy is now 5. He is healthy, good looking, and smart. But he lives 8,000 miles away and I have only seen him a few times. I support him with a lot of money -- maybe double what an average person in that country makes per year. I have offered to have him live with me and go to school here but his mom refuses and won't even let him meet my wife (the same woman I was dating when I got the news). Now my wife is pregnant and due to deliver in April. She is an extremely sweet person who would never hurt a fly.
I want everyone to get along and be friends, or civil at least, but my ex won't allow my son to meet my current wife because "he would get confused," and "she might hurt him!" She refuses to tell him that I am married to another woman, and refuses to deal with my wife. They met once and she told my wife that she should leave forever so that I could be with my son. The bio mother will only bring my son over here on condition that I put her and him in a hotel and keep them away from my wife. Yet my wife is very open to the boy and would like to be a comfortable person for him, and has no intention of replacing his bio mother.
Help -- what should I say to the bio-mother? Should I cut her off until she allows my son to meet my current wife? She has the child and holds all the cards, I just want the best for him. Please advise. ↓
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| Name: tweetybird4 | Date: Nov 7th, 2006 4:01 AM |
| Well, does your ex have legal grounds from keeping you away from your son? You might need to check with legal counsel in regards to this. I would find out if you are allowed visitiation with him perhaps over the summer months. However, if the ex lives overseas, how do you not know she is not trying to do this just to move into the Unitied States? Unfortunately, this isn't fair to the child at all. Yet, supporting the child is a great responsibility on your part. Do you know for a fact that the child is yours? I'm sorry, I don't mean to ask this and it is none of my business but I would wonder. This ex is really pushing such strong demands for me to not wonder. I would continue to send your son photos, letters, cards, gifts----anything you can give him is a way you can keep contact. If the ex keeps such things from him that's sad. Yet, there will come a day that he will want to know all about his father and how will she explain this? You won't know. She can't hide your new life forever. It will come back around on her. You just have to continue to be patient and do the right thing for your son's sakes. If you truly want to see your son, then I would go ahead and allow her to stay in a hotel just so you can see your son. However, if she's in the states, you can still exercise your parental rights. So, I really don't think she can do anything about that on the American soil. I would consult an attorney and if nothing else, check with the laws in the country your ex lives in. Surely, someone can help you with this. I'm sorry, if I couldn't offer you much advice but if it was me, I wouldn't give up on my son. I would do whatever I could to see him. Plus, if you give your ex a substantial amount of child support, then tell her you will cut her support to the required minimum if she doesn't allow you to see him along with your wife. It sounds like she's willing to do things for money. I would just tell the ex that you have moved on with your life with a wonderful woman and like it or not she needs to learn to accept it. There is no reason why you, your wife and the ex cannot share equal love regarding the boy's sake. I do hope things get better for you and please, keep us posted as to what happens. ↑ |
| Name: Profmaster5000 | Date: Nov 7th, 2006 2:41 PM |
Thank you Tweetybird4. I also was skeptical, so we did a DNA test when my son was last in the states as part of the process for getting him a US Passport, and the test came out billions to one that he is definitely my child. I oversaw and paid for the test and it was a top laboratory so I know it is accurate.
There is no reason why my son cannot live with me -- I have a great and stable job that is high paying, I've never been in any trouble, don't drink or take drugs, etc.
I cannot believe that my ex would keep my son from seeing his father all because of some vague fear that my wife will hurt him in some way.
I am between a rock and a hard place. If I put my foot down, she might withdraw and keep my son from me for years. But if I agree with her requests, then I have to cordon off my wife from all contact with my son. Either way I lose.
Sometimes I think that I will have to wait till he is 16 and then sit him down and tell him the truth, that I loved him all along but couldn't see him because of his mom's rules. ↑ |
| Name: Lory | Date: Nov 7th, 2006 9:38 PM |
| Hi! I agree with tweetybird4. Keep in contact with your son, and do whatever it takes to see him. Keeping contact you won't lose! Good Luck to you! ↑ |
| Name: jillw | Date: Nov 7th, 2006 10:12 PM |
| I would use the law as much as you can. I do not know how it works in dealing with a different country, you should try to find out you rights ↑ |
| Name: tweetybird4 | Date: Nov 8th, 2006 1:08 PM |
| To Profmaster5000--I'm so sorry for you. This is a shame that she is using your son like this. What does your wife think about this? She sounds like a very understanding woman and would allow you to still have contact with your son even though she can't be apart of it? If she is willing to step aside for awhile I would go along with the program just so you can see him. While he does get to see you in the little times he can, is putting some good memories of you inside his head. Don't give up on those because when he does get older, he will remember them and he will want to search you out to get to know you more....once he's away from his mother's clutches. I'm sure your wife understands that you don't want her to feel left out but is probably willing to do what's best for your son's sake. In that case, you have a wonderful woman!!! Just give things time but continue to see your son. You have to remember your son has some of your genes flowing inside of him, too. So, the caring, compassionate sides of you will show throught him as well. Again, I'm sorry, I wished you weren't going through all of this. I do hope things will get better but please, keep us all posted. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Nov 8th, 2006 5:08 PM |
| I say take some of that hard earned money you make and buy some great representation and get a court ordered visitation schedule going pronto! Your ex cannot rule everything here......she wants to and even thinks she can but she can't! Get a lawyer and a good one ASAP! ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Nov 8th, 2006 5:11 PM |
| Your son should be in your life regularly. He has a right to know you as a person as you do him. Don't let her take that away from you! Make things right the way they should be while your son is still so young,you'll be glad you did later! Good luck to you,and act fast please! ↑ |
| Name: Profmaster5000 | Date: Nov 8th, 2006 5:27 PM |
| The problem is that when he visits, I have to spend all my time in a hotel with my ex and my son, so naturally my wife feels left out since her existence is a big secret. She just wants to see the boy once or twice, so she can feel that the situation is open and honest. I just don't know how long I can go on playing this game where my ex lies to my son and tells him that I am working for the time being in the USA and don't tell him the truth that I live over here (and always have) and that I have a wife? Why not just tell him that he has two parents that love him but who are 'divorced' and living in different countries, that he is lucky to be able to be a citizen of two countries, have cousins over here, etc? My wife has been very understanding for many years and agreed to hide herself from my ex and her son. For how long can I keep insisting that she hide herself? ↑ |
| Name: tweetybird4 | Date: Nov 8th, 2006 8:48 PM |
| To Profmaster 5000---Well, again, I'm sorry you have to go through this. If this has been going on for so long, then I would take it to the next step and tell your son. If the ex is going to get angry it really shouldn't matter too much because she's already angry that your not with her. But to sit and constantly lie to your son, is not something I would be willing to do. Perhpas, you can tell your ex that it isn't fair to your son to be lying to him. You both want him to grow up and be a responsible citizen of what ever country he chooses to live in and becoming a liar is not something you want him to accept from anyone. If the ex gets angry then at least your honest with everyone involved. You won't have to hide your life anymore. Unfortunately, you may lose your son in the process but you are a must better person by submitting the truth. I do hope things go well for you and please let us know what you do. ↑ |
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