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Name: Melanie | Date: Dec 6th, 2008 4:05 AM
I have a friend that had a vasectomy secertly because he thought his wife was cheating. Come to find out she was. She began preganut and he keep himself silent until trial becare. 

Name: Aaron | Date: Dec 10th, 2008 9:06 PM
He should have consulted, perhaps. But there's another side to this.
My wife begged me to wait on a vasectomy after the birth of our second healthy child ("just in case...")
So she took the responsibility of contraception, as we both agreed that we did not want to try for another child at this time.
Turns out she "forgot" her birth-control a few times (the few times that we have actually had sex in the last few years).
Yesterday she told me she's pregnant again.
I'm stunned - and having had a day to think about REALLY do not want a third child.
This is putting a terrible strain on our marriage, now.
I think that if BOTH parents aren't ready for another child, you must respect that - because it require both parents to care once the child is born.
I feel very resentful right now - because I could have prevented this with a vasectomy.
I don't believe she did this intentionally, but I am not prepared to go through another pregnancy or to deal with another baby.
She is not going to consider any other options other than to have and keep the baby.
So, I do not think you are selfish, but I do think you need to respect and accept that he is not ready to try for a daughter.
Don't risk your marriage or the welfare of this daughter by coercing your husband. It's not fair to any of you.
If could do this over, I would have gone and had the vasectomy and dealt with the consequences. This is going to be much worse - I hope my marriage survives it. 

Name: Understand!! | Date: Dec 18th, 2008 8:30 PM
My husband already had the vasectomy and I regret allowing it to happen. I think that, just like getting pregnant, getting a vasectomy is a joint decision. We have two wonderful daughters and I would love to have a third or even fourth child. My husband knows this but does not want any more. He may change his mind, or he may not. I've come to the realization that if I love him and our family then I have to accept that, or be miserable. Being angry with him isn't really fair b/c he is being honest. 

Name: I Feel all Alone | Date: Dec 30th, 2008 6:12 PM
I too are one of those in the same situation as most of you ladies. I have two wonderful boys aged 9 and 11. My husband has said that he absolutely doesn't want any more children and I would love to have one more. I just don't think that he gets what it is to have a big family, he is an only child. I have talked to him but it just blows up in my face and he gets so angry and just shuts down. So any time I think about having another baby I have nobody to talk to about it. I do have three really close girlfriends but two are single and one is married and just now trying for a baby, which secretly kills me when she talks about it, but I just put on a brave face and suck it up. I did read another post on this sight and she was saying that the feeling of needing to have another baby never goes away, is this true? I would love for this to just go away, I get a knot in my gut every time I see and infant or a pregnant woman, it just kills me inside. The last time my husband and I talked about a baby he kept telling me that he doesn't want to be left a alone with a baby, because my job is shift work and I do work evenings and weekends. I do have the option of only working a few weekday evenings only and I do get a year off for maternity but it's still not convincing enough. My husband has a taste of the easy life with our kids because they are older and easier to manage and life is getting more convient for him but I have our boys out with me a lot doing certain things and he does have quite a bit of free time. But if I took advantage of that and did the same thing my self and left him with the kids and then I mentioned having another baby he would just throw that in my face as well. This situation has gotten to the point that we have started seeing a counselor about it, but it certainly is not getting me any closer to having another baby. Does anybody have any advice for me at all, just keep in mind that my husband is the most stubborn man in the world and will not budge from his decision. 

Name: DMKS | Date: Jan 13th, 2009 2:40 AM
I just had my 1 yr anniversary last week. It is 2nd marriage for both of us. I have 1 daughter (8)from previous marriage that lives with us full time and his 2 daughters 3 &7)that come every other week. He knew before we married that I wanted more children. He agreed we would try I miscarried in April. He then told me 1 week prior to our anniversary that he did not want anymore kids. I love all the children equally. I feel so hurt and resentful I cry everyday. His ex is complete nut case and we our fighting for full custody of kids. I feel betrayed like I'm not good enough to have his children but good enough to raise them. I tried explaining to him that I wanted us all to be a family together. Instead of the constant reminder that their is his children and mine. The ex wife continues to tell the children im not their mom. She even continually tells him that they our tied together for life we have children. I just so hurt that I am going through of the drama to be a good mother for his kids and the ex wife can leave them alone and run man to man and I now suffer because he said how would it be fair to the children if they had to leave their sibling every other week ( ex has another kid by other guy) it wouldn't be fair to them or him. I told him so when the kids are here we are the happy family and when they leave my daughter and I are left to fend for ourselves. (He comes home late, doesn't eat dinner with us and goes right to bed). I love him or I wouldn't put up with all the craziness the custody battle has caused by I just want to be a family. I just feel like I am going crazy with the grief of the miscarriage and now the decision by him not to have any more kids. Everybody has told him he was lucky to find me and that noone would be willing to put up with all the bs that I have. I just don't want to end up resenting the kids and him. I just can't get him to understand how I think everyday about what I child would of look like and that all little things he does with the 3 yr old now I will never experience with our child or even experience the joy of bringing a child into this world together. He has that with the ex not me. AM I SELFISH? I am going to be 39 in June and this is the last thing I need to go through now. HELP!! 

Name: JJ | Date: Jan 27th, 2009 1:27 PM
I have 2 beautiful girls aged 6 and 4 , but I have always wanted 3 children, my husband hates change and refuses to agree to any more, but i know neither of us would regret having another, but i will regret and always wonder what our family would have been if he's just said yes. I don't want to force him into it, it has to be a joint decision, but wanting different things puts a lot of pressure on our marriage. He wants a vasectomy and refuses sex, but i feel that his stubbornness is less valid than my desire for another child. I hope he will change his mind within 12 months. I know I am blessed with 2 beautiful girls and shouldn't complain, but i long for one more child.

I wish you all the best of luck and hope you get the family you dreamed of. 


Name: Motti | Date: Feb 8th, 2009 7:21 PM
Hi,
You are not being selfish at all. I would love a son as I have 2 daughters but my husband wont commit because he is scared that we may have another girl. Its just horrible.
Please tell me there are people like that out there!
My husband is so selfish, but so is yours. He shouldnt of booked his appt before talking to you 

Name: motti | Date: Feb 8th, 2009 7:24 PM
Be back soon with update to my last email 

Name: lynn | Date: Feb 9th, 2009 8:22 PM
I think there is a very internal feeling that a woman has in response to her fertility. This doesn't matter if you only want or 8, when someone you love deprives you of this it physically hurts. As crazy as some people may think this is, I want to have a 6th baby. I love my kids so much and they have brought me and my husban incredible joy. He is not unboard, and most people just look at the number and say, "well they already have 5." The pain is still the same. When you want another or first baby there is nothing like that desire. I'm trying to decide if that desire is more important than my marraige becuse it makes me resent my husband terribly. 

Name: is he being selfish | Date: Feb 12th, 2009 2:27 PM
i too have a problem...after being married to a very controlling man for a long time with no children because he was so selfish even though i had always wanted children he had an affair and i fifnshed the marriage...then three years later i met the most wonderful man he has two children from a previous marriage we had talked about children as i saw him as a wonderful father we got serious and now he says he doesn't want anymore children because of what his ex had put him through...i think he is being totally selfish i love his children to bits we have them over as much as possible but in the end they are not my children flesh and blood....i think i was born to be a mother...and the clock is ticking now for me what do you think ??? 

Name: des | Date: Feb 18th, 2009 5:38 AM
lynn:

Five kids.....and you're considering sacrificing your marriage for a 6th?? What the hell is wrong with women like you? You don't want a husband, you want a sperm donor. 

Name: Searra | Date: Feb 18th, 2009 2:19 PM
I don'rt know what to think. My husband has two almost grown children from a previous marriage and I have one. I want one with him and he says he's too old at 49 and doesn't want anymore. He said he loves me but even if it means losing me he won't change his mind. So now I'm wondering if he can really love me to let me go. Other than this we have a wonderful loving relationship. 

Name: is he being selfish | Date: Feb 19th, 2009 8:36 AM
thank you searra.....it's ahorrible thing to go through my man is only 33 so he doesn't have the age thing....its just his ex....who is the one who had an affair aswell was soo soo nastty to him usuing the children as a weapon as such....i am only in my thirties aswell....its hard writing things on here in case other people see this so sorry for being a bit fuzzy on things....i think you are either born to be a mother or not and i feel i have always wanted to be a mother.... am i the one being selfish...i don't know... 

Name: Mo | Date: Mar 5th, 2009 5:21 AM
No, I don't think you are selfish. I think this is something to be discussed together, not just make an appointment for. What if you got pregnant and didn't want any more children and you made an appointment for an abortion? I know what it's like to want a little girl. Talk about why he wants a vesectomy -- is it money? Too much committment with the two boys already? There's a reason for him wanting to do this. Good luck and I hope you get your little girl. 

Name: chase060703 | Date: Mar 9th, 2009 11:32 PM
My husband and I have 2 boys and I want a girl. I tried talking to him about this but he doesn't want a girl. I am turning 32 the end of the week and our boys aren't getting younger. They are now 6 and 5. I have two months left on the miraina and he states he won't go and get fixed. I'm not because I feel as though I'm not done. He doesn't want any discussion on this and it hurts because I always saw myself with 3 kids or at least different sexes. Any advice? 

Name: Sam | Date: Mar 11th, 2009 6:00 PM
I really don't understand you women who say a vasectomy is a joint decision. Is abortion a joint decision?

No, in the end, you are going to do what you want regardless of what your husband/bf wants. Your body, you are going to do with it as you please. So why do you feel a vasectomy is something you can/should be in control of? The "my body" argument goes both ways. 

Name: Shann | Date: Mar 12th, 2009 3:40 PM
I am somewhere in the middle of you all - I actually have a boy and a girl, so gender is not an issue here....I have just always wanted a somewhat large family (by todays standards) of 3-4 kids.
My resentment and sadness comes from the fact that we discussed all of this prior to marriage etc, and my husband agreed that he wanted the same thing but we both agreed that it is hard to know before you are in the situation, so we would definitely have 2 and then see how we were coping with that after a year or 2 and talk about it and re-assess from there.
My problem is that as soon as my husband found out at our 20wk scan that our 2nd baby was a boy after having a girl, he made his decision that he was now happy to stop at 2 without any discussion with myself.
For me it is a feeling of betrayal - yes everyone has a right to feel how they feel, but this particular topic is something that BOTH parents have a right to have their feelings heard on and in my mind for one partner to take and make that decision with no consulation of their partner is both selfish and arrogant and disrespectful....especially if a prior agreement has been made to discuss it further at a future stage.
It wasn't helped by the fact that people everywhere keep saying "oh now you have the perfect family - a pidgeon pair - your family is complete"
I just find myself wanting to scream most of the time - I'm sorry, but I have to say I don't understand alot of womens aurguments (probably cause I'm not in there position) for me gender plays no part in my decision....it seems idiotic that people keep saying our family is complete simply because we have a boy and a girl.....I have never envisaged what gender children I wanted and have only ever dreamt of raising and moulding 3-4 little people into (hopefully) wonderful big people.....the simple fact is that I feel that my family is not complete, that I have more love to give and that there are many benefits to larger families over and above the material objects that can be given to only children or small families of only 2 kids....I feel too much emphasise is placed these days on having a small family so that they can give their kids EVERYTHING.....I don't think giving them EVERYTHING is important or the best thing for them.
My husband works very long hours and does NO regular part of their care since his hours became so long (he regularly bathed our daughter but not our son)....although having said that he is wonderful with them when he is around, taking them to the park and out the back to play etc. His THING is that he finds the sleep deprivation in the early stages too stressful (my 1st child slept 12 hours a night from 11 weeks and my second woke ONCE only a night - apart from the rare exception - until by 4 months he was also sleeping 11-12 hours a night! And I breastfed both exclusively till 12 months, so please tell me where / how the sleep deprivation is so tragic for him....he's never done a night feed in his life!)
Anyway, unfortunately I have no answeres but I just wanted to let some negative people out there know that it not just about people desiring a boy or a girl....some poeple just have a desire to parent and it's not about who is right or wrong to want or not want more kids....but about addressing the issue in a sensitive and fair way. Agreeing to one thing and then DECIDING with finality on another thing without consultaion or discussion is NOT fair and IS a breach of trust in a relationship and the resentment of that WILL contribute to the breakdown of a relationship more than the disagreement to have/not have a child ever will....after all, all good relationships are / or should be built on trust. 

Name: Shann | Date: Mar 12th, 2009 4:00 PM
And just befire anyoine comments - my husband works long hours becuase his job is demanding and his company provide incompetent support staff, plus he has been studying (from desire to, not need) so NO finance is not a factor in our decisions....we are not rich, but we are fairly comfortable. 

Name: Shann | Date: Mar 12th, 2009 4:13 PM
And by the way Sam, I have no stats to back me up, but I find the comparison of abortion of vasectomy and abortion as quite ridiculous.
I by know means am stating that married women don't ever do this as a form of birth control, but from what I know the majority of abortions are from unsteady or non existant relationships where 2 adults are not always involved in the decision because these two individuals do not have a joint future or a relationship of trust the feel obligated too.
A marriage or long term relationship involves very different dynamics and therefor has more complex factors involved in decisions such as family planning.
IT IS a persons right do do as they wish with their own body - but it is also a person RIGHT in a relationship to expect empathy, fairness and an opportunity to discuss and jointly decide important matters affecting BOTH parties of the relationship....anything else is insulting and a breach of trust and respect.
I wonder how that same male would feel if his wife should CHOOSE to impregnate HER body with a donor sperm to have the further child she desires....after all by your argument it would be HER choice to propegate a new pregnancy, as it's HER body....would he too have a right to feel betrayed and his thoughts and feelings on the subject disrespected?
Marriage or long term relationships with children are PARTNERSHIPS and as such ALL major decisions should be jointly discussed and decided by both partners. 

Name: Sam | Date: Mar 12th, 2009 6:19 PM
Well Shann, if that male wanted a vasectomy to begin with, I seriously doubt he would stick around to raise a sperm donor child, so that point is moot.

A guy I know from work (not a friend, more of an acquaintance) told his wife after she kept bothering him for a fourth child (when the finances were stretched already) that she could raise 3 children with him there to help, or she could raise 4 as a single mother. I think she got the picture.

I really don't understand the women that want a divorce because their husbands don't want a fifth, sixth, seventh child. It's quite absurd, to be honest. 

Name: Shann | Date: Mar 16th, 2009 1:56 AM
Well Sam, I expect the male most certainly wouldn't stick around, not only because it's another mans child but also because the wife made a life changing decision that effects BOTH of them, with no respect or regard for his feelings or wishes, nor opportunity for discussion to resolve the situation in a mutually satisfactory way.....the same as a husband having a vasectomy without his wifes knowledge or input is making a life changing decision with no respect or regard for his wifes feelings or wishes nor opportunity to discuss and resolve the situation in a mutually satisfying way.
I'm not advocating women push their husbands into something they don't want, or go ahead with an unwanted pregnancy and damn the consequences etc etc. What I am advocating is communication and equal consideration.
Why is it that a mans desire to not have anymore children is more important than a womens desire to have another?
It's NOT and a womens desire to have another is not stronger and more important than his desire not to......what is important is that people start respecting that they are in a partnership and this requires that the two partners work together and sort through important, difficult and sensitive issues TOGETHER with respect, empathy and love.
Get counselling if needed - there are plenty of options out there that don't require stomping all over a partners deeepest desire with steel cap boots.
After all neither party is WRONG to feel what they feel, but they can most certainly be WRONG in how they deal with it.
If a male or female is so selfish as to intentionally make decisions as important as conception OR non-conception on their own with no respect for their partners input then perhaps divorce is a forgone conclusion anyhow, as they obviously are unable to grasp the ideals of a partnership or don't care and therefor would be happier as a sole trader where they need only consider their own wishes and feelings.
And to directly respond to one of your comments "because their husbands don't want a fifth, sixth, seventh child. It's quite absurd, to be honest"....well that is an extreme exaggeration, alot of women on this forum are talking about 2nd and 3rd children...hardly absurd TO BE HONEST! 

Name: Sam | Date: Mar 16th, 2009 6:51 PM
We'll have to agree to disagree, Shann. Given the state of the world these days, I wouldn't be all gung-ho about bringing children into this place. Economic chaos around the world, wars, rising food prices, famine..not a good place to bring a child into.

Social security isn't going to be here for people of our generation, let alone children born today..they are going to have it worse then we ever did.

Perhaps I'm a fool for thinking about such things before bringing children into the world..but call me crazy I guess.. 

Name: gina | Date: Mar 19th, 2009 11:20 AM
my husband is an alcoholic. i have a son and he has two kid ,and i still want one more but he doesnt want too its been 6 years since we been together and i have not once got pregnant by him. 

Name: Liz 26 | Date: Mar 24th, 2009 12:20 PM
Help!!! I am 26 and my husband is 47, we hve been together for 9 years and have always been very happy. We have a 5 year old daughter and a 2 year old son, but Im now very much ready for a third child. As long as it was healthy I dont mind a girl or a boy. My Husband always knew I wanted 3 children but has now told me he dosnt want any more. He has also said we will end up having it though because its what I really want. What do we do?? 

Name: mary | Date: Mar 26th, 2009 2:37 PM
I have been with my husband for 14 years and had a chid when we met ,we went on to have another child. My husband has always been aware that i want another child and the yearning has never gone away for me. over the past ten years my husband has always said next year or when we are in a better finanacial position but never no. Imagine my horror when last year he insensitively announced that he does not want to extend our family and never did. For all this time he gave me false hope, I felt hurt, betrayed, decieved but overall really stupid that i had so often raised my hopes and bleated on about having another child when all along he knew that it was never going to be a reality. I love my children more than life itself and I am totally fulfilled, if not having anymore children is the answer then i will be happy that i was blessed with two such wonderful children. however, because i enjoy being a parent so much my body and my heart tell me that i want to repeat the whole process again. I don't feel ready to stop nurturing and raising a family. My husband has timed his decision so perfectly that i am now nearing an age where extending my family will no longer be possible. I already resent his decision, I feel very depressed about the sitution and no longer want a physical relationship with my husband . I feel at the moment that he is getting it all his way. there is no willingness on his part to discuss the situation or consider my feelings or point of view. He has decided what he wants in life and that is final. my children give me so much joy and pleasure and i love being a parent. my children are not substitutes or filling agap in an unfulfilled marriage they are my reason for being here. His decision has been forced on me but my hormones are not in agreement and i know that i will regret this situation until the end of my life. I have knowone who i can talk to about this as the response i get is "well youve got two children you should be satisfied with what you have got", well i'm not satisfied. my yearning for wanting a third child is as strong as my yearning for wanting my first, what is so wrong with that? 

Name: pooja | Date: Apr 23rd, 2009 7:06 PM
i already have avery pretty son but now i want to take a second chance for a daughter and be pregnant again but my husband is not agreed for it 

Name: wondering | Date: May 14th, 2009 2:21 AM
I know how you feel, we also have 2 beautiful children 1son and 1daughter and I would love JUST 1 more but my husband dousn't want the extra finantual pressure and he feels he is getting to old to have another baby i tell you now there is a 12yr gap between me and my husband so this is a little hard to. I find I have talked my head off ! so maybe if you get any good idea's let me know too please lol. 

Name: J.C | Date: May 17th, 2009 5:27 PM
Here in the midwest where we live, the husband is not allowed to get fixed without his wife's approval first. They believe in this b/c it is the woman who carries the child and cares for it and therefore has the say in whether she wants more or not. 

Name: Rachel | Date: May 20th, 2009 3:45 PM
My husband and I have two wonderful daughters that we adore. I would really like to try for a third child. It doesn't matter to me what the gender is. My husband doesn't want any more children. It breaks my heart that he doesn't want anymore. I don't want this to be a regret that I always have. He is good man who is a great father. I hate to make a big deal of it because he is so kind and giving. What should I do? 

Name: blessed | Date: Jun 9th, 2009 6:08 PM
I understand what you all are going through. I have always wanted 4 children, for as long as I can remember. Though I have always wanted a boy, as long as they were happy and healthy, I was elated. When I met my husband I already had two beautiful daughters from my first marriage. My husband has always been amazing with them. He has always treated them like they were his own kids and I am grateful for that. We got pregnant very quickly in our relationship. But in getting pregnant so quickly, we were thrown into something that our relationship wasn't ready for, not to mention, the ages of our girls are 4, 3, and 1. When our daughter was born, we had three kids in diapers (the oldest still wore pull-ups at night). We struggled financially for a very long time and our relationship was in shambles. Over the last few months though, things have gotten better. We have finally gotten married and have one of those relationships that you dream about. Built on love, mutual respect, and friendship. I couldn't ask for more, but I did anyway.
I recently mentioned that since our daughter will be 2 in October, maybe here soon we should try for another. My husband says he doesn't want anymore. At first I was hurt and angry because he knew my desires to have a big family and had even said he wanted a big family too. I asked him why and he said he was just sick of the whole "baby" stage. Dirty diapers, screaming, temper tantrums. He said he was enjoying them starting to get older and him being able to bond with them more. I contemplated all kinds of things from divorce to getting pregnant anyway and letting him deal with it. But then I though about it.
First, my husband had been out of work for a while, so he got to see the part of parenting that he never saw before. He got to understand why when he use to come home from work I would hand him the baby and go for a 10 minute walk. Being a full time mom/dad is hard.
Second, though unintentionally, I rarely gave him the opportunity to bond with our daughter. She suffers from acid reflux disease and so is quite often grumpy, but when she was a baby, whenever she started crying I would rush to her and insist on comforting her because she quieted down more quickly with me because she was more use to me. What I should have done was dealt with the screaming a little longer so that she bonded more with my husband. As a result of not having done that, she is just now letting my husband do anything with her without screaming.
Thirdly, we are just getting back on our feet, in more ways than one and my husband is the worrier in our family. So to have another now would put a ton of stress back on his shoulders that he just got off of them.
Fourth, I could never get pregnant without him being on board. The birth of a child is meant to be a happy and joyous occasion and I would have too much guilt to enjoy it. And I would never forgive myself if he resented me for having gotten pregnant.
So my conclusion is this. I love my husband more than life itself and though I want another child with him, I could never force it on him because, I WANT THE CHILD WITH HIM. He is who I want a family with and if having another child will send our relationship into shambles then I am left to say its not worth it. We have 3 beautiful children that we adore and though I would love another, my marriage is more important. Now to be honest, I think my husband will come around given time but even if he doesn't. I want to raise our kids with him, I want to grow old with him and there is no way I would sacrifice what I have with him now for a childhood dream. I don't know if this helps anyone or not because I know that every situation is different, this is simply mine and the solution for it. But I hope that the rest of you get what is truly the best for each of you. 

Name: jacey | Date: Jun 14th, 2009 4:06 AM
I am so glad to have found this site. i thought no one could understand how much i hurt. i am 32 and my husband is 48. my son is 15, i had him when i was 17. my husband has a 25 yr. old son. i want a daughter so bad. i have felt as if i lost a child, i've never met. i don't think my husband could begin to understand the hurt i feel. five yrs. ago we talked about adopting from china. i was so happy. when it came to making an appoitment with the agency he said he didn't want to commit to having another child. his compromise has been foster care. i've spent these five yrs. dealing with the hurt and decided to try the foster care becasue it is my only chance at having a daughter. i would take the chance of having a boy to have a baby with him. i didn't get to expericance the pregnacy i had with my son as joyful, i would love to share that with my husband. i can't help but to question if he loves me why will he not give this to me?
why is it that it has to be what he wants. should i be content with the fact that he is willing to do foster care and possibly adopt some day? i just wish i could make this hurt go away and be happy with my life. my husband is a good man who loves me and provides for me and my son. i have thought maybe i would be more happy with someone more my age who wants to have a baby. but i couln't see myself leaving the blessed life that I do have. so ths is why i wish i could let it go. i'm even in couseling because of this. i don't think i can ever explain to my husband how much i hurt, that i do cry myself to sleep sometimes, that is causes so much depression for me. i don't want to be 60 and regret not having another child, i don't want to cause distance in our marriage, but how can it be anyother way. 

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